American Madness Journal

Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations

Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations

  Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they...

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All Things Being Equal, I’d Rather Be the Jobs Guy

All Things Being Equal, I’d Rather Be the Jobs Guy

  Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moment’s fucking peace. Little shits. Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs...

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Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs

Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs

  Before we dive into the latest antics from Kevin’s kooky kakistocrats, let’s take a moment to remember the context: this is an audition, folks. This is the Republican Party putting its best foot forward. These are their church clothes, and this is their best...

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Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness

Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness

  Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women's health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into...

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Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake

Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake

  Watching Republicans take control of the House of Representatives has been like looking at TikTok videos where they give sea monkeys knives and meth. Which I hope isn’t a real thing. It’s fuckin’ nutty out there, is what I’m trying to say. Well, it took a...

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Welcome to Your New Life, Kevin McCarthy. No Refunds.

Welcome to Your New Life, Kevin McCarthy. No Refunds.

  We’ve seen some stupid, stupid shit together over the years, you and I, but this week…hoo boy. The Republican Party simply will not stop stabbing itself in the brain. God knows why. Just double fisting icepicks and gouging away. After squandering the most...

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What Took You So Long, George Santos?

What Took You So Long, George Santos?

  Well, the time has come to reflect upon the passing of another year. Doesn’t that sound fun? To relive every gem of Herschel Walkerian wisdom and Libs of TikTok bomb threat? Tár and Andor were pretty good, but my plan is to bang my head against the wall until I...

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Who Put the Fun in Non-Fungible Tokens?

Who Put the Fun in Non-Fungible Tokens?

  It’s been said there’s a sucker born every minute, though scientists currently estimate that number may be as high as 4.39. The question is, after three years of guzzling horse dewormer, how many are still alive to buy NFTs? Donald Trump is like some Dickensian...

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It Was a Lovely Constitution. A Shame We Had to Terminate It.

It Was a Lovely Constitution. A Shame We Had to Terminate It.

  It is with the heaviest of hearts I come to you from Donald Trump’s surprise second term. I’d hoped we’d avoid this scenario, what with that landslide election he lost, but I foolishly forgot about the self-destruct clause the founders wove into the...

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Kanye. Elon. Trump. Gosh, Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Kanye. Elon. Trump. Gosh, Where Did It All Go Wrong?

  I hope that like me, you’re still enjoying the hey-that-wasn’t-so-badness of the recent midterms, though of course there’s ample fuckery to discuss tonight. On the Right, it is a time of reflection. Or it would be, if anybody’s brain still worked over there....

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This Asshole Again

This Asshole Again

  Dunno about you, but I’m still riding high on last week’s wave of catharsis. Making sandwiches from leftover schadenfreude. Knocking ascendant American fascism on its ass gives one a warm, healthy glow, don’t you agree? I’m sure you enjoyed the steady trickle...

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More Songs About Cat Litter and Violence

More Songs About Cat Litter and Violence

  Hey folks, who wants to chuckle nervously as the clock ticks down to the batshittiest midterm election of our lifetime? Happening Here Bingo was a lot more fun back when everybody didn’t black out their card every single week. The Republican Candidate Refuses...

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The One Where the Guy Tries to Kill Nancy Pelosi With a Hammer

The One Where the Guy Tries to Kill Nancy Pelosi With a Hammer

  Well, the midterms’re just around the corner, and things’ve gone more or less apeshit. Welcome to election season in the madhouse; sure am glad everybody’s so heavily armed. So, turns out, when you spend a couple years driving folks violently insane with...

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Some Week, Huh, Herschel?

Some Week, Huh, Herschel?

  Fellow frogs, I know it’s nice n’ cozy here in the boiling water, but do you ever hop out of the pot for a minute, just to take it all in? It happened gradually, day by day, but our status quo got all sorts of fucked up, didn’t it? 31 different flavors of...

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The One With James Madison’s Flute

The One With James Madison’s Flute

  Friends, knowing what’s in store for you in the paragraphs to come….well, I hope you like white grievance, cuz you’re getting a heapin’ helpin’ of it tonight. The lunch lady is dispensing softboi whinging with an industrial-grade scoop this week. Plop. Plop....

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Why Isn’t the Mike Lindell Hardee’s a National Monument Yet?

Why Isn’t the Mike Lindell Hardee’s a National Monument Yet?

  Y’know, I think it’s perfect, actually, that we’re watching our stupid, stupid history unfold in fast food chain parking lots. We earned this. We cut zero corners constructing this madhouse. Holy shit, this country is sick in some genuinely strange ways. My...

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Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My!

Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My!

  Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod...

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Ghost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again

Ghost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again

  Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here? Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when...

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Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best

Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best

Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history....

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Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs

Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs

  I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got...

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