- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Sewage Dunk Tank With Ted Cruz Week is the Best Week
Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I was just thinking that after an entire year of soul-crushing quarantine, what I really needed was a prolonged period of even more intense isolation, ideally brought about by an extreme weather event, because my life wasn’t quite enough like a 10th grade creative writing assignment composed by a kid who’s really into Edgar Allan Poe and The Cure for my liking. However, now that I’ve ordered several axes and hatchets of varying sizes off Amazon, I feel much better. Come closer, my friend, let us discuss the news…
As expected, the Senate GOP rejected the gift-wrapped opportunity to purge their party of the fascist cancer they allowed to spread, unchecked, until their official logo morphed into an oozing, vaguely elephant-shaped tumor. They’ve been pretty smug about the whole thing, in a “you can’t MAKE me obey my oath, I’M in a CULT” sort of way, gloating over their little “you can’t impeach a former President for Very Serious Constitutional Reasons No I Won’t Show My Work” copout, so congratulations, I guess, on weaseling your way through another news cycle or two, but your party remains a radicalized, conspiracy-addled clump of increasingly violent losers, and considering your Neville Chamberlain Handbook has yielded predictable results at every turn, it would be really cool if you tried something different (may I recommend courage?) before the Civil War gets a sequel.
Still, the final vote was the most bipartisan in American history, and that ain’t nothin’. Seven Republicans voted to convict…pretty impressive, honestly. A testament to the excellent work of the House impeachment managers.
…but then Mitch McConnell decided that what the moment cried out for was a Mitch McConnell speech, an error he’s made with alarming frequency over the course of his insidious career. So, in the immediate aftermath of his feckless caucus’ latest refusal to defend the nation, Yertle delivered his jeremiad, on the topic of how Hairplug Himmler was indeed guilty of everything he stood accused of, while the entire fucking world screamed in perfect unison BITCH YOU JUST VOTED TO ACQUIT HIM.
Now, I’ve learned to tune Mitch’s sanctimony out, but this one was a bit hard to sit through. That mob that nearly tore you limb from limb? You built that, bro. Donald Trump never comes to power without Mitch McConnell first breaking Washington with the nefarious politics of Deliberately Inflicting Suffering on the American People Rather Than Allowing the Other Party to Help Them.
And now that he’s got his judges and his robber baron tax cuts, Wrinkly Gamera is ready to move on, as though his years of cynical, transactional enabling haven’t unleashed an army of frenzied brownshirts the rest of us have to deal with every goddamn day in our communities. Mr. Minority Leader, you of all men are not allowed to appropriate Resistance culture.
Of course the seven Republican Senators who took those first halting steps out of the primordial swamp of Trumpism (give ‘em a few hundred million years, they may evolve spines, and even walk erect) faced all kinds of arcane pagan excommunication rituals initiated by their home state parties.
Bonus points to whichever local MAGA archbishop anathematized Pat Toomey, for the demented honesty of his proclamation that “we did not send him there to do the right thing or whatever;” I think it’s useful to be frank about where everyone stands, though I’m unsure why you believe a Senator’s primary function is to help the world’s shittiest businessman commit crimes.
And did you see that fucking letter Adam Kinzinger got from his Blood Type KKKool-Aid family? Holy shit. I keep hearing about how much REALER than me these people are, that their experience is somehow more authentically American than mine, that their beliefs are nobler, purer, just flat-out bald eaglier than mine, but what they’re doing here is like if somebody in, say, October of 2001, got all up in your shit and started shrieking at you for refusing to take Bin Laden’s side.
Oh Adam, why can’t you be a dutiful death cult company man like Ron Johnson? RoJo doesn’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about that silly “Capitol riot,” why, that white supremacist lynch mob was barely even armed!
That’s a solid little gaslight from our Ron-Ron, actually. One hundred and forty law enforcement officers injured protecting YOUR plutocrat ass, one killed, two took their own lives, the whole ever-loving world has seen the video of YOUR party’s base crushing that dude in that door, (to say nothing of all the guns and bombs that were confiscated from that flock of walking rectums) and the move is “I can’t believe you’re still mad about the right-wing terrorist attack on Congress, are you some kind of sissy?”
…can I get a Blue Lives Matter chant goin’?
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis threatened to withhold the coronavirus vaccine from any uppity constituents with the temerity to question his murderous mismanagement, because when you elect Republicans, you don’t get government, you get cut-rate, strip mall warlords dispensing essential resources to cronies while anyone too poor to pay the bribe goes without. More on that momentarily.
I see Rush Limbaugh finally got around to holding up his end of that bargain he made at the crossroads on the Koch estate where the family hunts box chain retail workers for sport. What an abominable life.
As we marked his passing the way it deserved to be marked, with unapologetic, indeed deafening condemnation of his heinous life’s work, a handful of wingnut media elites half-heartedly waggled the finger of shame at us, as though we aren’t all standing in the wreckage of Limbaugh’s wettest dream made real. As though we will ever let them lecture us about anything ever again.
Anyway, Rush Limbaugh was a broken human being, and tragically, he never sought healing, he just wanted to break other people in the same fashion; even more tragically, he was really good at that. He’s dead now, mourned only by those whose souls he successfully warped with the poison of his boundless hatred. Would that he had never been born.
So, this week, Texas got a lethal lesson in the perils of actually allowing the gang of oligarchs and lunatics that make up the modern Republican Party to run your society.
You see, in the holy name of Freedumb and Makin’ Rich Folks Richer, the state’s energy grid was not only caught, pants-around-ankles, balls-deep-in-a-sheep unprepared for the winter storm that hit, but the system turned out to be completely independent, (to keep the deep state from regulating away so much as a nickel from the benevolent oil tycoon overlords, you see) so when the shit hit the fan and people started dying, it was literally impossible for the rest of the country to step in and help. That’s the system they set up. On purpose.
Now, after four years under Donald Trump’s autocrat thug learning tree, Texas Republicans know how to handle a catastrophe of their own making, and they sprang into action with impressive speed. No, not to fix the problem, are you fucking high? They leapt like greased lightning…straight onto cable news, pinning their failures on a predictable mishmash of time-tested gibberish buzzwords: Wind Turbines! Green New Deal! AOC WANTS TO REPLACE YOUR LIGHT BULBS WITH VEGAN CANCEL CULTUUUUUUUUUUURE!!!!!
But while Governor Greg Abbott busied himself manufacturing ass-covering propaganda, millions suffered for his folly. We’re talking about people without heat in below freezing temperatures. People without drinkable water. In the United States of America. In 2021. Shit like this should not be possible in a nation this advanced and prosperous. But the modern Republican Party exists solely to funnel wealth to their donor class, and if that means periodically setting a few million folks’ standard of living back a century or two, so fucking be it.
One Texas mayor threw a truly majestic wingnut shitfit, incensed that the peasants would dare claim the right to any indoor plumbing they hadn’t hunted and killed personally, and frankly, if you haven’t already chopped grandma up for firewood, you deserve to fucking freeze to death.
I see people who are this far gone, this hopelessly perverted by right-wing culture, and I just want to ask, what does this DO for you? What do you get out of it, beyond an inescapable rage that ruins your every waking moment, and the accompanying inability to exist peacefully in society? The latest version of the Contract with America reads simply, “we will take this great nation from superpower to shithole, but don’t worry, we’ll feed you a never-ending supply of made-up bullshit to be scared of.” I just don’t get it.
And speaking of not getting it…Ted Cruz, hot off his smash hit appearance before the rabid mob that attempted to murder his colleagues, looked out upon the crisis besieging the people he is literally paid to serve, and saw in it an apparently irresistible opportunity to drive a steamroller over his own ballsack, repeatedly, for what felt like nineteen months.
It’s the simplicity of the scandal that makes it so devastating: while Texans froze to death, Senator Cruz figured that sticking around to help would be annoying, so he whisked his family off to an expensive getaway in beautiful Cancún, Mexico, to ride out those irritating days when he would otherwise be inundated with calls from the plebs, begging for their worthless lives.
Poor Tedward forgot he doesn’t have a certain Velveeta Vulgarian’s scandal-cannon Twitter feed to change the subject and bail him out anymore. Far from it, Thursday was one of the slowest news days in a good long while, and there was little else to do but watch him step, with miraculous precision, on every single rake in the known universe, one after the other.
The Shittier of the Senate’s Rafaels* started by throwing his own children under the bus, (say hi to mom and grandpa, kids!) only to get swiftly ensnared in a lie there, so he shit on his own family for nothing, demonstrating the masterful communication and decision-making skills of the future President he somehow sees in the mirror every morning, squinting insincerely behind that shitty, shitty beard.
Somebody even leaked his wife’s group texts to the press, blowing to smithereens any hope of a politically acceptable cover story, which is the sort of thing one simply has to learn to live with, when one is among the vilest human beings alive.
Seems Ted commandeered Houston PD officers to escort his feudal lord ass through the airport, which is fine, not like they had anything else to do. If you weren’t already boiling with rage at this pompous elitist’s disdain for the people who pay his salary, CNN published this helpful article documenting all the various times he unleashed that aggravating faux preacher’s lilt of his on…politicians who went on vacation during crises. Fuckhead couldn’t even navigate a couple of softball TV interviews without digging himself a couple miles deeper.
Oh, and the whole time, Beto O’Rourke kept working his ass off, doing the very job Ted was so desperate to flee.
Basically, all Ted Cruz’s dreams died this week, and he responded by just rubbing shit all over his face, for like, hours and hours and hours. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
As funny as Ted’s troubles are, I don’t want to move on from the Texas story without taking the following dump in your cornflakes: America in 2021 is a nation that requires fact-checking outlets to debunk the claim that President Biden used his magical weather controlling powers to inflict the devastating winter storm on the Lone Star State, presumably as punishment for resisting his satan worshipping and child trafficking and what have you. Sleep tight.
(Anyway, Texas should definitely secede, you’ll do great, you’re certainly nothing at all like the child who runs away from home only to crawl into a sewer chasing after the very first clown that beckons.)
Meanwhile, the Biden Administration keeps pulling all this weird, weird crap…it’s almost like they’re wielding the power of the executive branch to help people, and to make America stronger, what the shit is that about?
There’s a big immigration reform bill, for starters, not to mention the jettisoning of the last fella’s Pay Me or Eat Shit Doctrine on the foreign policy front. We’re back in the Paris climate agreement, y’all! Back in the international battle against COVID-19! Strengthening NATO rather than dismantling it in a vain attempt to get Putin to return our text messages! If Smilin’ Joe hasn’t said, “There’s a new sheriff town!” out loud at least half a dozen times by now, I admire his restraint.
And oh yeah, that $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus bill just keeps chuggin’ along, workin’ its way through the reconciliation process, stopping periodically to wave at Senate Republicans, seething on the sidelines that their bad faith delaying tactics no longer work.
Ok, that’s enough, I think. Sorry to interrupt, I know you were busy laughing at Ted Cruz, so I’ll let you get back to that. Stay safe out there, friends.
*This gag works out loud, I swear it does.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Another good one tonight, Cap.
This one, though, “you’re certainly nothing at all like the child who runs away from home only to crawl into a sewer chasing after the very first clown that beckons” gave me literal shudders…and clowns don’t even scare me (ok, except for the ones in my Legislature–and, yes, I was born and raised in Texas, may the Goddess have mercy on my soul).
Keep up the good work.
I love you❤️
Most excellent blog, Cap! We had just come off three days and nights with no power in NC and freezing our asses off in the house when the SHTF in Texas. We had water, food that didn’t have to be cooked, plenty of blankets and clothing. I looked at everything I could find on the situation in Texas and thought to myself, ” What a whiny-assed little crybaby YOU are!” It led to multiple donations to several organizations down there trying to save people, and to much stinkeye towards their Resuckligoons. Did you know Crud left his dog at home? What a dick. Hillary gets top comment on that one, never vote for anyone you wouldn’t leave your dog with. And that excuse for a governor, blaming everything on solar and wind power and blah blah blah. When the state runs 80-90% on fossil fuel??????? Sheyeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzee! OH and BTW, I looked up all the info AFTER the power came back on, of course. And there’s definitely a new sheriff in town. And of course, he’s too much a class act to say so. So we can say it for him! Much love and stay safe out there!
Another breathlessly awaited masterpiece! But please spell Tez Crud’s name correctly. That’s the one who dived under his own bus.
I love you Shower Cap. You deliver the shittiest of news with the humor and snark necessary to maintain a modicum sanity in this fucked up world. Please never stop writing.
Thank you again for keeping us laughing in this crazy world.
Very good blog tonight!
Thanks, Cap for all you do. Could you please put some instructions on the “Buy Cap a Beer” page for the technically challenged and those obviously not-up-to-date on whatever this is. ApplePay I understand, PayPal I understand but what is this? I know, hard to believe anyone can be that ignorant. My apologies. Again, thanks for your work.
Me too! I wish there was a place to enter a credit card number, or an option for the technological nitwits among us. I’d love to buy you a beer IRL if you ever end up out here on the left coast!
“…flat out bald eaglier…” Nobody says it better than our beloved Shower Cap. Grateful to have electricity, water and heat again. Thank you from a Beto voter in Texas.
“Bald Eaglier” : genius! Eloquent paragraphs about Rush the Revolting also… May he rot in hell for the considerable damage he has done to our democracy over his worthless lifetime.
Hell ? You know what St. Peter said ‘ Don’t rush Rush ; you’re not getting in ‘.
Amen to that!
You are the best! I got so many giggles out of this one. As for Teddy Cruz, the thing that continues to boggle my mind is the stunning lack of self-awareness, the inability to “play the tape through”, as my stepdaughter likes to say. And it’s not only Cruz. So many of the Repukelicans (like the above-mentioned mayor) say and do the stupidest shit imaginable and then seem surprised when it bites them in the ass. I can’t even.
Rock on, Cap, you are a treasured gift.
Thank you for another fun episode of landing blows to the deplorable R’s…. If we couldn’t laugh we would cry these past four years … Am afraid, they will keep us on our toes, these basturds for many more years .
Wish I could use Paypal to send you some beer? sorry, Cash app is like Bitcoin – i don’t get it.
Meanwhile, AOC raises $2 million on social media to help people in a red state. It’s almost like Democrats wan to help everyone. Weird.
Thanks Cap. Another beautiful rant. Like you I “just don’t get it” either, but I so appreciate your words and thoughts. Not so worried about staying sane anymore, but still need your well turned words and thoughts to help see things in their proper perspective.
Hey, Cap, you forgot to mention that our new sheriff released the funds for Puerto Rico. Yeah, I know the list of accomplishments was already long for a guy who has been in office less than two months (!), but that one’s kind of a biggee. Anyway, thanks as always for your words of hilarious wisdom. Stay well.
Excellent as usual Cap.
Hi, Cap! Looks like I wasn’t the only one who loves “bald eaglier”!
I want to join the crowd asking for an easy way to buy you a beer or 12. Pay Pal? Credit card? Patron?
Thanks & have a great weekend!
I am cheered by the thought that while in the agony of stage 4 lung cancer, where every breath is a step thru Hell while choking in phlegm, RL’s oncologist may have been reluctant to prescribe painkillers for fear of review and censure by his medical board for prescribing narcotics to a known abuser. That’s my fantasy anyway.
And history will remember him as {Moscow’s Bitch McConnell}
Once again Cap, you’ve captured the week in spades. I will say though, that even though the Orange Butt Pustule is gone, the GOP/QOP continues it’s wrathful destruction of our Democracy. Sooooooooo, methinks you’re required to resume twice weekly blog posts…there’s just too much shit going on for a single edition. As far as the G/Q-base, I’ve never understood why these slackjawed mouthbreathers vote against their own best interests…boggles me, but I guess you can’t fix stupid! So thanks for this weeks edition, and keep up the fine work in the meantime!
After the “battle” that killed five and returned to it’s Hotel to eat and get some sleep ,dammit ! I was gifted an idea I’ll share with you glorious readers. I’m going to send this idea to various folks to try to generate some interest. Faux Nuze has been spreading misinformation and outright lies for years. Easy to document, it’s all on film. I’d like to see Law Classes in half a dozen (more if it might catch on) Colleges begin to put together a class action law suit ( United States vs.) Fox News , Rupert Murdoch , other miscellaneous Murdoch’s and etc. for brainwashing the public with lies , misinformation , and innuendo designed to mislead people into believing same. “Brainwashing ” and forced mind control if you will. Compiling the info would take some time and should offer many Law Students to see first hand how Ailes ,Stone , Nixon , Atwater etc. etc. did it ! They were VERY successful in realizing how many stupid , gullible people there are and exploited it to the fullest. Funding by the Kock Bruthas et. al. This could be the most informative Law Suit since I sued the fucking neighbor for being an asshole AND WON !! Next week , I’ll explain how ya do it ! Cappy , if you ever quit this job The entire world would mourn. DON’T DO IT !!
Great blog! Of course I read “escort his feudal lord ass” as LARD ASS, but 1) could be feudal-lord lard ass and 2) to be strictly accurate, he carries his lard in his belly. Speaking of another lard belly, thank goodness, our governor did not fall for that “fly the flag at half staff ” to honor the hate bigot, rest in piss.
Anyway, thank you, Cap! We love you!
“AOC WANTS TO REPLACE YOUR LIGHT BULBS WITH VEGAN CANCEL CULTUUUUUUUUUUURE!!!!!”
Please blame me for the cancel culture Apocalypse in Texas. Being a hippie dippy libtard who has supported windmills and a solar-hydrogen economy, I am responsible. I should have been even more angry, and have opposed even more, the Fossil Fuel Crime Syndicates and their poisonous policies. They are destroying the planet and seem to be starting with Texas.
I also apologize for not believing that the QAnon fascist KKK Death Cult 45, supported by the Republican Party, would invade the US Capitol to assassinate elected officials. I did not believe the Republicans, especially Moscow Mitch, would sabotage public health and deliberately promote and create an uncontrolled nation-wide epidemic, with 500k dead. And I wrongly thought that the QAnon Caucus with Greene and Boebert and others were merely amusing. Boebert aided and abetted the attempted assassination of Nancy Pelosi. Boebert did try to smuggle a firearm perhaps to finish what she started on Jan. 6. Assume the worst from these terrorists, especially Boebert who is insane. Political Assassinations have kept Putin and the world-wide Plutocracy in Power.
I SO look forward to this blog every week. Your paragraph on people “hopelessly perverted by right-wing culture” is just priceless. After I read your work I can’t stop laughing for two days. Would buy you a beer but I can’t figure it out. Paypal?
Mitch first makes sure trump’s impeachment trial takes place AFTER he was out of office, then Mitch doesn’t vote to impeach because an ex president can’t be impeached or so he says, then comes his speech about how guilty and complicit trump was in instigating the Capitol riots. You can’t make this shit up. Yet compared to the many republican nut jobs in congress Mitch is still able to come off as somewhat logical.
I don’t know how much more of this lunacy I can take.
Hey don’t worry Cap
lying here in a caravan in northern England
Following your blogs assiduously and admiring your humungous cosplay outfit
have to get into my own Spiderman outfit before I can truly appreciate your words of wisdom
As for the rest – fuck em all
Twats to a man and woman
I thought this blog was especially good, but then the republicans did give you a lot of material to work with. It was a great week, what with Rush finally dying and Ted Cruz stepping on one rake after another. I’d heard about the amazing powers the republicans believe Biden has to control weather. Of course they don’t believe in climate change – it all makes sense now.
I like words, and I think I have a vocabulary somewhat larger than the average bear, but you got me twice in this blog: Jeremiad (great word to know) and anathmatized (which I thought at first was anathema, but it’s not). I wonder how you came to be so erudite?