Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

As you’ve probably heard, Jeff Sessions was too racist for the 80’s. Y’all, Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms were still in the Senate in the 80’s, so let’s pause to really appreciate that statement. Like, Ol’ Beau was doing some sort of cutting edge post-punk new wave Klanpop, and it was just a little too angular for radio play. OUT OF AFRICA and DRIVING MISS DAISY won Best Picture in the decade Jeff Sessions was too racist for. THAT’S HOW FUCKING RACIST THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS.

Now, having decades worth of “What a racist jag” stories would destroy most men’s careers. Luckily for JeffBeau, he hails from Alabama. In fact, when he ran for the U.S. Senate, his persecution at the hands of the Yankees actually helped propel him to victory. Yep, Alabammy was whining about social justice warriors before whining about social justice warriors was cool.

And so he sat in the Senate for 20 years, accomplishing not one damn thing worth mentioning. He’s been a primary sponsor of a mere ten bills that have been signed into law in all his years on Capitol Hill, and I don’t want to diminish the significance of the Boy Scouts of America Centennial Commemorative Coin Act, or the James Madison Commemoration Commission Act, but Lyndon Johnson he ain’t.

I guess Alabama doesn’t want legislation from their legislators, they just want a goony-lookin’ southern gent to sit in the corner and tsk disapprovingly whenever a lady or a colored fellah speaks in the chamber, like Ed Begley in a long forgotten Tennessee Williams play.

Sessions was the first major national politician to lend his credibility to the Drumpf campaign, and that by itself ought to land him in at least the fourth circle of hell. But when last November’s disaster occurred, suddenly the Senator from 1940’s Pleasantville found himself in line for a goddamn cabinet post, to the lasting chagrin of America and history and decency.

During his AG confirmation hearings, Jeffy insisted past attempts to characterize him as some sort of racist monster were inaccurate and unfair*. Upon confirmation, he immediately began acting like some sort of racist monster, transforming the Justice Department into a blunt instrument designed to drag the present kicking and screaming backwards into the intolerant past. He’s pushing for maximum mandatory minimum sentences, an increase in private prison beds, a return to the failed war on drugs, and of course all the voter suppression you can eat. He’s popping up in cases Justice even party to, just to say he doesn’t think LGBT people have rights. Fucker’s even trying to use Justice’s Civil Rights Division to investigate discrimination against WHITE PEOPLE in college admissions.

Still, Ol’ Beauregard got himself into a bit of trouble lying about meeting with some Russian folks, and he pissed off his boss when he recused himself from the FBI’s Russia investigations, so maybe his days as the nation’s top law enforcement official are numbered. (You’d think that would have come sooner, what with the lawbreaking and whatnot.) But you can bet your ass he’ll spend whatever days he has remaining clearing the field for the next generation of mush-brained, subpar, caucasians. Doesn’t matter how ass-backward your beliefs are, hate the right people, and you too can become the Attorney General of the whole dang United States, (white) kids!

Long story short, if Alabama weren’t constitutionally entitled to two Senators, Jeff Sessions would’ve wound up running one of those ammo shops that refuses to sell to Muslims, spending his spare time in a rocking chair on his front porch, waiting for black kids to walk by his house so he could turn the hose on them.

He’s like the new song a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band keeps trying to work into their set, whether their audience likes it or not.

*Sessions’ Senate colleagues of both parties stumble over one another to tell us how NICE he is, as though a lifetime spent in the service of white supremacy is excusable if you tip your cap and call Susan Collins “Ma’am.”

BONUS FUN FACT: When photographed, Jeff Sessions always, ALWAYS looks like he just sat on a pie. Look it up.