
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hide Your Sofas & Loveseats, It’s JD Vance!
When last we met, we were in disarray, and I think we can all agree…it fucking sucks there. Traffic’s lousy, you can’t get decent pizza, and the less said about the water, the better. On second thought, let’s not go there. ‘Tis a silly place.
Plus, we were able to sublet our Airbnb to the Trump/Vance campaign, and at a substantial markup, too. “You mean we have to make a positive case for our candidate now? B-but he’s a rapist and a felon with the worst economic record since Hoover! He can’t even operate a fucking umbrella for pity’s sake! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiir!”
Shoot, even a bonafide assassination attempt barely propelled the Dotard to a post-convention bounce as tiny and ineffectual as his stunted baby hands. Perhaps Hulk Hogan is less effective than his pro wrestling win-loss record would indicate.
Shit, it took Kamala Harris all of ten minutes to send Donnie One-Term scampering off to hide, like some Missouri Senator fleeing a mob of cosplaying incels. I suppose if my greatest intellectual achievement was passing a cognitive test, I wouldn’t want to debate a prosecutor, either.
Some Republican leaders begged their rank and file white resentment cultists to refrain from launching racist and/or sexist attacks on the Vice President, while others advocated more realistic approaches, like boiling the ocean, getting a bunch of toothpaste back inside the tube, or training an all-feline synchronized swim team.
Good luck with that. We’re talking about people whose token Black friend is a Holocaust denier. When they shriek “DEI HIRE,” they expect to be lauded for not using the word they really wanted to. When they bellow “SPIRIT OF JEZEBEL,” they…hell, I have no fucking clue what that means, these people don’t live in the same zip code as sanity.
Anyway, I guess Laura Loomer didn’t get the memo. (Laura seems to be aiming for some sort of Guinness indecency record this week, so don’t click any of these links if you’ve eaten recently.)
Compounding Cult45’s troubles, their newly minted vice presidential nominee has somehow already managed to define himself to the electorate as not just a regressive misogynist weirdo, but one who fucks couches.
I guess nobody on the vetting committee bothered to look at footage of JD (or whatever he’s calling himself these days) speaking before he lurched onstage with his excuse-me-sir-are-you-legally-permitted-to-be-this-close-to-a-playground beard to trigger the nation’s gag reflex, because his historically shitty first impression approval ratings are hardly surprising to anyone who has.
Honestly, the sheer volume of sickening drivel that’s tumbled out of that sofa-humping freak’s mouth over the course of his yearslong quest to pander his way into the highest echelons of the death cult priesthood amounts to an embarrassment of opposition research riches. Have fun defending it, losers.
See, the smug “childless cat ladies” line earns that initial rage click, opening the door to a whole, wide world of genuinely repellant deviancy from the theocrat crackpot who got expelled from the He-Man Woman Haters Club for skeeving the other fellas out*. Menstrual surveillance. Higher taxes for non-breeders. Federal intervention preventing red state women from traveling to obtain their fundamental bodily autonomy rights. Legitimately creepy shit.
To say nothing of the unlawful carnal knowledge of unsuspecting furniture. I can’t believe I have to say this in 2024, but couches can’t consent. Obviously. And I know we’re all having fun with our memes, but the national security implications here are no laughing matter. What happens when Lavrov offers a comely Slavic sectional to “decorate” the new VP’s office? I fear JD would spill our nation’s most highly guarded secrets, in addition to his…y’know what, let’s not finish that sentence.
For a dork so festooned with political anchors, Vance has somehow convinced himself that what the Left will attack him for is…drinking Diet Mountain Dew, because there’s no reason each and every aisle in the grocery store can’t become a new front in the culture war, if you’re only willing to bludgeon your own brain to atoms.
Now, word on the street is Off-Brand Orbán has come down with a severe case of Hillbilly Buyer’s Remorse, since he almost certainly had the MRA vote sewn up already, “with the rapes, right?” as the polls tighten and the narrative slips through the abovementioned baby fingers.
Still, even though the momentum has shifted, I’m worried we’re doing our own veepstakes wrong. C’mon you guys, nobody’s even dressing like the candidate, (and I think Tim Walz in particular would absolutely rock a Dolce & Gabbana pantsuit) let alone comparing her to Hitler!
We could ask Aaron Sorkin’s opinion on who should round out the ticket, but I believe he’s still in timeout. (“Timeout” meaning “locked inside a pet carrier, strapped to the roof of some forgotten automobile, in the furthest corner of the car elevator.”)
Anyway, the New Softness Unity Tour keeps on unifyin’ folks, give or take the odd opening act threatening civil war. I imagine disabled Americans’re feeling extra unified, knowing the GOP candidate believes they “should just die.” And once they’re finished unifying with the notoriously swingy People Who Think Hannibal Lecter is Real demographic, look out.
Generally, I’m feeling rejuvenated and optimistic, but what if all we’ve done this week is waltz right into Andy Ogles’ carefully prepared trap? The Appliance Wars veteran was standing by with articles of impeachment, backed by an absolutely airtight case, linking Vice President Harris to pizzagate, frazzledrip, and Hunter Biden’s laptop, plus…um…she laughs, which I guess is bad for whatever reason? SPIRIT OF JEZEBEL, y’all!
Was Tangerine Idi Amin struck by a would-be assassin’s bullet, or shrapnel? The truth may be hidden from the nation forever, behind an ear diaper and the performative outrage of Doctor-no-more Ronny Jackson, likely because some presumptuous nurse wrote the sloppy old fop’s real weight down on the intake form. Well, if you can’t trust the Candyman, who can ya trust?
Vertebra-deficient former governor Nikki Haley futilely ordered the group Haley Voters for Harris to cease and desist behaving as though she meant any of those objectively true things she said about her felonious opponent on the primary campaign trail, when she referred to him as, among other things, “unhinged,” “not qualified,” and “a turd that can talk (but just barely).”
A new CBO score indicates carpetbagging sex pest Lauren Boebert’s proposed amendment, to reduce the salary of any federal employee who mocks carpetbagging sex pest Lauren Boebert to one dollar would balance the federal budget, with enough left over for Beetlejuice tickets, but it was nevertheless rejected by a bipartisan majority unwilling to undermine such a beloved national pastime.
Mike Lee fell for yet another obviously satiric internet hoax, this time about former President Carter dying, (Jimmy’s still got houses to build, folks) but don’t worry, it’s not like he’s responsible for writing laws the rest of us have to follow or anything.
Whatever the Lügenpresse may’ve reported, I think it’s clear what Elon meant was that he’d be donating $45 million…worth of boosts to Catturd’s tweets every month. Apologies for any confusion.
Okay, I’m gonna spend the rest of my weekend toasting Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., which will surely take every drop of beer in the Greater Chicago Area. If you’ve got PayPal, Cash App or Venmo, your donation can finance this drunken internet loudmouth’s gratitude bender, and perhaps even any superhero bathrobe dry cleaning fees that may result. Or, follow @john_luzar and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com for free!
Even the beer goes down smoother when you’re back in array, have you noticed that? Stay safe out there, my friend…
*Plus those stains on the chaise lounge in the treehouse were never explained.
😹😹😹 … 😹😹😹 Oh the amazingly hysterical visual I just got. I laughed so hard I snorted coffee. I’m a proud cat lady of 2 cats… and “ Training an all-feline synchronized swim team” totally did me in. Absolutely perfect Cap! Thanks for the laugh and this weeks humor and snark. It always puts things in perspective. Strangely this week has been kind of cool hasn’t it? Not a lot of the tangerine seen or heard from and the silence is golden. Go have those well earned beers 🍺🍻
“Y’know, let’s not finish that sentence…” LOL! Thanks again for the charming diversion, Cap.
What is it with Repugs and couches? Shades of Madison Cawthorn there.
I wanna know why Vance’s hot & educated wife has anything to do with him. both her parents are Indian, I might assume she is of a high caste (I probably hve no idea what I’m talking about). Weird. The groper women r weird. On the other hand the Indian culture seems oddly misogynistic tho they’ve had a female PM. Insight plz.
Andy Ogles’ is a grifting ghoul of the lowest order. He used pictures of his stillborn child to raise money for a memorial garden that never got built. He just kept the money.
I can’t even begin to imagine the horror show in his sick mind.
Thanks Cap! I can’t even…
Research shows that J.D. Vance (or whatever his name is this week) never WROTE in his book that he had sex with a sofa, but that’s not proof that he didn’t …
Keep up the good work, Cap!
The sofa sex story has been debunked. But not the one about Whatsisname googling dolphin porn. This is going to be a delightful summer. Drink!
Omg, I laughed so much while reading this! Thanks, Cap!
I also was struck by the question of what someone would think if they read this 10 years ago! 90% of what’s going on these days is totally crazy. Couches, Beetlejuice, Catturd… like, wtf?!!!
Another week in review made palpable by Cap’s unique and consistently hilarious take. Don’t get alcohol poisoning celebrating, Cap. 🍻 We need you.
Maybe the fun is just beginning with JD, formerly known as J.D “He was born as James Donald Bowman. Grew up in Middleton, Ohio suburbs. Not poor at all. Changed middle name to David. Changed name again to Jimmy Hamel. Changed name to JD Vance 10 years ago when he married his wife.” A rose, sez I, by any other name…
Thanks so much, Cap. Really needed the laughs this week. You are the best.
The summer of Donnie’s Discontent the history books shall name it. President Biden did the right thing to save democracy in America, and President Harris will strengthen it.
Cap, you are a pillar of truth, humor and sarcasm. Carry on, brother.
“Christians, get out and vote just this time. You won’t have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what? It will be fixed. It will be fine. You won’t have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians.”
Crime Lord and Rapist Trump promises a permanent dictatorship with help from the God Warrior Christians who are on the March. Someone must stop the Jooz Lazer Beams and to regain White Supremacy based on the Bible. Our children need to be indoctrinated to believe The Jooz and Liberals did kill Jesus, but not the Romans. And give to God what is God’s but most of all give to Caesar what is Caesar’s which is everything. By the way, there is no Democracy in the Bible or in the Vatican. But some of the Christians did murder Witches and stole their property and Christians murdered heretics and stole their property. And the Crusades were not successful when Christians tried to steal more property. Just saying, the Christian Bible Nuts do not approve of heathen Democracy. Their All Powerful God in the Sky wants to end the inconvenience of letting the ungodly, especially women, actually vote.
(Pledges to Delta Tau Chi wait in a dark room as their names are announced.)
Bluto says “Your Delta Tau Chi name is…Gopher. Gopher some beer, Gopher.”
“Thank you, Sir!”
“JD, we gave your name a lot of thought and we reached consensus on this one pretty quickly. You Delta Tau name is ‘Shitty Neckbeard, the Couch Fucker’. We’ll call you ‘Couch Fucker’ for short. Welcome to Delta Tau Chi, Couch Fucker.”
“Why ‘Couch Fucker’, Bluto?’
“Why not? If you don’t like it, go get paddled by Neidermeier.”
Brilliant.
Q: What is JD Vance’s favorite side dish?
A: Couch Potatoes.
Q: What is JD Vance’s favorite movie?
A: Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragshow
Q: What did JD Vance say when asked how the campaign is doing?
A: So fa, so good.
Q: What was JD Vance’s favorite campaign stop?
A: Davenport, Iowa.
Q: Mr. Vance, did you really have sex with a sofa?
A: Could you couch that question differently?
Q: What did JD Vance say to a baby?
A: Couchie, couchie coo!
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.