Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
In short, Daddy Kushner was disbarred, disgraced, and imprisoned for his sad, sordid crimes. Crimes he no doubt imagined his wealth would enable him to get away with, but which his personal lack of intelligence left him on the hook for.
And by gum, Jared is hell-bent on following in his daddy’s footsteps!
Just like his Idiot Manchild father-in-law, Jared pretends to be a Fancy Important Businessguy mostly by spending his father’s money unwisely. Ol’ Pop-Pop even bought his boy his very own newspaper as a graduation present, which Jared proceeded to fuck up and turn into a cheap rag, which, isn’t this weird, was one of the only papers in the country to endorse a certain Rancid Orange Tumor for President.
Kushner and his cheap crook Dad famously overpaid (like, seriously overpaid. Like, I’ll-give-you-thirty-grand-for-that-donut overpaid) for a Manhattan skyscraper in 2007, and it’s been bleeding Kushner Kash ever since. Shit, even with Jared abusing his government post to gin up foreign interest, he can’t even get favor-seeking Chinese investors to bail his sorry ass out.
In spite of his demonstrated inability to execute any job with any competence whatsoever, Young Jared and His Cartoon Dweeb Voice find themselves occupying a perch of mind-bending power in Shart Garfunkel’s administration.
Jar-Jar’s office oversees a massive portfolio, ranging from China and Mexico to reducing waste in government to the opioid epidemic to bringing peace to the Middle East to picking the White House radio station to How Do You Get That Last Bit of Peanut Butter Out of the Jar, If We Could Just Get Back All That Wasted Peanut Butter, We’d Rule the World, Man…
And you might ask yourself, why the fuck does any man, even one as rock-salt-stupid as Donald Trump, trust a pimple-voiced idiot like Jared Kushner to scramble eggs, let alone tackle the most elusive peace problem in the history of the world?
Well, look at it from Drumpfy’s perspective. Here’s a man who’s been insulated from any semblance of consequences by unearned wealth his entire life. A man who can, and does, buy whatever the fuck he wants. He’s bought his way out of legal trouble time and again. He bought himself fame. He bought himself the presidency, for Christ’s sake. He’s cheated and lied and fucked countless associates over, and has never been forced to accept the tiniest bit of comeuppance, meanwhile indulging his every grotesque whim.
There’s only one thing in his life he’s ever really wanted that he’s been denied. And that so happens to be a thing Jared has. COUGHCOUGHFUCKINGHISDAUGHTER.
See, when you just look at it from the Shart’s perspective, you’re talking about the guy who found the holy grail. No wonder he believes there’s nothing Jared can’t do. Shit, it’s a miracle he didn’t make him Secretary of Energy, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Surgeon General and Padishah Emperor of the Known Universe, too.
Anyhow, Kid Kushner finds himself in deeper and deeper shit as the calendar pages peel off. He seems to have neglected to mention a few meetings with Russian officials on his security clearance forms. Silly Billy! Don’t you know that’s a fairly serious crime! You should pay more attention, Lil’ Fellah!
And now it’s turned up that Jared may be involved with using the National Enquirer to pressure (or blackmail, if you’re feelin’ frisky) Joe n’ Mika, and his name popped up on a dead GOP operative’s recruitment letter for an effort to collude with Russian hackers to gain access to Hillary Clinton’s emails.
So I guess the race in on! Will Jar-Jar be able to abuse his government post long enough to build the wealth necessary to flee the country and build a fortress in a nation that has no extradition treaty with the U.S., or will Bob Mueller catch up to him and throw his sorry ass in the very same jail cell where his daddy used to bunk? IT’S LIKE A FUN LITTLE GAME SHOW.