
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Better Projects Than Project 2025: Manhattan, Alan Parsons, Blair Witch…
Having never actually been in disarray as a Dem before, I’ll confess I don’t care for it. That said, in my official capacity, as a drunken internet loudmouth in a superhero bathrobe & luchador mask, I wield little clout in the weighty debates we face, which you’ll agree is for the best. What I do have is a blog dedicated to chroniclin’ the fashy shenanigans of the cringiest of all possible authoritarian death cults, and no shortage of such shenanigans to chronicle.
In fact, since the first two spectral visitations apparently weren’t enough to get through to the American electorate, we’ve received a helpful haunting from the Ghost of Fashy Shenanigans Yet to Come, in the form of Project 2025. While the Dotard insists he did not have sexual relations with that autocracy blueprint, there’s too much evidence to the contrary for even Ronny Jackson to spin.
The general idea seems to be to release a bunch of domestic terrorists, presumably directly into the jobs of those civil servants purged by the Loyalty Czar, so everybody can get started on construction of the detention camps, cuz the newly weaponized Justice Department’s gonna have all sortsa vermin n’ animals n’ enemies of the people to lock up.
“Trump comes back in January, I’ll be on his heels coming back, and I will run the biggest deportation force this country has ever seen,” said former ICE director Tom Homan at a panel on immigration policy. “They ain’t seen shit yet. Wait until 2025.”
Oh, and don’t worry, birthing vessels, the guy who won’t stop bragging about ending Roe v. Wade hasn’t forgotten about you! Project 2025 offers several creative strategies to continue chipping away at your remaining bodily autonomy rights!
Why, just take Wisconsin Congressrelic Glenn Grothman’s hand, he’ll lead you on a magical journey backwards through time to the enchanted kingdom of Nineteen Sixty, when Glenn Grothmans were kings, and game show hosts could rape whoever they wanted in peace.
I’m sure the RNC next week will be a source of great inspiration for the many theatrical designers working on revivals of Cabaret for whatever reason. Amber Rose will be there, to fête the guy Putin leads around on a leash as an “alpha male.” Numerous indicted fake electors will serve as delegates, underlining this year’s “fuck the rule of law, fuck it right in the ear” theme.
Slated to open for the Turd Emperor himself is Dana White, because who wants to be introduced by some cuck who keeps his spousal abuse confined to the privacy of his home?
Nikki Haley released her delegates, but not quite submissively enough to earn an invite, which is a shame, she mighta made some lucky incel a real nice tradwife.
Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she’s dedicating her speech to all those great, great, Founding Fathers who signed the Declaration of Independence, most especially Paul Revere, Hulk Hogan, Alexander Hamilton, Gordon Gekko, Joe Camel, “Big Jim” Monroe, Honey Boo Boo, the New Kids on the Block, and J. Jonah Jameson.
Speaking of United States Representatives who repeatedly demonstrate sub-third-grade intellects, Lauren Boebert still believes a wide variety of untrue things, and remains in possession of an odd compulsion to remind the world of that fact.
Like, all she had to do was sit back and let Joe Biden be old, but no, she climbs on top of her desk to scream REMEMBER ME I’M THE BEETLEJUICE HANDJOB LADY AND I’M ALSO AN ANTI-VAXXER SO YOU SEE MY BRAIN DOES ALL SORTS OF THINGS BADLY.
Okay. Thanks for checking in, Congresswoman.
If anybody’s in disarray, it’s the Freedumb Caucus. Primary challenges, ritual excommunications, I think I heard Bob Good curse Troy Nehls on the way out, something like, “May thy children and thy children’s children and thy children’s children’s children know naught but the madding drone of that same goddamn speech Chip Roy gives every time he sees a microphone.” Pretty harsh, if you ask me.
Every so often, these howler monkeys take a stab at actually governing the country, and it goes about as well as you’d think. Mike Johnson tried to squeeze a low-stakes spending bill past ‘em this week, which was fairly adorable.
Anna Paulina Luna’s “Pay Attention to Anna Paulina Luna Act” also narrowly failed…or did it?
Despite all the failure, the gleam we saw in Speaker Moses’ eye whilst idly daydreaming about all the immigrants he’d get to hurt in the Reich to come was borderline filthy; I imagine he received one of those Naughty Thoughts Checkup calls from his kid.
Seems poor, dumb Jimmy Comer’s been financing his impeachment inquiry with McDonald’s rewards points. Hey, you never know, this may be the year he finally catches a hot streak come Monopoly season, and if so…watch yourself, Hunter.
Stuff’s way more dignified over on the Senate side. Cucumber sandwiches were served as Republicans blocked a bill codifying Roe v. Wade protections. Coach Tuberville cut off all the crusts personally, and he only required five bandaids this time, so he’s making real progress.
Josh Hawley proclaimed himself a proud Christian Nationalist, no doubt impressing all fourteen of the Turning Point USA rejects who read his treatise on “manhood.”
Equally impressive was Susan Collins’ solemn vow to vote for neither Trump nor Biden, the latest masturbatory, brimming-with-misplaced-self-regard rationalization from the fucking GOAT.
Rapist-appointed federal Judge Joshua Kindred resigned after an investigation revealed hundreds of pages of harassing texts to clerks and other colleagues, earning an invite to Steve King’s poker game for Dudes Who Somehow Managed to Go Too Far for MAGA. Lotta pedophiles at that table. Roy Moore’s tell is he signs a high school girl’s yearbook when he has a good hand.
Rudy Giuliani’s bid to shield his precious collection of experimental hair dyes from those election workers he defamed by declaring bankruptcy failed, so let the asset seizure commence!
Off-Brand Orbán invited the Hungarian original down to Marm-a-Lago, to show off his stolen classified document collection, and seek pointers on topics ranging from dissent crushing to umbrella closing. Their buddy Vlad was supposed to lead a workshop on “Carrying Out Assassinations on Foreign Soil,” but he bailed at the last minute, reminiscent of that oft-delayed victory parade through the streets of Kyiv.
Well, let it never be said Candace Owens doesn’t stand by her man.
Somewhat regrettably, her “man,” in this instance, would be, well…Hitler.
Technically Hitler and Mengele this time, but it’s Hitler Candace likes best. Y’see, she was defending Nick Fuentes from Jordan Peterson, and OH MY GOD I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE.
Yeah, as much fun as I’m having, sifting through the push notifications about Joe’s every stammer n’ stumble, I do believe I’m going to back slowly away from the 24-hour news cycle for the remainder of the weekend, lest I get conscripted into the Peterson/Fuentes wars.
I’m thinking of enlisting with the Gay Furry Hackers, actually. I’m not gay, or a furry, or a hacker, but clowning the Heritage Foundation is a cause I can get behind, and anyway, I hear the chow’s good*.
Definitely time to start drinking. For those who’re kind enough to contribute to my delinquency, (via PayPal, Venmo, or Cash App!) know that I’ll be specifically targeting the brain cells that store the information about who Nick Fuentes is. If the beer doesn’t work, I’m open to shock therapy. But let’s try beer first.
And hey, maybe by the time I sober up we’ll be back in array. That’d be pretty fucking sweet. Either way, you stay safe out there, old chum…
* GET IT?
Wonder how many classified documents Trump just gave to Orban to be passed on to Putin?
As Will Rogers said, “I’m not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat”. Words to live by.
Please keep up the fight.
I dread the christofascist thugs that are beginning to invade Milwaukee (& surrounding suburbs). Having a business literally across the street from the airport& having the freeway spurs shut down doesn’t improve my angst. Thanks for keeping me sane, Cap
Like you, Cap, I’m sick and tired of being told every 90 seconds that Biden had a bad debate and that he’s 81. He had a bad night and he’s 81. How about the fact that the Orange Turd and his lackeys already have a blueprint for a Christo fascist America ready to go? Thank GOD that finally seems to be breaking through, and people don’t like it.
To everyone on the “Give up Joe” bandwagon I say this, profanity deliberate because I’m so sick of their defeatist crap:
Donald Trump is the same lying sack of shit he was before the debate. He’s still a rapist, still a bigot, still a racist, still a creep, still a misogynist, still a thief, still a homophobe/transphobe, and still sucking Putin off.
He’s been convicted of 34 felonies and been indicted on dozens of other charges, and guess what? Every f*cking Republican in the party is lining up to vote for this degenerate sleazeball. He raked in millions AFTER he was found guilty!
Joe has one bad debate and instead of closing ranks and backing the best president in decades, we run like the cowardly rats they say we are.
We need to get a grip, goddam it! Let’s get Joe back into the White House and take both houses of Congress. I think we can do it if we just VOTE!!
Thanks for keeping us sane, and stay safe out there!
Call me a cray-cray conspiracer, but I really have to wonder if there isn’t someone deliberately stirring the pot amongst us Democrats, trying to sew chaos and divisiveness. There is NO OTHER CANDIDATE by this point (holy Jeebus, FOUR MONTHS before the election?! Why are we freaking out over ONE STUPID DEBATE?!), other than maybe Michelle Obama (and she doesn’t want any part of it, being sensible; iirc, both Obamas have forbidden their kids to go into politics), who’d have a prayer in Hell of defeating the Off-Brand Orban and his pack of yipping wolf-wannabee rabid wiener dogs. X-P
Perhaps you can answer a question that I have had for quite some time now. Google AI hasn’t got a clue.
Why do apparently lazy journalists refer to the Republican cult as the G.O.P. (Grand Old Party)? There is nothing grand about it now that it has been taken over by the Orange Turd, and the “Old Party” certainly doesn’t make any sense, since it is obviously the “New MAGA Reich”. Yet. they persist.
I look forward to your discourse. Thank you for ALL you do – and then some.
You emphasized GOP as neither grand, and went on to put Old Party together. While that makes sense and is logical given your context, I posit the following:
Stop at Old and describe the so-called party another way. Old…as in mostly Old White Men. This is what the so-called Party is about. Old White Men and their sycophants who are afraid of losing power and having to admit to their ranks female and people of color and diversely gendered people, and disabled people. These new ones all of whom are brighter than they are, because they actually have working brain cells and want to govern.
Instead, these new and newly powerful members of the House and Senate are not petty little children throwing temper tantrums because it is just possible they might be exposed for who they are…greedy, misogynistic, xenophobic, greedy, and lazy people for whom they are. Oh boo hoo. I say, “Get over yourselves!” Old White Men. Which of course, they most certainly will not do. We shall make it all so!
**** it! First line should read “not grand” instead of neither grand. Proves once again that I am unable to proofread my own work. I really tried though. Honest!
**** it, first line should read “not grand” instead of “neither good”. This proves once again I am not capable of proofreading my own work. I tried, I really did! Honest!
My theory of why we’re still harping on Joe Biden is the media, first, last, and always. They control the narrative and most of the American MSM is owned by billionaires, most of whom are all in for fascism if it means tax breaks and deregulation. Sad how it always boils down to $. I worked in media until the mid 90s, when l could no longer stand leaving my soul at the door just to do a job. And things have gotten exponentially worse since then. It’s my belief that as November gets closer and RepubliKKKans get more antsy, things will only get worse. The Christofascists over at the Heritage Foundation badly want their Project 2025 and mainstream media will bend itself into pretzels trying to give it to them. Thankfully many people are now aware of the Nazis intentions, and if that fails, there’s always the legion of American voters still highly pissed off about things like losing their reproductive rights and civil liberties.
Thanks, Cap. Right on target this morning with lots of chuckles. I’m in too much disarray to actually laugh right now. Great job of making the past week worth looking at a second time.
GOP stands for God’s Own Party. In Arabic that’s “Hezbollah.”
You can openly oppose the #HeritageFoundation, did you know that? The Heritage Foundation is not permitted to publish political manifestos or engage in political activity as a 501c3 organization. To contest their tax-exempt status, you can download Project 2025 in PDF format from the website, attach it to IRS Form 13909, and submit it.
This is EIN 23-7327730 for them.
The only weapon is money. This is your second revolution in America. This very moment. Filing doesn’t take very long. #Project2025 is longer..