Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

Lil’ Jagoff probably claimed his caucasian heritage entitled him to more time on the swingset, or extra paste to eat in Kindergarten.

Childhood classmates tell stories of young Miller berating minorities and generally making an ass of himself at every available opportunity. He literally stopped being friends with a kid because the kid was Latino. He seems to have gone out of his way to make sure everybody in school understood what a soulless, douchey, turdworm he was. (I assume you’ve seen the “janitor” clip by now, but just in case, I’ll link it here.)

Miller became a minor right wing media star while still in high school, because he was an enthusiastic race baiter at an age when normal kids are focused on sex or sports or or comic books, or basically, y’know…anything other than being a white supremacist shitstain.

See, Stephen’s incapable of inspiring normal human affection in anyone, and the closest substitute he’s ever found is the esteem of bitter talk radio losers who hate the same people he does.

The Atomic Fire animating Stephen Miller is of course his blazing, inescapable, inferiority complex. You can see it in his every tic and gesture, can’t you? Is he not a White Man? Is he not meant to stride this Earth as its Master?

And yet…no matter how many times he reads his favorite passages from The Turner Diaries out loud to pep himself up, Stevie Boy can never escape the mewling mediocrity that stares, dead-eyed and middling, back from his mirror.

“WHY!?!” screeches Stephen to the condo that has only ever been visited by delivery drivers, “WHY MUST MY WITHERED SEX ORGAN REMAINED UNTOUCHED BY ANY HUMAN HAND SAVE MY OWN?”

For real, Miller’s penis is probably, like, a distended GI Joe doll arm, shrieking in agony. None can say for certain, for none have ever looked upon it.

…you sort of assume he also smells bad.

Anyhow. Stephen Miller’s path to the halls of power is possibly America’s greatest accidental tragedy.

After all, where could such a hopelessly pathetic, utterly useless hateweasel possibly hope to gain employment?

Why, on Senator Jeff Sessions’ staff, that’s where!

Now, Jeff Sessions was a famously useless Senator, accomplishing little while occasionally bellowing his advocacy for a return to mid-19th century social policies from a desk in the back, unmarked by his colleagues.

But then Sessions became the first sitting Senator to jump on the Trump train.

And then Vlad did what he did, and Comey did what he did, and a bunch of jackasses in the Rust Belt decided to protest vote for Jill Stein, and we wound up where we are.

And suddenly Stephen Miller, the human equivalent of Finding a Sloppy Dump in the John at a Truck Stop, found himself a trusted advisor to the President of the United States of America.

And for a few weeks between election night and inauguration day, this fetid bowel movement got to indulge his fascist’s fantasy of reshaping the world to his liking.

But then reality intruded. He drafted his little racist travel ban that shipwrecked on the shores of a court system which proved stronger than he’d hoped. He’s scripted a few speeches that were met with horror and contempt. His goals have proven disastrously unpopular, and they’ve helped destroy a Presidency he dreamt of piloting to some sort of fantasy land where the loathsome and awkwardly bald are feted.

He gets trotted out for the cameras every so often, to make threats about how the President’s power “will not be questioned,” but when the proclamations come from such an obviously pathetic little man, how can they be taken seriously?

You can’t even muster any fury at Stephen Miller, really. His manner when he clashes with someone (say, CNN’s Jim Acosta) who challenges him is Tim-Roth-in-Rob-Roy-level condescending, but…you take one look at the dude…gangly, repulsive, with a bald spot you could project a drive-in movie onto, and what can you do but laugh? Derisively?