Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
And the right when nuts for him. Literally immediately they began calling on him to run for President. With no relevant experience, just “Hey, he was a dick to that guy we hate, somebody get this guy a Super PAC!” Rush Limbaugh opined that all us libtards would vote for him cuz of his skin color, because reflexive white guilt on a mass scale is the easiest way for the weak-minded to rationalize the two electoral thrashings Barack Obama administered to their morally bankrupt movement.
In retrospect, we should have recognized this as an early sign of what the American Right has mutated into, and what they look for in a leader. Thoughtful policy proposals? Years of effective public service? Nah. Just be a great big jag in public, and they’ll follow you to the gates of Hell.
Now, Dr. Carson is actually a masterful neurosurgeon. He pioneered a number of new techniques, most famously being the first surgeon to successfully separate siamese twins conjoined at the back of the head. He’s saved countless lives, and he’s a legit medical genius.
…which is why it’s so fucking weird how he’s such an epic dumbass about literally everything that isn’t brain surgery.
The rest of this entry could just be direct Dr. Ben quotes, and maybe that weird-ass painting he has of him and Jesus, and it’d be funnier than anything I could dream up.
Like the time he said prison turns people gay.
Or all that weird stuff about his violent past as a lock-swinging, knife-wielding rage monster, which he seems to have completely fabricated.
Even the inflammatory shit is so loopy it’s kinda hilarious, like the disheveled apocalyptic preacher that came to your college campus to yells at girls in shorts. Like when he said women who have abortions are like slaveholders, or that Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, or that political correctness is like being in Nazi Germany. Basically anything that bugs Dr. Naptime is the moral equivalent of genoicide.
(He believes that Charles Darwin was acting as an agent of Satan, yes, THAT SATAN, when he developed the theory of evolution. Just thought I’d mention that, while you’re here.)
My personal favorite, of course, is that he thinks the ancient Egyptians built the Pyramids…to store grain. Thousands of Republican primary voters looked at the dude who thinks these not-at-all-hollow stone buildings were wacky-shaped silos, and thought, “GIVE THIS MAN SOME NUCLEAR CODES.”
See? I can’t top this shit.
Dr. Ben mumbled and sleepwalked through several months of the GOP primary process, wowing audiences with his mind-blowing lack of understanding about…fucking hell, pretty much everything. China in the Middle East? The Baltics and NATO? The factual accuracy of his own autobiography?
Anyway, when he turned out to be too nuts to vote for, Dr. Ben dropped out and promptly endorsed the only candidate who had compared him to a child molester, and now he’s in charge of HUD, where he periodically stirs from naps to utter next-level crazy shit like “slaves were immigrants” and “poverty is all in your miiiiiiiiiiiiind, man.”