Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
I’m Home Alone With the News, and Trump Hasn’t Been Cut From My Copy, Dammit
Well, Santa left me a couple cases of my favorite IPA, and a new pair of shit-kickin’ boots, so I’m all outfitted for a whole new year of resistin’. Let’s plow through one last news roundup, and march on to 2020, when we finally get rid of this treasonous fuckhead once and for all, shall we?
I’m sure you all enjoyed the latest full frontal assault on Real ‘Murica in our annual War on Xmas; I know nothing makes me feel any hollier or jollier than crushing the traditional values of decent folk, like, for example, Arizona Congressjag Paul Gosar, who marked the season of love and hope and giving by tweeting out an old video of Hillary Clinton nearly getting killed by a piece of falling lighting equipment during an interview. You can’t even get mad at a guy like that; if you’re so deranged with hatred that you don’t have anything better to do on Xmas Day, bro, your life is its own reward.
Meanwhile Fake Historian/Actual Felon Dinesh D’Souza manifested his holiday spirit by…feuding with Auschwitz Museum on Twitter. For real. I swear. Look, I don’t make the news, I just write extremely juvenile jokes about it.
I see Chuck Todd has finally begun to theatrically scratch his chin and theorize that there’s something fishy going on with these Republican types. “Say,” mused Chuckles, the dimmest imaginable cartoon lightbulb appearing above his head, “I do believe those right-wing fellows have been using my softball interviews as a platform to spread misinformation!” before ordering his scheduling team to book even more right-wing liars on his show to spread even more misinformation.
…if I die soon, I’m going to use my dying breaths to scrawl “Facebook, reality TV, and bothsidesism” in the dirt with my finger, so that future generations will know what brought about the end of humanity.
Good news for the tremblingly insecure man-baby who throws himself a party every time he breaks 50% in a Rasmussen survey, we finally found a poll where you’re the runaway victor! Of course, it’s a German poll, and it doesn’t so much measure “job approval” as “among the world’s many authoritarian crotchtumors, who is the single biggest threat to world peace?” Still, you ran circles around your buddy, Kim Jong-un, which’ll give you something to brag about the next time he’s making you jump through hoops for his own amusement.
After nearly three years of nonstop crime and scandal, Oklahoma Senator James Lankford has finally mustered the dollhouse teacup’s worth of courage to buck Republican Party orthodoxy and proclaim that Hairplug Himmler, Thief of Charity Funds and Opener of Concentration Camps, is, and you may want to be near a fainting couch before you continue reading…not a good role model for th’kids. Such moral courage hasn’t been seen since Thomas More, surely. Naturally, we should expect Lankford to continue voting with Captain Shitty Role Model 90% of the time, including letting him off the hook for all his well-documented high crimes, and also Mr. Trump, sir, I can stand guard at the front door of the National Archives while you set the Constitution on fire, if you’d like that, sir?
If you’re looking for a role model, kiddo, there are plenty of examples close by, all you have to do is pull your head out Donnie Two-Scoops’ ass and look across the proverbial aisle.
A new Federal Reserve study tells us that Strawberry Shartcake’s idiot tariffs backfired, leading to job losses and higher prices and other general crotch stomps to the American economy. Does it really count as “backfiring” when literally everyone with two brain cells to rub together expected this result, though? Like “holy shit, my Crab-Rangoon-and-Häagen-Dazs diet backfired, who could have foreseen this mysterious and unexpected outcome?”
As you are no doubt aware, there’s been a wave of anti-Semitic violence sweeping over New York City, horrifically punctuated by a mass stabbing at a rabbi’s house during a Hanukkah celebration. I’m sure there were some Very Fine People™️ on both sides of the attacks, right?
While Jewish Americans struggled to cope with the inevitable consequences of stochastic terrorism fed by the constant bigotry emanating from the highest office in the land, the President‘s large adult son was quick to condemn the hatred and violence, offering to assist the grieving communities in any way he JUST KIDDING the kid had a total meltdown because his douchebag dad’s cameo got cut from the Canadian broadcast of Home Alone 2, which Cult45 apparently interprets as a massive media conspiracy, instead of a years-old decision to trim the film to accommodate commercial breaks. Man, it must be exhausting, perpetually scanning the world for bullshit excuses to claim victimhood.
(I write this from the trenches outside Toronto, by the way; Dear Leader has demanded bloody restitution and restoration of his scene, plus a sequel in which he and Kevin McCallister go on a road trip, beat up Antifa together, and score a bunch of chicks.)
And we learned more about Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s favorite new campaign surrogate, Eddie Gallagher. Now, I’m not always the most pleasant person to be around, but I’m proud to say I’ve never been described as “freaking evil” by any past co-workers, but then, I’m not a psychopathic mass murderer. I dunno, maybe he likes hanging out with Eddie because it means he’s not necessarily the most reprehensible sack of shit in the room, which must be a refreshing change.
Locked away in the Shart House over the long holiday weekend with no company beyond the hallucinations brought on by his experimental hair tonic, President Gas Station Urinal Cake went on a so-unhinged-you’d-think-there-was-an-accident-at-the-door-factory Twitter rant that not only publicly outed the alleged whistleblower, but lent the presidential pulpit to several of the frothiest lunatics in the QAnon movement. This commitment to ever-more-ridiculous levels of misinformation will probably have truly terrible consequences for our beloved country, but we shouldn’t rule out the possibility of transforming into a civilization like the aliens in Galaxy Quest, who believed old television shows were historical documentaries. I mean, yeah, we’re probably headed for some sort of dystopia, but there’s an outside chance it will also be hilarious.
Well, the Candycorn Skidmark had another secret phone call with his BFF Vlad, and like always, he tried to hide it from the American public, but then Pootie-Poo blabbed about it to the whole cafeteria during lunchtime, and also the stuff about Donnie wetting the bed and trying to make it look like pee hookers did it, how embarrassing. Anyway, the Not at All a Russian Asset Prez is still sneaking around behind America’s back to whisper sweet nothings at the dude who ordered an attack on our last presidential election, KEWL*.
Well, you probably saw the thing where the Failing New York Times did that deep dive into what’s currently known about Weehands McNodick’s what-if-the-Three-Stooges-did-a-bunch-of-meth-and-then-conducted-international-diplomacy crime spree, and it’s what the Poet would call “a doozy.” It’s a tale full of crimes and lies and coverups, with a quivering orange pile of poo in the middle, desperate for fabricated dirt on a man he knows he could never hope to defeat, in either a fair election or a push-up contest.
Democrats point to new revelations in the article as evidence that co-conspirators like Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pompeo must testify in the Senate’s impeachment trial, while Mitch McConnell, of course, sees only more evidence to be swept under the rug, and there’s already so much shit down there that he bumps his little turtle head on the ceiling every time he sits behind his desk, so can he please just get back to confirming skeevy, under-qualified, hacks to lifetime judicial appointments, that’s much more fun. How much more evidence will turn up before Nancy takes pity on the Marmalade Shartcannon and passes the articles of impeachment on to the Senate, I wonder?
And now I see Rudy Giuliani’s ratfucking partner (ew), Lev Parnas, is looking to regift a bunch of old evidence he has lying around, to investigators with the House Intelligence Committee. I’m told there’s even an iPhone on the table; Adam Schiff gets all the cool shit, no fair!
Aaaaand…that’s it. Yeah, it’s been a week since the last blog, but it’s still kinda light. Well, it’s the holidays; let’s just enjoy the break before we, y’know, fight like hell to win our country back in the coming year. Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’ll be out back, beating the last remnants of 2019 to death with a fucking sledgehammer.
*Not actually kewl.
And don’t forget, coming soooooon…