American Madness Journal

I’d like to congratulate Kharg Island, the new odds-on favorite heading into the final round of Who Wants to be the 51st State, the hit reality show none of us can ever ever EVER FUCKING TURN OFF, where a somnolent megalomaniac races Vladimir Putin and his own rapidly...

Seems like only yesterday he dreamed of joining the titans of history. Alexander. Napoleon. The sort of dudes who make it into Bill & Ted movies, y’know? He was gonna tariff the entire world into submission and conquer Greenland and deport anybody who complained...

Hello, friends. Forgive my longer-than-expected absence. It’s just that, well, I fancy myself something of a humorist, and to wind up so overwhelmingly, effortlessly out-satired by the very target of my ridicule…it’s been humbling. “Dumocrats” GOD, IT WAS RIGHT THERE!...

Dearest Chums/Friends/Busloads of Antifas - NO BLOG AGAIN TONIGHT! My apologies. The good news is GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is coming together beautifully! The bad news is I’m woefully behind on about a dozen different fronts, and I need to take some...

“He’s been talking recently about how he is the most powerful person to ever live.” Everybody working in the one-sentence horror story field can go ahead and retire. On balance, I’m cheering for the brain rot to outrace the megalomania, though I suppose if...

It’s hard to believe we were ever frightened of MAGA, watching them lie, broken, incontinent, and whinging, on the battlefield they themselves so enthusiastically selected. Mid-decade redistricting blew up in their dumb, dumb faces, just like the tariffs and the...

I’ve always been skeptical of American remakes of European projects, but I think this Hungarian election thing has potential. Let’s give it a massive budget. Brad Pitt in the Péter Magyar role. Spielberg directs, at least through the trials, at which point we hand the...

When I saw him talking about killing a whole civilization, I just assumed he meant ours. That the Project 2025 termites had finally gnawed through enough support beams to bring the whole motherfucker down around our ears. Then I remembered Donnie Dotard’s late-onset...

“Trump officials cite white supremacists in bid to end birthright citizenship” Gross. And we shrug. “Sounds like something the United States government would do, yeah.” That said, I think the last year or so conclusively disproves the concept of white supremacy and...

Honestly, I haven’t been paying close attention this week. Are we still doing news? I caught a glimpse of Melania with her new robot boyfriend and assumed we were skipping straight to the dystopia. We’re still at war, excuse me, at excursion with Iran, I think? Total...

I regret to inform you the men who wear literal, actual, I-shit-you-not-this-is-happening-in-real-fucking-life clown shoes to work (at, heaven help us, the White House and Pentagon) haven’t quite figured out how war works yet, but I’m sure they’ll pick it up. Give it...

Readers periodically express concern for my mental well-being, which I get. Staring into MAGA’s puckered butthole for a decade isn’t anything I’d recommend as a rest cure, but certain responsibilities come with the bathrobe and luchador mask. That said, I do ask for...

Today is my birthday. My 47th, as it happens. While it’s unlikely there’s any supernatural mojo to be harvested there, I sacrificed an extra virgin on my altar to the God of Cankles just in case. Don’t worry, no one ever misses these incel White House interns. Anyhoo,...

  So the biggest, shittiest bully of the whole dang century had his favorite bullyin’ stick snatched away. As a longtime fan of humanity, any failure of any tyrant is cause for celebration. But I want to do something I’ve never done in the history of this blog. I...

Despite my nigh hourly ritual sacrifices to the God of Cankles, I confess I’m glad he lived to see all these new polls about how much better Joe Biden was than the pathetic loser who replaced him. Heh. Bet that stings when you’re an aging narcissist with health...

America passed the “measles outbreak in the children’s concentration camp” milestone this week, but the President definitely didn’t shit his pants. Whatever you may think of the despotism or the inflation or the raw, racist hate, he did not shit his pants. He was...

  I’ll try to make this quick since I know you’re reading this in line between showings of the Melania movie. Stephen Miller was so excited, he treated himself to an extra vole. After all the years of creeping authoritarianism, it was time at last to lunge. A...

Well, the (First?) Greenland War was as needlessly destabilizing as it was unendurably embarrassing, but at least we lost. I’ve never been so happy to see TACO Trump. TACO Trump is the best Trump by miles. Drunk with Blood and Power, Convinced Regime Change is Fun n’...

So, Kristi Noem appears to have invaded Minnesota. The cursed Choose Your Own Adventure book we’ve been trapped in since 2015 started so innocuously. Page one, chapter one: “A buffoon descends an escalator. To make the buffoon president, turn to page 718,256.” Ten...

No doubt historians will remember The Week Where the Regime Change Wasn’t the Most Terrifying Abuse of State Violence as the healthiest of the entire American experiment. Tell the spirits of the Founders it’s okay to move on to the next plane of existence; we’ve got...

I’d like to congratulate Kharg Island, the new odds-on favorite heading into the final round of Who Wants to be the 51st State, the hit reality show none of us can ever ever EVER FUCKING TURN OFF, where a somnolent megalomaniac races Vladimir Putin and his own rapidly...

Seems like only yesterday he dreamed of joining the titans of history. Alexander. Napoleon. The sort of dudes who make it into Bill & Ted movies, y’know? He was gonna tariff the entire world into submission and conquer Greenland and deport anybody who complained...

Hello, friends. Forgive my longer-than-expected absence. It’s just that, well, I fancy myself something of a humorist, and to wind up so overwhelmingly, effortlessly out-satired by the very target of my ridicule…it’s been humbling. “Dumocrats” GOD, IT WAS RIGHT THERE!...

Dearest Chums/Friends/Busloads of Antifas - NO BLOG AGAIN TONIGHT! My apologies. The good news is GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is coming together beautifully! The bad news is I’m woefully behind on about a dozen different fronts, and I need to take some...

“He’s been talking recently about how he is the most powerful person to ever live.” Everybody working in the one-sentence horror story field can go ahead and retire. On balance, I’m cheering for the brain rot to outrace the megalomania, though I suppose if...