Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Infrastructure Week is Out, We’re Doing Nuremberg Rally Week Now
Gosh, what a fun week. It was like coming to a fork in the road at some sort of Milton Bradley Game of Life knockoff, and suddenly you realize one of the paths in front of you leads to White Supremacist Race War in America, and you really really really wish you’d just landed on the Elect Hillary Clinton I Know You’re All Worked Up About the E-mails Thing But She’s Not Maliciously Insane space three turns back.
Brownshirt Mean Girl Kellyanne Conway figured the best way to deal with her boss’ controversial decision to go Full Klansman was to menacingly inquire as to the ethnicity of a Jewish journalist who dared to ask a Really Obvious Question. We need a word for the emotional response, that weird combination of Holy Fuck this is Chilling and Good God You’re Ridiculously Bad at This, evoked by the Keystone Gestapo when they pull blunderingly fascistic shit like this.
Another prominent scuzzball from Trumpworld, Jason Miller, apparently spends his allowance money on prostitutes, and not Slurpees and baseball cards like he tells his mom. Anyway, the ever-expanding series of contortions and excuses it takes for someone to claim they’re simultaneously “pro-Trump” and “devoutly Christian” looks more and more like an Ethical American Ninja Warrior course every day.
Enabler General Brazen Billy Barr overruled DoJ civil rights division prosecutors, in declining to pursue charges against the officer who killed Eric Garner in 2014. I think even Jeff Sessions is surprised at how much better his successor is at weaponizing the American “justice” system on behalf of institutional white supremacy. Ol’ Beauregard is like Bigot Salieri, seething with envy in the shadows, watching Barrmadeus effortlessly compose his symphony of fuckery and hate.
Roger Stone has been banned by a judge from using social media, over his childish testing of the limits of a previously court-imposed gag order. Expect Stone to whine about this a whole fucking lot, because he is Roger Stone.
Steve “David Duke Without the Baggage” Scalise is appalled at the dreadful incivility of the Democratic Party, moaning that his team “never disrespected the office” of the presidency back when they were telling President Obama to “go back to Kenya,” or shouting “you lie” during his State of the Union, or sending letters to foreign governments undermining his negotiations, or, y’know, choosing a dumbass birther game show host to succeed him. I wonder what Scalise thinks “respect” means.
Nancy Pelosi violated House rules, several laws, and fourteen different Commandments (nobody ever reads the stuff on the back of Moses’ tablets, which turns out to be mostly about being courteous to shitty people) in calling an extremely racist man’s extremely racist statements “racist.” This caused a great deal of ceremonial outrage, including a ritual dance where Louie Gohmert spoke in tongues in an effort to strike Pelosi’s words from the official record, which I guess would somehow magically transform Government Cheese Goebbels into some sort of civil rights hero, rather than a cut-rate, generic, dumber-and-uglier version of Strom Thurmond.
Really the saddest part of the whole debacle was the feeble victory lap House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy attempted in the aftermath of Pelosi’s “hey cut that out, you” non-rebuke, as though he’d retrieved the Golden Fleece, or, I dunno, done something really nutty like pass a bill, which I guess you could say is his whole job, and which he has most certainly not done. Kev’s likely to be Speaker himself some day, and I don’t know if America is ready for the endlessly-repeating cycle of bar-lowering and humiliating failure that would ensue.
Mitch McConnell pointedly refused to stand up for his wife when confronted about the head of his party’s immigrants-go-home rhetoric, because you’re not a REAL Trump Republican until you’ve smiled and bowed while Dorito Mussolini dehumanizes your family. Just ask Ted Cruz.
With all this fear and rage in the air, the brain trust over at CNN got together and decided “y’know who could use a massive platform right now? A fuckin’ real, legit, unapologetic, Nazi, that’s who!” and so they put Pasty Fist Magnet Richard Spencer on teevee in the middle of the fucking day, to belch up his LITERAL NAZI HATE to an audience of millions. I look forward to Chris Cillizza’s inevitable blather identifying the winners and losers of offering up your airwaves as a white nationalist recruiting tool, really I am.
Shakespeare understood that even in the midst of the darkest tragedy, you need a little comic relief, so this seems like a good time to bring up Congressdolt Mike Kelly, who came out as a person of color because white is totally a color, ask Crayola. “Why, I am the very hue of an albino reindeer’s nutsack!” Kelly mewled, “Where is MY pride parade?”
Further evidence surfaced this week to support Shower Cap’s Theory of Where We All Live (Which is Hell); the ungodly heat and humidity, and the poll showing President Ostomy Bag’s support among Republicans actually INCREASED following his new rebranding as the Guy Who Hates These Four Specific Brown Women. That ol’ Overton window’s sliding downhill so fast, an idea like “white Republicans should demonstrate basic decency and respect for their fellow human beings” may seem almost comically radical soon.
Video surfaced of Strawberry Shartcake and Jeffrey Epstein, partying like it was 1992 (because it was), fondling women and swapping trafficking tips. Anyway, I got Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life to show me what would happen if America ever watched Barack Obama grabbin’ some asses in the company of a known child molester, and in that world, the evangelical “Christian” movement staged an armed revolt.
Now, Epstein was denied bail, but he’s not the only the Trump-connected child sex trafficker behind bars today, thanks to George Nader, who is now facing charges for some truly vile crimes. Y’know, I don’t think I know one single child sex trafficker…is that unusual?
Rand Paul is absolutely fucking SICK of those filthy taker 9/11 first responders, and he won’t tolerate those revolting American heroes suckling at the teat of the GOP donor class one minute longer! “Obviously, if we’re to replenish the 9/11 Victims Compensation Fund, we must immediately offset the cost, ideally from the budget of some orphanage, or perhaps a hospital in a predominantly minority community.” Yes, this is the same Rand Paul who unhesitatingly voted for needless massive tax cuts for billionaires, with nary an offset, why do you ask?
And a Pentagon contractor got himself arrested for threatening to murder Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson over a proposed vaccine bill. So, yeah, I guess a cool thing about being a public servant these days is that pursuing policies that really ought to be completely uncontroversial, in this case “hey, let’s vaccinate kids so they don’t get sick,” might just get you killed by an unhinged, heavily-armed, nitwit who fell down some internet misinformation rabbit hole and broke his brain. 2019 is so fun, you guys.
And yeah, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot decided to explore a thrilling new genre in his Reality TV Presidency, turning his North Carolina campaign rally into one of the most horrifying scenes in American history, with his rabid congregation responding to his Two Minutes Hate targeting Rep. Ilhan Omar by screeching “Send Her Back” in vicious, manic, droning, unison. In a perfectly Trumpian detail, his campaign manager exaggerated the size of the mob.
To think, I used to worry about the state of American culture every time Two and a Half Men got renewed for another season. Now we’re at the point of “gosh, I hope there are more basically decent voters than blow-on-me-and-I’ll-turn-fascist types in Wisconsin,” and I can’t say I feel great about that.
Anyway, just like after Charlottesville, it seems to have penetrated Shart Garfunkel’s tiny gobstopper brain that he went a bit too far this time, so he attempted a sad little walk-back, with some truly lame gaslighting, barely worthy of a magician at a 3rd grade talent show. And then of course, he walked back the walk-back, praising the “patriotism” of the crazed hate mob, (again, just like Charlottesville) because the only purpose of the insincere and quickly-abandoned half-denouncement is to be able to point to it, out of context, as proof of his purity and goodness. Whatevs.
Lord knows it was good enough for Affable Hatrack Mitt Romney, who never met an excuse, however flimsy, to feign ignorance of Trump’s depravity that he didn’t like. Lindsey Graham, ever angling for one of the delicious Milk-Bone treats Donnie Dotard keeps in his jacket pocket to reward his most docile stooges, went a bit further, blaming the four freshmen Congresswomen of th’Squad for daring to invoke their constitutional right to criticize the president, and lamenting that John McCain never faced this sort of treatment. Lindsey my dude, John McCain was not my favorite, but maybe just maybe the difference here is that your old buddy didn’t whip up hate mobs and talk about how kewl white supremacist terrorist are. Anyway, John’s gonna rise up out of his grave and slap his name right out of your mouth, if you keep this shit up.
You can learn everything you’ll ever need to know about Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “sociopath”) by watching the video clip of his interaction with Nobel Peace Prize-winning Yazidi activist Nadia Murad during an Oval Office meeting with refugees; the dead-eyed stupidity, the inability to pay attention when the subject bores him, the complete absence of empathy, and of course, the ravenous, irrepressible self-centeredness.
“Yeah, sure, your whole family was murdered, but you got a Nobel out of it! I’ve been giving a third world dictator monthly handjobs trying to get ahold of one of those babies! I wonder if Alcaida would do me a solid, and off Tiffany, gin me up some sympathy? That might just do the trick…”
Unsealed documents from the Michael Cohen case reminded us that the Candycorn Skidmark didn’t come by the nickname “Individual 1” by winning a beauty pageant (or even by ogling teenagers entered in one), but by conspiring to commit felonies. Hope Hicks did some crimes as well, and lied about said crimes under oath before Congress, for bonus crime points. I’m trying to come up with a list of high-ranking officials in the Trump campaign and/or administration that aren’t known felons, and all I’ve got is Nikki Haley and Marlon Bundo.
Oh, and the Shitgeyser Campaign and the RNC have apparently coughed up 600 grand in donor money to pay Hicks’ legal fees, so big shout out to the loyal rubes of Cult45, not only is your Turd Emperor completely incapable of and uninterested in doing anything to improve your lives, he’s gleefully spending your hard-earned cash keeping his favorite pet crooks out of jail.
(Of course, I’m talking about the same crew that’s apparently willing to shell out 15 bucks for a 10-pack of Dolt-branded plastic straws to “own the libs.” Yeah, folks, I can’t tell you how thoroughly “owned” I feel, watching you set your money on fire.)
Anyway, we’ve got a potential debt ceiling breach on the horizon, and Iran seems to have taken up a new hobby, collecting oil tankers, but I just hope the world doesn’t end until this nice lady gets to marry her chandelier. And if that last bit doesn’t make you descend into utter madness, I’m afraid you’re on your own for the weekend. See y’all soon.