Just when you think shit can’t get any crazier, enter Rudy Giuliani. Like you’re making soup out of cat food, used toothbrushes, and broken glass, and you decide something’s missing so you add a whole bunch of meth.

Fuck it, let’s get through this before I pass out.

Former Drumpf Doctor/Howard Hesseman Character Harold Bornstein says Tangerine Idi Amin sent some goons to his office to steal the President’s medical records, especially the ones that revealed his blood type to be KFC gravy. Oh, and that note Dr. B allegedly wrote during the campaign? The one that said Donnie was the healthiest, sexxxiest, normal-handsiest fellow to ever seek the Presidency? Yeah, Shartboy dictated that himself, I know you’re stunned.

So yeah, fraudulent medical records, and a touch of breaking and entering…dunno if this cracks the Top 40 Drumpf scandals list, but Casey Kasem will have the weekly countdown Sunday morning!

Anyhow, Bornstein will be nominated to run the VA by next Wednesday.

A handful of the feral treasonweasels in the House Freedom Caucus are making noises (little squeaky weasel noises) about impeaching Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein for the high crime of Doing His Job. Rowdy Roddy snapped back that the Department of Justice “is not going to be extorted,” except for maybe the parts Jeff Sessions isn’t recused from, you could probably extort those because Ol’ Beauregard is a petty, dishonest, worm of a man, who always, ALWAYS looks like he just sat on a pie.

We all know President Gas Station Urinal Cake is driven primarily by an all-consuming envy of his predecessor, so it must give him great pleasure to finally find a metric where he’s outdoing Obama!

Yeah, Ol’ Barack saw the uninsured rate drop steadily during his tenure, but the Candycorn Skidmark has that number on the rise again! And congratulations to the 3.2 million Americans who once again find themselves one medical emergency away from financial ruin! MAGA!

Rolling Stone reports that Michael Cohen, that Fraudulent Fixer with Flair, used to make his money helping clients stage fake car accidents in order to sue insurance companies! Oddly, the experience has not helped him navigate the ten-car pileup his life has become.

Cohen looked like he was in REALLY deep shit earlier today, when NBC reported his phones had been tapped, and the feds had even intercepted a call with the White House. But then it turned out the investigation didn’t have a wiretap, but rather a “pen-register,” which is just one more legal term we didn’t have to know before the electoral college installed a mob boss in the Oval Office, kinda like “emoluments,” or the difference between being a “subject” of an investigation versus a “target.”

The Trump era may be a horrific, never-ending assault on the fundamental norms of American democracy, but hey, at least it’s educational.

Disgraced former HHS secretary Tom Price accidentally let it slip that the GOP’s repeal of Obamacare’s individual mandate will harm consumers by jacking up prices, which we already knew but honesty on this particularly topic is always shocking, coming from a Republican. Price quickly backtracked, insisting what he MEANT to say was, “If I’d known what Scott Fucking Pruitt would be able to get away with, I never woulda resigned in the first place, paying for your own flights sucks.”

Vice President Mike Pants praised Former American Concentration Camp Commandant Joe Arpaio as a “champion of…the rule of law,” apparently having forgotten that little thing where he’d be in jail right now if he hadn’t been given a Presidential pardon by a certain bloated orange oaf. Mikey Hairshirt went on to tout the Kool-Aid Man for his lifelong support of the fine art of masonry.

Earlier this week, smokey-eyed fibber Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement reading, “Iran has a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program,” an accusation that not only contradicts all publicly available intelligence findings, but directly accuses Iran of violating the terms of the famous nuclear deal negotiated while Obama was President, BUT a couple hours later the Shart House was all, “Did we say HAS, cuz we meant HAD, sorry if we set off any international incidents with our laziness, but attention to detail is FOR CUCKS.

Seriously, these people are gonna accidentally start WWIII and try to tweet their way out of responsibility for it…”We meant LUNCH is at 11:30!”

In a massive victory for digital information security, Cambridge Analytica announced it will be shutting down, ridding the world of its scourge once and for – HAHAHAHAH don’t be silly, the Mercers and their merry band of democracy-wrecking fuckwads already founded a new company, called “Emerdata,” so as to shift their troll-feeding, fake-news-spreading operations to a squeaky-clean, non-toxic new brand, kind of like how Blackwater doesn’t exist anymore but it totally does.

Looks like the Shart House will be reversing an Obama-era order requiring annual reports on the civilian casualties of our overseas military operations. I can’t say I’m surprised. If they’re working so hard to hide Fat Q*Bert’s tax returns, and even his real weight from us, you really think they’re gonna share the murder list?

Former Shart Campaign advisor Michael Caputo is shaking his fist in impotent fury that his association with a criminal enterprise has cost him so much money! Poor lil’ fellah! Is there a way to set up a crowdfunding site, only instead of money everybody kicks in dog poop and derisive laughter?

Looks like Team Traitor is so convinced the Mueller probe is just a big ol’ witch hunt they’re bribing Ukraine with anti-tank missile sales to get ‘em to stop cooperating with the investigations into Paul Manafort’s various acts of international fuckery.

Kinda neat, isn’t it, having the nation’s foreign policy animated by the desperate ass-covering needs of a cheap crook? I look forward to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve being drained to cover Don the Con’s mounting legal bills.

Ty Cobb is taking his ridiculous facial hair and going home, or at least back on the Colonel Sanders commercial audition circuit. Considering the turn the President’s legal defense would take mere hours later, I imagine Cobb spent so much time high-fiving himself for his perfect timing that he broke several knuckles.

Rudy Giuliani said he could negotiate an end to the Mueller investigation in a few weeks, and we all laughed at him. But since he’s apparently chosen a strategy of “Go on television and confess to committing a whole bunch of crimes,” maybe Rudy’s crazy like a fox after all?

YES, Donald paid Cohen back the $130,000 in hush money, and YES he fired James Comey when Comey wouldn’t say he wasn’t a target of the investigation, and YES he killed Vince Foster, now who wants to come back to my place and watch the pee tape?

Yet somehow, Rudy feels justified in comparing FBI agents to “stormtroopers” for investigating this shit. Oh, and he wants Jeff Sessions to prosecute the investigators. Seems Mayor 9-11 has his own plans to destroy America. He’ll obliterate the very rule of law in this nation, and for what? A ten-cent crook who uses weekly golf vacations to skim a few million out of the U.S. Treasury? Jesus.

A judge ruled Shart Garfunkel’s shitty little name can come down off yet another building. The New York condo announced plans to rebrand as “Hillary Won the Popular Vote and Everyone Hates You” Place.

I’d LOVE to hear Eric Greitens describe the scenario where everything works out for him, and he goes on to a long and fruitful career in politics. Accused not only of an unusually reprehensible set of sex crimes, but of stealing a donor list from veterans’ charity, and now, we learn, setting a staffer up to take the fall, with bipartisan pressure to just go the fuck away, HOW DOES THIS WIND UP GOING YOUR WAY, BRO? Do you think you’re Michael Douglas in The Game? Because that is literally your last, best, hope at this point.

I’m pretty sure Scott Pruitt is actually a set of identical triplets. There’s no other explanation, no one man has enough TIME to fit this much corruption into his life. So like, Pruitt #1 went to Morocco on a lobbyist-arranged trip, while Pruitt #2 stayed home in Oklahoma to purchase a house with a different lobbyist, and Pruitt #3 just locked himself in the sound-proof booth, furiously masturbating to his ever-growing collection of first-class in-flight magazines.

To put a big fat maraschino cherry on the sundae of scandal, one of Scotty’s thuggish little aides is apparently pushing dirty stories about fellow grifter Ryan Zinke in the hopes that the press will maybe let a couple of Pruitt’s 649 known crimes slide to page twelve.

You really can’t make this shit up. I mean that. This is officially beyond any fiction writer’s imaginative capacity. By June, we’re gonna learn the EPA is running a clandestine organ-smuggling ring, and fucking Drumpf STILL won’t fire him. A couple of his henchmen resigned, though…I’m sure they’ll be on Julian Assange’s embassy couch soon enough.

That House chaplain that Paul Ryan forced out for suggesting the poor ought not be mulched has un-resigned, in a lengthy letter calling out the Speaker for sending a bigoted lackey to force him out in the first place. Ryan folded almost immediately, because, like all bullies, he’s a coward at heart.*

And Bashful Bob Mueller’s office filed a request for 70, yes SEVENTY blank subpoenas, which is good because he’s so hard to shop for and I don’t think I have his taste in neckties pegged correctly.

Mueller is also looking into interactions between Confessed Felon Rick Gates and Famed Windbag Roger Stone. Stone, who had the foresight to publicly brag about many of the crimes being investigated, seems to be relying heavily on the “I was just jokingly making stuff up what a funny coincidence all this is” defense, which is frankly hilarious at this point.

Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship really wants that Shitty Drumpf Base vote in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary, so he released an ad attacking Mitch McConnell for having a “China family,” and holy shit dude, in this age of Stephen Miller and Richard Spencer, it’s hard to actually be shockingly racist, but you pulled it off. Also, fuck you for making Yertle look like the good guy.

And now Roy Moore wants to run for Alabama Governor again? I guess there weren’t many spots available for “Celebrity Pedophile” on the reality teevee circuit. Well, you gotta keep busy, right? And when you’re already banned from the mall…

Well, that’s all I got for tonight, unless Rudy called in to Hannity to say Littlefinger uses the Lindbergh baby as a paperweight on his desk or something.

*Obviously, Speaker Ryan has no “heart,” per se, but “coward at the cavernous void located in his otherwise empty rib cage” just doesn’t flow.