American Madness Journal

Readers periodically express concern for my mental well-being, which I get. Staring into MAGA’s puckered butthole for a decade isn’t anything I’d recommend as a rest cure, but certain responsibilities come with the bathrobe and luchador mask. That said, I do ask for...

Today is my birthday. My 47th, as it happens. While it’s unlikely there’s any supernatural mojo to be harvested there, I sacrificed an extra virgin on my altar to the God of Cankles just in case. Don’t worry, no one ever misses these incel White House interns. Anyhoo,...

  So the biggest, shittiest bully of the whole dang century had his favorite bullyin’ stick snatched away. As a longtime fan of humanity, any failure of any tyrant is cause for celebration. But I want to do something I’ve never done in the history of this blog. I...

Despite my nigh hourly ritual sacrifices to the God of Cankles, I confess I’m glad he lived to see all these new polls about how much better Joe Biden was than the pathetic loser who replaced him. Heh. Bet that stings when you’re an aging narcissist with health...

America passed the “measles outbreak in the children’s concentration camp” milestone this week, but the President definitely didn’t shit his pants. Whatever you may think of the despotism or the inflation or the raw, racist hate, he did not shit his pants. He was...

  I’ll try to make this quick since I know you’re reading this in line between showings of the Melania movie. Stephen Miller was so excited, he treated himself to an extra vole. After all the years of creeping authoritarianism, it was time at last to lunge. A...

Well, the (First?) Greenland War was as needlessly destabilizing as it was unendurably embarrassing, but at least we lost. I’ve never been so happy to see TACO Trump. TACO Trump is the best Trump by miles. Drunk with Blood and Power, Convinced Regime Change is Fun n’...

So, Kristi Noem appears to have invaded Minnesota. The cursed Choose Your Own Adventure book we’ve been trapped in since 2015 started so innocuously. Page one, chapter one: “A buffoon descends an escalator. To make the buffoon president, turn to page 718,256.” Ten...

No doubt historians will remember The Week Where the Regime Change Wasn’t the Most Terrifying Abuse of State Violence as the healthiest of the entire American experiment. Tell the spirits of the Founders it’s okay to move on to the next plane of existence; we’ve got...

You guys, what if the backup plan to Project 2025 relies on making the domestic opposition too ashamed of being American to fight for their country? Might just work, too. You watch his lewd, triumphal gyrations over the murder of a celebrity critic, like a strip club...

Now that commenting on the Offal in Oval’s glaringly apparent physical and mental decline has been officially declared treasonous, I invite you, dear reader, to enter into a humbly seditious conspiracy with me. Just for the record, the President of the United States...

So, now that we’ve entered the Daily Televised Nap phase of the Thousand Year Reich, I was thinking it’s probably time for that difficult talk about taking the keys to the death cult away from grandpa. No? Well, then, I suppose we may as well launch the Donald J....

Hey, folks! So, I wrote a whole-ass blog this week, and I was in the process of inserting the links when I realized I hadn’t composed a single funny sentence. Couldn’t even find a gag about Clay Higgins voting against the release of the Epstein files, yikes! Happens...

Sometimes I picture the ragged remains of humanity, huddling in caves, hiding from whatever species supplants us as the planet’s dominant life form (we flatter ourselves it’ll be AI, but given the course we’re on, we better hope the pigeons don’t make their move),...

There’s very little in life I enjoy more than a cool, refreshing Blue Wave. The soothing spearmint flavor of flipping governorships, ending red state supermajorities, and winning statewide races for the first time in decades freshens breath and rejuvenates the...

So it seems an indeterminate number of herpes-infected lab monkeys escaped following a car crash in Mississippi, and I couldn’t help fantasizing about how much better off we’d be if one of them were president. Honestly, how far down the current line of succession do...

I feel like “And that’s when the mentally deteriorating game show host unexpectedly demolished an entire wing of the White House to make room for a playpen financed by bribes” will be the moment the American history students of the future start complaining about the...

Salutations, comrades! I assume your Soros-funded monthly subscription box of extra-flammable flags has arrived, so it’s time at last to proceed to the final stage of Operation: Jade Helm…THE FROGGENING! Hating America just feels…I dunno, somehow hate-ier in an...

I write to you tonight from war-torn Chicago, where busloads of Antifas have run amok, smashing our deep-dish pizzas into that flat, flaccid shit they sell in New York. Luckily, heroic agents of ICE have been firing pepperoni balls at the traumatized populace,...

Friends, I confess it’s increasingly challenging to chronicle current events with anything resembling humor. Ummmm…why don’t we try, like, “How many state-sanctioned Proud Boys does it take to zip-tie a bunch of children in the dead of the night?” 300, GIVE OR TAKE,...

Readers periodically express concern for my mental well-being, which I get. Staring into MAGA’s puckered butthole for a decade isn’t anything I’d recommend as a rest cure, but certain responsibilities come with the bathrobe and luchador mask. That said, I do ask for...

Today is my birthday. My 47th, as it happens. While it’s unlikely there’s any supernatural mojo to be harvested there, I sacrificed an extra virgin on my altar to the God of Cankles just in case. Don’t worry, no one ever misses these incel White House interns. Anyhoo,...

  So the biggest, shittiest bully of the whole dang century had his favorite bullyin’ stick snatched away. As a longtime fan of humanity, any failure of any tyrant is cause for celebration. But I want to do something I’ve never done in the history of this blog. I...

Despite my nigh hourly ritual sacrifices to the God of Cankles, I confess I’m glad he lived to see all these new polls about how much better Joe Biden was than the pathetic loser who replaced him. Heh. Bet that stings when you’re an aging narcissist with health...

America passed the “measles outbreak in the children’s concentration camp” milestone this week, but the President definitely didn’t shit his pants. Whatever you may think of the despotism or the inflation or the raw, racist hate, he did not shit his pants. He was...