Hey, did everybody have a nice day? The regular shitshow takes on a whole new dimension when you’re watching Notre Dame burn in the background. Here in the American Madhouse, it didn’t even seem out of place, and when the spire collapsed, you said to yourself, “yeah, that’s about right.” This is Hell, after all. 

Watching the destruction of one of humanity’s most enduring landmarks was hard, but it could have been much worse, without Donnie Dotard’s genius and leadership. For just when things seemed beyond all hope, he grabbed his mighty phone and tweeted “Hey, you guys should probably try to put that fire out,” and was instantly awarded the Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Fighting of Fires.

And those ungrateful frogs didn’t even take his (terrible) advice! It’s been a frustrating stretch for Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, nothing seems to be going his way lately! Why, he hasn’t even managed to get Representative Ilhan Omar killed yet, and he’s put more effort into that than literally anything else he’s attempted since assuming office. He really really really wants to rile up the Very Fine People until one of the least stable goons takes it upon himself to rid his Turd Emperor of that meddlesome Congresswoman.

Though we’ve normalized some pretty unthinkable shit these last couple years, I hope we never quite get used to our President recklessly stirring up hatred, knowing that his words have led to violence in the past and likely will again in the future, because he believes it’s “good” for him politically. The next President shouldn’t be a sociopath, is all I’m saying.

It’s actually sort of remarkable, that the Adderall-Addled Assclown has stayed fixated on Omar for so long; his attention span tends to reach its furthermost limits right when it’s time for a commercial break on Fux n’ Fiendz. Why, if he’d brought this level of focus to his official duties, he might almost understand how trade works by now.

God, that shit’s so fucking awful, I think we should move on to something lighter. Oh hey, I guess the Cabal of Supbar White Nationalists squatting in our White House is looking for some way to stretch and pervert the law enough to allow the U.S. military to build and run migrant detention camps, NEAT*!

Anyway, all you red-blooded Amurikkkan patriots can rest easy knowing that at least there wont be any transgender soldiers building those concentration camps, nosirree bob! Yes, Hairplug Himmler’s ban on transgender people serving in the military finally went into effect last Friday, a rare victory in his ongoing War Against Decency. So America is a little less safe now, and nobody’s life is even a tiny bit better, but hey, at least a handful of petty losers got to shit on some vulnerable folks who only ever wanted to put their lives on the line to serve their country. The American-Greatness-o-Meter is surely climbing to heretofore unseen heights.

Military-run camps. Lord. And now all you triggered little snowflakes will cry “fascism,” right? I ask you, would a fascist propose circumventing the rule of law by dangling pardons in front of border officials if they’d only ignore the dumb ol’ law and the stupid cuck Constitution and blindly obey their Turdmaggot Emperor’s every whim, no matter how cruel or inhumane? CHECKMATE, LIBT-oh wait that’s exactly what a fascist would do. Kinda sucks that the President keeps trying to go full authoritarian whenever he thinks nobody’s looking, don’tcha think?

Oh, and a Merry Tax Day to one and all! You’re probably noticing that Strawberry Shartcake’s tax scam bill didn’t quite deliver the promised bonanza. Well quit yer gripin’, ya filthy taker, ya shoulda pulled yerself up by yer bootstraps and been a massive multi-national corporation instead of a serf! Be grateful we let you keep any money at all, Betsy DeVos had to pay so much in taxes this year, she could only afford to gold-plate seven of her yachts!

As for President Gas Station Urinal Cake himself, well, he cares almost as much about keeping his own tax returns buried in a deep dark hole as he does about getting Ilhan Omar killed. Almost.

Sarah Huckleberry Slanders insists that congressional Democrats are such doodoo-headed dum-dums that they couldn’t possibly understand the President’s taxes. Heh. We poor Dems sure were smart enough to flip 40 seats last November, including many that’d been held by Republicans for decades, Sarah. So troll all you like, it’s your only move, and it doesn’t, y’know, actually accomplish anything.

By the way, our Reps in Congress are smart enough to pursue multiple paths to get what they’re after, subpoenaing records from Fat Q*bert’s old accounting firm, plus Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions, even as Steve Mnuchin dithers and stonewalls. And somehow I doubt his legal team’s strategy to cast Trump’s tax returns as the great civil rights struggle of our time will bear much fruit, though I do look forward to watching Jay Sekulow “spontaneously” burst out singing Old Man River at some future press conference.

I guess Roger Stone wants his own personal copy of the Mueller report, and also to have all charges against him dismissed. Personally, I think this is a smart move. What Roger is really up to here is training himself to accept disappointment. This will come in handy soon, when his requests will fall more along the lines of “I would like to sleep in some other room than my designated jail cell,” and “I would like to make my own decisions about what to have for lunch today,” and the answers will be “HAHAHAHAHA fuck no you silly little convict.”

And the vetting of Federal Reserve Board nominee Stephen Moore continues. While nobody seems to have found a single shred of evidence to support the notion that this clod is in any way qualified for this job, there’s certainly no shortage of deeply worrying shit. Now we learn Mr. Tax-and-child-support-dodger believes “capitalism is a lot more important than democracy.”

Y’know, just at this moment, when we’re all trying to survive two more years of a Farthuffin’ Fascist as he fantasizes about pardoning his way out of god knows what atrocities, I’m not sure there’s much that’s more important than democracy. I’ve become quite the passionate fan of the stuff, to be honest. I’m sprinkling democracy on my breakfast cereal and rubbing it into my fucking gums. In conclusion, fuck you, Steve, you fucking fuck.

Michele Bachmann, eager to demonstrate that her time outside the limelight has done nothing to restore her sanity, proclaimed Weehands McNodick to be the most “godly, biblical” President of her lifetime. Somebody must’ve switched the dust jacket on Michele’s Bible onto a scrapbook full of newspaper clipping about serial killers and ads for septic tanks when she was a kid, and she just never noticed the difference.

In a rather pathetically obvious attempt to undermine the opening of Disney’s adorable penguin documentary, Sneering Concealment Toad William Barr announced he’ll be releasing his artisanal, hand-redacted, version of the Mueller report this Thursday. We won’t get to see any of the good shit, of course, plus I bet he scribbles down the secret recipe for Coke in the margins, just to be a dick.

Tangerine Idi Amin absorbed the latest in an ongoing series of judicial taint punts, when a second federal judge blocked his attempt to deport tens of thousands of Haitian refugees. And yes, the famous “shithole countries” remark was a factor in the decision; once again the hateful old bastard can’t keep his fool mouth shut, and the courts keep shoveling it full of the richly-deserved Cat Turds of Failure.   

Well, shiny new Interior Secretary David Bernhardt barely got his crooked ass confirmed before landing an ethics investigation of his very own! Seems like standard hazing for new Trump cabinet secretaries. Show up for your first day, there’s a whoopie cushion on your chair and everything has been glued to your desk except a document request from your department’s IG. Anyway, I wouldn’t go buying any soundproof booths if I were you, Dave-O.

I see Bill Weld has officially taken on the task of mounting a primary challenge to the Individual Wonder, or, more accurately, dispelling once and for all the last feeble delusions of the Never-Trump movement that there’s anything left of the Republican Party but a mosh pit full of howling bigots, perpetually pelting one another with their own feces in a feverish attempt to “own the libs.” The cat’s out of the bag, kids, the audience isn’t going back to politely sitting through your dry economic think pieces now that they’ve finally found the demagogue who’s willing to skip straight to the good shit.

…but don’t forget who held open the door for the bastard in the first place.

But fuck all that shit. The Pulitzers were announced today, so let’s wrap this fucker up with something to celebrate, huh? Lots of great investigative journalism recognized, including the Failing New York Times’ deep dive into the Velveeta Vulgarian’s long life of crime, and the Wall Street Journal’s reporting on Trump’s role as the unindicted-for-now co-conspirator in the illegal hush money payoffs. Mad respect to all the journalists doing this work…we owe them a lot, and I hope y’all find room in your budget to support a news outlet or two.

And hey look, the bell towers at Notre Dame were saved. We flipped the ever-lovin’ fuck out of the House last fall, and we’ll take the whole damn country back in 2020. THE SUN’LL COME OUT TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Anyhow, let’s talk again once this “report” hits.

*Not actually “neat.”