Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Your Late Xmas Gift, the Chance to Laugh at Moore, Haley, Milo, Huckabee, Hatch, & All the Other Clowns
Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT.
Let’s starting diggin’ through it.
Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious “Utahn of the Year” award from the Salt Lake Tribune, because he only looked at the headline, while the article actually gave him the Wrinkly-Ass Power-Mad Jagoff We Wish Would Go Away Forever Award.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is gathering a small but terrifying gang of Republican CongressFinks, sinister white mediocrities worthy of being cast as the bad guys in some shitty teenage soap drama, set in a prep school, starring the least popular member of a second-rate boy band.
They’ve swung by the Used Ideologies lot, and taken authoritarianism out for a test drive. They go on the teevee to call for the FBI to be “purged” of dissenters, because they don’t believe Democrats have the right to enforce laws when it’s Republicans doing the law-breaking. They’re insisting the Mueller investigation, which has already yielded the indictment of four high-ranking Trump officials, including two felony confessions, is a “witch hunt.”
The Pigfucker himself is allegedly preparing a report on all the “corruption” in the FBI, where agents are allowed to serve without praying to a giant butter sculpture of Tangerine Idi Amin five times a day.
These Treasonweasels are, in short, all too happy to whack away at the fundamental pillars of American democracy, while they fantasize about being made capos in whatever dystopia arises from the rubble. Keep both eyes on these fuckheads, folks. They’re dumbasses, but they’re dangerous.
Word on the street, or at least the cul-de-sac in the gated community, is that the Koch brothers plan to spend a few of the excess millions the GOP just handed them on a campaign to help the serf classes learn to love the ever-widening economic inequality chasm.
The campaign is to feature Kelsey Grammer delivering lectures on all the magnificent freedom that comes with not being able to afford health insurance, while sitting atop a large pile of rubies.
The Failing New York Times published an article that’s frankly humiliating for any American who cares about their country to read, about Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford’s imbecilic blundering on the international stage, where foreign leaders either tiptoe around him like a petulant rich kid who throws a fit when his ignorance is exposed, or feed him platefuls of empty flattery because they understand that doing so enables them to manipulate him.
I just want the next President to be a grown-up, that’s all.
The Drumpf administration finally removed the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness, Excessive Protections for Nursing Home Residents! Yes, for those of you inclined towards elder abuse, the gloves are finally off! Go ahead and booby-trap that wheelchair, fines have never been lower! MAGAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Jiggly HateBumpkin Mike Huckabee proclaimed that Winston Churchill and President Crotchvoid are basically the same person, and the whole fucking world roasted him for being such a ridiculous ass-kisser. Me, I can think of a few other Gary Oldman characters that would be more suitable for comparison.
You recall that Malignant Caveman Corey Lewandowski recently proclaimed his own hand to be God’s Personal Gift to the Under-Slapped Asses of the World? Well, you’ll be happy to learn Joy Villa has officially filed a sexual assault report against the Drumpf loyalist. Have fun being a registered sex criminal, Corey!
The Hairplug That Ate Decency broke with tradition yet again, this time becoming the first elected president in the history of Gallup’s “Most Admired Man” poll to lose in his first year in office. Learning he’s less admired than his predecessor won’t both Drumpfy at all, because he is such a secure, confident, man.*
The President can take comfort in the Gallup polls he DID win, including “Biggest Traitor,” “Most Likely to Ruin a Perfectly Good Steak,” and the prestigious “Person I Would Not Piss on if They Were On Fire” poll.
Anyway, because the President is a coward, he won’t even own up to golfing when he’s golfing, hilariously dispatching a truck to block journalists’ view of his golf course, with “I’M NOT GOLFING, YOUR FACE IS GOLFING” scrawled in purple crayon on the side.
Pity poor Steve Bannon, he’s juggling so many racist ex-boyfriends it’s like a RomCom starring David Duke and Richard Spencer, with our pockmarked hero in the middle!
Paul Nehlen, famous for being the only human being on Earth shitty enough to make Paul Ryan look like the good guy in an election, went FULL NAZI this week, to the point where even Breitbart had to cut ties, acting like Nehlen’s previous work for the site was mostly fantasy baseball tips and stroganoff recipes, and they had no idea he was such a racist bastard. Sure. Whatever.
And then there’s Milo. More on that in a minute.
Bloomberg reports a Russian-Oligarch-owned steel company is flooding the American market with cheap Russian-Oligarch-owned steel while American steel workers wonder where all those jobs Dorito Mussolini promised them went. America first? Well…we’ll keep you in the top ten. For now.
That Omarasa person, recently fired from her high profile job as…Nobody Knows What She Did But Holy Fuck She Walked Away With a Big Ol’ Heap of Taxpayer Scratch, seems to be vindictively shopping a nasty tell-all about the Drumpf marriage, including sordid details such as “How many drugs Melania needs to take before going to bed with her husband,” and “What the President mistakenly believes the ‘pussy’ to be, and why he grabs it.”
With disgraced former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn cooperating with the Mueller investigation of All Things Shart, Littlefinger’s crack legal team apparently plans to paint the Turkish Delight as a big fat liar who lies, and also we barely knew the guy.
“You mean Crazy Old Man Flynn from the abandoned amusement park? He used to dress up like Florence Foster Jenkins, and insist on singing his national security briefings! Mike would fill his underpants with Fritos because he liked the crunchy noise he’d make when he sat down! We was onto him from the start!”
…good luck, Ty.
Doug Jones was officially certified as Alabama’s next Senator, despite Former Judge/Noted Child Molester Roy Moore’s pathetic last-minute legal tantrum. He insisted there was voter fraud, because what other explanation could their possibly be for African-Americans turning out to vote against a guy who had so many kind things to say about slavery? He also claimed to have taken a polygraph test, which, no, you don’t ever get to see, but trust Roy, it cleared him of all wrongdoing.
Anyway, he demanded an electoral do-over, because he really really really wanted to be a Senator, even more than he wanted to date a Mouseketeer, and that was a whole lot, trust me.
Moore best move on, methinks. If he fixates on this Senate seat too much longer, he won’t be able to find a date to the prom.
Anyway, you’re a gigantic fucking loser, “Judge.” Go away forever now.
And, in a wacky coincidence, Roy isn’t even the only unhinged, far-right, pro-pedophile maniac getting humiliated in court today! If you need some laffs, check in on the editorial crotch-punting delivered to Subpar Troll/Wannabe Literary Superstar Milo Wedon’trememberyourname-o, courtesy of his own embarrassing lawsuit.
Proving the Republican Party of 2017 is entirely rotten to its very core, some Indiana State GOP CongressTurd wants a law where the Colts would have to refund a fan’s money if the fan were subjected to the veritable holocaust of…watching a black man kneel in silent protest. So yeah, from the President down to the local water commissioner, these guys are freedom-hating fascists, and we need to replace them all, ASAP, with people who actually, y’know…believe in America.
Failed DiploBully Nikki Haley humiliated herself on the international stage, AGAIN, because it’s kind of her thing. This time, the U.N. Ambassador was tricked by a pair of Russian comedians into commenting on the political situation in a non-existent island nation. Maybe I’m some sort of Coastal Elitist Snowflake Cuck, but I believe America’s leading diplomats should be able to tell the difference between real countries and fake ones.
Oh hey, NBD, but a Shart House intern flashed a white power sign in a group photo with President Very Fine People. I’m starting my I WAS A NAZI INTERN b-movie screenplay ten minutes after I get this post up.
As I was writing tonight’s update, SHARTUS tweeted “COME AT ME, BRO” at global warming, and NYT published a fresh, new, utterly nutty interview with him. So if you were hoping that your Idiot Manchild President took some time over the holidays to reflect on his weighty responsibilities, and decided to grow up and face them with newfound commitment and maturity…I have some bad news.
Anyway, that’s all the gnus that’s fit to shriek in existential terror at. And if you don’t like it, maybe you should just TAKE UP KNITTING.