Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
In the Future, the Word “Giuliani” Will Mean “A Humiliating Public Breakdown During Which One Betrays One’s Country”
After four years in Hell, I am pleased to report the bastards have, despite their best efforts, failed to grind me down. In fact, there’s a spring in my step today, because since we last met, Dear Reader, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of voting for Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. and Kamala Devi Harris. It’s an intoxicating experience, full-bodied and refreshing, with hints of longed-for spiritual renewal and Nazis getting punched. I recommend it.
I’m afraid we have to talk quite a bit about Rudy Giuliani tonight, as America’s least favorite incest aficionado chose this week to ride, perched atop a bronze horse purloined from a downed Confederate monument, to his Turd Emperor’s rescue, a shitty, treasonous, self-immolating, one-man jagoff cavalry.
“The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming,” bellowed Amerikkka’s Mayor, “I would know, I’m working for ’em! Anyway, here’s some long-ago debunked propaganda straight from the Kremlin!” and so, armed with some ridiculous story about an inebriated Hunter Biden abandoning a laptop overflowing with incriminating evidence with an…oh, let’s call him “eccentric” computer repairman, Rudy set out to make the world understand he’s not fucking around with this whole Betraying America thing.
Now, the intelligence community gets what’s going on here and they’re blowing every whistle in sight, not that it’s some big secret, you can see the crook of Putin’s elbow coming out of Rudy’s ass in every ranting media appearance, but Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s problems hardly end there; he’s also posting videos of himself being hellaciously racist while his own daughter trashes his shitty politics in a Vanity Fair op-ed endorsing Biden.
Anyway, Rudy is one of the very worst Americans of all time, and if I ever seem to tire of watching him rub shit all over his own face in what has been a very public decline and fall, please understand that means my heart has stopped beating.
I don’t like writing about Barron Trump, but let me just say that a man who recklessly infects his own child with a potentially lethal disease for absolutely no good reason is not someone you would hire to run a goddamn Sunglass Hut, let alone a nation. Maybe a small one. Liechtenstein, you can have him for…I dunno, for ten bucks worth of whatever Liechtenstein makes. You have to take Eric, too, though. And Stephen Miller.
ANYWAY maybe this is the rare instance of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet actually practicing what he preaches, because boy howdy, he sure does want you to catch COVID-19. Murderous dumbass is still, STILL pushing the just-shy-of-genocidal idea of herd immunity; I assume his eventual presidential library will be a pair of wire spinner racks in the middle of a mass grave.
I mean, look at the deteriorating fuck’s new favorite lie: that 85% of mask-wearers catch Covid. After catching and spreading it himself, precisely because he won’t let people wear masks around him. (You may need time to scream here. I did.) Donald Trump has worked harder and more effectively on behalf of the fucking coronavirus than he ever has for the American people. Mr. President, at long last, will you PLEASE STOP KILLING US?
Oh, and by the way, a newly unearthed memo reveals the Die Plebs Die Administration graciously gave the Wall Street elite the real truth about the pandemic while lying tens of thousands of us peasants into early graves, allowing the already-wealthy to profit off the very tragedy President Crotchrot refused to prevent. Populism sure is weird, huh?
I still don’t have anything to say about the Amy Coney Barrett hearings*. There is truly no more useless lump of empty ceremony than a SCOTUS confirmation…Senate Republicans pretend this theocrat loon isn’t going to do all the things she’s being specifically hired to do, imagining they’re fooling people. Well, quite a few of these out-of-touch, power-mad plutocrats are about to learn a very important lesson about ignoring the people’s will, and hey, maybe that can be a valuable experience they can bring to the jobs they’re going to be looking for come November 4th.
Bless his cowardly, enabling, little heart, Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse seems to think Trumpstink washes off. Yes, after four years of active participation in an anti-democracy crime spree, from the Kiddie Koncentration Kamps to his oath-betraying impeachment vote, young Benjamin seems to believe redemption is a mere shake of the Etch A Sketch away. I assure you, sir, it is not.
Let us be honest about what you have done, Republicans, and what you have allowed yourselves to become. Yes, I understand you don’t want to talk about it. We’re going to talk about it anyway.
Even Susan Collins, whose Rational Moderate mask is slipping off so fast I assume she’s run afoul of Scooby-Doo and Shaggy, is funneling campaign cash to the next generation of up-n-coming QAnon-addled Republican candidates.
Not to be outdone, Unelected Grifter Kelly Loeffler, under siege from both left and right, is clinging to her new BFF (that’s “Batshit Fucking Fanatic”), Marjorie Taylor Greene, an absolute psychopath set to bring her twin passions for conspiracy theories and unapologetic bigotry to the United States House of Representatives next January. As a member of the Grand Old Party.
YOUR party, Senator Romney. Even by whatever definition of “antifa” you clowns are using this week, this is not happening in our party. Shove this condescending “both sides” statement up your ass, next to the last one. For the love of God, Willard, just shut the fuck up.
That’s the future of the Republican Party, right there, in that mad embrace…Loeffler and Taylor Greene, hackery and hate. For a seat in the United States Senate. Heaven help us.
And heaven help the poor, deluded, “rational” Republicans, who think they can wrestle their party out of these slavering hyenas’ jaws. Like, when Larry Hogan gets in front of one of these mobs and tries this lame “Well, I voted for RONALD REAGAN” shtick, they’re going to tear him limb from limb.
Speaking of which, while we laugh at the bungling incompetence, it’s always chilling when Hairplug Himmler’s thirst for violence manifests at his little hate rallies, never more so than earlier this week, in North Carolina, when he boasted of ordering U.S. Marshals to carry out the extrajudicial killing of a suspect in Portland, and y’know, Joe already had me with his platform and resumé, but I also like the way he doesn’t view federal law enforcement as his own private death squad.
(Hey, I don’t know who still needs to hear this, but Cult45 wants this violence more than any perpetually-delayed health care plan. Just a lil’ pro tip.)
Well, thanks to the National Broadcasting Company’s insatiable appetite for abuse, America was treated to dueling town halls Thursday night. Strawberry Shartcake needed a miracle, instead he’s dealing with headlines like Sweaty Orangutan in Ill-Fitting Suit Refuses to Denounce QAnon, and whining about the meanie-pants moderator, because he is a braindead fuckup who cannot do one thing right.
In contrast, Joe Biden was calm, empathetic, wonky, and oh my god so refreshingly boring and normal. Shartworld surrogates sneeringly derided his performance as Mr.-Rogers-like, which is the sort of thing one expects to hear from board meetings at the Hall of Doom, not presidential campaigns. Generally speaking, one seeks to be the more Fred Rogersesque candidate in the race, and if you’re invoking that name derisively, you’re probably, y’know…evil.
Ol’ Handsome Joe seems to have won the ratings war too, and having failed at the one metric that matters most to you, Dotard, may I recommend ritual suicide? It doesn’t have to be ritual, honestly. I can mail you, like, a wrench, if it helps.
Because he is a petty, vindictive skidmark of a man who despises most Americans, President Gas Station Urinal Cake actually attempted to refuse the state of California’s request for emergency relief following a particularly devastating series of wildfires. If I can segue over to a lil’ civics lesson real quick, the Electoral College is this really awesome system where millions of American citizens can be abandoned to suffering and death by a petulant chief executive who seeks to punish them for supporting his opponent. Nice job, Founding Fathers!
Also, I see the President of the United States got duped by an obvious satire site today, but I’m sure he’s just killin’ it in those trade negotiations with China, right?
Oh look, Senator David Perdue is the latest Republican official to be Extremely Racist in Public, that’s entirely unsurprising, though his craven attempt to have it both ways is kinda funny, in a “look at the little weasel squirm” sort of way. Let’s fire this smarmy fuck, huh?
Christ, I’m tired. Forgive me if I missed anything, I need the weekend. Neeeeeeed. If you haven’t checked out the Kickstarter for my new comic book, that’s a thing you oughta do. You’ll dig it.
And there’s still time to donate to our awesome House and Senate candidates, in fact, the ol’ Fascist-Flushing Action Guide just rolled past the $30,000 mark, which fills me with the warmest of fuzzies. I thank you. Stay safe, Resisters, and get ready for the home stretch.
*Except that my first impulse is always to type Amy COMEY Barrett, on account of that one fella. You remember, the one who ruined the entire world?