Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
See, fucked up as our nation is these days, even the reddest states can’t quite figure out a way to pass Your Skin Must Be This Light to Vote Here, or Maybe White People Should Get Two Votes laws, so the best available solution seems to be Oh Let’s Just Say Voter Fraud is Rampant Despite a Total Lack of Evidence So We’ll Just Pass Laws in the Name of Stopping it That Disproportionally Disenfranchise Groups That Don’t Vote For Republicans Isn’t That a Weird Coincidence?
And that’s where KKKris kkkomes in. Yes, if you’ve got an Ivy League degree or two, maybe you can you burn your cross into the very fabric of American law!
Clean-shaven and credentialed, the Kansas Secretary of State serves as the respectable face of the very same ideology that drove a car into that Charlottesville crowd, that murdered nine people in a church in Charleston, that wonders why we can’t go back to the good ol’ days when you never had to see a non-white protagonist on the teevee, and when you could always stave off the boredom on a slow Sunday afternoon with a lynching or two.
In his younger days, KKKobach traveled the nation as a freelance white nationalist lawyer for hire, riding into town (probably in an Audi), like a John Carradine gunslinger, only less honest, and not nearly as tough. Basically just smarmy, is what I’m getting at.
He’d tip his cap and say “Ma’am, it’s my understanding that y’all have some dark-skinned folks in this here town operatin’ under the delusion that they’re people. With rights and whatnot. You just let ol’ Kris take care o’ that for you.” And then he’d defend whatever draconian measure the municipality had enacted.
In the process, KKKobach built up a substantial personal bank account and a national following amongst the white hood set, becoming a hero to those who believe We the People should have an asterisk denoting that Oh Hey, This Only Means the White Ones.
All those shitty, super-racist state level laws you’ve read about over the last decade or so? Arizona? Alabama? That’s KKKobach writing his What If The South Won the Civil War fanfic. Thankfully, the courts have been pretty good at stomping on his dick. White supremacists have a powerful natural enemy in the Constitution of the United States of America, thank heaven.
Sadly, the election of an easily-manipulatable hategoon like Donnie Wallbuilder is KKKobach’s wettest dream made reality. And suddenly he finds himself heading his very own Commission on Election “Integrity.”
Now, SPOILERZ, KKKris’s Kooky Kulling Komission is going to produce a report claiming that thousands, possibly millions of undocumented immigrants are slinking into your town to steal your jobs, jerk off in your linen cabinets, and replace your school board with MS-13 members. Naturally, that means massive new restrictions on voting rights are necessary, lest the invading hordes replace the Bruce Willis movies in your Netflix queue with Carlos Mencia routines.
The report will of course be thoroughly debunked within 14 minutes of being posted, because it will be, like all of KKKobach’s work, nothing but fabricated horseshit.
Take, for example, his pathetic attempt to “prove” that swarms of nefarious illegal voters swung the New Hampshire senate seat in 2016. Totally phony, and he knew it was phony.
See, that’s the thing about KKKobach’s operation; he knows he’s lying. The people he works with fully understand that they’re all lying. They don’t care. Its not about the truth. It’s about finding a plausible-sounding excuse to steal peoples’ rights.
It’s about burnin’ that big ol’ cross.
So yeah, he’ll make his fake report. And it’ll get blasted across Fox and Sinclair and InfoWars and Breitbart as gospel truth, and the retraction, if it comes at all, will be buried in small print next to the Marmaduke comic.
KKKobach is, on one hand, a comically dishonest charlatan. But if we take our eyes off him for one minute, he might just wind up the most dangerous man in America.
So let’s not take our eyes off him, huh? Fucker wants to be the next Governor of Kansas.