How are you tonight, friends? Me, I’m good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It’s CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let’s get on with the roundup.

I think I’m gonna just cut and paste a sentence like “President Crotchrot is still screeching like weasel in a blender at Elijah Cummings and Baltimore, because I guess he thinks 2020 exit polls will reveal voters’ #1 issue to be All-Consuming Hatred of This One Particular Black Man,” just to save time.

Presumably this All Elijah, All the Time “strategy” (look, this is what working class voters in the Rust Belt want) is what led to the President of the United States enjoying a snickering little gloat that Cummings’ house got broken into. In other news, the word “presidential” no longer exists.

Ben Carson went to Baltimore to tell everybody there how totally great and right Shart Garfunkel is for repeatedly shitting on their city, but when he tried to host a little press conference in Morning Star Baptist Church of Christ’s parking lot, he got kicked out, on account of their “No Dickbag Sycophants Pimping White Supremacist Hate-Mongers on Church Grounds” rule. They were using that lot to store grain, Dr. Ben!

You’re never gonna believe this, but it turns out the overwhelming majority of that $16 billion farmer bribe bailout we the people get to pay for will benefit the already-wealthy. A rare outlier from the dedicated populist who gave the megarich an enormous tax cut at the expense of the rest of us, tried to steal health care from millions in order to further enrich the GOP donor class, and merrily spends his Rube Army’s campaign donations on personal legal fees.

Some day the poets will sing odes on the Rise and Fall of John Ratcliffe, who journeyed from Generic Replacement Level Angry White Republican Guy to nominee for Director of National Intelligence to Discarded Used Condom Found on a Public Playground in just one short week. Turns out Johnboy “inflated his resume” a smidge, and he’s not actually the terrorist-fightin’ immigrant-deportin’, superman he portrays in chatrooms, and, ahem, political campaigns. I bet he didn’t really kill Voldemort, either.

A group of Republicans, including Deposed Koch Brothers Finger Puppet Scott Walker, are suing to overturn an anti-gerrymandering measure in Michigan. The measure passed with overwhelming popular support, presumably because Michiganders wanted the right to actually choose their own leaders, but nothing terrifies the GOP more than free and fair elections. Reached for comment, Walker snarled, “If we cared what the people wanted, we’d be fucking Democrats, wouldn’t we?”

According to the ACLU, the Turdmaggot Administration has separated more than 900 migrant children from their parents at the border since being ordered by a federal judge to stop fucking doing that abominable shit. Horror aside, as much as it pains me to admit this, I think we’ve lost the coveted “delights in the suffering of children” vote for 2020. We’ll just have settle for jobs, health care, anti-corruption, and BASIC FUCKING HUMAN DECENCY.

Here’s another earth-shaking surprise to blow your fucking mind: despite the undisputed fact that the GOP’s racism problem appeared, spontaneously, with no prior warning whatsoever, at some point during 2016, it turns out Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon were secretly incredibly racist. Anyway, print that article out, so the next time your favorite NeverTrumper wails “this is not the Republican Party I know!” you can roll it up like a newspaper and smack him in the nose with it.

Here’s some welcome news: it ain’t Wabbit Season, it ain’t Duck Season, it’s GOP HOUSE RETIREMENT SEASON! I guess it’s no fun in the minority, especially now that you can’t even enjoy the locker room talk anymore since Jim Jordan ruined it. Most of the retirees are in safe seats (so far) but we’re already measuring the drapes in Will Hurd’s office. Assuming he has drapes. Look, I sent an intern over with measuring tape, and he’s gonna feel really fucking stupid if there are no drapes, but that’s his problem, and it’s certainly no excuse if he forgets to pick up that six pack I asked for on the way back.

Because I have made the questionable decision to keep up this blog, it is my distinct displeasure to inform you that, how shall I put this, that “Jeffrey Epstein Hoped to Seed the Human Race With His DNA.” He wanted to impregnate up to twenty women at a time at his New Mexico ranch. He wanted a JEFFREY EPSTEIN FARM. Had I known about this story in advance, I’d have had ShowerCap-branded barf bags available for sale, and I’d put a link right here and I’d have made a goddamn fortune.

I suppose the goods news is Epstein was not successful in this endeavor. I mean, we totally fuckin’ dodged that one, right? Ten thousand things have gone catastrophically wrong these last three years, but at least we don’t have an army of young Jeffrey Epstein saplings to fend off.

James Comey will not be prosecuted for whatever dumb thing the Gohmert crowd hoped he might be prosecuted for. This seems like good news on the surface, but I don’t know how comfortable I feel with Jazzy Jim roaming around free; he already single-handed fucked up the entire course of human history once.

Wisconsin Republicans are taking a principled stand against…allowing a partially paralyzed Democratic Representative to phone into committee meetings. Anyway, I’m writing a screenplay based on Robin Vos and co., titled JAG STORY, with the tagline “Being Republican means never having to say you’re sorry…for being a festering bag of amputated warthog buttholes.”

Freshman Republican Congresscreep Denver Riggleman has earned the ire of party officials back home is his district for the unforgivable sin of officiating a same-sex wedding. Now, Denver is a legit right-wing nutjob, a true believer who actually auditioned to join the Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus in the very wave election that destroyed their majority, but members of his party want to excommunicate him because he’s insufficiently hateful. And yet they become capillary-poppingly FURIOUS when you call them bigots.

Word on the street is, Mitch McConnell is none too fond of his new “Moscow Mitch” nickname. He hates the merchandise Kentucky Dems are selling, he hates Ben Folds’ new song, and when we take back the Senate, flip him over on his back, tattoo “Property of Vlad Putin” on his soft underbelly, and make him flail ineffectually in the minority while we methodically undo his life’s work, he’s REALLY gonna be pissed.

Anyway you guys, it’s not fair to call him “Moscow Mitch!” It’s not like a couple of his ex-staffers are lobbying for a Russian-backed aluminum mill in Kentucky that’s TOTALLY NOT A PAYOFF FOR SERVICES RENDERED. (The joke here is that this is, in fact, exactly what’s happening. Get it? GET IT?)

The Federal Reserve cut interest rates, but not enough to placate the Manchurian Manchild, who whined “(Chairman Jerome)* Powell let us down,” because he wanted the Fed to “Push the Magic Economy Button so I can keep rage-tweeting at black people all day long.” Look, we all understand how hard it is to get re-elected when you keep fucking the economy up on purpose, but maybe you should’ve thought of that before you spent 73 years on Earth without taking your fucking brain out of the factory packaging.

An enterprising young firearms merchant in North Carolina hit upon the Mad-Men-for-white-nationalists idea of advertising his lil’ shop using photographs of the four Congressional Freshwomen-of-color known as The Squad, because wink wink don’t you just wanna murder them for replacing you and whatnot. Said merchant, enjoying the wave of ensuing attention like a child, grinning after pissing on the living room sofa, thoughtfully opined, “I also feel a couple of them, being Muslim, have ties to actual terrorists groups.” Now, that dude is 100% voting next year. Are you?

President Valor Thief, in a deeply strange act of pissant micromanagement, ordered the Navy to rescind decorations bestowed on the prosecutors in the trial of his favorite pet war criminal, Edward Gallagher. Further demonstrating his level of respect for Americans in uniform, he’s trying to divert money from military retirement programs to fund his unconstitutional attempt to use emergency powers to build his big stupid wall. Surely, his spot on Mount Rushmore is assured now. 

And now Minivan Dad Brownshirt Cory Lewandowski is fantasizing about a Senate run in New Hampshire? I dunno, I don’t think “I barely avoided charges even though I was caught on camera assaulting a female reporter” is gonna fit on a shitty, made-in-China, ballcap, so I think you’re fucked, son.

Ridiculous Stooge But Not the Funny Kind Lindsey Graham, hard at work on the issues that matter most to working Americans, pushed a bill designed to raise the number of days a migrant child can be held in detention, from 20 to 100, because let’s face it, America will never be great until we maximize our potential to inflict lifelong trauma on brown kids. Anyway, congratulations Senator, on getting your picture in the dictionary next to “Banality of Evil.”

Figuring it’d been awhile since he last crotch-stomped his own country’s economy, the Bonespur Buttplug announced another round of China tariffs, which tanked the stock market AGAIN, like it does every single time he pulls this stuff, and I don’t want to seem partisan but the next President should be CAPABLE OF LEARNING. And the dumb motherfucker still thinks China pays this shit. It’s like watching a bird fly face first into the same plate glass door, over and over again.

And President Ostomy Bag continues his desperate, wishful, gaslighting on Russian election interference. “Oh you don’t really believe this. Do you believe this?” he said, in response to a reporter bringing up his Supervillain Team-Up partner, no doubt imagining himself to be very clever indeed. Imagine FDR addressing the country after Pearl Harbor, acting like the very notion that Japan was waging war on us was sort of whimsically silly. Now imagine every elected member of his party silently enabling him. Yeah, things sure are wacky, here in Shitty Wonderland.

Oh, and Weehands McNodick held another loser hate rally, in Ohio or Narnia or someplace, who gives a fuck. There was, of course, the usual cavalcade of lies, but in his defense, he can’t really run for re-election on his record. Cult45ers on the scene reported that they’re “tired of being called racists,” which like a pineapple saying “I am tired of being called a pineapple.” For what it’s worth, deplorables, we are infinitely more sick of you.

One little Shartkin was also apparently tired of not being in jail, so he assaulted a protester twice his age, like a real tough guy. Again, an underrated obstacle to Donnie Dotard’s re-election chances will be the sheer number of his supporters who will be incarcerated by November, 2020.

One of Mike Pompeo’s sidekicks got fired over her “abusive management style,” which apparently included some liberally-applied office hate speech, which you’d think would be grounds for promotion in the current administration. Anyway, the entire government is now being run by Mick Mulvaney, Stephen Miller, and Eric Trump’s troll doll collection.

Okay, I couldn’t possibly stand one more second of politics this week. With two debates, I’m about to pop like the gluttony dude in SE7EN. Shutting my brain down for the weekend, folks, I’ll see y’all soon. Let me leave you with Jake Tapper who has some disturbing/oddly comforting news.

*I think this is the first time I’ve used parentheses like this in the blog and it makes me feel very fancy indeed.