Holy heck, y’all, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a Restaurant in a Few Months and My God Possibly Even Attending a Movie This Calendar Year Assuming I Ever Stop Weeping For Joy.

Well, to date, the post-presidency of the Deposed Dotard with Diminutive Digits has been…let’s just say I don’t think Jimmy Carter is looking over his shoulder.

I’ve actually created a remarkably accurate tool for forecasting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s pitiful shenanigans, call it Cap’s Law of Loser is as Loser Does (Or “CLLLoD”): to predict Donald Trump’s behavior in a given situation, simply consider the setting, and then ask, “What would the biggest loser in the entire world do?”

So, for example, if I told you, “Donald Trump gave a speech to a crowd of wealthy donors at an RNC event held at his tacky-ass golf resort,” and you applied CLLLoD, you’d say, “Well, I suppose he’d launch into a meandering tirade, full of stupid, embarrassing lies, snarling bigotry, and worn-to-the-nub petty grievances, ultimately serving mostly to advertise the unmanageable insecurities that have made him a serial failure and global laughingstock.”

See? The margin of error is fuckin’ microscopic. I’m awaiting peer review before officially publishing my findings, but locating other drunken, masked/bathrobed bloggers has proven challenging.

(Wee Don saved his biggest, tuffest words for Mitch McConnell, by the way, and I’m sure everyone was impressed at his general Big Tuff Boyness. I’m all for this jag-on-jag warfare, of course; honestly, I’m still holding out hope this ends with those two irredeemable dungbuckets plummeting into some bottomless Disney villain abyss, hands clutched tight around one another’s throats.)

The ongoing downfall of Florida (Congress)Man Matt Gaetz continues to be a fascinating real-time experiment in just how much dignity a human turd can shed whilst circling the drain.

So, last week we learned Matt tried but failed to wrangle a pardon from Hairplug Himmler, right? Well, nowadays the Venmo Kid is so radioactive, so pungently reeking of Eau De You’re Fucked Son, that he can’t even land a MEETING with Boss Shart anymore. This news threatens to burst my schadenfreude-engorged belly, because proximity to Trump was the only thing this putrid scrotum tumor had to offer anyone, meaning he’s in even deeper sh-wait now, what’s this you say? Matt’s wingman, indicted trafficker-of-minors Joel Greenberg, is cooperating with the investigation?

Hooooooooooooooooweeee! When Gaetz finally hits pavement, there won’t be enough of him left to spread on a Wheat Thin.

I suppose Congressman Sex Trafficker can at least take comfort in the fact that his caucus leader lacks the ethical fortitude to so much as remove him from the committee overseeing the very Justice Department currently investigating his monumental loathsomeness. Kevin McCarthy remains the Neville Chamberlain of Nevilles Chamberlain.

Speaking of Republican Congressmen Who Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near Playgrounds, Gym Jordan decided to play Fuck Around and Find Out with Maxine Waters, behavior so obviously hazardous to one’s health I’m surprised the Surgeon General didn’t tackle him. Now that his Turdlord has been o’erthrown, Gymbo’s ostentatiously indignant gaslighting act seems more pathetic and clownish than ever, just an underdressed man-child rubbing shit in his own hair for reasons that are frankly difficult to grasp. The circus moved on, bro; if you have failed to develop any skill set beyond biting the heads off chickens, that’s on you. And buy a jacket, for Christ’s sake.

Rising MAGA star Kristi Noem says the COVID mass grave that used to be South Dakota before she took over is for WHITES ONLY, and I just hope everyone is prepared for the 2024 GOP presidential primary to be months of the very worst people alive trying to out-racist one another. Y’know, like usual.

Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and Josh Hawley (quite the Dumbfuck Cerberus…what, was Tommy Tuberville busy?) have a plan to return their hopelessly corrupt congregation of the malicious and mediocre to glory, introducing legislation to fiscally discipline Major League Baseball, (for, you’ll recall, opposing the GOP’s fascist, racist assaults on voting rights) because I guess that’s just how you fill your hours when you’re a “legislator” in a party that’s decided policy is for cucks.

The truth is, all this floundering faux outrage only reveals the naked terror running through the Republican Party these days; the Biden Administration promised shots in arms and money in pockets, and speaking for myself, okay, the money got transformed into beer and comic books more or less immediately, but the way the things were going under the last guy (Orange fellow. Loud, stupid. Mouth not unlike the puckered butthole of a syphilitic walrus.) I wasn’t expecting to get vaccinated for months yet. The American people are pretty fucking pleased with the recent change in management, is what I’m saying.

And now, Joe n’ Kamala n’ Chuck n’ Nancy n’ all their friends in our narrow-but-feisty congressional majority plan to follow up their smash debut American Rescue Plan with the equally popular American Jobs Plan, an infrastructure mega-bill filled with loads of awesome stuff favored by massive bipartisan majorities, but opposed by congressional Republicans, on account of the way they’re essentially entry-level employees in the billionaire class’ collective accounting department and all.

I’m nearly sympathetic, because yeah, politically speaking, it was already a pretty fucking big ask, to return the GOP to power on the memory of their I Honestly Didn’t Know You Could Fuck America Up This Badly in Just Four Years record, and that was before Jonny Ossoff and the Reverend Warnock ushered in the Age of Reconciliation and the accompanying trillions. On the other hand, it SHOULD be hard to defend your trash party’s trash positions, so fuck you, I rescind my sympathy. It was only a literary device anyway, you fucks.

Anyway, these bewildered bastards are trying to figure out some way to make the American public hate a generally likable idea like, “let’s finally modernize our infrastructure and make the filthy rich pay for it.” It’s a fairly shitty thing to want to do, so I feel absolutely no guilt in laughing as their Wile E. Coyote scheme to undermine the Biden agenda goes through its entirely predictable life cycle.

“What even IS infrastructure, maaaaaaaaaan?” they feebly whined, hoping to ignite coast-to-coast outrage by furiously nitpicking over classification or terminology or…hey, don’t look at me, it wasn’t my fuckin’ plan.

“Biden’s so-called ‘infrastructure’ proposal,” shrieked Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn, waving her sternest finger quotes, “includes $400 billion for ELDER CARE of all things,” as though “elder care” is Appalachian slang for “letting an elk shit directly into your mouth.” What is your play here, Marsha, beyond Helpfully Drawing the Public’s Attention to an Underreported Aspect of Our Kickass Bill?

Heck, the best McConnell himself could muster was the petulant instance that “no one voted for” Biden’s agenda, and I mean, he’s only 81,282,916 votes off. Bless his dark, obstructionist heart, Yertle’s really only got that one trick.   

They’re trying SO HARD to recreate the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ culture-war-inside-a-tent-revival atmosphere, but they lack the manic energy to pull it off; if Wee Donnie One-Term wanted to earn an honest buck for the first time in his abominable life, the truth is, the Senate GOP would pay handsomely for a solid series of gaslighting seminars. As it is, they come off as ridiculous old men, bellowing nonsense and thrashing about gawkily, like Peter Cetera covering Black Flag.

“Sure, we capped a year of murderous bungling (half a million graves and counting, bay-bee) by inciting a Nazi lynch mob to attempt the violent overthrow of the federal government, and our successors are restoring hope and normalcy and prosperity faster than anyone imagined was possible, but which party is torturing transgender children, I ask you that?” That’s the pitch.

And it would be a laughable pitch, were it not for the stakes. All the eggs are in the deplorables basket now. “If you want health care or economic growth or even just simple, basic competence from your government, so be it, vote Democrat, you won’t find any of that crap here…but if you’re so warped by hate and fear that you’d just as soon burn the whole thing down in order to rule the ashes, HAVE I GOT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR YOU.”

Tucker Carlson recently started slinging the jargon of the “great replacement” theory, which everyone quickly agreed is precisely the sort of thing white nationalists say. Now, I don’t have a lot of illusions left to shatter, but I thought maybe dispensing actual white supremacist propaganda on cable’s most-watched show would finally be the line even Fux was too decent to cross.

But no, Lachlan Murdoch let the world know Fish Stix Hitler has his full support, insisting to the ADL, yes, to the frickin’ Anti-Defamation League, with reptilian courtesy, that Liar Tuck’s endorsement was in fact a condemnation, which surely made Orwell’s ghost spasm and twitch. That Lachlan sees political and financial benefit in platforming the ideology of genocide is, at the risk of editorializing, a phenomenally shitty thing.

Shittier still is hearing the same poison vomited up during a subcommittee hearing, by a sitting U.S. Congressman, but then, Pennsylvania’s Scott Perry has been a fairly reliable hategeyser since swapping out his old Freedumb Caucus crazy pants for those shiny new robes. Naturally, Ron “the Shame of Wisconsin” Johnson wants in on this Nazi shit too, because wherever Nazi shit is to be found, RoJo wants in on it. It’s his “thing.”

And now, fashy dentist Paul Gosar is teaming up with Marjorie Taylor Guam to launch a bonafide Brownshirt Caucus within the House GOP, squealing about the need to Make Architecture White Again, which presumably means constructing all new buildings out of the copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Gosar cranks out by hand in his basement during his week-long meth benders.

In announcing new sanctions on Russia, (sorry Vlad, Daddy’s home) the Biden Administration revealed that pardoned traitor Paul Manafort was indeed involved in a scheme to use a Konstantin-Kilimnik-shaped pipeline to funnel secret Trump campaign information directly to Russian Intelligence Services, the better to target their efforts to interfere in our election and install Putin’s personal pet in the White House.

And we just…let that guy be President for four entire years. Cool. Hey Republicans, if you ever find yourselves wondering how y’all alienated every American voter who isn’t a Klansman or a drooling, conspiracy-addled fuckwit, maybe the Koch family owns some sort of mirror factory, you perfidious shitworms.

Shoutout to the fetid wad of treason and loserstech that stormed the U.S Capitol 100 short days ago, on their very first plea-bargainin‘, flippity-flippin’, manly-militia-man-turned-cooperating-witness: founding Oath Keeper Jon Ryan Schaffer! I won’t claim to be an expert, but I guess the “oath” in question must not cover immediately selling your deadbeat terrorist buddies out ten seconds after Captain Consequences knocks on your door. “Oath Keepers.” Sure, Jan.

And even as the pandemic recedes, the older American plagues of mass shootings and police violence surge anew. It’s a battle every damn day, making this country live up to its promises. It’s been nice lately, putting some points on the board for a change, but the work remains…

…so grab some rest (rest meaning beer) this weekend so you’re up for it! Stay safe out there, Shower Captives, the finish line is finally in sight!

PS – Aw, Roger Stone thought he was all safe n’ pardoned, but it appears his troubles are just beginning, how sad…