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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

FRAUDSTER OF THE HOUSE

FRAUDSTER OF THE HOUSE

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

Lil’ Jagoff probably claimed his caucasian heritage entitled him to more time on the swingset, or extra paste to eat in Kindergarten.

Childhood classmates tell stories of young Miller berating minorities and generally making an ass of himself at every available opportunity. He literally stopped being friends with a kid because the kid was Latino. He seems to have gone out of his way to make sure everybody in school understood what a soulless, douchey, turdworm he was. (I assume you’ve seen the “janitor” clip by now, but just in case, I’ll link it here.)

Miller became a minor right wing media star while still in high school, because he was an enthusiastic race baiter at an age when normal kids are focused on sex or sports or or comic books, or basically, y’know…anything other than being a white supremacist shitstain.

See, Stephen’s incapable of inspiring normal human affection in anyone, and the closest substitute he’s ever found is the esteem of bitter talk radio losers who hate the same people he does.

The Atomic Fire animating Stephen Miller is of course his blazing, inescapable, inferiority complex. You can see it in his every tic and gesture, can’t you? Is he not a White Man? Is he not meant to stride this Earth as its Master?

And yet…no matter how many times he reads his favorite passages from The Turner Diaries out loud to pep himself up, Stevie Boy can never escape the mewling mediocrity that stares, dead-eyed and middling, back from his mirror.

“WHY!?!” screeches Stephen to the condo that has only ever been visited by delivery drivers, “WHY MUST MY WITHERED SEX ORGAN REMAINED UNTOUCHED BY ANY HUMAN HAND SAVE MY OWN?”

For real, Miller’s penis is probably, like, a distended GI Joe doll arm, shrieking in agony. None can say for certain, for none have ever looked upon it.

…you sort of assume he also smells bad.

Anyhow. Stephen Miller’s path to the halls of power is possibly America’s greatest accidental tragedy.

After all, where could such a hopelessly pathetic, utterly useless hateweasel possibly hope to gain employment?

Why, on Senator Jeff Sessions’ staff, that’s where!

Now, Jeff Sessions was a famously useless Senator, accomplishing little while occasionally bellowing his advocacy for a return to mid-19th century social policies from a desk in the back, unmarked by his colleagues.

But then Sessions became the first sitting Senator to jump on the Trump train.

And then Vlad did what he did, and Comey did what he did, and a bunch of jackasses in the Rust Belt decided to protest vote for Jill Stein, and we wound up where we are.

And suddenly Stephen Miller, the human equivalent of Finding a Sloppy Dump in the John at a Truck Stop, found himself a trusted advisor to the President of the United States of America.

And for a few weeks between election night and inauguration day, this fetid bowel movement got to indulge his fascist’s fantasy of reshaping the world to his liking.

But then reality intruded. He drafted his little racist travel ban that shipwrecked on the shores of a court system which proved stronger than he’d hoped. He’s scripted a few speeches that were met with horror and contempt. His goals have proven disastrously unpopular, and they’ve helped destroy a Presidency he dreamt of piloting to some sort of fantasy land where the loathsome and awkwardly bald are feted.

He gets trotted out for the cameras every so often, to make threats about how the President’s power “will not be questioned,” but when the proclamations come from such an obviously pathetic little man, how can they be taken seriously?

You can’t even muster any fury at Stephen Miller, really. His manner when he clashes with someone (say, CNN’s Jim Acosta) who challenges him is Tim-Roth-in-Rob-Roy-level condescending, but…you take one look at the dude…gangly, repulsive, with a bald spot you could project a drive-in movie onto, and what can you do but laugh? Derisively?

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