Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Lil’ Jagoff probably claimed his caucasian heritage entitled him to more time on the swingset, or extra paste to eat in Kindergarten.
Childhood classmates tell stories of young Miller berating minorities and generally making an ass of himself at every available opportunity. He literally stopped being friends with a kid because the kid was Latino. He seems to have gone out of his way to make sure everybody in school understood what a soulless, douchey, turdworm he was. (I assume you’ve seen the “janitor” clip by now, but just in case, I’ll link it here.)
Miller became a minor right wing media star while still in high school, because he was an enthusiastic race baiter at an age when normal kids are focused on sex or sports or or comic books, or basically, y’know…anything other than being a white supremacist shitstain.
See, Stephen’s incapable of inspiring normal human affection in anyone, and the closest substitute he’s ever found is the esteem of bitter talk radio losers who hate the same people he does.
The Atomic Fire animating Stephen Miller is of course his blazing, inescapable, inferiority complex. You can see it in his every tic and gesture, can’t you? Is he not a White Man? Is he not meant to stride this Earth as its Master?
And yet…no matter how many times he reads his favorite passages from The Turner Diaries out loud to pep himself up, Stevie Boy can never escape the mewling mediocrity that stares, dead-eyed and middling, back from his mirror.
“WHY!?!” screeches Stephen to the condo that has only ever been visited by delivery drivers, “WHY MUST MY WITHERED SEX ORGAN REMAINED UNTOUCHED BY ANY HUMAN HAND SAVE MY OWN?”
For real, Miller’s penis is probably, like, a distended GI Joe doll arm, shrieking in agony. None can say for certain, for none have ever looked upon it.
…you sort of assume he also smells bad.
Anyhow. Stephen Miller’s path to the halls of power is possibly America’s greatest accidental tragedy.
After all, where could such a hopelessly pathetic, utterly useless hateweasel possibly hope to gain employment?
Why, on Senator Jeff Sessions’ staff, that’s where!
Now, Jeff Sessions was a famously useless Senator, accomplishing little while occasionally bellowing his advocacy for a return to mid-19th century social policies from a desk in the back, unmarked by his colleagues.
But then Sessions became the first sitting Senator to jump on the Trump train.
And then Vlad did what he did, and Comey did what he did, and a bunch of jackasses in the Rust Belt decided to protest vote for Jill Stein, and we wound up where we are.
And suddenly Stephen Miller, the human equivalent of Finding a Sloppy Dump in the John at a Truck Stop, found himself a trusted advisor to the President of the United States of America.
And for a few weeks between election night and inauguration day, this fetid bowel movement got to indulge his fascist’s fantasy of reshaping the world to his liking.
But then reality intruded. He drafted his little racist travel ban that shipwrecked on the shores of a court system which proved stronger than he’d hoped. He’s scripted a few speeches that were met with horror and contempt. His goals have proven disastrously unpopular, and they’ve helped destroy a Presidency he dreamt of piloting to some sort of fantasy land where the loathsome and awkwardly bald are feted.
He gets trotted out for the cameras every so often, to make threats about how the President’s power “will not be questioned,” but when the proclamations come from such an obviously pathetic little man, how can they be taken seriously?
You can’t even muster any fury at Stephen Miller, really. His manner when he clashes with someone (say, CNN’s Jim Acosta) who challenges him is Tim-Roth-in-Rob-Roy-level condescending, but…you take one look at the dude…gangly, repulsive, with a bald spot you could project a drive-in movie onto, and what can you do but laugh? Derisively?
There have been many slappable faces in the White House ere now. But this present particular collection of heehaws, chuckleheads and lickspittles just cry out for manual assault. I have never wanted so badly to slap a bunch of fools UPSIDE THEY HAIDS!!!
Jim Jordan needs more forehead. Maybe Scary Steve could spare half and help them both. Love your blog Cap!
Nice blog. Really like it. Are you sure jar jar’s daddy was in jell. I wonder if jar jar knew that. He always looks and acts as lost as a bastard on fathers day.
I usually can’t wait to get your blog in my email. You say what I have been saying for along time to my friends who are still listening to me. You may be preaching to the choir, but I love to hear them sing. The above mentioned vile, pant load of infected pus should be taken out and horse whipped in Times Square in New York and then dragged through town in a humility stock so we can throw back at him all the feces that he has execrated from his infected pie hole at every minority group in the country. Except of course for the Jews by, which he is one and gives all of us Jews a bad name. I don’t like to spew invective at fellow humans, but this pile of dog droppings is an exception just like all of the Advisors of the former Velveeta Vulgarian to coin your phrase. I am not sure that there is any justice after death, but he might find himself in the lower levels of Hell along with Leona Helmsley, Jeffrey Epstein, and Pol Pot. I’m just musing. Love your blog and keep writing.