Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
From Georgia to Gorka, the GOP was One Fat Stack of Sweaty Assholes This Week
Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without cackling like a Schumacher-era Batman villain escapes me.
Elizabeth Warren responded to a town hall invite from Fux Nooz with a polite “Thank you, no, however you are welcome to gargle some used cat litter, you racist evil propaganda-belching shitbags,” and everyone at the Disinformation Network That Fucked Up Everything Literally Everything feigned outrage for a bit before getting back to the important work of belching up racist, evil, propaganda.
CNN published some heartbreaking photographs of detained migrant children, sleeping on the fucking ground at a Border Patrol concentration camp, excuse me, “facility” in McAllen, TX. You know, I don’t want to pass judgement, but when your fervor for imprisoning little kids grows to the point where it exceeds your ability to provide something as simple as beds for them to sleep in, you might just be a SUBHUMAN FUCKING MONSTER or a MORALLY DEFICIENT SKIDMARK or even a BOIL ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY IN DESPERATE NEED OF LANCING.
Florida Governor/Talking Thumb Ron DeSantis says the Russians successfully hacked voter databases in two Florida counties, but we don’t get to know which ones cuz that would be telling. Maybe we can turn this into a fun little contest; everybody writes down which counties they think were hacked, and the winner gets a free trip to a country that actually gives a fuck about election security.
The Failing New York Times says Strawberry Shartcake so far hasn’t caved to his bloodthirsty advisors’ desire for war with Iran, but Genocidal John Bolton knows all he needs to do is catch his pliable dipshit boss in the hall one day while he’s still fuming about some critical tweet from a black celebrity, and show him a photoshopped picture of an Iranian mullah laughing at that article about him losing a billion dollars in just one decade, and we’ll have a fresh new draft to dodge before you can blink.
Tom Cotton, who hasn’t been right about one single thing since a fifth grade spelling test, where, frankly, he mostly got lucky, says such a war would be just easy peasy lemon squeezy, and he looks forward to sending two or three generations of your children into the meat grinder to prove it. Dude’s a SENATOR. Sleep tight.
Some desperately needed good news, as Tangerine Idi Amin’s quest to get the courts to proclaim him Emperor on High to Whom Laws Most Certainly Do Not Apply and Also Whose Fingers Are Totally Normal-Sized is going about as well as his attempts to get Salma Hayek to date him. His lawyers’ “Investigating Nixon was wrong because obviously the most important thing in the Constitution is the part where it says the President can commit all the crimes he likes and all that stuff about congressional oversight is totally a joke, I can’t believe you fell for it,” argument doesn’t seem to be working, thank God.
And now some of Littlefinger’s loser lawyers are facing a House Intelligence Committee investigation of their very own, into their roles in changing Michael Cohen’s congressional testimony to make it less true. Looking forward, I kinda wonder which laws Trump’s lawyers’ lawyers will wind up breaking.
Unable to solve the people’s problems or improve their lives, the Shart Administration increasingly focuses on acts of petty tyranny, such as seeking out skeevy little loopholes to deny U.S. citizenship to foreign-born children of same-sex couples. Imagine choosing to spend your precious time on Earth pursuing such senseless, bitchy, fuckery. “Tee hee! I’ve found a little technicality I can use to rain shit down on an innocent family! It’s cruel, and it doesn’t accomplish one useful thing, but hurting strangers is SO MUCH FUN!”
Meanwhile, Hairplug Himmler refused to endorse the “Christchurch Call,” an effort to curtail the spread of bigotry and extremism on social media, because cracking down on radical hatred online could help combat the rising threat of white nationalist terrorism, and that’s something he wants more of, not less. Oh, he claimed it was about “free speech,” but we’re all grown-ups here.
I see President If a Big Mac Had An Id wants to take money away from Pell Grants, to give it to NASA so they can send a man back to the moon to write “Donald Trump weighs just 243 pounds, Ronny Jackson said so” in the dust. While a lot of Team Turdmaggot’s moves seem like the haphazard flailing of puppets made from baboon colons, this one makes sense. Going forward, Trumpism will require a steady stream of rubes to survive, so obviously education is the enemy.
A new substance, thought to be deadliest poison known to mankind, has been distilled from the impotent ragesweat that dripped off Sebastian Gorka’s pockmarked jowls when he heard about a gay wedding on the animated Arthur show. It’s a crazy goddamn world these days, but I hope we can all take a moment to smile at ChubNazi losing a culture war to a cartoon.
So, the Braindead Fuckwad Administration has used their Hey Sorry We Blew Up the Agricultural Economy But the Boss is Too Dumb to Understand Trade farm bailout to funnel 62 million of our taxpayer dollars to a couple of criminal Brazilian meatpacking barons. No justification whatsoever, just “Here, foreign crooks, have a bunch of money,” while the tariffs wreak havoc on American families, and this shit isn’t even front page news. There’s no punchline in this paragraph, because the joke is on us.
On the heels of Georgia’s horrific abortion law, Alabama said, “Hold My Glass of Water With a Little Grass in it For Flavor Because We’re One of the Poorest States in the Country So We Can’t Afford Beer But We’re Not Doing Anything About THAT We’re Too Busy Making Women Less Than Fully Human, Legally,” and passed an even MORE restrictive ban.
Not to be outdone, the sniveling Republican cowards in the Missouri Senate snuck their own If You Really Need an Excuse Let’s Call it Fetal Heartbeat I Guess bill through in the middle of the night. Check your cabinets and under your bed, folks, there’s probably a GOP state legislature passing a hellishly restrictive abortion ban while you’re not looking.
And the Senate GOP, including allegedly pro-choice Lisa Murkowski, decided to make Froth-Mouthed Conspiracy Geyser Wendy Vitter, who thinks birth control and abortion cause cancer, and is basically “meh” on Brown v. Board of Education, a federal judge for life. They have to run out of these lunatics at some point, right? Maybe Michele Bachmann can host some sort of demented reality show where they probe the comments sections of Breitbart and InfoWars to find the biggest maniac in all of Cult45, and Mitch McConnell installs the winner on the D.C. Circuit.
…but don’t call it a War on Women, right?
Hey, if anybody out there is facing a prison sentence they’d rather not serve, good news! There’s a simple two-step process to make all your troubles disappear like Donald Trump’s checkbook at a charity fundraiser!
- Find the President’s ass.
- Kiss it. Really kiss that ass. A little tongue certainly wouldn’t hurt.
Don’t believe me? Sure worked for Conrad Black. He wrote a whole book, chock-full of glute-smoochin’, and he just joined the ranks of the unjustly pardoned! (By the way, if you gathered every crotchrash Weehands McNodick has pardoned so far, you’d have history’s shittiest cocktail party, wouldn’t you?)
And the Ostomy Bag with the Dead Tabby on Top announced a big, stupid, immigration “plan” that won’t go anywhere because he’s a loser who sucks at his job. One bit I particularly enjoyed was the call for a “civics test” for legal immigrants. Sure, Don. Let’s make ‘em touch their toes, explain how tariffs work, and tie a necktie to an appropriate length, as long we’re imposing standards you can’t meet.
The Pentagon finally dusted off the ol’ podium in the DoD briefing room for the first on-camera press briefing in nearly a year…hang on, nope, it was just Gene Simmons, false alarm.
According to Ukraine’s prosecutor general, Rudy Giuliani’s allegations against Diamond Joe Biden and Son are nothing but a cousin-fucking lie, which means we certainly won’t hear any more about this baseless right-wing smear job, just like Benghazi and Seth Rich and Pizzagate and Operation: Jade Helm.
Also, the Velveeta Vulgarian released a financial disclosure form, revealing that the business of selling access to himself at Marm-a-Lago and setting up a giant bribe jar in the form of his D.C. hotel is awfully profitable, and so dang easy that even he can’t fuck it up, unlike literally every other business he’s run in his life.
And who should pop back up on our radar today but Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn! Seems Mikey did an awful lot of singing to the Mueller investigation about Poosquirt & Co.’s repeated attempts to obstruct all that pesky justice, including handing over a recording of some jagoff “connected to the administration or Congress” trying to get him to clam up after he entered into his plea deal, and if that turns out to be Devin Nunes, I will throw a party so long, loud, and raucous, Andrew W.K. will knock on my door to request that I please turn it down, he is trying to sleep.
Hey, if you really feel like cringing, read this late-breaking WaPo story, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ dorky micromanagement of the Big Dumb Wall That Will Never Get Built. He’s like a sadistic child playing with blocks, it’s about half an inch from “sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads,” that magical combination of hateful and humiliatingly idiotic that just screams…”Donald Trump.”
I dunno, maybe this is the night. Keep an eye on Anderson Cooper…I bet it starts with a barely-perceptible twitch in the corner of his eye, but by the time he gets to Flynn, he’ll be peeling his skin off.