I’ve written Santa more than three dozen letters asking him to please please please just let me wake the fuck up, but at this point I’m once again forced to conclude that this is indeed real life. The good news, I suppose, is that the beer is also real; let’s round up the news so we can get to our weekends…

Well, Sergei Lavrov dropped by the Oval to change the batteries and reposition the mics on the recording devices inside the Resolute desk, and to pick up all the really sensitive classified intelligence that Putin’s Personal Pet President can’t simply relay over the phone. Always cool to see the Commander in Chief pose, grinning, next to the representative of a hostile foreign nation gleefully celebrating a successful attack on the good ol’ USA.

I’m starting to think maybe William Barr was raised on a steady diet of old WWII movies, and for most of his life he’s been quietly sitting on the secret that he identifies mainly with the German side, but now he’s finally free to let his fascist freak flag fly. Yes, Burgher Billy is certainly living his best life, but regrettably for those of us who value democracy, he’s a power-crazed autocrat, and also, tragically, Attorney General of the United States. This is my long-winded way of saying yes, Barr is still lying at the top of his lungs about the DoJ inspector general’s report, as part of his ongoing work attacking American law enforcement and the very concept of objective truth, with the intention of installing Hairplug Himmler as an absolute dictator, permanently beyond the reach of the law. Can we get the masculine toilet guy back, please?

Everyone enjoyed a little laugh at the Shart Campaign when they released an ad depicting the Marmalade Shartcannon as Thanos, the villain from a little-known series of art films (I believe based on unused Ingmar Bergman scripts), who tries to wipe out billions of lives. Folks, they KNOW they’re the bad guys. This movement aspires to genocide. Watch them next time they gather, whip themselves into a fury, and start screaming BUILD THE WALL. Listen to them. THEY KNOW.

…which is why everyone is so uncomfortable with Tangerine Idi Amin’s extremely creepy move to proclaim Judaism a nationality, rather than just a religion. Forgive us if we doubt the sincerity of your commitment to “fight anti-Semitism on campus,” what with your white-supremacist-packed administration, your famous support of the Very Fine “Jews will not replace us” People, and OH YEAH your long personal history of anti-Semitism.

Well, Strawberry Shartcake finally paid that bill he owed for stealing from charity. Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’ll be listening to evangelical “Christians” as they lecture the rest of us about how he’s God’s chosen representative on Earth, presumably because what Jesus would do is STEAL FROM CHARITY TO BUY PAINTINGS OF HIMSELF.

Raging uncontrollably at finally facing comeuppance for the first time in his contemptible, criminal, life, Government Cheese Goebbels held perhaps his most disturbing, unhinged, Klan rally yet, spewing lies and fear and dehumanizing hatred from that ruptured sewage pipe he calls a mouth. Of course, in a year or so, we’ll look back whimsically at the days when he didn’t explicitly order his shitty little cultists to murder his enemies, won’t we?

Fat Q*Bert really isn’t taking impeachment well, you know. Did you see where he tweeted something like 100 times in one day? Heh. He used to be able to commandeer an entire news cycle with a single tweet, now he’s just puking ineffectively into the void. That was the most powerful weapon in his arsenal; without it, he’s just an old man who doesn’t know how to dress himself.

Donald of the House Trump, Dumbest of his Name, The Unlearned, Ruiner of Steaks and Loser of Court Cases has once again suffered a humiliating court defeat, with a federal judge ruling “Fuck no, you can’t just steal money Congress appropriated for specific military projects and spend it on your Big Dumb Wall, you dolt! Bro, do you even Constitution?” I don’t get what the fuss is about, honestly. I think we all understand his misinformation-hungry base would happily accept a couple of tweets of doctored Lego commercials as irrefutable proof that the wall is being built, and the libs are being owned.

Seems it was Mike Crapo’s turn to block bipartisan election security legislation in the Senate, which he enthusiastically did, proclaiming the bill designed to thwart foreign interference in American elections to be…anti-Trump. The unwillingness to defend the homeland is certainly frustrating, but the honesty is refreshing at least.

Proving the Trump family’s fierce dedication to rooting out corruption whersoe’er it rears its ugly head, Shitsack, Jr. went to Mongolia to hunt and kill an endangered sheep, and then traded on Daddy’s name to have a permit retroactively issued. Have you noticed there’s never a “Wow, one of the Trumps did something halfway decent for once” story? That’d be real news, wouldn’t it? Like “Eric rescued a drowning kitten, maybe these people really do have human souls?” Nope, just “Walking Avatar of White Privilege Exploits Political Power to Murder Rare, Beautiful, Creature.”

Teenaged climate activist Greta Thunberg was proclaimed public enemy #1, for the dual crimes of believing in science and cheating Boss Turdmaggot out of his rightful place on the cover of every issue of Time Magazine forever. And so the President of the United States, who, according to his medical records, is an adult, weaponized the full might of his pulpit to bully a 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s syndrome, because he is (and science backs me up on this) a steaming pile of monkey shit. Anyway, Greta effortlessly, flawlessly, popped him like a zit.

And yes, this despicable act was met with complete silence from the very people who were just recently wailing like a non-equity theatre company putting on Blood Wedding over an entirely fabricated slight to young Barron Trump. A lot of folks are crying hypocrisy here, but the two incidents actually display remarkable consistency; both demonstrate the right’s eagerness to give in to any opportunity that presents itself, however ridiculous, to express blind, seething, hatred of the left, which is pretty much the only “principle” the GOP has left. And by the time you read this, they’ll surely have found a shiny new reason to hate us. Probably several.

A whistleblower revealed a pattern of abuse in ICE detention facilities, involving inadequate medical care that’s lead to preventable surgeries, and even several deaths. Gosh, who could ever have imagined such tragic atrocities could take place in a white nationalist government’s concentration camps?

Good Gravy, looks like Ousted Mini-Trump Matt Bevin ate a whole Costco-sized tub of Red Vines and went on a pardoning spree before his voter-mandated return to private life. Looking to spite Kentucky for rejecting him, Bevin released numerous violent criminals back onto the streets, including a dude who beheaded a woman, a child rapist, a guy who killed his parents, and hey, wonder how this happened, a murderer whose family once threw a fundraiser for…Matt Bevin. Anyway, nice of Matty to make such a clear, concise, “y’all were quite wise indeed to fire my demented ass” gesture on the way out the door.

Louie Gohmert publicly outed the person many Republicans believe is the famous whistleblower, because everyone who’s anyone in conservative politics these days is an unethical sleezebag with no respect for the rule of law. I confess I have a difficult time visualizing Louie’s district…what sort of community looks at such an obviously subpar, yammering, nitwit and says “Truly, he is the greatest among us. Let us send him forth, to represent us and to craft our laws?”

Rumor has it, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is toying with the idea of skipping the 2020 presidential debates altogether, because A) he is coward, and B) he can no longer stand for 45 minutes without shitting himself. It continues to amaze me that some people think this trembling man-baby is “tough.”

And of course you know by now the House Judiciary Committee voted, on partisan lines, to advance two articles of impeachment against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot; abuse of power, and obstruction of Congress. Personally I think “transgressions against Perfectly Good Steak” woulda been a slam dunk, but I’m not a lawyer. Anyway, I don’t know what’s controversial here, since Donnie Dotard has not only confessed to the crimes he’s accused of, but helpfully provided documentary evidence. I mean, you’d have to be a totally lawless, 100% post-truth party in order to defend th-oh right, I forgot.

Republicans on the committee delighted in showy, time-wasting, procedural theatre, competing with one another for that prized indignant-screeching-on-Fux-Nooz-clip glory, only to have Chairman Jerry Nadler deny them their sought-after “Democrats impeached the President in the dead of night” talking point by suspending the hearing until Friday morning. Tuckered out after four long days of belching up gibbering nonsense like a background Dr. Seuss character on a meth bender, the Judiciary Republicans whined that they didn’t WANNA go to work on Friday, but little boys, you are in the minority now, learn to love it. Or don’t. It’s more fun if you don’t, honestly.

And Mitch McConnell, that treacherous terrapin, promised “total coordination” with Team Treasonweasel in the upcoming Senate impeachment trial, and you know, I’m starting to doubt he’s taking his constitutional duty to serve as an impartial juror seriously. If only the Constitution had a Twitter platform, to assail the lack of due process from.

Through all the cacophonous madness, Amerikkka’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is still out there, pinballing madly around the globe, fuckin’ rats like they were his own cousins.

Meanwhile, the Kompromat Kid has further limited the number of officials who are allowed to listen in on his calls with foreign leaders, as well as reducing the number who even get to read the transcripts after the fact, just the latest extremely-non-suspicious act from a totally innocent guy who is in no way still committing crimes. I suppose it would probably be cool to have a president who was more interested in serving the American people than in minimizing the number of witnesses to their illegal acts, but, and I cannot stress this enough…her e-mails.

So, anyhow…next week it’ll be official: Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Jesus, I’m getting impeached!”) is getting impeached. You know, plenty of swing district Dems, including several members of the awesome freshman class we fought so hard to elect, will be risking their careers in voting for those articles of impeachment next week. I hope y’all are setting aside a little cash to help ‘em out next fall.

And that’s all I’ve got for ya this week. But be on the lookout…something very new, very  different, and very cool is on the way…until then, stay safe, Resisters!