Hey hey, Shower Captives! We’re gonna play a little game with today’s blog. Without scrolling ahead, see if you can guess how many different stories of the GOP’s increasingly inhumane racism/bigotry/unashamed open white supremacy appear in this round-up, which picks up the news late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. A special Shower Cap prize awaits those who guess correctly!

But before we dive into that particular lemon-juice-and-broken-glass-filled pool, let’s recap the historic collision of two of history’s biggest, smelliest, sloppiest turds in Singapore.

Now, I’ve never read The Shart of the Deal, but I bet I can reverse-engineer the main points, having observed the artist at work:

1. Openly proclaim that you have done no preparation whatsoever, to pave the way for…
2. Accepting the first offer you get, which is actually a step backwards from previous agreements, plus…
3. Unilaterally offer your negotiating partner long-sought concessions, in exchange for a fat plateful of jack shit, but…
4. Claim they promised a whole lot more, but be careful not to get that in writing, then…
5. Hold out your hand expectantly in front of the Nobel people.

Basically, he swapped joint military exercises with South Korea (without telling them first, of course…allies are an obstacle when all you’re seeking is aggrandizement) for a less-specific version of the same empty bullshit promises these murderous thugs have been making for decades, and now he’s strutting around like history’s greatest peacemaker. It’s like if Neville Chamberlain were a professional wrestler.

Pushing this over line from merely embarrassing into Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office-Sweet-Jesus-I-Can’t-Even-Watch territory, President Groinrot seems to have gotten the idea to suspend military exercises from Putin, so honestly why don’t we just let Vlad move into the goddamn West Wing? Melania would be happier, and I’m sure it’d be more efficient.

While President Buttfungus sends his stooges out to condemn the leaders of our most faithful allies to eternal damnation, he praises the mass-murdering dictator of a literal hell-on-earth like he’s Joe Buck describing Clayton Kershaw. “He’s so funny, and smart, and he’s like, an abnormally good foosball player, he almost got me to put Hawaii on the line in a foosball game, the lil’ hustler. And his ass! It’s like Ivanka’s, when she was 17! I just want to bite it!”

And Kim Jong-un can’t believe his fucking luck. The candles on his birthday cake must have been magic this year! After all, they were made of tallow rendered from the bodies of North Koreans who were WORKED TO DEATH IN HIS SLAVE LABOR CAMPS AND NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR PRESIDENT FELLATE THIS DIME STORE POL POT BECAUSE HE’S LATCHED ONTO THE IDEA THAT THIS WILL MAKE HIM BETTER THAN OBAMA.

FUCK.

Anyway, Kim went home to brag about pwning America so hard, Mike Pompeo’s throwing tantrums insisting the signed agreement says things that it quite objectively does not say, and the Candycorn Skidmark himself has proclaimed he ended the North Korean nuclear threat despite leaving the regime in possession of all those nuclear weapons, which is a bit like claiming you’ve ended Phil Collins’ threat to Motown when his whiter-than-Tucker-Carlson’s-ass covers album is clearly still streaming on Amazon Prime, to detriment of all mankind.

So yeah, basically sound and fury, signifying fuckall. At least we were treated to a spectacularly awful propaganda video that I think we all know Stephen Miller put together on his phone in those spare hours he’s long since abandoned any hope of filling with human companionship.

Devin Nunes, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has had enough of your shit! The Deputy Attorney General (Yes, that spells DAG, yo.) reminded Devin that if he and his team of treasonous collaborators went through with their pathetic contempt of Congress political stunt, he could subpoena the shit out of their communications, and if that’s what y’all want, that’s what we’ll do. By the by, I call on y’all to investigate your own leaky-ass crooked staffs, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Nunes, clearly nervous as his inevitable day of reckoning drew ever closer, ordered his staff to draft legislation allowing federal inmates conjugal visits from pigs, can’t imagine why.

A senior official at Justice decided to teach the hypocrites on the right what “pro-life” ought to mean, resigning after Jeff Sessions unveiled his bold new “The Constitution clearly states that we must thin the herd by denying healthcare to those with preexisting conditions” stance. Lemme just say I am disappointed with the relatively small number of “You want me to WHAT? Oh HELL no!” resignations under this assclown regime.

And I see Bob Corker’s been cosplaying as his favorite fictional character, “Brave, Principled Bob Corker” from a magical make-believe land where the Republican Party stands for something other than “Hating Whoever Our Pumpkin Spice God Emperor Tells Us to Hate.”

Gosh, I’m just in awe of Corker’s bravery, aren’t you? Watching him boldly Speak Truth to Power™️ mere weeks before he flees electoral politics forever to enjoy the fruits of the personalized kickback he weaseled into the tax bill? Bob’s no different that Boss Shart himself; he wants to claim to credit for resisting without putting in the work. I say let’s give Bob’s job to Phil Bredesen.

Well, it seems the Shart Administration has finally realized they have a problem with their Tear-Children-From-Their-Parents’-Arms policy, and that problem is…they’re running out space! Not “Holy fucking shit, we are demons in human form doing evil work,” but “We have detained so many children we have run out of space to store them.” A human being with a soul might look at that situation and reflect, “Hmmm…maybe we could try being a little less evil,” but our governing kakistocrats figured, “Fuck it, let’s open up some ‘tent cities’ and fill ‘em with kids!”

(This space left blank to allow the reader to weep.)

So anyway, if anybody reading this knows Kim Kardashian, could you maybe call her up and see if there’s any way she could develop a hobby interest in the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WANTS TO OPEN ON AMERICAN SOIL?

I see Scott Pruitt’s wife finally found a job, that should free up some man-hours over at the EPA. Maybe they’ll finally have time to protect the environment a little bit HAHAHAHAHAHA BREATHABLE AIR IS FOR CUUUUUUUUCKS.

In a procedural filing to lock down some evidence, Rugged Robert Mueller casually reminded everybody that the fuckery he’s investigating isn’t all past tense, that Russians are still grabassing around in our elections, and oh yeah, the President and his party refuse to defend the nation from foreign attack, because they benefit from it, and isn’t it just swell that this is a fact of life in American nowadays? “Oh right! We’re governed by traitors! Anyhoo, is the Big Bang Theory on tonight?”

Brad Parscale, who you should follow if you’ve ever wondered “What would Goebbels’ Twitter feed look like?” thinks Jim Acosta should have his press credentials revoked for the crime, nay, SIN of…asking the President a question. Parscale’s the kind of Drumpf lackey that probably keeps a journal just to scribble down ideas for the experiments he wants to conduct on the inmates once he gets his own gulag.

I’d like to take a moment to thank Mark Sanford, for providing valuable, conclusive research on the gap between the Republican base’s professed values and their actual ones. Sanford, you’ll recall, while serving as Governor of South Carolina, abandoned his post, leaving his constituents without a Governor, to fly to Argentina to cheat on his wife, and of course lied about it. None of that was enough to prevent the fine upstanding “Christian” conservatives of South Carolina from electing him to serve multiple terms representing them in the U.S. House of Representatives.

But daring to criticize the Velveeta Vulgarian for his many ethical shortcomings? You go to far, sir! GLOVE SLAP! The White Supremacist Rage Cult the GOP has become will brook no apostates! The only value is Trump, and I expect to see a corresponding surge in the production of orange-colored stained glass before the year is out.

Nobody’s enjoying the Drumpf era more than Iowa’s Steve King, who’s really let his hair down lately, and by “hair” I mean “Klan robe.” Steve-O is now merrily retweeting the Nazi musings of a British Nazi, as if to say “Hey, look at this Nazi! Aren’t his Nazi ideas great, and shouldn’t we be more like this Nazi?” and can I just say that having a sitting U.S. Congressman promoting open Nazism on Twitter is…somewhat less than Bangarang.

In a truly epic act of bothsidesism, the GOP base decided that Virginia should also be for haters, nominating white supremacist fuckhead Corey Stewart to challenge the Dean of Dad Jokes himself, Tim Kaine, for a U.S. Senate seat. While Stewart is a genuinely vile human being, I confess it’s funny as hell watching the media squirm to find “fair” descriptors, ranging from “confederate statue defender” and “white nationalist sympathizer” to “conservative firebrand.”

Lemme help y’all out. If you’re looking for a word to describe a man whose campaign in 90% about traitor statues, and who pals around with Jason “I am a White Nationalist” Kessler, why not just say “asshole?” “An Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.” THERE, I FIXED YOUR HEADLINE. If you have a little more space to fill, maybe “An Ass-Backward, Hood-Wearing, Diarrhea-Belching, Black-Hearted, Colon-Huffing, Piece of Absolute Racist Trash Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.”

By the way, President Klanrobewedgie wasted no time in endorsing this flaming pile of mule excrement, so it’s probably time for another round of think pieces on whether or not it’s fair to describe our President as “racist.”

Also, Nevada Republicans nominated a pimp for a House seat, YES AN ACTUAL PIMP, so, y’know…family valyooz and all that.

Oh, and everybody say hi to Seth Grossman, Republican candidate in the open New Jersey 2nd, who has some thoughts on diversity, and SPOILERZ, those thoughts are super duper racist with white privilege sprinkles on top. Grossman remembers the good ol’ days when no matter the color of your skin, you were judged only by your qualifications, so long as your skin was white. If you’d like to donate to Jeff Van Drew, the Democratic candidate for this seat who is not an unapologetic shitsack, click here.

Tuesday night was much kinder to the blue team, as we emerged with another strong slate of candidates to challenge the Howler Monkey Meth Den across the aisle for control of the House, the Senate, and all life on Earth, prolly.

On that topic, big congrats to Jacky Rosen for makin’ it official in Nevada! Toss Jacky a buck or two if you can spare it, because sending Dean Heller to the private sector would be a big boost to Operation: Stop Mitch McConnell From Packing the Courts with Fuckweasels.

And another big state-level pickup, a Wisconsin senate seat, in a district that chose Poo by a 17-point margin in 2016, despite Governor Scott Walker’s passionate efforts to thwart democracy in his state.

Before we move on, meet Angus King’s Republican challenger in Maine, Eric Brakey! He’s certainly…enthusiastic.

At this point in the Broadway musical adaptation of this shitshow, Michael Cohen stumbles out on stage, dazed, disheveled, and disbelieving, to deliver a soliloquy song about his fall from the heady days of peddling 6-figure influence contracts to anybody dumb enough to accept them, to sitting alone in his apartment with whatever possessions the FBI didn’t confiscate, waiting to be arrested. Javert meets Jersey Boys.

Oh, and Mickey Dead Eyes’ lawyers are quitting. I’m sure it’s just cuz they think the case will be too easy and they’re only interested in challenges at this stage in their careers because they’re plucky and have something to prove and not because you’re guilty as shit and deeeeeeeeeeeeply fucked, Michael. Don’t worry.

Anyway, everybody’s wondering, will Cohen flip? Does this chintzy GoodFellas knock-off have the goods to take down the most powerful man on the planet? Will he run into state-level charges that the Tangelo Taint Tumor can’t pardon? Are there any underpants in his apartment than remain unshit*-in?

Foreign Policy (the magazine, not the Thing the Government is Supposed to Do) introduces us to Mari Stull, a Shart Administration apparatchik dutifully snooping around the U.N. and State Department in search of the insufficiently loyal. If this seems like rank political hackery at the expense of much-needed experience and competence, don’t worry, Stull is totally qualified for this gig; she used to be a wine blogger.

A wine blogger? Fuck. That’s like getting your political news from a lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe and a luchador mask.

Late breaking news says Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is planning on leaving her job as Chief Propaganda Minister to spend more time burning books and murdering puppies. So is her shitty little sidekick, Raj Shah. Anyway, the next press secretary will a be puppet that was fired from the Muppets for raping another puppet.

That’s all I’ve got tonight, friends.  By my count, there were FIVE different stories about Republican racism in this one blog, but I totally fucking lied about giving you a prize. The prize was an entirely illusory promise. If it’s good enough for the President of the United States, it’s good enough for you. But I promise to completely denuclearize this blog really soon.

*Unshat? I’ve been drinking.