Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Oh Rudy, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH?
Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I’m sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting equipment is tricky business.
Now that Larry Kudlow has failed upwards from TV to the highest halls of political power, BOY is he ever gettin’ a mouth on him! He went after Nikki Haley, saying she got confused, like womenfolk do, about Russia sanctions, and then Haley stepped on his neck and made him say “uncle,” which I’m told was a shameful thing to say under duress in times gone by.
Some sections of the internet eagerly proclaimed Haley a feminist hero, apparently forgetting who it is she fucking works for, and whose policies she spends her days implementing.
To drive the point home, let’s check in on what the Trump/Haley United Nations crew has been up to, shall we? Oh, they’re pushing massively regressive anti-women’s-rights policies straight out of Mike Pants’ dream journal? NEAT!
Spare me the Noble Nikki takes, is all I’m saying.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicked a puppy and dipped his withered old man balls in the fondue pot, and god knows what else in his ongoing quest to become the most disliked man on the planet. To that end, he says he won’t even allow a bill protecting the Mueller investigation on the floor, TAKE THAT DEMOCRACY!
But Chuck Grassley is pushing the bill through committee anyhow, setting up a showdown between two of the Senate’s shittiest prunes. How will they settle their differences? Murder, She Wrote trivia?
Oh, and Yertle’s looking at extending the Senate work week, so vulnerable red state Democrats won’t have time to campaign back home. How ’bout we show him what we’re made of, toss a little spare cash to Joe Donnelly, Heidi Heitkamp, and Joe Manchin, so they can ride that sweet sweet blue wave to new six-year terms?*
Three parents of victims of the Sandy Hook shooting are suing Screechy Hate Poppet Alex Jones for defamation, apparently ungrateful for the way Jones’ conspiracy-mongering has enriched their lives with the gift of Death Threats From Maniacs. Hope you take him for every fucking thing he owns, down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair.
If Sean Hannity worked at any news outlet on the planet, he would’ve lost his job for covering the Michael Cohen raid without disclosing that he’s one of Cohen’s clients-except-not-really-but-trust-me-all-our-discussions-are-super-privileged-even-though-he’s-in-no-way-my-lawyer. Luckily for Sean, he works for Fux “Nooz,” so the extent of his discipline will fall somewhere between Jack Shit and You Have to Eat All the Mr. Goodbars When We Buy a Hershey’s Miniatures Mix.
Karen McDougal has been released from her hush money contract with the National Enquirer, and is now free to tell her story. Do we really want this, America? It’s probably a lot of information about just how the Dopey Diminutive Dotard likes his hemorrhoids massaged during sex acts.
A surprise new leader emerged in the Cabinet Grifting Pool, as trade rep Robert Lighthizer blew nearly a million bucks worth of our money on office furniture! Ben Carson felt so inadequate upon learning this that he commissioned a brand new portrait, this time of him beating Jesus at thumb wrestling.
Michael Cohen will be dropping libel suits against Fusion GPS and Buzzfeed, after realizing he’s spent the last three months arguing in his apartment with his own echo, shouting “Says who?” at himself at ever-escalating volume.
The inventor of bump stocks has decided to shut down his bump-stock-making company, but can somebody call up this guy and ask him why “mass murder should be easier!” was a thought that occurred to him in the first place?
Barbara Bush died, and the goddamn Shart House lacks the competence to send out a fucking condolence message without getting bloody date wrong. We’re being governed by people who repeatedly fail on a grade school level. Like, when they try launching nukes at North Korea, can we be confident that they haven’t accidentally aimed them at Poughkeepsie?
Perhaps in honor of the Bushes, Dorito Mussolini declared “READ MY LIPS! NO NEW TAX RETURNS!” Yes, Shithead not only still refuses to release his taxes to the public, he couldn’t even file on time, because he can’t do one fucking thing right. I swear, he’s probably locked in a bathroom right now.
So, the Tennessee state government decided to punish their own constituents, because the city government in Memphis decided they didn’t want monuments to the treasonous losers known as “Th’Confederacy” stinking up their air anymore. So the Republican-controlled legislature clawed back $250,000 in previously-allocated funding. Because open evil is the hot new thing in conservative politics these days. (See Greitens, Eric)
To the GOP finks governing Tennessee, statues of dead traitors are more important than living humans. And surely it’s a coincidence that Memphis is majority African-American, right? RIGHT?
Checking in with Mr. Greitens, he…wow. He’s basically Diet Shart, isn’t he? Fresh off new felony campaign finance accusations, (on top of the HORRIFYING RAPE CHARGES, by the way) Eric’s basically barricaded himself in his office, screaming “COME AT ME BRO” at pretty much the entire state of Missouri.
Stormy Daniels released a composite sketch of the man she claims threatened her on behalf of the future American President. Drumpf proclaimed the sketch a “con job,” irate because it looks NOTHING like the thug he sends to threaten his former sexual partners! The President of the United States will not stand idly by while Vinnie No-Knees’ reputation is impugned!
There was a new, island-wide blackout in Puerto Rico, just a casual reminder that your federal government has abandoned millions of American citizens to needless torment because of the color of their skin. Anyway, this seems like a really great time to tell me more about how Hillary is just as bad as Trump.
Actually, don’t tell me. Hop a flight down to San Juan. Get a soapbox. You’ll be popular.
Everybody congratulate Scott Pruitt! This crook finally has so many scandals, he needs a special article just to keep them all straight! Folks, the right wing dipshitosphere would’ve called for armed insurrection if Obama refused to fire a Cabinet level official who pulled even half this shit.
The Senate passed a resolution allowing Tammy Duckworth (or any Senator, really) to bring her shiny new baby onto the floor during votes. Regrettably, a second resolution, mandating Rand Paul’s desk be replaced with a dunk tank, was filibustered.
KKKris KKKobach was held in kontempt of kourt, because apparently “But Your Honor, I’m a wealthy white male” isn’t quiiiiiite good enough to get you out of following a judge’s orders. At least this time. If he winds up in jail, will they strip him of his voting rights?
And gosh, it’s been a really shitty week for white supremacist losers in Kansas! Three of the sorriest specimens of “racial superiority” you’ll ever scrape off your shoe got their loser asses convicted on terrorism charges, possibly because of the terrorist attack they were recorded planning. Enjoy jail, losers! You’ll be displeased to learn that being a member of the “master race” doesn’t even get you a discount in the commissary.
Mike Pompeo’s confirmation as the next Secretary of State hangs by a thread, so Team Cudbrain figured they’d secretly send him to North Korean to meet with Kim Jong-un, because “surprise, we’ve let him do the job already,” is what passes for a good idea amongst these twits.
Look, I fucking despise Ted Cruz, but even I got the embarrassment shivers reading the prose handjob he gave Boss Turd in Time Magazine. Bro. This jag insulted your wife. Your Dad. No wonder Beto’s surging in the polls…I ask you, Texans, if a guy won’t stand up for his own family, do you really think he’ll stand up for you?
Beto’s new campaign slogan: “I am the only candidate in this race who can stand the sight of his own face in the mirror.”
A procedural vote to advance the nomination of the comically, distressingly, under-qualified James Bridenstine to head NASA was locked dramatically in a tie! Until Jeff Flake dashed onto the Senate floor…to change his vote! You almost imagined Jeffy grew some principles there for a second, didn’tcha?
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Flake teased us further! He was like “Y’know, I haven’t made up my mind, I’m not just a party-line puppet, I think for myse-why are you all laughing?” And then he marched out and voted to confirm the clown anyway. Because OF COURSE HE DID.
There are two big takeaways here. First, Jeff Flake likes attention. Second, he is a sad, spineless, little man, and the Senate will be infinitely better off without him.
Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his crew of collaborators are getting their grubby little mitts on the famed Comey memos. I look forward to their trademark Mad Libs-style selective leaking. Maybe Devin’ll try scribbling incriminating notes in the margins, (“Oh man, the Deep State is gonna OWN this doofus!”) but the bacon grease residue will give him away.
Renowned Historical Scholar Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “My Dad Paid Cash to a Forger for my High School Diploma”) remarked “Human trafficking is worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world,” because he really doesn’t wanna lose that Confederate Monument crowd.
…maybe we should put a lock on the nuclear codes, where the user has to pass a 7th grade history test before he’s allowed to launch? I’d sleep better.
The fuck is this? The DoJ IG (E-I-E-I-O!) sent a possible criminal referral of Andrew McCabe to a U.S. attorney? I’m bleary-eyed-stoned on packing tape fumes right now, I don’t have time to do the deep reading on this. Is it as shady as it looks at first glance?
And now Rudy Giuliani is joining the Velveeta Vulgarian’s legal team? I confess, it would be amusing to watch his teeth rot right out of his head in the middle of the impeachment trial…
Rudy seems to think he can clear up this whole “Russia investigation” thing in a couple of weeks. Heh. He also thought he could wait till the Florida primary to start his Presidential campaign.
Our ol’ chum Precious Paul Manafort was back in the news today, with DoJ telling a judge the #Manafucked one is suspected of being the Shart campaign’s back channel to Boris and Natasha and Ivan Drago and whoever else. Who could imagine a career money-launderer with longstanding ties to Russian organized crime figures, desperate to get out of debt, would have volunteered to run a Presidential campaign for free, and not done so out of the purity radiating from his every pore?
The Kushners need no longer fear subpoenas envy! They’ve received federal subpoenas of their very own, regarding their shifty-ass slumlord fuckery. In related news, researchers at Yale now project 1 in 5 Americans will be serving on grand juries investigating various members of the Trump administration by 2019.
Folks, I know I’ve missed a bunch of shit, but the movers are gonna be here in 12 hours, and I still haven’t packed my mask. The good news is, I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule pretty dang soon. Thanks for hanging in with me, I appreciate the hell out of it.
*Yes I saw Heitkamp is voting to confirm Pompeo. No, I don’t like it. Yes, we’re still better off with her in the seat than a North Dakota Republican. Remember the ACA vote? The tax bill vote?
Shower Cap will return…in SHARTFINGER