Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Breaking: President Trump Upset Notre Dame Fire Distracting From Attempts to Incite Violence Against Rep. Omar
Hey, did everybody have a nice day? The regular shitshow takes on a whole new dimension when you’re watching Notre Dame burn in the background. Here in the American Madhouse, it didn’t even seem out of place, and when the spire collapsed, you said to yourself, “yeah, that’s about right.” This is Hell, after all.
Watching the destruction of one of humanity’s most enduring landmarks was hard, but it could have been much worse, without Donnie Dotard’s genius and leadership. For just when things seemed beyond all hope, he grabbed his mighty phone and tweeted “Hey, you guys should probably try to put that fire out,” and was instantly awarded the Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Fighting of Fires.
And those ungrateful frogs didn’t even take his (terrible) advice! It’s been a frustrating stretch for Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, nothing seems to be going his way lately! Why, he hasn’t even managed to get Representative Ilhan Omar killed yet, and he’s put more effort into that than literally anything else he’s attempted since assuming office. He really really really wants to rile up the Very Fine People until one of the least stable goons takes it upon himself to rid his Turd Emperor of that meddlesome Congresswoman.
Though we’ve normalized some pretty unthinkable shit these last couple years, I hope we never quite get used to our President recklessly stirring up hatred, knowing that his words have led to violence in the past and likely will again in the future, because he believes it’s “good” for him politically. The next President shouldn’t be a sociopath, is all I’m saying.
It’s actually sort of remarkable, that the Adderall-Addled Assclown has stayed fixated on Omar for so long; his attention span tends to reach its furthermost limits right when it’s time for a commercial break on Fux n’ Fiendz. Why, if he’d brought this level of focus to his official duties, he might almost understand how trade works by now.
God, that shit’s so fucking awful, I think we should move on to something lighter. Oh hey, I guess the Cabal of Supbar White Nationalists squatting in our White House is looking for some way to stretch and pervert the law enough to allow the U.S. military to build and run migrant detention camps, NEAT*!
Anyway, all you red-blooded Amurikkkan patriots can rest easy knowing that at least there wont be any transgender soldiers building those concentration camps, nosirree bob! Yes, Hairplug Himmler’s ban on transgender people serving in the military finally went into effect last Friday, a rare victory in his ongoing War Against Decency. So America is a little less safe now, and nobody’s life is even a tiny bit better, but hey, at least a handful of petty losers got to shit on some vulnerable folks who only ever wanted to put their lives on the line to serve their country. The American-Greatness-o-Meter is surely climbing to heretofore unseen heights.
Military-run camps. Lord. And now all you triggered little snowflakes will cry “fascism,” right? I ask you, would a fascist propose circumventing the rule of law by dangling pardons in front of border officials if they’d only ignore the dumb ol’ law and the stupid cuck Constitution and blindly obey their Turdmaggot Emperor’s every whim, no matter how cruel or inhumane? CHECKMATE, LIBT-oh wait that’s exactly what a fascist would do. Kinda sucks that the President keeps trying to go full authoritarian whenever he thinks nobody’s looking, don’tcha think?
Oh, and a Merry Tax Day to one and all! You’re probably noticing that Strawberry Shartcake’s tax scam bill didn’t quite deliver the promised bonanza. Well quit yer gripin’, ya filthy taker, ya shoulda pulled yerself up by yer bootstraps and been a massive multi-national corporation instead of a serf! Be grateful we let you keep any money at all, Betsy DeVos had to pay so much in taxes this year, she could only afford to gold-plate seven of her yachts!
As for President Gas Station Urinal Cake himself, well, he cares almost as much about keeping his own tax returns buried in a deep dark hole as he does about getting Ilhan Omar killed. Almost.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders insists that congressional Democrats are such doodoo-headed dum-dums that they couldn’t possibly understand the President’s taxes. Heh. We poor Dems sure were smart enough to flip 40 seats last November, including many that’d been held by Republicans for decades, Sarah. So troll all you like, it’s your only move, and it doesn’t, y’know, actually accomplish anything.
By the way, our Reps in Congress are smart enough to pursue multiple paths to get what they’re after, subpoenaing records from Fat Q*bert’s old accounting firm, plus Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions, even as Steve Mnuchin dithers and stonewalls. And somehow I doubt his legal team’s strategy to cast Trump’s tax returns as the great civil rights struggle of our time will bear much fruit, though I do look forward to watching Jay Sekulow “spontaneously” burst out singing Old Man River at some future press conference.
I guess Roger Stone wants his own personal copy of the Mueller report, and also to have all charges against him dismissed. Personally, I think this is a smart move. What Roger is really up to here is training himself to accept disappointment. This will come in handy soon, when his requests will fall more along the lines of “I would like to sleep in some other room than my designated jail cell,” and “I would like to make my own decisions about what to have for lunch today,” and the answers will be “HAHAHAHAHA fuck no you silly little convict.”
And the vetting of Federal Reserve Board nominee Stephen Moore continues. While nobody seems to have found a single shred of evidence to support the notion that this clod is in any way qualified for this job, there’s certainly no shortage of deeply worrying shit. Now we learn Mr. Tax-and-child-support-dodger believes “capitalism is a lot more important than democracy.”
Y’know, just at this moment, when we’re all trying to survive two more years of a Farthuffin’ Fascist as he fantasizes about pardoning his way out of god knows what atrocities, I’m not sure there’s much that’s more important than democracy. I’ve become quite the passionate fan of the stuff, to be honest. I’m sprinkling democracy on my breakfast cereal and rubbing it into my fucking gums. In conclusion, fuck you, Steve, you fucking fuck.
Michele Bachmann, eager to demonstrate that her time outside the limelight has done nothing to restore her sanity, proclaimed Weehands McNodick to be the most “godly, biblical” President of her lifetime. Somebody must’ve switched the dust jacket on Michele’s Bible onto a scrapbook full of newspaper clipping about serial killers and ads for septic tanks when she was a kid, and she just never noticed the difference.
In a rather pathetically obvious attempt to undermine the opening of Disney’s adorable penguin documentary, Sneering Concealment Toad William Barr announced he’ll be releasing his artisanal, hand-redacted, version of the Mueller report this Thursday. We won’t get to see any of the good shit, of course, plus I bet he scribbles down the secret recipe for Coke in the margins, just to be a dick.
Tangerine Idi Amin absorbed the latest in an ongoing series of judicial taint punts, when a second federal judge blocked his attempt to deport tens of thousands of Haitian refugees. And yes, the famous “shithole countries” remark was a factor in the decision; once again the hateful old bastard can’t keep his fool mouth shut, and the courts keep shoveling it full of the richly-deserved Cat Turds of Failure.
Well, shiny new Interior Secretary David Bernhardt barely got his crooked ass confirmed before landing an ethics investigation of his very own! Seems like standard hazing for new Trump cabinet secretaries. Show up for your first day, there’s a whoopie cushion on your chair and everything has been glued to your desk except a document request from your department’s IG. Anyway, I wouldn’t go buying any soundproof booths if I were you, Dave-O.
I see Bill Weld has officially taken on the task of mounting a primary challenge to the Individual Wonder, or, more accurately, dispelling once and for all the last feeble delusions of the Never-Trump movement that there’s anything left of the Republican Party but a mosh pit full of howling bigots, perpetually pelting one another with their own feces in a feverish attempt to “own the libs.” The cat’s out of the bag, kids, the audience isn’t going back to politely sitting through your dry economic think pieces now that they’ve finally found the demagogue who’s willing to skip straight to the good shit.
…but don’t forget who held open the door for the bastard in the first place.
But fuck all that shit. The Pulitzers were announced today, so let’s wrap this fucker up with something to celebrate, huh? Lots of great investigative journalism recognized, including the Failing New York Times’ deep dive into the Velveeta Vulgarian’s long life of crime, and the Wall Street Journal’s reporting on Trump’s role as the unindicted-for-now co-conspirator in the illegal hush money payoffs. Mad respect to all the journalists doing this work…we owe them a lot, and I hope y’all find room in your budget to support a news outlet or two.
And hey look, the bell towers at Notre Dame were saved. We flipped the ever-lovin’ fuck out of the House last fall, and we’ll take the whole damn country back in 2020. THE SUN’LL COME OUT TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Anyhow, let’s talk again once this “report” hits.
*Not actually “neat.”