Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
As you’ve probably heard, Jeff Sessions was too racist for the 80’s. Y’all, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms were still in the Senate in the 80’s, so let’s pause to really appreciate that statement. Like, Ol’ Beau was doing some sort of cutting edge post-punk new wave Klanpop, and it was just a little too angular for radio play. OUT OF AFRICA and DRIVING MISS DAISY won Best Picture in the decade Jeff Sessions was too racist for. THAT’S HOW FUCKING RACIST THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS.
Now, having decades worth of “What a racist jag” stories would destroy most men’s careers. Luckily for JeffBeau, he hails from Alabama. In fact, when he ran for the U.S. Senate, his persecution at the hands of the Yankees actually helped propel him to victory. Yep, Alabammy was whining about social justice warriors before whining about social justice warriors was cool.
And so he sat in the Senate for 20 years, accomplishing not one damn thing worth mentioning. He’s been a primary sponsor of a mere ten bills that have been signed into law in all his years on Capitol Hill, and I don’t want to diminish the significance of the Boy Scouts of America Centennial Commemorative Coin Act, or the James Madison Commemoration Commission Act, but Lyndon Johnson he ain’t.
I guess Alabama doesn’t want legislation from their legislators, they just want a goony-lookin’ southern gent to sit in the corner and tsk disapprovingly whenever a lady or a colored fellah speaks in the chamber, like Ed Begley in a long forgotten Tennessee Williams play.
Sessions was the first major national politician to lend his credibility to the Drumpf campaign, and that by itself ought to land him in at least the fourth circle of hell. But when last November’s disaster occurred, suddenly the Senator from 1940’s Pleasantville found himself in line for a goddamn cabinet post, to the lasting chagrin of America and history and decency.
During his AG confirmation hearings, Jeffy insisted past attempts to characterize him as some sort of racist monster were inaccurate and unfair*. Upon confirmation, he immediately began acting like some sort of racist monster, transforming the Justice Department into a blunt instrument designed to drag the present kicking and screaming backwards into the intolerant past. He’s pushing for maximum mandatory minimum sentences, an increase in private prison beds, a return to the failed war on drugs, and of course all the voter suppression you can eat. He’s popping up in cases Justice even party to, just to say he doesn’t think LGBT people have rights. Fucker’s even trying to use Justice’s Civil Rights Division to investigate discrimination against WHITE PEOPLE in college admissions.
Still, Ol’ Beauregard got himself into a bit of trouble lying about meeting with some Russian folks, and he pissed off his boss when he recused himself from the FBI’s Russia investigations, so maybe his days as the nation’s top law enforcement official are numbered. (You’d think that would have come sooner, what with the lawbreaking and whatnot.) But you can bet your ass he’ll spend whatever days he has remaining clearing the field for the next generation of mush-brained, subpar, caucasians. Doesn’t matter how ass-backward your beliefs are, hate the right people, and you too can become the Attorney General of the whole dang United States, (white) kids!
Long story short, if Alabama weren’t constitutionally entitled to two Senators, Jeff Sessions would’ve wound up running one of those ammo shops that refuses to sell to Muslims, spending his spare time in a rocking chair on his front porch, waiting for black kids to walk by his house so he could turn the hose on them.
He’s like the new song a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band keeps trying to work into their set, whether their audience likes it or not.
*Sessions’ Senate colleagues of both parties stumble over one another to tell us how NICE he is, as though a lifetime spent in the service of white supremacy is excusable if you tip your cap and call Susan Collins “Ma’am.”
BONUS FUN FACT: When photographed, Jeff Sessions always, ALWAYS looks like he just sat on a pie. Look it up.