Reading the news these days is like being locked in a tank that’s rapidly filling with distilled, liquid, madness, doing your damndest to evolve gills. Still, I will be goddamned if I let this fuckery ruin Olivia de Havilland’s 103rd birthday for me!

A federal court ruled that despite President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic’s most fervent wishes, laws still matter, and his inability to get Congress to appropriate funds for his Big Stupid Wall doesn’t constitute a state of emergency; it’s really more of a state of you’re-a-giant-moron-who-sucks-at-his-job-anyway-no-wall-for-you-Fucko. Anyway, be on the lookout for the forthcoming Topps trading card set depicting every thrilling Dotard court defeat, with special limited edition cards autographed by the very judges who issued these democracy-saving decisions.

I guess it was Take Your Dipshit Daughter to Work Day over at the G-20 in Japan, as Shart Garfunkel figured maybe if he let Princess Ivanka play world leader for a few days, she’d let him touch her butt. In a sign of their profound respect for our current administration, the French government released a video of Daddy’s Little Girl trying to butt into a conversation between actual, legit, policy makers, like a five-year-old wandering into an operating theater with a little plastic stethoscope around her neck.

Now, everyone’s either mocking or disparaging (or both…mocksparaging?) Ivanka’s unwelcome intrusion at the grown-ups’ table, but when Tangerine Idi Amin converts the office of the Presidency into a hereditary dynasty, do you really want Junior, or heaven forbid, ERIC in charge? Always choose the least of three dangerously privileged nitwits, as my daddy used to say.

Bowing to his insatiable thirst for attention and unerring instinct for debasing the United States, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot arranged a little side trip to North Korea, eager to once again lay down like a doormat for the guy who not only tortured an American citizen to death, but actually sent the U.S. a fucking bill for his trouble. Dumbass even invited the skeevy little freak back to the White House; “Hell, while you’re visiting, why don’t we swing by the Warmbier place, we can drink all their booze, fart on their couch, and maybe wander over to Otto’s grave to piss on it literally instead of just metaphorically for a change.”

And in one of the most pathetic acts yet by a deeply pathetic man, Donnie Two-Scoops went on a sad little tirade about how Barack Obama desperately wanted to hang out with Kim Jong-un so so bad, but Kim didn’t wanna, even when Barack offered him a free trip to Chuck E Cheese’s with enough quarters to play all the way through the Ninja Turtle arcade game, because he was waiting for a much cooler President, one with super rad way long neckties and silly balloon pants. Everybody believes you, bro. Really they do.

Anyway, the right wing media jagosphere, constitutionally incapable of learning from past mistakes, praised their Turd Emperor as the very God of Peacemaking, conveniently ignoring the two previous times Kim gorged himself on the proffered buffet of legitimacy, stuck America with the check, and gave the Shart of the Deal a steaming bowl of Not One Fucking Thing in return. But I bet it all works out perfectly this time, campers. Fer sure.

We learned that the National Security Advisor didn’t accompany Boss Shitstain to North Korea, which is, of course, highly irregular, though that almost seems like good news when you remember the current NSA is blood-crazed maniac John Bolton. But then we learned that Tucker “Look, Leadership Means Mass Murder, Everybody Knows That” Carlson accompanied the President instead, which kinda makes you long for Bolton’s calm, steadying hand, and I suppose I may as well stop writing now because your head just exploded.

A Canadian cartoonist got fired from a number of newspapers over a cartoon suggesting that the Carcinogenic Creamsicle cares more about golfing than migrant children dying at the border, which is odd, because that’s the single most obvious thing in the fucking world. It’s about as controversial as a cartoon suggesting that there’s peanut butter in a peanut butter sandwich, or that Rudy Giuliani is a cousin-fucking creep.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder was jailed over the weekend, a just and fitting punishment for his role in the Flint water crisis. Excuse me, that’s not right, I was reading the news from an alternate reality where things make sense. In our timeline, Snyder was named a senior research fellow at fucking Harvard, because poisoning your own constituents is a path to glory and prestige, here in Shitty Wonderland.

Today in Entirely Predictable Consequences, Iran surpassed the uranium enrichment limits agreed upon in the carefully-negotiated-if-somewhat-uninspiringly-labeled “Iran Deal.” So yeah, we’re back to a nuclear arms race in the Middle East because safety and security are infinitely less important to our President than rubbing his ass all over his predecessor’s legacy.

Boy howdy, the Manchurian Manchild sure is hellbent on having a bunch of big, ugly, tanks at his “Yes, I Can Fuck Up Even the Fourth of July” party. Y’know, he’s fought harder to roll tanks down the National Mall than he ever has, in more than two years, to improve a single American’s life*. Anyway, the “party of fiscal responsibility” is curiously silent about this latest sacrifice of taxpayer dollars on the altar of Maybe Giving Baron Fatfuk One Last Erection But Probably Not.

Politico posted a fun little article on how the Marmalade Shartcannon’s personal pet Congressdopes are planning to use the upcoming Mueller hearings to pummel themselves about the head and groin with sledgehammers, by attacking a damn-near-universally-respected law enforcement official with conspiracy theories they came up with while smoking oregano over at Devin Nunes’ house. Dunning-Kruger is REAL, folks. So very real.

I see Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is writing a memoir, but I bet it winds up shelved in the fiction section AYYYYYYYYYYYYY get it? Cuz she lies so much? The FICTION SECTION? Anyway, what’s with airline food, amiright?

If anybody out there enjoys the sensation of nauseous horror, BOY DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU. See, the good folks over at ProPublica found out about a secret Facebook group where 9,500 Border Patrol agents get together to blow off a little steam with hate speech and homicidal ideation! Nothin’ to worry about, folks, it’s just a culture of dehumanizing racism and sexism festering within the very law enforcement agency operating concentration camps on American soil! What could possibly go wrong?

I feel like it might be a fun challenge going forward, to try to write this blog without making Nazi comparisons, but Border Patrol, you’re makin’ it tough. Y’know what? If you’re denying detainees water, and laughing as you tell them to drink out of the toilet instead, as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other Congressmen reported from a CBP facility in southern Texas, guess what, you’re a Nazi. That’s a legit crime against humanity, and for the safety of society, it’s YOU who needs to be locked up.

We Don’t Actually Live in Hell Truthers keep asserting, against all available evidence, that we don’t live in Hell, but I ask you, would Ted Cruz compare himself to Rosa Parks anywhere else but in Hell? I think we can go ahead and shut the door on this particular argument.

New research suggests that, while we can’t know for certain, all the artisanal disinformation from those Russian troll farmer’s markets may have indeed contributed to the unexpected growth of the apricot-tinted tumor in the Oval Office.

Now, this is timely news, as we’re already dealing with a nigh-biblical flood of internet bullshit centered around the 2020 elections, from a fake Biden campaign site (Faux Joe? Oh no!) to some deeply despicable shit about Kamala Harris, promoted by such leading conservative intellectuals as Turdworm, Jr. himself. Anyway, when your cousin back home (the one who gets all his news from memes) posts that article from QisGod.MagaNet claiming Elizabeth Warren subsists entirely on a diet of babies seasoned with ground-up bits of the original Declaration of Independence, please don’t be shy about issuing corrections.

And it looks like Mike Pompeo has been using his Diplomatic Security agents to run personal errands for him, paid for with your taxpayer dollars. Yes, YOU. You reading this right now. I’m choosing to believe it was YOUR money, specifically, that was used to finance that one trip where highly trained security personnel picked Mike’s dog up from the groomer. Bet you feel like a chump, don’tcha?

On that note, I’m gonna go spend some of my money on beer, before Scott Pruitt breaks into my house looking for lotion money. Stay safe out there, Resisters!

*Ok, “a single non-megarich American’s life.”