Shower Cap’s Midterms Six-Packs
The Worst Republicans
Maybe you want to focus on keeping the scummiest GOP scumbags away from the reigns of power. There’s a lot of competition this year, but these are the Dems running against the very worst of the worst:
*Jeff Van Drew deserves a spot on this list, but his opponent is so shitty the GOP abandoned him months ago, and he looks certain to lose.
The Good Guy
Anthony Brindisi
Anthony Brindisi is only a little older than me, and he’s already been in the New York State Assembly since 2011, plus now he’s looking to graduate to the majors. Whereas I dress up in a mask and a bathrobe and tell shart jokes. Can’t say I care for Anthony on guns, but there’s still plenty to like; he’s running on health care, education, women’s rights…well, see for yourself.
Follow him on Twitter @ABrindisiNY Visit his Facebook page
New York
Ratings:
FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem
Roll Call: Toss-Up
Cook: Toss-Up
Sabato: Toss-Up
The Bad Gal
Claudia Tenney
Claudia Tenney SUCKS, y’all. A dutiful little Trumper, she called Congressional Democrats “un-American” for showing insufficient fealty to her Turd Emperor. Tenney gained national fame by pulling the claim that mass shooters tend to be Democrats directly out of her asss. (Claudia is, naturally, an NRA puppet) She’s one of those loons who blames everything on the DEEP STATE, including, I shit you not, Ben Carson’s $31,000 dining set. She also claimed the bullshit GOP tax bill “already paid for” itself, in a genuinely Trumpian display of dumbass mendacity. Even by modern Republican standards, Claudia is hateful, dishonest, and unusually fucking stupid. We deserve better legislators.
The Good Gal
Angie Craig
Angie Craig has been working her ass off, and fighting her ass off, her whole dang life. She’s been a journalist and a high-powered health care executive. She’s created jobs and fought for (and won) her rights in the courts. Like, if you had a magic lamp and asked for the perfect Congressional candidate, the genie would just point at Angie Craig. She has the experience, the perspective, and the plan we need to get the country back on the right track.
Follow her on Twitter @AngieCraigMN Visit her Facebook page
Minnesota
Ratings:
FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem
Roll Call: Toss-Up
Cook: Lean Dem
Sabato: Toss-Up
The Truly Awful Guy
Jason Lewis
Jason Lewis is jackass talk radio host who ran for Congress so he could solve the truly pressing issues of our time, like Why Can’t We Call Women Sluts Anymore? He’s also buds with Rush Limbaugh, and super-duper racist, but I repeat myself. I’d use just three words to describe Jason: Hateful, stupid, and hateful. If you’re looking to flush Trumpism down the Toilet of History, this is your race to target. Of all the House match-ups this year, I don’t know that there’s a bigger decency gap between the candidates than in the Minnesota 2nd.
The Good Guy
Dan Feehan
Dan Feehan is an Iraq veteran (he earned the Bronze Star), a former teacher, and oh yeah, served as an acting Assistant Secretary of Defense under Obama. I love how he always puts his teaching experience on equal footing with his showier credentials, and I love his sincere commitment to the idea of “service.” Feehan’s campaign is laser-focused on his district’s unique needs, which is how things oughta be. Comparing Dan to his opponent is, honestly, like choosing between the ribeye at Gibsons and a dumpster full of used diapers.
Follow him on Twitter @danielfeehan Visit his Facebook page
Minnesota
Ratings:
FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep
Roll Call: Toss-Up
Cook: Toss-Up
Sabato: Toss-Up
The Bad Guy
Jim Hagedorn
Google Jim Hagedorn, and you’ll find an article wondering if he’s “the worst Republican candidate in America,” and it’s easy to see why. Jimbo stands out as unusually bigoted and misogynistic even in the 2018 GOP, and isn’t that a horrifying thought? He’s actually lost three different elections for this seat already, probably because he’s such a raging idiot/massive asshole. Popular incumbent Tim Walz vacated this seat, and Trump won the district by 15 points, so it seems we’re lucky enough to have stumbled across the one guy jaggy enough to lose this race.
The Good Gal
Heidi Heitkamp
Heidi Heitkamp is pretty badass, y’all. She’s a former EPA lawyer, North Dakota Attorney General (where she administered a substantial spanking to Big Tobacco) and Tax Commissioner, an energy company executive, and oh yeah, a motherfucking cancer survivor.
She’s defended Obamacare, earned a lifetime 100% rating from Planned Parenthood, and has a history of crossing the aisle to get shit done. She’s crappy on guns. She’s not great on environmental issues, because she’s looking out for her home state’s fossil fuel-driven economy, which is, after all, her job. She’s well-liked in North Dakota, because she listens to her constituents, and represents them well. She’s a moderate, and she’ll be the first one to tell you so. It’s a state Trump won by thirty-freakin’-five points, they’re not crying out for far-left politics.
I know Senator Heitkamp is not your favorite. But before you move on, I want you to read about her opponent. Honestly, we’re lucky to have any sort of Democrat in this particular seat. The choice this November is Heitkamp vs Cramer, and I would suggest to you that’s the starkest choice on the entire board.
Follow her on Twitter @HeidiHeitkamp Visit her Facebook page
The Bad Guy
Kevin Cramer
Kevin Cramer is wrong about everything. He’s a wannabe ACA repealer. He blames legalized abortion for mass shootings. On LGBT rights, he’s supported by a group that pushes conversation therapy. He’s a proud climate change denier. An unusually frothy gun nut. An anti-Native-American bigot. He is racist, sexist, classist trash.
I’ll be honest with y’all, I didn’t know anything whatsoever about Cramer before I started researching this entry; twenty minutes later, I’m almost projectile vomiting. This guy is one of the very worst people in the entire Republican Party, and I don’t say that lightly. He’s been proudly endorsed by open white supremacists. Fuck, even the Koch Brothers won’t support this turd.
I beg of you, do your part to keep this scumbag out of the United States Senate.
The Good Guy
Dan McCready
Dan McCready is a Marine Corps veteran, and a solar energy entrepreneur! Got that? Risked his life for his country, came home and created a fuckton of jobs in the green energy sector. Oh, and for a little side project, he started a website called This Land that sold only hand-made goods by American craftsmen. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BIO? The only thing to be disappointed about is, sorry folks, he’s already married. The good news is, he’s as good a candidate as you could hope to recruit in this unexpectedly competitive district.
Dan is also not a frothing-at-the-mouth maniac, unlike SOME candidates I could mention.
Follow him on Twitter: @McCreadyForNC Visit his Facebook page
Ratings:
FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem
Roll Call: Tilt Rep
Cook: Toss-Up
Sabato: Lean Dem
The Bad Guy
Mark Harris
Mark Harris challenged and defeated incumbent right-wing nutcase Robert Pittenger in the primary, because he believes a Republican CongressThug needs to be an out-of-control, poo-flinging, extremist maniac like himself. Mark is one of those “pastors” who wants to bring the government’s boot down on the neck of all us heathens for disobeying whatever fistful of Bible verses he’s cherry-picking this week (he backed his state’s economically-suicidal “bathroom bill,” for example). Oh, and the good Reverend Harris wonders if careers for the womenfolk are really “healthy.” I think sending this medieval fuckbag to Congress would be unhealthy. Donate to Dan McCready and call me in the morning.
The Good Guy
Harley Rouda
In this particular district, I guess the best thing about Harley Rouda is that he’s not a Russian asset. Harley’s been an attorney and an entrepreneur, as well as pleasantly active philanthropist. Rouda used to be a Republican, but switched parties when he realized that the GOP no longer reflected his values, because he is not a complete and utter shitbag. Still, his platform is solid, and his past could make him more palatable in the conservative-leaning OC.
Follow him on Twitter: @HarleyRouda Visit his Facebook page
California
Ratings:
FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem
Roll Call: Toss-Up
Cook: Toss-Up
Sabato: Toss-Up
The Bad Guy
Dana Rohrabacher
Dana Rohrabacher represents his constituents’ needs with ferocious loyalty and attention, assuming his constituents are not the good folks of Orange County, but Vladimir Putin and his oligarch budz. Dana’s so far up Vlad’s ass, he’s practically Trump’s roommate. The little bastard even has his very own Kremlin code name, for fuck’s sake. Beyond the treason stuff, he supports all the usual Republican fuckery, from Obamacare repeal to torture to, apparently, arming toddlers. And there’s even weirder shit, too.