I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn’t chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I ‘spose.

When last we spoke, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster was throwing himself a parade celebrating all the amazing concessions he won from Mexico in exchange for withdrawing his proposed tariffs, but when he called up the Nobel people to propose a special prize for Manly Dominance Over a Neighbor and Trade Partner, he was greeted with derisive Norwegian laughter* because the world quickly learned that in fact, he had backed down completely, in exchange for nothing that hadn’t been agreed to weeks earlier.

Caught in his lie, the Velveeta Vulgarian let his unfailing instinct for pathetic behavior guide him, insisting that yuh huh he got lots of concessions in the deal, really hot concessions, too, only they live in Canada, so you can’t meet them right now, maybe over summer break. But the truth is out, and now the whole world is laughing at him for declaring victory while retreating like the French Army led by Paul Reiser’s character in Aliens.

Look, bro, if it was such a big win, you wouldn’t have dumped it on a Friday night.

So, not only did the Shart Family Robinson enjoy a luxuriant European vacation at taxpayer expense, but the Large Adult Sons got so caught up in the thrill of pissing away other folks’ hard-earned money that they skipped town without paying their bar tab. Look, if you served the most famous grifters on the planet without getting a credit card up front, you don’t deserve to get paid. Like, if Fast Eddie Felson hustles you, that’s one thing; if you bet the farm going one on one with Michael Jordan, that’s your own goddamn fault.

After a couple days of media attention, the bill did wind up getting paid. Let that be a lesson: if any member of this cheap crook family owes you money, or, say, hypothetically, pledges an extravagant charitable donation they have absolutely no intention of ever following through on, your only shot is getting your story in the news. Write that shit down, y’all.

I see noted HateMosquito Milo Yadon’tgotnobookdealnomo has been appointed Grand High Asshat of the forthcoming “Straight Pride” Parade in Boston, because headline-thirsty hate-mongers of a feather march together, I suppose. Now, Milo is a lot of things, but he certainly isn’t straight, so maybe we should pick this apart, if only to work out what this gathering is really all about.

Hmmmm…what-o-what does Milo have in common with the organizers, if not sexual orientation? Have the organizers also lost a six-figure book deal due to comments praising pedophilia? Have they been banned from traveling to Australia, making this some sort of hyper-specific, We Deserve to See Kangaroos and the Sydney Opera House Up Close parade? Could it be as simple as a light stroll in honor of the loud, over-groomed, and useless?

Or, wait, gosh, and bear with me here, but MAYBE IT’S THE WHITE NATIONALISM.

The fine Republican crotchtumors in Missouri have decided that the state’s last remaining abortion clinic can stay open for now, but only if the doctors perform medically unnecessary vaginal exams on their patients, because you shouldn’t be allowed to exercise your constitutional rights without a little violation first, right? Y’know, I don’t want to seem partisan, but maybe sputtering, misogynist, shitstains legislating state-mandated sexual assault is…bad. That’s my platform, can somebody squeeze that onto a bumper sticker?

Mitt Romney is like a space alien that awkwardly tries to mimic things like “leadership” and “courage” based on what it gleaned from old episodes of F Troop, y’know? Anyway, he made quite the show of announcing that he may not endorse anyone at all in 2020, leaving the coveted “dithering milksop” vote up for grabs. Mittens is the guy who tells everybody in the Poseidon Adventure or the Towering Inferno to just hang tight, we’ll be rescued any minute now, and then forty minutes into the movie everybody who listened to him has met a grisly death.

And the Rectal Boil Administration blocked the State Department’s Bureau of Intelligence and Research from presenting testimony on climate change, because it contradicted the Bonespur Buttplug’s “official stance,” which is “Nuh UH!” Y’all don’t get to veto science, do you understand that? Like:

“Water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius!**”

“Well, ideologically, I disagree.”

“As bizarre and interesting as that may be sir, water will go right on freezing at 0 degrees, whether Mitt Romney endorses it or not, whether Rand Paul filibusters it all day long, whether Roy Moore hits on it in the food court at the mall. It’s SCIENCE. You don’t really get a say.”

So, the proto-Gestapo (and fuck no, that’s not an exaggeration) known as ICE, in their fervor to make America whiter than Stephen Miller’s ever-expanding bald spot, so white that all the spray-on hair in the world couldn’t hope to cover it, has actually lost track of the number of veterans they’ve deported. A draft-dodging valor thief, installed in office by a hostile foreign power, is kicking vets out of the country, which clearly contributes to American greatness by…well, by…HEY LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S ANDREW DICE CLAY!!! (runs away while your back is turned)

It seems a handful of aggressively subpar Nazis (redundant, I know) in Detroit got confused by the Pride parade, thinking they meant Dickless Flabby Middle-Aged Basement-Dwelling White Mediocrities Playing Dress-Up Pride, and showed up to a party at which they were decidedly unwelcome. I know I keep flirting with controversy in my usually-fair-n-balanced blog tonight, but goshdarnit, seeing Nazi flags on American streets in 2019 makes me want to puke acid.

Elaine Chao entered Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s cabinet with the reputation as one of the only competent, trustworthy, figures among that shadiest gaggle of unscrupulous creeps this side of the Dick Tracy movie, but it seems she’s caught grifter fever too, likely from a cake knife that Ryan Zinke licked at Sonny Perdue’s last birthday party, and then just set back down on the table for everybody else to use. In addition to all the skullduggery that’s already surfaced in recent weeks, seems Mrs. Yertle has repurposed the Department of Transportation into a wing of her husband’s reelection campaign, steering millions in grants to Kentucky, often for previously-rejected projects. Ne’er in all my days have I seen such a drained swamp.

A company partially owned by Walking Nepotism Warning Label Jared Kushner somehow stumbled into a mysterious $90 million investment in the time since Jar-Jar transformed from a blundering real estate heir into one of the most powerful figures in the U.S. federal government GOSH I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED. One of the really fun things here is, because the money has been filtered through the Cayman Islands, that secretive banking playground for the mega-rich, we the people have no idea just who is shoveling all this money at young Jared, (or, as he is known in international diplomatic circles, The Single Most Bribable Man Walking the Face of God’s Green Earth) or what they’re getting in return.

Last year, Emmanuel Macron and Hairplug Himmler planted a tree on the Shart House lawn, to symbolize the friendship between France and the United States, and now the tree has died, and really, how did this get past the third draft of the script? The fuckin’ FRIENDSHIP TREE died? Really? This is some lazy-ass writing, is all I’m saying.

Everyone agrees that Bulging Ragepimple Ken Cuccinelli could never get confirmed as Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services by the Senate; Democrats don’t like him because he’s a Klan-level bigot, while Republicans despise him because he raises money for wingnut primary challengers (the two parties are basically the same, y’know). But thanks to fun little loophole, Donnie Two-Scoops appointed him Acting Director, so he gets 210 whole days to hurt non-white people as much as he likes. Rejected by both his own party and the voters of his home state, this little shitweasel still gets to wield awesome political power in the name of hate, isn’t that just ducky?

Alex Jones and his outhouse-gargling website, InfoWars, having already suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of yogurt, have been vanquished once again, this time by a cartoon frog. In ten years Jones is gonna be losing fistfights to Cabbage Patch Kids in disreputable traveling circuses, while children pelt him with dimes.

Jerry Nadler’s getting so good at making William Barr back down, I think in his next congressional appearance, the AG should be made to perform tricks on command in exchange for little bone-shaped treats. Anyway, the Justice Department is turning a bunch of Mueller’s evidence over to Nadler’s House Judiciary Committee. For an administration that seems to enjoy losing in court so much, it’s refreshing to watch them lose before court for a change.

Georgia Congressdoorknob Rob Woodall, who certainly owes his hyper-narrow 2018 re-election to Brian Kemp’s extensive voter suppression efforts, proudly proclaimed to a television interviewer that he had not read the Mueller report, and would not read it in the future, because as a Republican congressmen, protecting the United States from foreign attacks is simply not his job. “No! You can’t make me!” Woodall screamed, deflecting a spoon containing the Mueller report, getting redactions all over his bib and high chair, even though Kasie Hunt made tantalizing airplane motions and noises.

Big shout-out to Somehow Even More Embarrassing Than Rob Woodall Congressdope Matt Gaetz, for his uncanny talent for redirecting any congressional hearing he participates in into an investigation of how Matt Gaetz has a wad of used chewing gum for a brain. I guess John Dean was there too, talking about Nixon or whatever, but the real star of the show was Gaetz, flinging hammer after hammer at his own crotch.

Anyway, Jim Jordan got jealous, and wanted America to laugh at his idiocy too, so he also said some things that were so dumb you wonder why his district elected a thumb to represent them in Congress.

Wow. Almost kinda light today, by 2019 standards. They must be pumping something into the asylum to keep us docile. Or maybe we’re finally returning normalcy, and by the end of the week everything will be HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I can’t even finish that thought, this is hell,

*Just regular laughter, only with more ø’s.

**Yes yes there are plenty of exceptions. Please resist the urge to get cute in the comments.