American Madness Journal

I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line...

  Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod...

  Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here? Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when...

Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history....

  I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got...

  Apparently, there’s a manifestly unwell man in an ill-fitting suit wandering into and periodically storming out of New York City courtrooms, shitting himself and screeching threats at judges and prosecutors, who, I am told, is the frontrunner for the Republican...

Wait, step on another couple rakes before you go, Jim!

There once was a boy called Kevin McSomething, who ventured out into the world, looking to swap his soul for something shiny and hollow. The old witch who lived in the dumpster in back of the abandoned Blockbuster Video offered him half a pack of stale cookie dough...

Remember, this is the Republican Party when they’ve had plenty of time to prepare. A presidential primary debate. The impeachment hearing they’ve dreamt of since Biden first whooped their boy’s ass. As we gather here to gape at ineptitude that simply should not be...

  Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh...

  Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I...

  Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news: The GOP’s...

  Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and...

  Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes. Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted...

  Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And...

  Say, for such a young feller, this Biden kid’s got some chops. Yet another too-good-for-Fox-to-spin jobs report, on top of the nobody-gloat-till-the-vote-closes fleecing of poor Keville Chamberlain. Hey, House Republicans, if you’re wondering where Joe’s pants...

  Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there. Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging...

  John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving...

  Grossest week in a while, wasn’t it? Straight from the E. Jean Carroll verdict to the raw, human horror of that CNN town hall. Sharp drop. The judge in the Carroll case felt compelled to advise the jury to avoid publicly identifying themselves, as doing so...

Rich Lowry emerged, bloodied and barely alive, but beaming, from the deepest, darkest recesses of the Take Jungle, having been presumed forever lost in the dense underbrush of the DeSantis Can Still Pull This Thing Off, Dangit columns of the long-forgotten Republican...

поздравления, comrades! Operation Jade Helm VIII: Joy Buzzer succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings, and soon, we shall deliver these hapless “United States” into the tan suit-clad arms of our DEI hire and a mere assistant coach! Muah hah hah hah hee hee ho ho hah...

Life’s just one long Downfall parody down at Marm-a-Lago these days, for the craven creep cabal brought low by the devastating simplicity of those two humble syllables: “joy” and “weird.” Plus, the Chief Creep got ketchup all over the printout of that nude selfie Kim...

I’d like to dedicate this week’s blog to all those puritanical pundits out there, clutching their pearls to powder over the exuberant outpouring of couchfucker jokes from the rejuvenated American Left. Sure, JD Vance spends his entire professional life spreading...

I’d like to formally retract any despair I may’ve expressed, or even felt, during the debate/ear diaper doldrums of late June/early July 2024. If there’s one lesson I should’ve absorbed over the course of 7+ years spent chroniclin’ the manic minutiae of MAGA madness,...