- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Losing Just Hurts More From Behind a Comically Small Desk
Well, I trust everyone enjoyed their long holiday weekend, and gave thanks for the extremely amusing ongoing downfall of one Donald John Trump, until recently the President of the United States, now merely an aesthetically displeasing perpetual motion losing machine.
I confess I didn’t follow every single election certification or humiliating court defeat, but the Seriously How Can One Man Lose This Much Show was a constant background presence, like the cheerily bland sitcom you keep on while you fold laundry or fiddle with your fantasy water polo team. Critics say it’s repetitive, but sometimes you just want fan service and comfort food, and what can I say, I like watching fascists step on rakes. Plus, whoever it is that’s playing Rudy Giuliani is phenomenal; doin’ some real Nic-Cage-meets-Lon-Chaney shit.
And you gotta love how Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops gets his hopes up every time Sidney Powell claims a talking salamander told her the voting machines in Pennsylvania were possessed by Vince Foster’s ghost or whatever. He truly expects this gibbering lunacy to hold up in court. His walnut brain can’t comprehend what’s happening to him; “I spend my father’s money until I get what I want” has been the universal truth of his entire skidmark life, y’see.
And so he kicks and screams and shits himself, and, because this is Hell, this doddering old bigot’s barely-coherent meltdowns are received as if from on high by his assclown acolytes, replacing reality with rage, consequences for American democracy be damned. Hell, he even found a handful of Pennsylvania state legislators willing to assist him in his attempted coup, which is kinda disappointing; ideally you’d like that number to be zero, I think.
There’s still plenty of last-minute fuckery to be perpetrated by the Turd Reich before Dad gets home, including a plan to Make Executions Medieval Again, because of course there’s some drooling wannabe supervillain in this buffet of assholes that wants to bring firing squads back. You sort of expect Stephen Miller to try to steal the physical Bill of Rights on the way out the door, just in case that works.
Well, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot did indeed pardon Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn, because honestly, is betraying your country really a crime if you hate Barack Obama a whole bunch? Now Rudy wants one, too (might need a couple; one for treason, one for Borat), so I hope you brought enough for everyone, Dotard.
The new Amy Coney Barrett-infused wingnut SCOTUS majority wasted little time flexing their meathead muscle, ruling that the death cult they serve has the right to spread plague in the name of religious liberty, which is insane in no small way. You read Gorsuch’s smug harangue, and you realize that A) the man lacks even a layman’s understanding of how the coronavirus spreads, and B) he feels not the slightest obligation to educate himself before wielding the awesome power of his office, and thus, Neil n’ Friendz merrily ruled in favor of the goddamn disease, against the American public, without a second thought. Not bangarang.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to cancel the Best Production Design category this year, to spare the nominees the shame of comparison to the genius who set up that wee Fisher-Price table for Gameshow Göring’s Thanksgiving conniption.
And of course, the Georgia Senate runoffs are still ground zero for Death Stage Trumpism’s malignant mutation, with the Manchurian Manchild’s fascist shitfit hampering the state GOP’s GOTV efforts, because why pry yourself away from the soothing ragedrone of the All-New, All-Batshit Newsmax/OANN media bubble long to cast a vote in an election that’s already been rigged by Dead Hugo Chavez’s Deep State Cabal and Jug Band?
We’ve got a bunch of stories about Republicans in Georgia to get through tonight, and it’s basically A Child’s Treasury of Folks Who’ve Refused to Learn the Lessons of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Even Though It’s Readily Commercially Available For Real There Are Even Several Movies.
Take for example, Ronna Can-I-Be-a-Romney-Again-Now-That-We’re-Fired McDaniel, frantically attempting to herd the hallucinating horde back towards the real world and the election that’s about to take place there, even as they petulantly demand a fresh pitcher of griffin piss to gargle. You’re not in control here, Ronna. You never were.
It must be said, even after a particularly nasty primary, no one can accuse Twitching Hatemarmot Doug Collins of being a poor team player, though in fairness, he seems delighted simply to have a platform to smear Martin Luther King Jr.’s church as “the bed of Hell.”
Of course, any party member refusing to screech as enthusiastically as Collins during the Two Minutes Hate is likely to become the next target of it. Just ask Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, who has received numerous death threats, with bonus threats of sexual violence targeting his wife, from this profoundly “Christian” movement, simply for doing his job and upholding the law.
Or ask Brian Kemp, who went to all the trouble of stealing the state’s governorship on behalf of his party, only to be brutally excommunicated for refusing to reach beyond the powers of his office to make the results of the election magically vanish like a mistress’ pregnancy.
Shit, by the end of the day, you had Republican Georgia election officials begging the President of the United States to stop inciting violence against them and their families. Devotees of the Frankenstein genre will note that the monster is generally disinclined, at this stage of his rampage, to heed either reason or calls for mercy.
Meanwhile, the more we learn about David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler, the more they look like such broad caricatures of the “corrupt politician” that they’d come off campy in Doris freakin’ Day movie, and it’s frankly sorta nuts that either one would get a single vote.
Joe diGenova, the attorney for the Turdmaggot Campaign who handles the tasks that don’t involve self-immolating in front of dildo shops, casually suggested the only just reward for Christopher Krebs’ treacherous adherence to objective reality is, naturally, a grisly, Inquisition-style public execution. While I understand kakistocracy is the hip new craze sweeping through MAGA nation quicker than Diet Cherry Meth, may I suggest we resist normalizing the political violence fantasies of the shittiest among us?
Speaking of the shittiest among us, boy, Scotty Atlas really jumped ahead in the rankings for this year’s White Privilege Cup, didn’t he? After a brief but gruesomely “successful” tenure as Fat Q*bert’s herd immunity whisperer, he now departs the Shart House for greener pastures, empty head held high over a body count that’s the envy of every hostile force that ever took up arms against the United States. Dude’s career going forward should be just two quick steps: from here to the catapult and from the catapult straight into the fucking sun.
I see the Hairplug That Ate Decency somehow squeezed another $170 million out of the Legion of Dumb, just since the election, because while he’s catastrophically awful at things like managing economies and responding to pandemics, he’s Michelangelo wrapped in Michael Jordan when it comes to monetizing the resentment of the white and subpar.
And now even Bilious Bill Barr admits he lacks the power to redact reality enough to grant his Turd Emperor a second term. You don’t need me to tell you that it took all of nine minutes for the mob to turn, in full fury, on Barr, far and away Trump’s most dangerously effective servant before today, and seriously, any of y’all could’ve picked up a paperback copy of Frankenstein for like, five bucks, any time you wanted to.
Couldn’t give us one goddamn weekend for turkey and football, even in defeat, couldja, ya unbelievable fucks? I see while I was writing tonight, Pardonamania ran truly wild, and I’ll get to that next time; for now, I need to visit the fridge for a round of leftover holiday beer. Stay safe out there, friends.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thanks, Cap. I hope you enjoy the beer!
Thank you, SC, as you deliver the goods again! I truly enjoy your great writing and only miss it for work, money, food and shelter. You nail so much down it takes my blood pressure down because you parse the farce without getting too harsh. Live long, well and prolific(ally?)..
…and, just as we thought it couldn’t get any better, you lay down this epic screed in which nearly every word is sheer perfection! Is your gig as a political blogger ongoing, or was it Cheeto-specific? Not much into graphic comics, but would follow your florid prose damned near anywhere. Keep us posted! Meanwhile, there’ll be massive damage to cover in the coming weeks, not to mention what will be UNcovered in the aftermath. Hopefully, you’ll be there rejoicing, like Jim Cantore in a thunder snow:)
I guess it was too much to expect Neil GORESUCK to care any more about people in New York being exposed to Covid than he did about a truckdriver freezing to death.
Stay well, friends!
“…any of y’all could’ve picked up a paperback copy of Frankenstein for like, five bucks, any time you wanted to.”
But… but, Cap, you do realize that means not spending five bucks on a sixer of their favorite off-brand brewskies down at the Discount Mart? How else d’ya think they’re ever gonna swallow that load of BS the Repubs are currently dealing to their supporters?
Heh, I had a bigger desk being a workerdrone for my state’s Disability Services! It’s only appropriate that the Malevolent Marmoset has been relegated to the Presidential Kiddie Table along with the ghosts of Harding, Nixon and Hoover. He’s like an idiot-savant, whose superpower is grifting money. If only it’d been, you know, being presidential. Hell, even Reagan, who couldn’t pass a high school civics test or the newer, racist, politicized naturalization exam could fake Prezidentin’ long enough to win a second term, unlike this Loser.
I like to call the new MinTru machine ONAN (look up Onanism) since it’s a Rethuglican circle-jerk of conspiracy theories, caviar and lies. Even Faux Looze sees the big middle finger writing on the wall and is trying to make nice-nice before it gets crotch stomped. I refuse to get cable TV since I don’t want a penny of my monthly bill going to these pez dispensers of H8.
Hey Cappy. The best tweet I read in regards to the teeny-tiny photo op was this: somewhere a piano is missing a bench and a village is missing its idiot. Best summation ever. Love your blogging wit.
“Shit, by the end of the day, you had Republican Georgia election officials begging the President of the United States to stop inciting violence against them and their families.”
The Death Cult of Maggots is pathetic. They now want a military dictatorship with “Tribunals”. It is impossible to track all the Administration Officials who make death threats. And that is just the threats against other Republicans.
Steve Bannon who is charged with federal grifting crimes, urges beheading of the director of the FBI. And as a cherry on top of his Murder Fantasy, he wants someone to behead Anthony Fauci. And as Cap notes, Trump Mob lawyer Joe DiGenova wants someone to assassinate former Department of Homeland Security’s cybersecurity chief Chris Krebs. But first torture him. Presumably, Kraken Komedy Lawyer Sidney Powell (who ia also America’s worst lawyer) wants to kill someone, so she is not left out of the Murder Cult. She wants MARTIAL LAW.
No consequences for death threats, they are OK if you are “White”. But these present and former government officials and advisors, like all the maggots, only stew in their victim hood with fantasies of murder. They do love their leader, the real mass murderer. They fantasize, but he acts. He stopped tests, stopped PPE stopped contact tracing, stopped vaccines, while Plague Profiteering. And he blamed Doctors and Nurses for wanting more deaths so they make more money. His Death Cult does get some credit because they do promote superspreading.
Special Corona Shoutout to Notoriously Infectious ACB! Winning with 300k dead, and the worst is yet to come.
Scott Atlas’s 2 step career move……hilarious!
I always thought religion was actually about death, despair, and destruction and now we have proof that it really is.
Thanks, Cap. I especially identified with the part about enjoying “fascists stepping on rakes”. Although things are still really scary, there’s finally some fun to be had!
Speaking of “Death Threats” Cap, did you read about the three new ways to legally kill somebody if you’re the government ? Sure you did , but , did you read about the next one to be offed by us ? Well, everybody really does have to read the story of this poor woman and the awful life she had to endure. Now, in the name of fuck you, I’m still the king , he’s gonna off the bitch cause Steven wants to watch ! This , above everything else , is a job for MUDDAFUGGA ! If you kill this woman you fat bag of pig shit , MUDDAFUGGA’S ON HIS WAY , and you ain’t gonna like it !
Stay safe Cappy , the world depends on it !
Told you months ago these would be the cray-cray-craziest weeks…this daily horror show has been wearing us down and the dumbest tRumpians are following their Turd King by tripling down on the madness ‘cuz once you’ve gone so far, there is no going back. We’re stuck with over 70,000,000 jagoffs and I do believe we are deeply fucked. Glad you are on the side of sanity, reason and clear vision. Keep on rockin’, Capster! ☮️
Cap,
You have kept me sane these god awful four years. And you make me laugh.