Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
General James Mattis: Secretary of Defense
General John Kelly: Chief of Staff
General H.R. McMaster: National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
In saner times, hiring a general to run the Department of Defense would have been a much bigger deal. We tend to be all about dat Civilian Oversight of the Armed Forces here in the USA. Shit, when we reorganized the military after WWII, the National Security Act of 1947 very specifically mandated a seven year cooling off period before a general could serve as Defense Secretary, the idea being maybe after seven years, these career hammer-swingers might finally start seeing a few problems that don’t look like nails.
But I guess Congress looked at the rest of the Arkham Asylum inmates being pitched for the Cabinet, and went “Here’s one who at least speaks in complete sentences and doesn’t seem surprised by the duties of the post; get this man a motherfucking waiver.”
Mattis, for the record, had a long and almost ridiculously distinguished career before retiring from active duty. He’s alternately known as “The Warrior Monk,” which is kinda encouraging, and “Mad Dog,” which he reportedly hates. Drumpf calls him “Mad Dog” of course, because he gets off on the idea of guy called “Mad Dog” working for him.
I’m not wildly comfortable with a General, particularly an Iran hawk, heading up Defense, but fuck, Plan B was probably Erik Prince.
John Kelly initially served as Don the Con’s Secretary of Homeland Security, where he was quite the eager little fear-mongerer, immigrant-deporter, and Big Stupid Useless Border Wall shiller.
He took over as Chief of Staff because it took the Shart of the Deal six months to figure out that Reince Priebus is to “jobs that require respect” as Clint Howard is to “romantic leading man roles.”
H.R. McMaster literally wrote the book on the need for military leaders to speak truth to power, only to be trotted out as a ribbon-coated shield when President Dumbfuck leaked classified information to the Russian ambassador in the Oval Office because he never stops compensating for his microwang.
Life comes at you fast, H.R.
Anyway, he’s certainly an upgrade over the dude he replaced as NSA, the cartoonishly corrupt/conspiracy addled/generally loony/possibly treasonous General Mike Flynn.
The InfoWars crowd tried hard to push McMaster out, but instead, when the dust settled, it was Steve Bannon and his merry band of (white) nationalist maniacs who’d been sent packing. Now the Breitbartosphere’s screeching about a “military coup” taking their precious God Emperor away from them…
…and, admit it, you hear “military coup” and at least part of you’s like, “Y’know, I never thought I’d say this, but I don’t hate that idea,” if only for a passing moment.
It’s a strange place to live, America in 2017.
Fuck, y’all. I don’t know what to make of all this. Every instinct I have tells me having so much Brass in the civilian government is fucking DANGEROUS.
But Kelly and McMaster forced Scaramucci, Bannon and Gorka from the White House, and that’s a good thing, right? (Of course, they’ll still be on speed dial…)
But then, we’re sending more troops to Afghanistan.
But you read that Kelly and Mattis made an agreement to make sure one of them was always in country, so the Toddler in Chief would never be unsupervised, and you have to admit that made you feel better.
But then, there was that disastrous raid in Yemen.
But you read about Kelly blocking SCROTUS’ access to far-right propaganda sites, and that seems like a good thing, too.
But then, from Charlottesville to the Arpaio pardon, hasn’t Trump been, if anything, more openly white supremacist since Kelly took over?
But surely having a few level heads serving as gate-keepers prevents unqualified psychos like Miller and Omarosa from manipulating the most powerful man on Earth for their own demented agendas, right?
But then, we’re dropping bombs at a horrifying pace.
I dunno folks. Are these dudes the last grown-ups in the room, ready to tackle President Dipshit before he can instigate a nuclear war, or are they just a different branch of the same rotting tree, manipulating a four-star-struck idiot manchild with residual military school deference into checking off every item on the Military’s Christmas list, while providing a mask of respectability to his wannabe-authoritarian constitution-shredding?
…or are they both?
And shit, are these the only military folks infiltrating the executive? Maybe the Rose Garden grounds crew have been replaced by Navy SEALs, the interns are all secretly ROTC, and the White House chef is Steven Seagal.
Very enjoyable reading
Time to update your Generals page, this shit just comes so fast its hard to keep up.
It would be hilarious if it wasn’t the darn truth! Pathetic world we live in these days. Thanks for making it so entertaining!
This is some of the best damn reading I’ve done in months. My hat is off to you man. Salient facts wrapped in a shart storm is a combination to drink to.