Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Dipshit Diplomacy: Donnie Dotard’s Dumbfuck Doctrine
Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge.
Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT Obama/America’s reputation/Middle East stability/common sense/the stated goal of keeping Iran from developing a nuclear weapon/years and years of carefully-finessed carrot-and-stick diplomacy!
It took about nine minutes for Iran to threaten to go back to enriching uranium, and now Saudi Arabia is making noise about wanting a nuclear bomb of their very own to hold and to squeeze all night long, but worry not! The Shart of the Deal has promised he’ll make a better arrangement! Just like with NAFTA, with the ACA, with assorted spending bills, with infrastructure, with the Paris Climate Agreement, with TPP, with his Big Stupid Trade War…another positively splendiferous deal, perpetually promised, never delivered.
Naturally, Donnie Dotard’s preparation for that magically “better deal” amounts to lying in bed, covered in Big Mac sauce, fantasizing about getting a Nobel Peace prize, which he’ll refuse to accept unless they make it bigger than Obama’s, and if not then he’ll just bomb the shit out of those prissy Swedes.
By the way, experts say pulling out of the Iran deal will cause massive increases in oil prices, so I hope everybody’s thrilled to Make America Pay More for Gas Again! Kinda wacky that one side effect of Shartboy’s boneheaded move will be an unlooked-for boon to Vlad Putin’s one-dimensional economy, innit?
Sheldon Adelson tossed a $30 million check to the House GOP’s super PAC, just a little note to say thank you for the extra SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS from their “tax reform” bill. Remember, the rest of America is supposed to fawn with gratitude because the same bill might just allow us to replace our toothbrushes as often as we’re supposed to. BEND THE KNEE, SERFS!
Not being a great consumer of right wing media, I hadn’t noticed Hugh Hewitt before he punked a certain under-qualified goon with that nuclear triad question during a presidential primary debate. At the time I thought, “Ah good! I probably don’t agree with many of this guy’s beliefs, but he seems like a principled fellow looking to save his party, and I can respect that!”
Hey, I’ve been wrong before, and I have the HDDVD library to prove it.
Turns out Young Hughward abandoned his NeverShart principles when his Salem Media paymasters reminded him of the check-issuer/check-casher nature of their relationship.
And Hewitt is nothing if not ethically consistent, as demonstrated by his proud, regular, defenses of Scott “Scandal-a-minute” Pruitt, who is probably locked in his soundproof booth, taping packs of taxpayer money to his thighs right now, but who used his post as EPA chief to do Hewitt a personal favor one time.
…the nuclear triad question was cool, though.
While we’re on Pruitt, it’s a Day of the Week, so of course there are fresh tales of Scotty’s ridiculous corruption. What has two thumbs and used a frickin’ Black Hawk helicopter to fly to a coal mine? SCOTT PRUITT! Who took a climate-denying Catholic Cardinal accused of sexual abuse out to a 5-star restaurant in Rome? SCOTT PRUITT! (You’re damn right!)
So, Michael Cohen, The Sez-Hoo Soothsayer, the Fuggedaboudit Fixer, set up a shell company to pay off Boss Pussygrabber’s past flings for their public silence, this we knew already. Now it turns out said shell company accepted over a million bucks from a private equity company with ties to one of those shady Kremlin-connected oligarchs who just keep coincidentally popping up in stories about our absolutely-no-collusion-whatsoever grifter President.
What were the payments for? Well…nothing, it turns out. Or that’s the spin anyway. Story is, Mickey Dead Eyes got hired for some sort of nebulous “consulting” services, which the firm quickly assessed he would be unable to actually provide, at which point they decided…to just keep paying him anyway, which is a totally normal thing private equity firms do all time; giving people money for nothing. (At press time, there is no definitive information on whether or not Cohen’s chicks were free.)
Oh, and Cohen took another $600,000 from influence-thirsty AT&T, who don’t seem to have gotten their money’s worth. Now, if I was Michael Cohen, I’d call up Jacob Wohl and see how much you get him to shell out for a lock of Tangerine Idi Amin’s hair.
Convicted for lying like a very naughty boy to the Mueller probe, Alex van der Zwaan reported directly to jail without passing Go or collecting $200. Though he’s the very first Russia investigation target to do time, I think when all is said and done they’ll have a prison gang large enough to inspire an OZ reboot.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Face wants to eliminate a high-level cybersecurity post, because while our nation was the victim of a dastardly and effective cyber attack in 2016, the end result was Bolton’s unlikely return to power, and Johnboy’s job security trumps national security.
Quick shout-out to Gina Haspel, for resurrecting the “Should America embrace evil because the dumbest & shittiest people among us are fearful and racist in addition to being dumb and shitty?” debate. God, it’s depressing that we’re even talking about this. Dick Cheney even emerged from his crypt just long enough to wheeze something about bringing back boiling oil before being driven underground by a crucifix-wielding descendent of the Van Helsing family.
Oh hey, the President of the United States casually threatened the freedom of the press again this week, rage-tweeting a threat to revoke some credentials if he didn’t see more front-page stories about how Salma Hayek was a fool to reject his advances and as a result lives an empty life of regret.
Devin Nunes came here to fuck pigs and destroy as much of our nation’s law enforcement apparatus as he needs to in order to shield the Sunny D-Bag from the consequences of his life of crime, and he’s all out of pork butt. Nunes, who leaks like he’s wearing colander diapers, has been demanding the Justice Department give him all available info on an important intelligence source who’s been feeding the Mueller investigation, in order to pass it on to Drumpf who would then pass it on to Putin who would then pass it on to a fucking assassin. This is called “modern conservatism.”
Anyway, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has, at least for now, convinced Devin to back off, possibly by presenting him with an envelope containing photographs of the House Intelligence Committee Chairman in various compromising, what-if-Eyes-Wide-Shut-were-set-in-a-slop-trough positions.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders casually conceded that the Shart House will not be pursuing that long-pledged infrastructure bill after all, because that would involve working instead of golfing, and that is simply not how these people roll. The promises about cutting his own taxes and helping out Uncle Vlad were the ones he meant, folks. Rebuilding your roads and bringing back your mining/manufacturing jobs? Not so much.
I know we’re all well used to being embarrassed by our President by now, but we’re in Meet the Parents territory, watching him get played by a third-rate dictator like Kim Jong-un. Look bro…when an authoritarian regime kidnaps some of your citizens and sends them to hard labor camps, DON’T COMPLIMENT THEM ON HOW WELL THEY TREATED THEIR PRISONERS. Oh, and I can’t believe I have to even say this, but don’t talk about your motherfucking ratings, dude, it’s just GAUCHE.
Seriously though…kidnap some guys, torture ‘em for a bit, then act like you’re the good guy for releasing them? How fucking stupid do you have to be to fall for that shit? Stupid enough to believe that the North Koreans are “suspending nuclear testing” as a gesture of goodwill at the exact same time they’ve coincidentally damaged their test site, I guess.
Fuck. Donald Trump is Kim Jong-un’s birthday cake wish come true.
Former North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory apparently confused his radio show with the chat room for his Confederate Civil War re-enactment team, going on an extended rant about Charlotte electing black people to public office because black people aren’t white like Pat McCrory, and Pat McCrory thinks that’s wrong. And to think, some folks say there’s a racism problem in the Republican Party.
President Shithole has one true talent; transforming the life of anyone foolish enough to trust and support him into a punch bowl overflowing with turds. And sooner than anyone expected, it was Rudy Giuliani’s turn to pick up the ladle and fill his cup.
Yup, Rudy got his sorry ass fired by his law firm, who were oddly displeased at his extremely public statements about how they’re always paying off their clients’ mistresses, shit son, what do you think rich dudes even have lawyers FOR?
Anyway, now that Giuliani has “resigned” wink wink, he can dedicate himself full-time to “negotiating” an end to the Mueller probe, which sources tell me mainly involves sitting in front of FBI agents while they laugh uncontrollably.
Vice President Mike Pants wants Bashful Bob Mueller to hurry up with his silly lil’ investigation, and get on with the exhoneratin’ already. Mike best learn to live with disappointment. He ain’t gettin’ that chastity belt for Mother he asked Santa for, either.
I hope you’ll consider funding my kickstarter for my forthcoming book, A Children’s Treasury of Conservatives Being Jaw-Droppingly Shitty About John McCain Dying. From the “Legalize torture because it worked on ‘Songbird John’” dirtbag to Kelly “Who cares what he thinks he is dying like a common OLD-O” Sadler, the modern American right is nothin’ but CLASS.
Hey look, Sean Hannity is a taint-sucking slumlord, working to evict the sick and disabled all while bleeding his working-class tenants of every dime he can get get his grubby little mitts on. Yeah, like the wannabe autocrat fraud he slavishly promotes, Hannity’s a real champion of those “forgotten people,” any one of whom he would happily turn into mulch if he thought they’d make his lawn look nicer.
Spare a dirge on the world’s tiniest violin for Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who went to work for a fascist, racist, enemy of all things decent, only to have her fee-fees hurt when he turned his temper on her, even though she is a white Republican lady. She tells her friends she’s just miserable at her job, which is BREAKING UP IMMIGRANT FAMILIES AT THE BORDER, so, y’know…FUCK HER FOREVER.
Nielsen is said to have gone so far as to draft a resignation letter, but has for the time being decided to keep on serving America’s #1 domestic enemy, because like everyone in the Cabinet, she is a terrible human being and a collaborator. Here you go, Kirstjen, you have this rag to cry into, I used it to wipe my cat’s ass.
GOOD LORD, SUCH FUCKERY! I know it’s exhausting, friends. But the (goddamn) midterms are closer than ever, and we’ve even got this exciting net neutrality vote coming up in the Senate. Plenty of work t’be done. Let’s get to it, huh?