Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ding Dong, the Bill is Dead!
Well, I tell ya folks…six months into the daily debacle that is the Shart Regime, I must admit…I’m getting tired.
…TIRED OF WINNING! Just as I was getting home tonight, I saw that Mike “A Human Being Who Allegedly Enjoys Spending Time With Ted Cruz” Lee and Jerry “Mad With Power Now That People Have Noticed He’s a Senator” Moran decided to torpedo the Rube Goldberg Murder Machine known as the Senate GOP Health Care Bill. (I know that’s not what it’s really called, fuck you, I’m drinking.)
Things already looked grim for Yertle’s master-plan-to-make-sure-poor-people-never-get-to-meet-their-grandchildren, as John McCain needed to step away from the Senate for a week in order to recover from a medical procedure paid for by taxpayers, and thus would be unable to cast a vote stripping access to similarly lifesaving treatments from millions of his fellow citizens. I’m told this is humorously ironic, at least to those people who wouldn’t die if McCain got the bill he wanted.
Meanwhile, Ron Johnson noticed that McConnell was promising one thing to conservatives and another, and may’ve even begun noticing that Mitch has absolutely zero respect for him whatsoever and expects him to shut his dumb tea party face and vote the party line. And that was a story for about ten minutes, until Mike n’ Jerry popped up.
Ding Dong, the bill is dead!
Which old bill?
The Murder bill!
DING DONG THE MURDER BILL IS DEAAAAAAAD.
(As a fun side note, this means dozens of GOP Representatives are on the record voting for their own shitty bill, with its 17% approval, and now they get to face their districts next fall, without even getting a bill signed into law. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAAH. WINNING!)
Mitch now wants to bring up the House bill alongside a straight ACA repeal with a two year delay. This is likely to fail, allowing Mitch to finally move on to his true passion, recording a series of Yacht Rock covers of Jimi Hendrix songs. Excuse me, I meant “massive tax cuts for the wealthy.”
Anyhow. This looks likely to fail, but let’s get on the phones one more time and drive a stake through this fucker’s heart, shall we?
Moving on, President Fat Q*Bert is actually rolling in victories these days! For example, a judge ruled (in response to a CREW lawsuit, if you’re looking for a new organization to donate to) he must release visitor logs down at Marm-a-Lago, so we’ll get to learn who his golf buddies are! Winning!
And if it’s winning you’re after, look no further than the polling! Why, just this weekend, Orange Julius Caesar won the prestigious Good Golly Miss Molly, Do We Ever Fucking Hate You Award, earning the lowest 6-month approval ratings in 70 years of polling. Because of his superior intellect, the President used his Twitter account to draw everyone’s attention to the poll that said Seriously, We’d Rather All Have Mouth Herpes Than Have You as Our President, You Shart, You.
Further winning was achieved with the rollout of Made in America Week! Every media outlet on the planet gleefully reminded their audience how the entire Shart family makes their money off products that…waaaaaaaait for it…AREN’T MADE IN AMERICA! I look forward to Respect For Women Week, Keeping White Nationalists Out of Federal Government Week, and How to Look Sexy in White Golf Pants Week.
(Joking aside, SHARTUS actually earned his biggest win in months at the Made in America ceremony today…when he got to play in a fire truck! They let him sit behind the wheel n’ everything! He prolly got ice cream after!)
Shit, Dorito Mussolini is winning so hard he’s afraid to travel to England unless the Prime Minister can promise he’ll get favorable press coverage there. In related news, I refuse to visit the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame until they induct me.
Meanwhile, this morning Politico told us that the Marmalade Shartcannon continues to seethe at Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake, for all the mean-if-true things Flake said about him during the campaign. Word is, he’s meeting with potential primary challengers, and even offering to put up millions of his own money to fund them (though, as various charities will tell you, don’t write that money on your ledger in ink), because when you fail to pass a single piece of significant legislation in your fix six months in office, what’s really important is filleting members of your own party.
If the GOP rank-and-file wanted in on some of that sweet winning action, they weren’t disappointed! Turns out, the hard-earned money they sent Ol’ Scrotumheart to make America great will instead be used to pay his idiot son’s mushrooming legal fees.
He promised to work for you, and he’s literally got YOU working for HIM. Nice work, O Ye of What I Am Repeatedly Told is Economic Anxiety.
(Hey Rubes, if you’ve got any extra cash burnin’ a hole in your pocket, word is Probable Traitor Mike Flynn is setting up a fund for his own Holy-Shit-Am-I-Fucked legal defense. The first fifty donors to his kickstarter get to attend a dinner with his whackjob son, who will splatter you with saliva while raving about Pizzagate.)
And speaking of the Drone Army, it turns out only 45% of Drumpf voters believe that Shart, Jr. had a meeting with th’Russians…and this is after the dumb fuck not only admitted to the meeting but spent a week talking about nothing the meeting all day every day. After the whole fucking world spent the week talking about the meeting that everyone, even the administration, OBJECTIVELY AGREES TOOK PLACE.
I think I’m going into polling, just so I can sit down with these dipshits, and gape in horror as I uncover their beliefs. Expect results like: 41% of Drumpf voters aren’t willing to admit that horses exist, or, only 22% of Drumpkins believe that Lucky Charms are Magically Delicious, despite decades of scientific consensus.
Over the weekend, Scrotal Lawyer Jay Sekulow continued his policy of Making Ridiculous Shit Up in the Wild Hopes That Somebody, Somewhere Will Believe Him, saying “Hey, if Junior was treasoning so hard, why did the Secret Service let all those spies into the meeting, HUH?” The Secret Service, oddly less than eager to be implicated in a foreign power’s assault on American democracy, wasted no time in saying “Look, Fuck-O, Junior wasn’t under our protection and anyway it’s our job to protect these assholes, not to babysit them.”
By the way, Jay, if you want to make an enemy of the organization that has eyes and ears in all the rooms where your boy has been throwing tantrums and obstructing justice…I encourage you to proceed.
Kellyanne Conway took to the Sunday Shoz to praise her Bloat of a boss, for intervening to allow that Afghan girls’ robotics team into the country, even though it was his own hateful, fear-mongering, travel ban that blocked their entrance in the first place. It’s like she’s playing a little game, trying to see just how much ridiculous shit she can say on teevee without being involuntarily committed.
As amusing as it’s been watching this flock of rectums trip over themselves today, we must acknowledge that Team Shart continues to do serious damage to our great American experiment. Word is, Rex Tillerson wants to do away with State’s war crimes office, cuz hey, as long as we’re abdicating moral authority, what’re a few genocides between trade partners, amiright?
Oh, and I guess President Not-at-All-a-Russian-Agent is about to give Uncle Vlad his spy compounds back so he can get back to spying on us from the spy compounds we’re about to let him own and operate on American soil. Yay.
Anyway…shit remains absolutely nucking futz. And if it’s too much to handle, I recommend you take a few deep breaths, maybe pour a glass of wine…and spend the rest of your day laughing at Ann Coulter over her ongoing air travel meltdown. It’s Chicken Soup for the Resistor’s Soul.