Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Can’t Photoshop Your Way Out of Impeachment, Dotard
I’ve written Santa more than three dozen letters asking him to please please please just let me wake the fuck up, but at this point I’m once again forced to conclude that this is indeed real life. The good news, I suppose, is that the beer is also real; let’s round up the news so we can get to our weekends…
Well, Sergei Lavrov dropped by the Oval to change the batteries and reposition the mics on the recording devices inside the Resolute desk, and to pick up all the really sensitive classified intelligence that Putin’s Personal Pet President can’t simply relay over the phone. Always cool to see the Commander in Chief pose, grinning, next to the representative of a hostile foreign nation gleefully celebrating a successful attack on the good ol’ USA.
I’m starting to think maybe William Barr was raised on a steady diet of old WWII movies, and for most of his life he’s been quietly sitting on the secret that he identifies mainly with the German side, but now he’s finally free to let his fascist freak flag fly. Yes, Burgher Billy is certainly living his best life, but regrettably for those of us who value democracy, he’s a power-crazed autocrat, and also, tragically, Attorney General of the United States. This is my long-winded way of saying yes, Barr is still lying at the top of his lungs about the DoJ inspector general’s report, as part of his ongoing work attacking American law enforcement and the very concept of objective truth, with the intention of installing Hairplug Himmler as an absolute dictator, permanently beyond the reach of the law. Can we get the masculine toilet guy back, please?
Everyone enjoyed a little laugh at the Shart Campaign when they released an ad depicting the Marmalade Shartcannon as Thanos, the villain from a little-known series of art films (I believe based on unused Ingmar Bergman scripts), who tries to wipe out billions of lives. Folks, they KNOW they’re the bad guys. This movement aspires to genocide. Watch them next time they gather, whip themselves into a fury, and start screaming BUILD THE WALL. Listen to them. THEY KNOW.
…which is why everyone is so uncomfortable with Tangerine Idi Amin’s extremely creepy move to proclaim Judaism a nationality, rather than just a religion. Forgive us if we doubt the sincerity of your commitment to “fight anti-Semitism on campus,” what with your white-supremacist-packed administration, your famous support of the Very Fine “Jews will not replace us” People, and OH YEAH your long personal history of anti-Semitism.
Well, Strawberry Shartcake finally paid that bill he owed for stealing from charity. Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’ll be listening to evangelical “Christians” as they lecture the rest of us about how he’s God’s chosen representative on Earth, presumably because what Jesus would do is STEAL FROM CHARITY TO BUY PAINTINGS OF HIMSELF.
Raging uncontrollably at finally facing comeuppance for the first time in his contemptible, criminal, life, Government Cheese Goebbels held perhaps his most disturbing, unhinged, Klan rally yet, spewing lies and fear and dehumanizing hatred from that ruptured sewage pipe he calls a mouth. Of course, in a year or so, we’ll look back whimsically at the days when he didn’t explicitly order his shitty little cultists to murder his enemies, won’t we?
Fat Q*Bert really isn’t taking impeachment well, you know. Did you see where he tweeted something like 100 times in one day? Heh. He used to be able to commandeer an entire news cycle with a single tweet, now he’s just puking ineffectively into the void. That was the most powerful weapon in his arsenal; without it, he’s just an old man who doesn’t know how to dress himself.
Donald of the House Trump, Dumbest of his Name, The Unlearned, Ruiner of Steaks and Loser of Court Cases has once again suffered a humiliating court defeat, with a federal judge ruling “Fuck no, you can’t just steal money Congress appropriated for specific military projects and spend it on your Big Dumb Wall, you dolt! Bro, do you even Constitution?” I don’t get what the fuss is about, honestly. I think we all understand his misinformation-hungry base would happily accept a couple of tweets of doctored Lego commercials as irrefutable proof that the wall is being built, and the libs are being owned.
Seems it was Mike Crapo’s turn to block bipartisan election security legislation in the Senate, which he enthusiastically did, proclaiming the bill designed to thwart foreign interference in American elections to be…anti-Trump. The unwillingness to defend the homeland is certainly frustrating, but the honesty is refreshing at least.
Proving the Trump family’s fierce dedication to rooting out corruption whersoe’er it rears its ugly head, Shitsack, Jr. went to Mongolia to hunt and kill an endangered sheep, and then traded on Daddy’s name to have a permit retroactively issued. Have you noticed there’s never a “Wow, one of the Trumps did something halfway decent for once” story? That’d be real news, wouldn’t it? Like “Eric rescued a drowning kitten, maybe these people really do have human souls?” Nope, just “Walking Avatar of White Privilege Exploits Political Power to Murder Rare, Beautiful, Creature.”
Teenaged climate activist Greta Thunberg was proclaimed public enemy #1, for the dual crimes of believing in science and cheating Boss Turdmaggot out of his rightful place on the cover of every issue of Time Magazine forever. And so the President of the United States, who, according to his medical records, is an adult, weaponized the full might of his pulpit to bully a 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s syndrome, because he is (and science backs me up on this) a steaming pile of monkey shit. Anyway, Greta effortlessly, flawlessly, popped him like a zit.
And yes, this despicable act was met with complete silence from the very people who were just recently wailing like a non-equity theatre company putting on Blood Wedding over an entirely fabricated slight to young Barron Trump. A lot of folks are crying hypocrisy here, but the two incidents actually display remarkable consistency; both demonstrate the right’s eagerness to give in to any opportunity that presents itself, however ridiculous, to express blind, seething, hatred of the left, which is pretty much the only “principle” the GOP has left. And by the time you read this, they’ll surely have found a shiny new reason to hate us. Probably several.
A whistleblower revealed a pattern of abuse in ICE detention facilities, involving inadequate medical care that’s lead to preventable surgeries, and even several deaths. Gosh, who could ever have imagined such tragic atrocities could take place in a white nationalist government’s concentration camps?
Good Gravy, looks like Ousted Mini-Trump Matt Bevin ate a whole Costco-sized tub of Red Vines and went on a pardoning spree before his voter-mandated return to private life. Looking to spite Kentucky for rejecting him, Bevin released numerous violent criminals back onto the streets, including a dude who beheaded a woman, a child rapist, a guy who killed his parents, and hey, wonder how this happened, a murderer whose family once threw a fundraiser for…Matt Bevin. Anyway, nice of Matty to make such a clear, concise, “y’all were quite wise indeed to fire my demented ass” gesture on the way out the door.
Louie Gohmert publicly outed the person many Republicans believe is the famous whistleblower, because everyone who’s anyone in conservative politics these days is an unethical sleezebag with no respect for the rule of law. I confess I have a difficult time visualizing Louie’s district…what sort of community looks at such an obviously subpar, yammering, nitwit and says “Truly, he is the greatest among us. Let us send him forth, to represent us and to craft our laws?”
Rumor has it, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is toying with the idea of skipping the 2020 presidential debates altogether, because A) he is coward, and B) he can no longer stand for 45 minutes without shitting himself. It continues to amaze me that some people think this trembling man-baby is “tough.”
And of course you know by now the House Judiciary Committee voted, on partisan lines, to advance two articles of impeachment against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot; abuse of power, and obstruction of Congress. Personally I think “transgressions against Perfectly Good Steak” woulda been a slam dunk, but I’m not a lawyer. Anyway, I don’t know what’s controversial here, since Donnie Dotard has not only confessed to the crimes he’s accused of, but helpfully provided documentary evidence. I mean, you’d have to be a totally lawless, 100% post-truth party in order to defend th-oh right, I forgot.
Republicans on the committee delighted in showy, time-wasting, procedural theatre, competing with one another for that prized indignant-screeching-on-Fux-Nooz-clip glory, only to have Chairman Jerry Nadler deny them their sought-after “Democrats impeached the President in the dead of night” talking point by suspending the hearing until Friday morning. Tuckered out after four long days of belching up gibbering nonsense like a background Dr. Seuss character on a meth bender, the Judiciary Republicans whined that they didn’t WANNA go to work on Friday, but little boys, you are in the minority now, learn to love it. Or don’t. It’s more fun if you don’t, honestly.
And Mitch McConnell, that treacherous terrapin, promised “total coordination” with Team Treasonweasel in the upcoming Senate impeachment trial, and you know, I’m starting to doubt he’s taking his constitutional duty to serve as an impartial juror seriously. If only the Constitution had a Twitter platform, to assail the lack of due process from.
Through all the cacophonous madness, Amerikkka’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is still out there, pinballing madly around the globe, fuckin’ rats like they were his own cousins.
Meanwhile, the Kompromat Kid has further limited the number of officials who are allowed to listen in on his calls with foreign leaders, as well as reducing the number who even get to read the transcripts after the fact, just the latest extremely-non-suspicious act from a totally innocent guy who is in no way still committing crimes. I suppose it would probably be cool to have a president who was more interested in serving the American people than in minimizing the number of witnesses to their illegal acts, but, and I cannot stress this enough…her e-mails.
So, anyhow…next week it’ll be official: Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I’m getting impeached!”) is getting impeached. You know, plenty of swing district Dems, including several members of the awesome freshman class we fought so hard to elect, will be risking their careers in voting for those articles of impeachment next week. I hope y’all are setting aside a little cash to help ‘em out next fall.
And that’s all I’ve got for ya this week. But be on the lookout…something very new, very different, and very cool is on the way…until then, stay safe, Resisters!