Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
JFK Jr., Aaron Rodgers’ Brain, and Other Things Which Are Not Alive
Wow, not the best week, huh? Well, I hate to disrupt the traditional Democratic post-electoral-defeat hand-wringing and self-flagellation, but life goes on and so does the fight. Besides, if you keep crying into your beer, you’ll ruin it, and if there’s one thing I simply will not abide, it’s wasting beer. So let’s do what we always do here. Let’s look this fucked-up world square in the eye, warts, shitstains and all, and fucking deal with it.
I see the University of Florida took a sad, fashy stab at claiming their professors, as a condition of employment, somehow forfeited their First Amendment right to oppose the authoritarian policies of the Mad Emperor Ron-Ron, but ultimately backed down following massive backlash from those who aren’t willing to meekly cede their rights to this shitty new coalition of the tyrannically subpar. Good. More of that, please.
Josh Hawley, aka What Happens When Lurch Fucks a Carton of Condensed Milk, became the latest squealing conservative hatemarmot to lament the fallen state of American masculinity, in defiance of the mewling mediocrity he finds leering in every mirror. To hear Joshward tell it, dastardly liberalism steers men away from conventionally manly activities, like inciting white nationalist violence, and towards video games and pornography.
Personally, I think treating yourself to a good, sturdy fap from time to time is healthier than, say, breaching the U.S. Capitol and assaulting law enforcement, and a helluva lot less likely to land you in prison. So long as you don’t do it at, like, Macy’s or anything.
Of course, Hawley remains entirely unperturbed by what CNN’s Jim Acosta accurately labels the “Proud Boy porn” of Tucker Carlson’s terrifying new “documentary,” which differs from open, unapologetic, Nazi propaganda in fewer ways than any decent person would like. Mom was right, TV really will rot your brain.
Former Vice Führer Mike Pants claims it wuz James Madison himself that talked him out of participating in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Asshat Autogolpe, and a hundred million eyes rolled in unison. Look here, you hairshirt-wearing theocrat fuck: I’m not saying Jimmy Mads wouldn’t make the arduous journey back from the afterlife to pay you a visit; I’m just saying that if he did, it’d be to put an ectoplasmic boot so far up your treacherous ass you’d be calling the Ghostbusters for dental work.
Speaking of incursions from the underworld, John F. Kennedy Jr. finally returned, bearing a secret recipe for fudge which somehow causes weight loss, as well as three full new seasons of Firefly. Either that or hundreds of the dumbest motherfuckers walking god’s green earth waddled down to Dallas for yet another heapin’ helpin’ of culty disappointment, I confess I only glanced at the headlines; I’ve poured enough cray-cray into my brain for one lifetime, thank you.
Newsmax “reporter” Emerald Robinson, who regularly platforms the looniest imaginable disinformation from the very White House briefing room, (when she isn’t busy pining for white evangelical supremacy on social media, that is) actually seems to have crossed some sort of line in the chest-high mound of bat guano back at the office, and she’s been pulled from public proganda-spewing duties. Anyway, congratulations, comrades, looks like we’re getting away with our plot to inject satanic, glow-in-the-dark markers into Real Muricans after all.
Mr. DeMille, I fear the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial was not quite prepared for his close-up. Unless it’s customary for our august magistrates to interrupt proceedings with self-pitying meltdowns over their media coverage? Can’t speak to that, personally, as my attempts to draw Jake Tapper’s attention to the grand injustice of my parking ticket bill have yet to bear fruit.
To my surprise n’ delight, the left actually appears to have figured out how to respond to that puerile “let’s go Brandon” crap. Pro tip: there is nothing in the world these twerps relish more than “triggering” you, because they’ve built their entire value system around opposing every single thing you say and believe, to the degree that they are literally engaging in suicidal health behaviors out of pure spite, so there’s nothing more devastatingly deflating to them than refusing to be trolled. Do with that what you will.
I see Tulsi Gabbard is back in the news, which is odd; I was quite certain I’d flushed. Anyhoo, the ol’ “spouting wingnut talking points while pretending to be a Democrat” gig looks to be as lucrative as ever…unless Glenn Greenwald gets stabby over the incursion into his turf, of course.
Anyway, I think we can all agree the Real Victim Here™️ is Aaron Rodgers, who just wants to spread Covid and chug horse dewormer in peace without the “woke mob” calling him a fucking idiot JUST BECAUSE he’s a fucking idiot. I did my own research too, Mr. Football Guy, and I discovered your brain doesn’t work.
Sooooooo yeah. Election night. Not awesome. While the news was by no means all bad, we did lose the big one, Virginia, and New Jersey was, like Donald Trump in a dressing room full of underage beauty pageant contestants, too close for comfort. The trouble, as everyone from the mightiest pundit to the Kid on Facebook Who Sat Behind You in Sophomore English and Didn’t Really Get Madame Bovary will tell you, is that Democrats did too much of the Stuff I Don’t Like and not nearly enough Stuff I Personally Want, which is as convenient as it is impossible to prove.
Now, as much as I love the circular firing squad portion of the postmortem period, it would be truly stellar if everybody could work through that shit as quickly as possible, because many of the new Republican officeholders are predictably insane, including at least 10 attendees of the January 6th rally-turned-riot, and a New Jersey trucker with a Twitter feed worthy of Stephen Miller’s bedside diary.
And yeah, that sucks. It sucks a whole fuckin’ bunch. But now, we can either wallow around in the suckage, or get to work making these skeevy weirdos one-term wonders.
As a general rule, I do not like to shit on Democrats in this blog, but electoral setbacks always bring out the doomsayers and the whiners, and my personal favorite, the hostage-takers, who threaten to take their ball, their vote, and their activism, and go home, because the political party tasked with representing 80 million unique Americans failed to swiftly deliver their own personal policy preferences, all gift-wrapped and pine-scented.
To those folks, I can only offer my heartiest “get the fuck over yourself.” I’m sorry you thought creating change was as simple as winning one election; it is not. I confess I’m unsure how you arrived at “giving up” as a viable solution, but that’s another one you got wrong, champ.
So what the fuck do we do now?
I mean, while I wouldn’t generally recommend looking to a drunken shithead in a bathrobe and luchador mask for advice on matters this weighty, it just so happens I do have the answer here:
Y’know how “work harder” is usually the answer? Well, it’s the answer again, SURPRISE! I don’t know if anybody needs to get that tattooed on the inside of their eyelids or anything, but yeah…work harder.
The midterms are right around the corner, and yes, that fight’s lookin’ like an uphill climb during a blinding hailstorm with a few rabid badgers thrown in for good measure. Dunno what to tell ya; the fight’s like that sometimes. Wish it wasn’t, but it sure fuckin’ is.
Shit’s not nearly as hopelessly bleak as it seemed Tuesday night, by the way. Covid vaccines were finally approved for kids aged 5-11, which’ll take a big ol’ chunk out of the Rogan/Rodgers crew’s ability to fuck up more rational folks’ lives, and didj get a look at that jobs report? Hot DAMN! And there’s trillions more in help on the way, folks…don’t you dare give up now; things’re just gettin’ good!
In conclusion, I’ve sifted through all the data, and it’s clear the swings in Jersey and Virginia occurred primarily because not enough people have signed up on the Kickstarter prelaunch page for my next comic book.
Seriously, I’m awfully proud of the work the team put in on this one, and the book is super fun. Help us bring this one to life, and we’ll deliver some much-needed smiles for the long slog to Election Day 2022. (Plus, don’t forget about the special rewards tiers for blog fans! Read about ‘em here!) We go live this coming Tuesday, November 9th, and as always, I’d be honored and thankful to have your support.
Either way, stay safe out there, Resisters, and under no circumstances allow the bastards to grind you down.