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Holy hell. It’s scary, how organized these fucks were.

They’ll learn from their mistakes and do better, if we let them run wild. https://t.co/47uggsFifN

Marjorie Taylor Greene Week Leaves Me Longing For Infrastructure Week’s Simple Incompetence

Friday, January 29th, 2021

 

I almost hesitate to yank away the warm, fuzzy blanket of Biden-y normalcy, but shit remains deeply cray. In fact, we’re witnessing a disturbing number of (admittedly weak-minded) public officials carefully, deliberately choosing the crayest available options from a buffet well-stocked with sane alternatives, and while I appreciate that cult deprogramming is difficult, just…just give us a fuckin’ break, man.

About nineteen seconds after I got last week’s post up, news broke of YET ANOTHER criminal attempt by then-President Gas Station Urinal Cake to overturn the 2020 election and seize power as a dictator. This one involved some cut-rate DoJ stooge bureaucrat* called Jeffrey Clark, and his Gohmertian plot to end American democracy using some idiotic, made-up procedural trick. Like so much of the news from the Transition Period That Would Not Motherfucking Die, that story read like an episode of the West Wing scripted by Tom Clancy with a railroad spike through his brain.

You read this crap, and you realize this shitty little Clark twerp got it into his head that HE was going to be the one to deliver the nation to Donald Trump on a plate, and the new Führer would be grateful, and appoint him Minister of Justice for the entire Thousand Year Reich, and folks, THIS is how it happens here. Because skidmark-souled men like Jeffrey Clark and Mark Meadows and Matt Gaetz and Gym Jordan will happily enable the Turd Emperor’s every crime in exchange for the crumbs of power that dribble from his sphincter-like mouth.

Now, given recent events, you would think the GOP would practically strut down this gift-wrapped, candy-coated, lovingly-dipped-in-nectar-and-ambrosia off-ramp that appeared magically before them. Honestly, it seemed unfair to me, that, having milked that pissant proto-fascist for three Supreme Court justices and a massive tax cut for their oligarch masters, the Republican Party was gifted such a perfect opportunity to wash their hands of him forever. He committed an act of unforgivable treason. They were free to walk away, squeaky clean, righteously indignant even.

But I guess when the moment actually comes, and you’re staring in disbelief at the thrift shop clerk who isn’t willing to go above a buck fifty for your sweaty, mayonnaise-stained death cult robes, it’s hard to let go. Sure, you lost both houses of Congress and the White House, and transformed into an authentic 21st century American Nazi in the process, but remember that summer you spent chanting “lock her up” alongside your fellow rage-warped white mediocrities? It was like Grease, only with less singing and also everybody was a racist loser.

So instead of letting the fever break, the Texas state Republican Party incorporated a QAnon slogan into their official branding. The Hawaiian sub-sect of Cult45 elevated a “comicsgate” creep to the position of vice chairman, only to be caught off guard somehow when he used official party social media accounts to pimp Q trash. In Arizona, Kelli Ward’s band of turd-gargling maniacs censured Cindy McCain, Jeff Flake, and Governor Doug Ducey for the high crime of refusing to help overthrow the United States government for a totalitarian game show host.

Unwilling to be out-crazied, the Oregon GOP proclaimed, via barely-legible feces smears on their meth dealer’s living room wall, that the Capitol riot was a “false flag” operation, designed to make Hairplug Himmler and his Legion of Losers look bad, as though any assistance is required on that particular front.

I suppose it shouldn’t surprise anyone that a party/cult/malodorous wad of freaks so devoted to enshrining bullshit as gospel would also require a few false idols to worship, and Tom Cotton and Madison Cawthorn certainly haven’t been shy about stealing whatever valor is necessary to hoover up the slavering throng’s deranged adulation.

Speaking of MAGA nation’s deplorable role models, child soldier Kyle Rittenhouse has been banned from associating with white supremacists, because even after murdering two human beings, he’s out on bail, partying with white supremacists, yet another perfectly reasonable decision rendered by our not-at-all racist justice system.

I see the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian briefly toyed with the idea of starting a third party, a No Willards Allowed death cult of his very own, but then he remembered that half the jurors in his pending impeachment trial are members of the party he was attempting to threaten. (The threats will resume promptly after acquittal, of course, but I think we can throw in the towel on the GOP learning that lesson by now.)

Marm-a-Lago is reportedly hemorrhaging members, by the way, because I guess the atmosphere around a toppled tyrant isn’t exactly festive. Yeah, I’m told Eva Braun’s attempts to spruce up the ol’ bunker ultimately went unappreciated, too.

Ted Cruz naturally wants to change the subject from the bloodthirsty white supremacist mob he incited, so he instigated a “Twitter feud” with affable film personality Seth Rogen, sliding effortlessly from agitating for the violent overthrow of the federal government to the mewling victimhood that defines his increasingly embarrassing “brand.” Like, we know Ted aspires to higher office, but seriously, what is his plan to make the public forget that he is literally the most pathetic, bottom-feeding weasel in American politics? Hypnotism?

Look out, Arkansas, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is back, and she’s bringing her dimestore autocrat incompetence to YOUR Governor’s Mansion! I don’t know what to even say; the contract between a Trumpist politician and their voters runs a little something like, “I will enrich myself while exacerbating every problem that lands on my desk, but in exchange for the measurable decline in your quality of life, I will lie to your face about who’s to blame, allowing you to bury your head in the sweet, soothing sand of resentment,” and honestly, the base seems more than happy with these terms.

So, Rudy Giuliani is apparently getting sued for not only every dime he’s worth, but everything he possesses of any value, down to those precious memories of backseat incest from his bygone youth, back when he could scarcely dream he’d someday wind up as the single slimiest colon polyp in a cancerous fascist invasion of American democracy.

Since the American right refuses to self-regulate, I feel like these Dominion lawsuits might be our best shot at seeing actual consequences for the, y’know, the months-long disinformation campaign that culminated in an armed coup attempt. The Senate somehow lacks the courage to convict Government Cheese Goebbels for whipping up a lynch mob to murder his enemies, but should a precious Corporate Entity become collateral damage to the terrorist fallout of your Big Lie, all mercy will be denied ye.

I’m not saying it’s a good system, I’m saying I want to see Rudy squeezed like a zit, and I’m willing to subscribe to any streaming service that can deliver that shit.

Mitch McConnell finally consented to allow Democrats to run the Senate they won, though I’m sure he still follows the new Majority Leader around all day like a lost puppy, threatening to filibuster Schumer’s second slice of pie or some shit. Chuck earned that pie, Buster, by skipping straight to reconciliation for the big Biden coronavirus stimulus bill. Fool us once, shame on us, won’t get fooled again, fuck you, Yertle, stand in the corner and whine while we help the people you failed, eat shit forever.

Forty-five Republican Senators voted to give themselves a Get Out of This Vote I Don’t Want to Explain to the Electorate Back Home Free card, cuz impeaching a former President is…unconstitutional, yeah, that’s the ticket, everybody knows the founding fathers envisioned the lame duck period as a time when the outgoing incumbent, as a reward for his service, is formally elevated above any and all laws, free to hunt serfs for sport should he so choose. As a treat.

The state of Oklahoma is, hilariously, attempting to return the hydroxychloroquine stockpile they foolishly dropped a couple million bucks on last year. There should be punishment for buying two million dollars’ worth of hydroxychloroquine on Donald Trump’s advice, if only that you’re stuck with two million dollars’ worth of hydroxychloroquine instead of two million dollars. I’m told the Oklahoma attorney general is also kicking himself for throwing out the receipt for those sixty thousand bottles of bleach he bought from Target.

In many ways, this was Marjorie Taylor Greene Week, because it seemed like you couldn’t refresh your feed without discovering some shocking new depth to that loon’s seemingly limitless reservoir of awful behavior. The Vainglorious MTG is a slur-spewing, school-shooting-survivor-harassing wonder of science: with the intellectual capacity of Tommy Tuberville, the casual bigotry of Steve King, and her own unique strain of whatever fungus has been chewing on Alex Jones’ brain, she’s some sort of hideously sewn-together hybrid Republican, and she clearly misinterpreted the old Jews in Space bit as a rather ominous threat.

Ok, the preceding overstuffed paragraph contains Thursday’s Marjorie Taylor Greene news. Take a deep breath, use the restroom, maybe make yourself a snack, because we’re about to move on to Friday’s Marjorie Taylor Greene news.

Like the part where she unleashed so much maskless spittle on a Democratic colleague during a hallway confrontation that Congresswoman Cori Bush has been forced to relocate her office to protect her staff. Or the video Mother Jones unearthed, of MTG calling for terrorist violence (I know, I know, throw it on the pile). Or her demented quest to force Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib to re-take their congressional oaths on Christian bibles, based on one of her many delusions.

Congratulations, Minority Leader McCarthy: this insane Nazi lady is the face of your caucus. Oh. Excuse me, sir, I didn’t mean to disturb you…I just figured since Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot fled Washington in defeat and disgrace, there would no longer be any need for you to orally polish his hemorrhoids, let alone fly all the way to Florida for the opportunity, but…I suppose after four years, you must get to like it down there. Apparently.

See, that’s why it’s REALLY Marjorie Taylor Greene Week, because the institutional Republican Party has gazed upon the roaring-blaze-in-the-dumpster-behind-Mengele’s-place their party has become, and decided, “we should probably put that fire out, sure, but look at how prettily it burns!”

Screw Reagan, skullfuck that race traitor cuck Lincoln, hell, there isn’t room for LIZ FREAKING CHENEY in this tent anymore, non-bathsalt-guzzlers need not apply! To pass the time as I worry about what all this means for the future of my beloved country, I plan on working up a slasher flick pitch where Mitt Romney and Lisa Murkowski have to escape a Panhandle fundraiser for Matt Gaetz, when the donors go savagely insane after ingesting generic Russian meth from the open bar.

But Joe Biden wore a Rolex to his inauguration and he owns a piece of home exercise equipment, so y’know, America’s two political parties exist in a state of perfect ChuckToddian equivalence.

SOME WEEK, HUH? And that’s not even factoring in the stock market madness. But yeah, I think we’re gonna try this once-a-week schedule for now, folks. Might pop up with an extra entry now and then, if the poonami suddenly surges, but we’ll see. Stay safe out there, friends. May your future contain vaccines and adult beverages.

*Or is it “bureaucrat stooge?” I defer to the experts. 

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Holy hell. It’s scary, how organized these fucks were.

They’ll learn from their mistakes and do better, if we let them run wild. https://t.co/47uggsFifN

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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