Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
If They Had a Nobel Prize for Dog-Whistling, You’d Have it Sewn Up, Dirtbag
Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It’s been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter’s sheets drenched in terror sweat. Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate. Or a beer. I’m having a beer.
So, the Scumfuck Administration wants to detain the hundreds of immigrant children they’re prying away from their families at the border on military bases, precisely the horrifying environment young minds need to develop the sort of trauma that will follow them their entire lives. Weird how when you elect the shittiest people you can find to govern your country, they keeping doing the shittiest imaginable things, isn’t it?
Team Treasonweasel’s primary legal defense strategy seems to covering their ears with both hands and shutting their eyes as hard as possible in the hopes that their problems magically disappear. It’s…not going well.
Take, for example, Precious Paul Manafort, who tried to get his charges dismissed by arguing “Just because I’ve committed a fuckton of crimes doesn’t mean Robert Mueller has any right to investigate ‘em,” a novel, if completely ineffective gambit. Now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly…#Manafucked.
Also, Summer Zervos’ defamation suit can proceed, despite the President’s lawyers saying they’d really really really rather it didn’t. (Another amusingly novel legal theory at work here, as Team Shart argues calling a private citizen a Big Fat Fucking Liar is “political speech.”)
And finally, Rudy Giuliani continued his Helping So Hard media tour by falling back on the confidence-exuding “You can’t indict a sitting President” defense. What if we catch him while he’s GOLFING, Rudy? Can we indict him then?
Fat Q*Bert released a legally-mandated financial disclosure form the other day, and oh, what’s this? Did he neglect to mention the six-figure hush money payoff reimbursement to his shady-ass “lawyer” last year? “My bad, I get so forgetful cuz of the experimental hair tonic that warps my brain chemistry. Yeah, this means I broke the law, but when you’ve got an obsequious congress plus an entire wing of the media willing to parrot your excuses and distortions, you don’t ever need to worry about silly things like consequences.”
Still, the Office of Government Ethics referred the matter over to Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein at DoJ (which, as always, I encourage the reader to pronounce “dooj”) as though he doesn’t have enough executive branch malfeasance on his plate. I’m starting to think Jeff Sessions recused himself mainly to avoid the fucking hassle, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
Condolences go out to anyone still hanging onto the belief that bad guys get what’s coming to them in the end, as disgraced former CongressPerv Blake Farenthold has already landed a six-figure gig…lobbying congress! Just to rub a little salt in the wound, Blake has announced plans to spend 100% of his salary of flannel jammies, leaving precisely zero dollars to reimburse the American taxpayer for the sexual harassment settlement that sent him a-scurrying home in the first place. Disney lied to us, folks.
Through it all, Rugged Robert Mueller continues compiling his Naughty and Nice lists, determining who gets candy and toys, and who gets socks and indictments. Whose garbage is the Bobadook poking around in this week? Well, he’s subpoenaed Roger Stone’s social media guy, possibly in search of old discarded love notes from Julian Assange. (“Aha,” proclaimed the rookie FBI agent, “This mash note has been scented with a fragrance sold only in the gift shop at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London!” A heavy hand fell on his shoulder. “That’s excellent work, Doug,” said the Special Counsel, who then returned to his Candy Crush game.)
Also, the Justice Department and the FBI are independently looking the various fuckeries perpetrated by Steve Bannon’s merry gang of digital gremlins, Cambridge Analytica. This dovetails nicely into the story of the CA whistleblower testifying before Senate Judiciary about the company’s voter suppression operations, which to my eye seem to have been rather infuriatingly effective.
…you don’t have to look too hard to find voices on social media urging you to abandon the Democratic Party for various perceived heresies. Telling you to stay home, or to throw your vote away on a useless wad of cud like Jill Stein. These voices elected Trump once, and they’re hellbent on doing it again. I know y’all know that already, I just don’t want you to be shy in calling ‘em out. There’s too much at stake.
What’s this? Due to all the dipshit trade war posturing, China is now forgoing American soybeans in favor of…Russian soybeans? Fucking OF COURSE. Honestly, at this point I just hope Vlad is paying our President a fair salary…if all this really is just over a pee tape, I’ll be offended, because we’re getting ripped off.
Poor Donnie Dotard. He’d already cleared space on his desk for that Nobel Peace Prize, and he’d even worked up a speech about how much peacier his peace is when compared to Obama’s peace, and then those big ol’ meanies in North Korea did that thing that LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM SAID THEY’D DO, announcing they had no intentions of giving up their precious nukes, though they will happily accept the credibility that comes with a summit where King Jong-un stands next to the American President as an equal.
So now Sharty McFly stares wistfully at the empty, Nobel-less space, wondering how to fill it. The media seems to be on to the “fake Time Magazine cover” bit, so maybe a fake golf trophy?
The Failing New York Times published a fascinating deep dive into the early days of the Russia investigation, code named “Crossfire Hurricane” because I guess “Fuckhead Shitstorm” was taken. NYT even squeezed in a little “hey, this is why we published that article during the election saying the Russia investigation was a big fat nothingburger, sorry for our role in the downfall of western democracy BUT HER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-MAILZ!!!!!” bullshit, because they’re still washin’ their hands like Lady Macbeth. Cool.
Well, the Senate Intelligence Committee says that yuh huh, Russia sure did dick around in our election, and they did it to help the dumber, balder, racister candidate win, maybe because they wanted to undermine the west, or maybe because wanted to make overcooked steaks fashionable, who can say? This contradicts the findings of the House panel, who released their own report a while back, with Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes insisting Drumpfy is “the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”
Also, the Senate panel sez the Russians used the NRA as part of their Shart-boostin’ campaign, kind of like when Two-Face and the Joker team up to KILL THE BATMAN.
Meanwhile the Senate Judiciary Committee released Scrotum Tumor, Jr.’s testimony about the famous Gimmie Dat Hot Collusion Action Drumpf Dower meeting, reminding everyone of the ridiculousness of their legal strategy, which amounts to, “Holy fuck did I ever want to collude, I was positively horny to collude, I tried as hard as a pampered little idiot white boy possibly can to collude, but the Russkies just didn’t have anything.”
…good luck with that, Junior.
Michael Cohen’s defenders (and let’s just pause to imagine what it must be like to want to defend a petty goon like Micky Dead-Eyes) like to pretend he’s the victim of some vast deep-state conspiracy, but look; when you’re stumbling around, telling every foreign official you come across “Pay me a million bucks for access to our very stupid, very bribable new President,” your office is gonna get raided sooner or later, bro, no matter how many cell phones you have.
Rex Tillerson, who spent a year rampaging through the State Department with a hatchet and a crowbar, dismantling America’s ability to conduct diplomacy in service to a Constitution-shredding thug, popped up at a commencement speech to to bemoan a “crisis of ethics and integrity.” Low T-Rex went on to lament, “Oh by the way, if a wannabe dictator offers you a job you’re in no way, shape, or form qualified for, you should turn him do-“HAHAHA just kidding, Tilly doesn’t have that kind of self-awareness, and fuck you, Rex, your window to stand up for Truth and Honesty closed quite a while back.
There’s really nothing funnier than watching one of these anti-science Republican fanatics get all smug in conversation an actual scientist. Alabama CongressDoorknob Mo Brooks seemed quite pleased with himself, offering his alternative theory for the rise in ocean levels which SURPRISE has nothing to do with climate change, and everything to do with very large rocks being deposited on the ocean floor, possibly by giant monsters. Probably Cyclops. It’s a little less funny when you remember Mo sits on the Science committee.
Look, I was pretty drunk when I got to the latest Ronan Farrow story…I think it’s something about Michael Cohen having SARS? Or maybe bird flu? Ok, it’s actually about whistleblowers and missing suspicious activity reports (or “SARs,” get it? GET IT?), and it’s pretty dense and not terrifically funny, so just click on the fuckin’ link if you want to know more.
Nobody is dreading the coming Blue Wave, and the accompanying handover of House committee gavels, more than Scott Pruitt. Called before yet another congressional hearing to account for his veritable cornucopia of scandals, Scott just sat there and lied and deflected, his subtext clearly, “well, I seem to be getting away with all of it, so eat my shit, boys!”
So our President called undocumented immigrants “animals” yesterday. Because he’s racist. Extremely, openly, unapologetically, racist. He stirred up racist hatred, and dehumanized a whole group of people, because that is what he does. That is who he is. No gags, no jokes, the President of the United States is simply a terrible, monstrous, hate-filled, person.
But because the media insists on abiding by a ridiculous set of self-imposed rules that force them to take arguments offered in the worst conceivable faith at face value, somehow we’re back doing the old familiar dance where pundits blather endlessly about whether or not it’s fair to call this Klan-level bigot “racist,” whether his comments referring to HUMAN BEINGS as ANIMALS count as “racist.”
But let’s just cut through the crap because literally everyone understands what’s going on here. The President knows he’s racist. We know he’s racist. His supporters know he’s racist, THAT’S HOW HE BEAT SIXTEEN OTHER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, lest ye forget. And they just loooooooooove dragging y’all down in endless, bad-faith, internet squabbling. It turns them on. It gets them off. Trolling libtards is what these losers live for; it’s a sad, pathetic, way to walk through life, and you certainly shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.
One more time, EVERYONE KNOWS TRUMP IS RACIST AS FUCK. That issue is settled. It’s a matter of whether you believe that racism makes him unfit to be President or not. And that shit is settled in the voting booth, not on Twitter or Facebook.
And in case you didn’t notice, Sarah Huckabee Slanders and Drumpf himself are having the time of their lives doubling, tripling, quadrupling down, winking at their giggling dirtbag base over all the trolling they’re getting away with, while repeating “Animals! Animals! Animals!” all goddamn day long.
…the tiki-torch-wielding terrorists in Charlottesville weren’t “animals,” you’ll recall, but “very fine people.”
Somebody’s pitching an Avenatti/Scaramucci “Loudmouths Screaming at Each Other” show, because I guess they’re worried America’s level of political discourse isn’t fucking stupid enough yet. Oh well. Still a better idea than that Charlie Rose “Abuser Chats with Other Abusers” abomination. Or the Roseanne reboot.
Now I see Manafort’s former son-in-law has cut a plea deal and rolled over on dear ol’ Dad. Former Dad. In-law. Thanksgiving sure is gonna be weird this year, what with everybody FaceTiming in from different federal prisons.
But the news isn’t all bad! Major victory with the Senate’s net neutrality vote, bipartisan and everything! We seem to be super-close to having enough signatures to force a DACA vote in the House! And I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance AAAAAAAAAYYOOOOOOOOOO pop culture advertising reference bitcheeeeeeeeees!
(I did not, for the record, save any money on my car insurance. In fact, when the insurance company learns that I’ve moved, my premiums will surely increase.)
Well, before I publish tonight, I guess I can loop y’all in on this mockable moment from Chris Hayes’ show tonight, where Bill Gates tells the story of our Future Idiot Manchild President getting HIV and HPV confused. Twice. Sorta makes you wonder if it was really “the pussy” Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was grabbing in the first place…