So you’re not a big fan of the white text on a black background look, huh?

Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It's been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter's sheets drenched in terror sweat.  Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate.  Or a beer.  I'm having a beer....

I remember being a kid, going on camping trips...we'd gather around the fire, make s'mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we'd read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant...

Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge. Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT...

Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You've earned your brew tonight.” Others...I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that's accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days...

Hey there, Shower Captives! I'm in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don't even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I'm mostly just cranky. ...maybe the news will cheer me up. Boy, we...

You know how sometimes in old westerns, towards the end, the bad guys break out a bigass crank-operated Gatling gun? The news this week is like one of those guns, only full of bat guano. Mick Mulvaney chided a group of bankers for not bribing Congress hard enough,...

Well shit, folks, I got half a dozen push notifications about some fancy British lady living large on public funds squeezing out a baby, so it must be a slow fucking news day, right? Wonder if there's even anything worth blogging about... Boy, that House Republican...

Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I'm sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting...

Holy hell, folks. It’s like America moved into a giant cave, filled with bats, and they're just showering layer after layer of batshit insanity down upon our weary heads. Well. Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for another installment. Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin...

Today we learned that the hand dryers in public restrooms have literally been blowing hot shit all over us for our entire lives. If there's a more perfect metaphor for life in America under Donald Trump, I shudder to imagine it. John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache...

Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit's so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac?  It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it? I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained...

DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk. So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux...

In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the...

I tell ya folks, as more and more of my life gets packed up into boxes (moving soon), I have fewer and fewer distractions from the daily news horrorshow. My life is down to me, some spoons, and Donald Trump right now, and I kinda hate it. Wilbur Ross woke up just long...

Gosh, it's been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I've barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin! Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your...

Looking at my Facebook page, I discovered that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the first post in the series that would eventually become this blog. Things were kinda nutty that day, and I wrote “this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever...

Days like this, I have to wonder if I'm in the Matrix, y'know? Hey, if I'm in the Matrix, and you're reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing? Since superheroes...

Well, I've finally reached the point where blogging about the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news actually prevents me from keeping up with the never-ending barrage of batshit crazy news. I swear, not ten minutes after I got the last post up, that story broke...

Y'know, I figured I'd take a couple days off, detox from the never-ending cray-cray news infusion. I come back and find both Toys R' Us and Stephen Hawking died? What the fuck? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS, CAN I? Only in this Monkeys Forever Throwing...