I’m feelin’ nostalgic tonight, Shower Captives. I’m thinking about those bygone times when you could go days, weeks even, without paying attention to the news. Those were the goddamn wonder years, weren’t they? Morgan Freeman narrated ‘em, but he didn’t talk all that much, cuz we didn’t need hourly updates on whether or not the Sphincter Volcano occupying the White House had blown up the world.

And if you wanna get back to those days, you know we need to notch some wins in the 2018 midterm elections.  Click on over to Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms for all kinds of info on the battlegrounds.  Pick out a candidate or two to adopt.  Pitch in.  Let’s get our country back on track.

So.  Th’news.

Let’s start with a story that is almost too jackhammer-to-the-temples stupid to be believed, yet simultaneously the Single Most Trumpian Thing of All Time. Of course I’m referring to the recently-unearthed Shart House meeting between Weehands McNodick and a group of veterans organizations, seeking potentially life-saving policy changes.

Did these veterans walk away with the changes they sought? Of course not. Did they even find a respectful, sympathetic, ear in their President? Don’t be silly. Instead, the men and women who gave so much to serve their country were treated to a lengthy debate on whether it was Agent Orange or napalm Robert Duvall was talking about in that one scene in Apocalypse Now. Thanks for your service, right?

If you’re reading this in some far-flung future, I assure you, despite your instincts, this is really a thing that happened, in real life, and not an example of the news-spoof satirical style that was popular in the early 21st century. Presumably, you’re trying to pinpoint key moments in the decline of human civilization…well…”eureka.”

(The detail that really puts the cherry on top of the atrocity sundae here is Shart Garfunkel being completely wrong about one of the most famous quotes in film history.)

Hey, speaking of Apocalypse Now, I guess Erik Prince wants to be the literal “Viceroy” of Afghanistan, commanding a private army, all while rolling around in the pallets of cash shipped over regularly by the U.S. government, WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Anyway, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who’s too dumb to even order a goddamn steak, seems to think this a great idea. The horror…the HORROR.

Elliott Broidy finds himself under federal investigation for selling his influence with his ol’ chum Don the Con. Seems like a good time to remind everyone that Broidy, along with serial sex criminal Steve Wynn, and all-around-thug Michael Cohen, made up the RNC’s Finance team leadership, so yeah, one of our two major political parties is basically a criminal enterprise run by known criminals, but we can still get a gymful of rubes in Sheboygan to chant “drain the swamp” because this is Hell.

So, intelligence officials are notoriously non-political, during and after their service. This is, of course, for the very good reason that their work is so important that it must transcend partisan squabbling, and with the exception of that time Leon Panetta had a post office blown up rather than see it renamed after a former colleague who owed him 50 bucks from a Super Bowl bet, this unwritten rule has held as long as I can remember.

So when this all-star team, basically the Traveling Wilburys of the IC, writes an open letter saying “Look, there is some deeply un-American fuckery goin’ on with this Trump kid, and he needs to cut it the fuck out,” we should listen. Is all I’m sayin’.

Kevin McCarthy blew the lid off the Deep Dish State’s sinister conspiracy to silence conservative speech by making Kevin McCarthy too fucking stupid to understand his own account settings. This dude is in House LEADERSHIP, y’all. You’re starting to understand why they can’t pass any legislation, aren’t you? Actually, you’re probably wondering how these clowns don’t lock themselves in the damn bathroom all the time.

Joke’s on you. They removed the knob during the Gingrich years. CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!

Man, what in the blue hell is going on with Rand Paul? He used to be a man of many interests! Showboating, grandstanding, wasting Congress’ time on useless symbolic votes, getting punched…now he’s laser-focused on just one thing: representing our ol’ buddy Vlad Putin’s interests. Rand, who used to be isolationist by 19th-century standards, suddenly wants to lift all sorts of sanctions on the country that ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES in 2016. Anyhow, I’m sure the most self-righteous Senator this side of Ted Cruz just changed his mind, and there’s no kompromat whatsoever involved

Little Georgie Papaderpaderp’s sentencing is coming up, and the Bobadook has recommended a light spanking for the naughty boy. Honestly, in the end, I dunno if George will merit more than a passing cameo in the epic Oliver Stone film of these stupid, stupid, times. A couple generations ago, it would’ve been a nice little part for Sal Mineo.

An article in the Failing New York Times revealed that White House counsel Don McGahn gave 30 hours worth of interviews to Team Mueller, all with President Crotchvoid’s giddy-if-clueless blessing. Oh, and he may have done so to avoid being tossed under the bus by his shitsack boss.

Hilariously, Fat Q*Bert doesn’t seem to have understood the consequences of allowing McGahn to speak to Mueller until he read the abovementioned article in the Failing New York Times. Lord. Even after after two years’ worth of steady evidence of the man’s mental shortcomings, I confess I’m stunned that he’s really THAT dumb.

By now I’m sure you’ve heard about Rudy Giuliani’s famous “truth isn’t truth” line, but what the LAMESTREAM MEDIA won’t tell you is that before Chuck Todd so rudely interrupted him, Rudy was just about to launch into an epic poem of his own composing, a modern-day take on Ode on a Grecian Urn; “Donald is truth, truth, Donald…that is all ye know on earth and everything else is a witch hunt, SAD!”

Do I need to cover the fucking tweets? Maybe I should just cut and paste the same paragraph into every single blog post from here on out. Something like, “The President of the United States, who spends every waking moment in mortal terror of law enforcement drawing ever closer to holding him accountable for his many crimes, shit his pants, grabbed his phone, and screeched some rage-and-lie-filled garbage into the void, in a desperate, futile, attempt to slow his black, racing, heart for a fleeting moment, until General Kelly changed his diaper and spoon-fed him some ice cream spiked with horse tranquilizers, and then he wandered off to golf.”

Pajama-Clad Self-Own Factory Blake Farenthold is doing all he can to combat his image as an abusive sexual predator. That’s not fair, proclaimeth Blake! I’m ALSO a whiny brat who can’t take responsibility for my actions AND a totally unethical, self-serving, crook AND just a general dirtbag who talks like a denizen of Jim Jordan’s locker room.

Sign of the times: a Shart House employee was fired last week once his ties to white supremacist organizations surfaced, and you totally had to check the date on the article, because you weren’t sure if was a new guy, or one of the other high-ranking executive branch officials fired for associating with white supremacists. Didn’t you? I sure did.

Former Governor/Progenitor of the Subpar Mike Huckabee keeps workin’ on his stand-up set, but every punchline is “Mike Huckabee is racist trash,” and you’ll only laugh if you find hatred amusing. He’s knockin’ ‘em dead on the Klan rally circuit.

Rumor has it that th’Feds are preparing charges against Michael Cohen, and they could be announced by the end of the month. I guess they found something in that raid, but what? Tax fraud? Campaign finance violations? Spray-painting “Mikey + Donny 4-Ever” on public property? Anyway, you know Cohen’s full-time job these days is digging up every little bit of dirt on his old boss that he can think of to swap to prosecutors for leniency, and that thought brings a nasty little grin to my face.

…does anyone else imagine Cohen and Manafort swapping letters, or maybe texts, lamenting that they’d almost certainly have gotten away with their lifetimes of crime, and retired happily on the ill-gotten fruits, had Donald Trump never run for President?  That makes me smile, too.

Need a laugh? ABC published this lil’ thing about how Dr. Ben Carson’s reputation has been shredded and shit on due to his association with Tangerine Idi Amin. Don’t worry Ben, they’re using that spot where your portrait used to hang to store grain.

Oh Scott Pruitt, I just can’t quit you! Yeah, Scotty’s back in the news today, since apparently he only used his $43,000 James-Bond-for-dipshits soundproof booth ONCE during his entire tenure, for ONE five-minute phone call. Yeah, yeah, nice catch, you fancypants watchdogs! But Scotty used that booth for a whole lot more than phone calls, which you’d know by now if you’d looked at it under a black light.

I see President Shartcannon has fully internalized the idea of an interview with Mueller being a “perjury trap.” I know we hear those words a lot these days, but everybody please take ten steps back and recall that an under-oath interview with law enforcement is only a “perjury trap” if you intend to lie. “Perjury” is just a fancy word for “lying.”  Not even that fancy, to be perfectly honest.

And now he’s congratulating an American citizen of Latino heritage for speaking “perfect English” and talking about how he thinks he has the authority to head up the investigation into…himself?

A few paragraphs back, I think I said something about not believing Drumpfy was really THAT dumb? I take it back.

Fuck. Just reading the news makes ME dumber. It’s Flowers for Algernon in reverse. Maybe in two years we can get the country back on track and I can devote my mental energy to higher pursuits again. Or even lower ones. Fuck, I miss baseball.  Though the case can be made that this whole shitshow started when my beloved Cubs turned reality inside out, so…

Anyhow, thanks for readin’, and I’ll see y’all soon.