Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Maybe Instead of Preening “Correspondents,” We Should Have Some Fucking JOURNALISTS.
Hey there, Shower Captives! I’m in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don’t even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I’m mostly just cranky.
…maybe the news will cheer me up.
Boy, we keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don’t we? There was a man who knew how to be President! He respected our allies, he upheld our institutions, he didn’t stock the federal government with petty crooks desperate to loot the country down to the lint in the sock drawers. And oh yeah, he never blurted out the kind of embarrassing garbage that makes you stop taking your racist grandpa out to dinner.
Not so with the current guy! No, the Velveeta Vulgarian can’t help himself, he has to belch up up some shit about how “tough to watch” the Paralympics are. Uuuuuuuugh, wait in the car, Grandpa! You know what’s tough to watch, you gurgling ostomy bag? Your empty, vapid, stare coming from behind the Resolute desk. I don’t know how I manage to keep any food down at all.
The NRA is sorting through documents in preparation for an expected investigation into their relationship with sanctioned Russian government official Alexander Torshin. Of COURSE the Russians invest in the National Scrotumlicking Rifle Association! “Americans support an organization that facilitates the deaths of other Americans on a massive scale? Dmitri, what have we done to deserve such luck?”
And to the surprise of no one whose brain isn’t currently being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight made-in-Gina red baseball cap, the lawyer who offered Anus Cancer, Jr. a couple of e-mails and half a tube of Hostess powdered donuts to betray his country did indeed turn out to be a Kremlin-connected Russian “informant.” Good lord, it’s like dropping an Owen Wilson character into the middle of an Ian Fleming novel.
Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his team of Collaborating, America-hating, GOP CongressFucks released their bullshit “report” dutifully clearing Boss Treasonweasel of all wrongdoing. “We found no evidence of collusion with the Russians, even after months of strenuously avoiding talking to anyone or looking into anything that might actually be relevant to our investigation,” reads the report, “I don’t think you understand how hard that is. You really have to commit to burying your head in the sand. Fuck, the President confesses to a new crime on Twitter practically every week. Poor Tom Rooney stuffed a wad of cotton so far up his ear he can’t get it out!”
Looks like Dr. Ronny Jackson will not only not be the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs, he will also not be the President’s Official Doctor and Weight Liar-Abouter anymore. It would probably be good if the dude nicknamed “Candyman” were also stripped of prescription-writing powers. Actually, Dr. Ronny seems to have a whole lotta changes he needs to make.
Meanwhile, the Candycorn Skidmark has chosen to use the whole sordid episode to go after Montana Senator Jon Tester for having the temerity to actually carry out his constitutionally mandated oversight duties. I’m sure Tester’s quaking in his boots at the prospect of facing off against the dude who lost the Alabama Senate race…twice.
Not so very long ago, Shart Garfunkel and French President Emmanuel Macron planted a tree on the White House lawn, promising to nurture it with the waters of friendship and the fertilizer of dandruff. But now it is gone. No doubt, Littlefinger had it relocated to the bathroom in the Executive Residence, where he can pee on it while sobbing “why don’t they love me the way they love you, you handsome bastaaaaaaaard?!?!”
I feel like Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has already thrown six or seven victory parties for himself over North Korea. One of the first rules of negotiation is, after all, “Demand credit before you’ve accomplished anything,” and the Shart of the Deal far prefers basking in praise to earning it.
Look folks. All indications are, the North Koreans’ nuclear test site was damaged, and they’re playing up their misfortune as a magnanimous gesture to “suspend testing” mostly to feed a certain easily-manipulated narcissist’s fragile ego. And, because self-awareness seems to be for CUCKS, it’s totally working.
And now the spittle-drenched maniacs in Cult45 want to give their Fetid Custard Idol the goddamn Nobel Peace Prize! I’ll offer up this compromise: if you wanna add a Nobel for duping rubes, Orange Julius Caesar can have it. For life. It’s his one true talent. Not sure the guy who dropped the Mother of All Bombs solely to stimulate his withered old man junk deserves to be hailed as a peacemaker.
I see the murderous loons at the National Rifle Association have banned guns from their convention while Dorito Mussolini and Mike Pants speak. DON’T YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT AND HIS CREEPY LITTLE CULTIST BUDDY TO BE SAFE, NRA? I WAS TOLD ONLY THE PRESENCE OF FUCKTONS OF GUNS CAN PROTECT ANYONE.
Folks, we’ve been through a lot since November, 2016. It’s been one bowling ball after another, propelled via howitzer, directly into our collective crotch. In spite of the unrelenting assaults, we’ve managed to hang tough. To fight back. To persist.
But I worry we’ve finally reached the end of our rope.
For you see, on Saturday night, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner…and this is hard to even type…a comedian…TOLD A JOKE.
And judging from the D.C. press’ reaction, this is the worst thing to happen in all of human history and we can probably sweep Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons up in there, too. Michelle Wolf called Sarah Huckabee Sanders a liar, which seems fair on account of the unusually large number of lies she tells, but because Wolf also said “eye shadow,” her joke magically became more offensive than all the families ripped apart by ICE wrapped in all the victims of white supremacist violence inspired by our Garbage Grand Wizard Grifter in Chief. Because…priorities.
Stockholm Syndrome is real, and gaslighting works, because the White House press corps circled the wagons around the woman who does everything in her power, day in and day out, to destroy them. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like watching a bunch of chickens swarm all over somebody who’s only trying to get rid of the ax.
Folks, Sarah Slanders regularly assaults the very freedom of the American press. She is literally an ENEMY OF FREEDOM. She collects a taxpayer-funded salary to espouse shamefully anti-American ideals. She is not misguided, she is not in over her head, she is a bad person with evil intentions. Once we’ve finally pried our beautiful country out of these petty fascists’ claws, SHS will take her place alongside Joe McCarthy as one of America’s great villains.
Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin held another Klan rally in front of the shittiest people Washington, MI could scrape off the pipes in the local sewage treatment plant. He got a room full of hateful idiots to boo and hiss at the mere mention of the word “Hispanic,” but yeah, Michelle Wolf is the dastardly obstacle to unity.
I see Stormy Daniels filed an oven-fresh defamation lawsuit against President Crotchvoid. All these lawsuits could present a major problem for our notoriously strapped-for-cash President. I bet Stormy winds up putting a lien on the Secret Service’s port-a-parties down at Marm-a-Lago to collect her settlement.
Hey look, Marco Rubio seems to have noticed that the tax bill he voted for hasn’t trickled down to the American worker, except perhaps in the form of the occasional plutocrat derisively pissing on the serf class they strive to own outright like property.
Marco’s all “Holy shit, we gave rich people a shit ton of money, and somehow they didn’t hand it out to those less fortunate out of the goodness of their hearts.” If Rubio were the sort of man who tended towards serious critical thought, this could be the start of a period of reflection leading him to question the fundamental tenets of modern conservatism, but since he’s just an empty shirt with an entirely unearned reputation, he’ll probably just Netflix a couple of Ninja Turtle cartoons and pass out on the sofa.
Rand Paul sold out his super-principled opposition to Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State because the Poo Mistake promised him he’d pull our troops out of Afghanistan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh FUCK, Rand. When it comes to “giving his word,” the President is basically a stale Cheeto in the shape of a monkey’s paw. If, after several decades’ worth of demonstrable dishonesty, you still trust anything that drops out of that goon’s mouth, well…I just hope you’ll give me a call so we can discuss some really fantastic real estate opportunities I’d like to share with you.
Did you skim that WaPo article about how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet places personal loyalty over silly little things like “qualifications” in filling important executive branch jobs? It’s kind of darkly humorous if can avoid thinking about the real-world consequences. And if you can’t, it’s absolutely fucking terrifying.
That’s just the catch-22 our modern moment deserves, isn’t it? Surely anyone willing to pledge loyalty to such a pathetic blob of projectile insecurity as Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “My father didn’t love me, WILL YOU?”) is totally unworthy to serve in a position of any significant responsibility, buuuuuuuuuuuuut…
The EPA gave Trumpal Buddy Carl Icahn a “financial hardship waiver” from a biofuels law, and I for one am glad we’re finally doing something to address the trials and tribulations of billionaire assholes who would rather be buried in coffins full of money than share anything ever.
Oh, and we learned the Shart Campaign has been paying Michael Cohen’s legal bills, even though everyone’s claimed the Fantabulous Fixer didn’t have anything to do with the campaign! Such philanthropy! And by “philanthropy” I mean “witness-tampering!”
Roy Moore has filed a lawsuit against three of his accusers, for conspiracy to derail his political career by being so enticing as minors that he just couldn’t stop himself from sexually assaulting them. The Judge should bring this to its logical conclusion, and sue his younger self for creepin’ on all those high school girls, maybe we can get a nice Star Trek-style time travel episode next season.
Because the most powerful gathering of people in the world operates like a middle school lunch room, General Kelly’s enemies leaked to the press that Johnny called Donnie an “idiot” behind his back, and also “unhinged” and a “doo-doo head” and a “disgusting freak who wants to fuck his own daughter” and I was holding out hope for “shartcannon,” but I guess my humble blog hasn’t reached the Oval Office…YET.
And President Truck Stop Urinal Cake’s acting ICE director announced his retirement, desiring to spend his remaining time on Earth absorbing as much pleasure and peace as possible, before he’s dragged into the deepest circle of hell for his many crimes. There’s some Inquisition shit waitin’ for you, Fuck-o.
The Failing New York Times got ahold of a list of questions Rugged Robert Mueller allegedly wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk. There’s some interesting shit here, from pardons to obstruction to one particular question, which would first involve Mueller grabbing the President’s tiny, inadequate, hands, in order to force him to strike himself in his own face, at which point the Special Counsel would demand “Why are you hitting yourself, Donald?”
Fuck it, I can’t take one more minute of this shit. It’s NyQuil time, campers. I’ll see y’all about noon on Wednesday.
Sorry you’re not feeling well, Cap. However, it didn’t stop you from gleaning some good ol’ fashioned sarcasm, as usual, from the never-ending comedy of errors that is trying to destroy America. (The Resistance will win in the end, though.) Thanks for hanging in there and I know you will be feeling better soon.
Get better, Cap! NyQuil isn’t as good as hallucinogens but it’s a bit more economical. Thanks for keeping us sane again by trying to guess how many names you’ll come up with for the orange pretender who took over the WH.
Thanks for making me laugh. I feel like I’m losing it.
Hope you feel better, now that you showered us down again from the grim reality of the present. You are much appreciated and keep up the good slog to ease our