Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron. Because he was CEO of a fossil fuel company, he’s now America’s top diplomat, which is like, I dunno, putting some random surgeon in charge of HUD.
Now, Tillerson and Putin have been comrades since Lil’ Rexwell was but a wee oil executive, and Vlad was still doing his own killing. They’re so close, Tilly was even awarded the prestigious Friends of Russia With Benefits Medal, which means he can Netflix-and-chill at the Kremlin whenever he wants, and also he gets complimentary piss hookers.
While Decidedly-Not-Sexy-Rexy headed Exxon, they violated American sanctions to cut oil deals with Putin and his state-owned fossil fuel company, because money talks and human rights walk, amiright? In light of the billions of dollars worth of business Exxon and Russia did, I bet that $2 million slap on the wrist will make other mega-corporations think twice before they partner with murdering dictators!
Anyway, because he’s a Rich Oil Guy and also used a fake persona (though not, as his new boss did, to brag about himself in the tabloids), I guess he’s the Secretary of State now. Sure. Does the office door say Wayne Tracker, though? Or is does he just turn into Wayne Tracker when the moon is full?
Normally, out-of-his-depth-dude-takes-over-enterprise-he-understands-fuckall-about is the plot of an amusing-but-forgettable 80’s comedy, and Rex would be played by Dan Akyroyd, and he’d have a love interest with really big hair, and maybe Billy Crystal would be his long-suffering brother, BUT THIS IS NOT A JOHN HUGHES MOVIE THIS IS FUCKING STATECRAFT WITH THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE STAKES, ALLY SHEEDY IS NOT INVITED.
And Rex, by all accounts, seems dangerously uninterested in how unqualified he is for his post. He sullenly wanders the halls of Foggy Bottom, screeching DON’T LOOK AT ME at those bold (or foolish?) enough to make eye contact. He sits secluded in his office, where you must never, ever go, Belle, do you understand me? NEVER!!
He haphazardly endorsed massive cuts to his own department’s budget without bothering to assess their impact. He’s recklessly downsizing like some sneering corporate hack in an Alien movie, and I imagine we can look forward to reaping similar results.
Fucker’s acting like we switched diplomacy budgets with Honduras. Because the foreign policy establishment was the first and most vocal wing of the GOP to turn on Drumpf, they must be weeded out, you see.
For extra fun, he seems hellbent on keeping the next generation of diplomats out of State, I guess because he doesn’t give a flying fuck what happens the country after he dies.
And if this weakens the nation? If the retreat of the United States from the world stage creates gaps that China, Russia, the EU, probably fucking Narnia and Wakanda, are all too happy to step in and fill? Well, Rex Tillerson doesn’t seem to care, not one little bit. Let America decline, it’s on orders from Steve Bannon! The administrative state must be deconstructed!
And so he blunders about the globe, getting relentlessly owned by everyone he comes into contact with.
He doesn’t like press attention, so he shuts the American media out, allowing foreign, often state-run, press to set whatever narrative it fucking feels like.
“Oh yeah, America just reversed decades of established policy and gave us every fucking thing we ever wanted” sez the press from Nation X. “We own Hawaii now. And Honolulu’s getting an NFL team. And a Krispy Kreme.”
Before the year’s out, I expect Rex to swap Alaska to Russia for a handful of shiny, shiny beads.
I should note that the Tillerman’s Order of Broship Bud Vlad Putin has taken particular advantage of this Friendship Benefit.
Low T Rex treats American diplomacy as some sort of vaguely amusing post-retirement hobby. Fucking hell, why couldn’t he just restore a Harley like a regular old guy?
In a normal administration, Rex Tillerson would be seen as scandalously inept, and he’d be on the front page every day until he got fired, which would have happened weeks ago.
In 2017, he’s one of the “adults” in the room. It’s like having Dennis Hopper from HOOSIERS as the lone chaperone on a white water rafting trip where the woods turn out to be full of serial killers. And nuclear weapons.
Fuck. We shoulda just hired Dan Aykroyd.
PS – Wikipedia wants me to let you know he’s also an Eagle Scout. Great. So, all the above-mentioned fuckery, but also an Eagle Scout. Whoopty shit.