After four years in Hell, I am pleased to report the bastards have, despite their best efforts, failed to grind me down. In fact, there’s a spring in my step today, because since we last met, Dear Reader, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of voting for Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. and Kamala Devi Harris. It’s an intoxicating experience, full-bodied and refreshing, with hints of longed-for spiritual renewal and Nazis getting punched. I recommend it.

I’m afraid we have to talk quite a bit about Rudy Giuliani tonight, as America’s least favorite incest aficionado chose this week to ride, perched atop a bronze horse purloined from a downed Confederate monument, to his Turd Emperor’s rescue, a shitty, treasonous, self-immolating, one-man jagoff cavalry.

“The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming,” bellowed Amerikkka’s Mayor, “I would know, I’m working for ’em! Anyway, here’s some long-ago debunked propaganda straight from the Kremlin!” and so, armed with some ridiculous story about an inebriated Hunter Biden abandoning a laptop overflowing with incriminating evidence with an…oh, let’s call him “eccentric” computer repairman, Rudy set out to make the world understand he’s not fucking around with this whole Betraying America thing.

Now, the intelligence community gets what’s going on here and they’re blowing every whistle in sight, not that it’s some big secret, you can see the crook of Putin’s elbow coming out of Rudy’s ass in every ranting media appearance, but Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s problems hardly end there; he’s also posting videos of himself being hellaciously racist while his own daughter trashes his shitty politics in a Vanity Fair op-ed endorsing Biden.

Anyway, Rudy is one of the very worst Americans of all time, and if I ever seem to tire of watching him rub shit all over his own face in what has been a very public decline and fall, please understand that means my heart has stopped beating.

I don’t like writing about Barron Trump, but let me just say that a man who recklessly infects his own child with a potentially lethal disease for absolutely no good reason is not someone you would hire to run a goddamn Sunglass Hut, let alone a nation. Maybe a small one. Liechtenstein, you can have him for…I dunno, for ten bucks worth of whatever Liechtenstein makes. You have to take Eric, too, though. And Stephen Miller.

ANYWAY maybe this is the rare instance of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet actually practicing what he preaches, because boy howdy, he sure does want you to catch COVID-19. Murderous dumbass is still, STILL pushing the just-shy-of-genocidal idea of herd immunity; I assume his eventual presidential library will be a pair of wire spinner racks in the middle of a mass grave.

I mean, look at the deteriorating fuck’s new favorite lie: that 85% of mask-wearers catch Covid. After catching and spreading it himself, precisely because he won’t let people wear masks around him. (You may need time to scream here. I did.) Donald Trump has worked harder and more effectively on behalf of the fucking coronavirus than he ever has for the American people. Mr. President, at long last, will you PLEASE STOP KILLING US?

Oh, and by the way, a newly unearthed memo reveals the Die Plebs Die Administration graciously gave the Wall Street elite the real truth about the pandemic while lying tens of thousands of us peasants into early graves, allowing the already-wealthy to profit off the very tragedy President Crotchrot refused to prevent. Populism sure is weird, huh?

I still don’t have anything to say about the Amy Coney Barrett hearings*. There is truly no more useless lump of empty ceremony than a SCOTUS confirmation…Senate Republicans pretend this theocrat loon isn’t going to do all the things she’s being specifically hired to do, imagining they’re fooling people. Well, quite a few of these out-of-touch, power-mad plutocrats are about to learn a very important lesson about ignoring the people’s will, and hey, maybe that can be a valuable experience they can bring to the jobs they’re going to be looking for come November 4th.

Bless his cowardly, enabling, little heart, Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse seems to think Trumpstink washes off. Yes, after four years of active participation in an anti-democracy crime spree, from the Kiddie Koncentration Kamps to his oath-betraying impeachment vote, young Benjamin seems to believe redemption is a mere shake of the Etch A Sketch away. I assure you, sir, it is not.

Let us be honest about what you have done, Republicans, and what you have allowed yourselves to become. Yes, I understand you don’t want to talk about it. We’re going to talk about it anyway.

Even Susan Collins, whose Rational Moderate mask is slipping off so fast I assume she’s run afoul of Scooby-Doo and Shaggy, is funneling campaign cash to the next generation of up-n-coming QAnon-addled Republican candidates.

Not to be outdone, Unelected Grifter Kelly Loeffler, under siege from both left and right, is clinging to her new BFF (that’s “Batshit Fucking Fanatic”), Marjorie Taylor Greene, an absolute psychopath set to bring her twin passions for conspiracy theories and unapologetic bigotry to the United States House of Representatives next January. As a member of the Grand Old Party.

YOUR party, Senator Romney. Even by whatever definition of “antifa” you clowns are using this week, this is not happening in our party. Shove this condescending “both sides” statement up your ass, next to the last one. For the love of God, Willard, just shut the fuck up.

That’s the future of the Republican Party, right there, in that mad embrace…Loeffler and Taylor Greene, hackery and hate. For a seat in the United States Senate. Heaven help us.

And heaven help the poor, deluded, “rational” Republicans, who think they can wrestle their party out of these slavering hyenas’ jaws. Like, when Larry Hogan gets in front of one of these mobs and tries this lame “Well, I voted for RONALD REAGAN” shtick, they’re going to tear him limb from limb.

Speaking of which, while we laugh at the bungling incompetence, it’s always chilling when Hairplug Himmler’s thirst for violence manifests at his little hate rallies, never more so than earlier this week, in North Carolina, when he boasted of ordering U.S. Marshals to carry out the extrajudicial killing of a suspect in Portland, and y’know, Joe already had me with his platform and resumé, but I also like the way he doesn’t view federal law enforcement as his own private death squad.

(Hey, I don’t know who still needs to hear this, but Cult45 wants this violence more than any perpetually-delayed health care plan. Just a lil’ pro tip.)

Well, thanks to the National Broadcasting Company’s insatiable appetite for abuse, America was treated to dueling town halls Thursday night. Strawberry Shartcake needed a miracle, instead he’s dealing with headlines like Sweaty Orangutan in Ill-Fitting Suit Refuses to Denounce QAnon, and whining about the meanie-pants moderator, because he is a braindead fuckup who cannot do one thing right.

In contrast, Joe Biden was calm, empathetic, wonky, and oh my god so refreshingly boring and normal. Shartworld surrogates sneeringly derided his performance as Mr.-Rogers-like, which is the sort of thing one expects to hear from board meetings at the Hall of Doom, not presidential campaigns. Generally speaking, one seeks to be the more Fred Rogersesque candidate in the race, and if you’re invoking that name derisively, you’re probably, y’know…evil.

Ol’ Handsome Joe seems to have won the ratings war too, and having failed at the one metric that matters most to you, Dotard, may I recommend ritual suicide? It doesn’t have to be ritual, honestly. I can mail you, like, a wrench, if it helps.

Because he is a petty, vindictive skidmark of a man who despises most Americans, President Gas Station Urinal Cake actually attempted to refuse the state of California’s request for emergency relief following a particularly devastating series of wildfires. If I can segue over to a lil’ civics lesson real quick, the Electoral College is this really awesome system where millions of American citizens can be abandoned to suffering and death by a petulant chief executive who seeks to punish them for supporting his opponent. Nice job, Founding Fathers!

Also, I see the President of the United States got duped by an obvious satire site today, but I’m sure he’s just killin’ it in those trade negotiations with China, right?

Oh look, Senator David Perdue is the latest Republican official to be Extremely Racist in Public, that’s entirely unsurprising, though his craven attempt to have it both ways is kinda funny, in a “look at the little weasel squirm” sort of way. Let’s fire this smarmy fuck, huh?

Christ, I’m tired. Forgive me if I missed anything, I need the weekend. Neeeeeeed. If you haven’t checked out the Kickstarter for my new comic book, that’s a thing you oughta do. You’ll dig it.

And there’s still time to donate to our awesome House and Senate candidates, in fact, the ol’ Fascist-Flushing Action Guide just rolled past the $30,000 mark, which fills me with the warmest of fuzzies. I thank you. Stay safe, Resisters, and get ready for the home stretch.

*Except that my first impulse is always to type Amy COMEY Barrett, on account of that one fella. You remember, the one who ruined the entire world?