American Madness Journal

 Gosh, what a fun week. It was like coming to a fork in the road at some sort of Milton Bradley Game of Life knockoff, and suddenly you realize one of the paths in front of you leads to White Supremacist Race War in America, and you really really really wish you'd...

 I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain't easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let's do this. Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite...

 Y'know, I spent a long, frustrating, and ultimately futile afternoon at the DMV yesterday, and that felt like a soothing Caribbean vacation next to the goddamn news. Plus, no residual sand in any bodily crevices. Fuck it, send me back. A federal appeals court ruled...

 Good God. Keeping up with the news these days is like dunking your head in the vomit bucket in a meth den. Well, the sooner we push through this shit, the sooner we get to shower...I see Dorito Mussolini wasted little time in turning his failed, pathetic, Stalin...

 Look, everybody and their dog already covered the “It's hard to celebrate America with kids in cages and tanks in the street” take, so I'll go the “reality got so fucked up that Mad Magazine couldn't compete anymore” route. Shit be good n’ righteously cray, is all...

 Reading the news these days is like being locked in a tank that's rapidly filling with distilled, liquid, madness, doing your damndest to evolve gills. Still, I will be goddamned if I let this fuckery ruin Olivia de Havilland's 103rd birthday for me!A federal court...

 This week's news fell out of the ugly tree & hit every single branch on the way down, & then the squirrels that live in the ugly tree took turns shitting on it. The news is buried under the poo of ugly squirrels, is what I'm telling you. So let's dig it out,...

 Y'know, we went into this presidency with expectations somewhere between “incessant shitstorm” and “the end of all human civilization,” but sometimes I still can't fathom how we arrived at the monstrosity of this moment. But then I realized, we've been receiving...

 Y’all, the history books written about this demented era are gonna need disclaimers: “No we fucking swear all this shit really happened. Yes, even Carter Page. We think people were just a whole lot dumber back then.” Let's add another volume, I guess.Well, the...

 I was several hours into reading the day's news before I realized, to my chagrin, that I had neither consumed hallucinogenic drugs nor experienced severe head trauma, and therefore all this shit was really happening. Which is a shame. Well, let's dive in. Mike Pompeo...

 This week's news reads like an issue of Mad Magazine, guest edited by H.P Lovecraft after an allergic reaction to bad shellfish. If you're reading this blog near other people, you may want to keep a pillow handy, to scream into. Well, Hairplug Himmler isn't going to...

I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn't chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I 'spose.When...

 Fucking hell, this shit is exhausting. Working through the newspaper today is like reading crappy fanfic that explores the backstories of every Nazi Indiana Jones ever knocked off a moving truck. Anyhow, if you feel like reading a bunch of stories about shitty people...

 Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can't possibly be any more bizarre than what's going on in real life, right?So, Redactor General...

It's always nice when Shithead leaves the country, isn't it? The air just smells a little cleaner, which I assume is the absence of experimental hair tonic fumes and overdone steak farts. Anyway, it looks like Customs let the fucker back in, so I guess it's back to...

Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable. Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck...

Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit. From the state Republican Party that brought you...

Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without...

Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it's trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who's next. What I'm saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating...

Hey campers, happy two-year anniversary to the Comey firing! That was nuts, wasn't it? I didn't think it was even possible for shit to get any crazier than that. But look at where we are today; the plague is back. THE PLAGUE. The plague is back because people are...

When last we met, we were in disarray, and I think we can all agree…it fucking sucks there. Traffic’s lousy, you can’t get decent pizza, and the less said about the water, the better. On second thought, let’s not go there. ‘Tis a silly place. Plus, we were able to...

Y’know, a failed assassination attempt should be the greatest thing that could ever possibly happen to a personality cult, but leave it to MAGA to make it embarrassing in less than a week. Ear diapers, you guys? Are you sure? I guess I’m worried that the guy who winds...

Having never actually been in disarray as a Dem before, I’ll confess I don’t care for it. That said, in my official capacity, as a drunken internet loudmouth in a superhero bathrobe & luchador mask, I wield little clout in the weighty debates we face, which you’ll...

Wow, what a super-fun week for left-leaning news junkies! You’re probably expecting the next CNN push notification to read, “You shoulda gotten that thing on your back checked out six months ago, oh well; also, your parents always considered you a disappointment.”...

Well, I won’t keep you long, I’m sure you’re anxious to get back to the funnest news cycle of all time. It’s doomscroller’s delight out there on the information superhighway, an all-you-can-eat buffet of sky-is-falling thinkpiecery, and admittedly…the sky has seemed...