Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Look, When You Elect a Billion-Dollar Loser, Things’re Gonna Get a Little Wacky
Hey campers, happy two-year anniversary to the Comey firing! That was nuts, wasn’t it? I didn’t think it was even possible for shit to get any crazier than that. But look at where we are today; the plague is back. THE PLAGUE. The plague is back because people are eating uncooked marmot. Shit can always get crazier, is what I’m saying.
Illegitimate Georgia Governor Brian Kemp gleefully signed a new Republican abortion ban into law. The bill is…draconian, and while “draconian” is an awesome word that I’m usually delighted to use, HOLY FUCK this is horrifying shit. Obviously, it criminalizes abortion before many women even know they’re pregnant, but for extra patriarchy pointz, women can also be sentenced to decades in prison just for miscarrying! You can even go to jail if you get a legal abortion in another state! It’s now illegal in Georgia to write or speak any sentence that uses all the letters in the word “abortion.” You can be flogged just for reading this paragraph.
As bad as the Georgia bill is, the theocrats next door in Alabama (those righteous “Christians” who keep on voting for serial child molester Roy Moore) are so eager to pass their own Women Are Almost People But Not Really Act that they’re trampling over their own rules to get it done. Everybody wants to be the lucky legislature that passes the bill that finally gives Brett Kavanaugh the chance to cast the deciding vote striking down Roe v. Wade, while Susan Collins feigns shock and expresses mild disappointment.
Mitch McConnell declared “case closed” in the Russia investigation, which may have made him feel life a Big Tuff Boy, but since his trolly little speech didn’t unflip any of 40 House seats his party lost in their historic midterm sparking, it had precisely zero impact on the openness of said Russia investigation, so knock yourself out, Turtle Boy. Wrinkly Gamera has also started selling Cocaine Mitch t-shirts in his campaign store, targeted a hopefully-imaginary audience of hipster conservatives who are really into court-packing and Vampire Weekend.
Anyway, SUPER funny joke from a guy representing a state with one of the nation’s highest rates of drug overdose deaths, Mitch!
Tangerine Idi Amin pardoned a war criminal, because he likes doing repulsive things, but Sarah Slanders tells him he’ll lose points with the base if they see him kicking puppies. In the end, Trumpism is mostly about shittiness; excusing it, ignoring it, praising it, elevating it. Gone are the days of “ask not what your country can do for you” in this era of “let’s find out just how much we can get away with.”
Scandal in Shartopia as onetime SCROTUS ally David Bossie got caught running a con on Cult45 without tithing to Grand Wizard Grifter himself. Nobody milks the rubes but the Donald, David! Isn’t there some sort of Swindler Guild, where an aged, bloated, carbuncled, Elder Conman God can settle such disputes, ideally by throwing the combatants into a pit to sort out their differences with a hammer or two?
And it seems our old pal Michael Cohen performed a little freelance fixing for Jerry Falwell, Jr., helping him bury some naughty, dirty, not-safe-for-phony-megachurch, photographs, which probably doesn’t have anything to do with Jerry abandoning every single word of the Bible to endorse a pussy-grabbing dirtbag who steals from charity, wink wink. Look, it’s not my business if Jerry wants to suck chocolate-covered hamster corpses out of his wife’s butthole or melt candles that smell like his mother’s perfume onto his scrotum or dress up like Pontius Pilate and “wash” his hands with bull semen before intercourse, but God, if those photos ever leaked, I’d laugh for days.
Jacob Wohl, alongside his somehow equally-doltish partner (is there some sort of LinkedIn for the ambitious and inept?) not only called a press conference to shill his already-debunked hit on Pete Buttigieg, he tried to stage a fake protest nearby, in a sad effort to present himself as someone serious enough to merit opposition, which he most certainly is not. Y’know, some days, young Jacob’s endless appetite for personal humiliation is the only thing that gets me through.
Dana Milbank had his press pass revoked, in the latest act of bitchy authoritarianism from our thin-skinned overlords. What they really want to do is replace the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room with a satellite studio for the Sean Hannity Show. And if we don’t push back, they just might do it.
The ever-tantalizing Dance of Oversight and Obstruction (by George R.R. Martin) continues, with Congressional Democrats fulfilling their constitutional responsibility to sniff out fuckery in the executive branch, while the Shart House frantically tries to stuff all relevant documents, and probably Don McGahn, under the bed.
I honestly can’t keep track of all the arcane procedural maneuvers as the two sides snipe at one another. It feels sort of like a bureaucratic version of Magic: The Gathering, doesn’t it?
“I cast Subpoena!”
“Oh yeah, well I counter, claiming Executive Privilege!”
“You don’t have enough mana for that!”
“Cap, nobody will get these Magic: The Gathering jokes!”
“I don’t care, it’s my blog! And quit breaking the fourth wall!”
Now, it in no way offsets the mountains of unnecessary human suffering he’s responsible for, but Great Caesar’s Ghost, that story in the Failing New York Times, revealing the extent of Donnie Dotard’s historically massive business failings? Balm for our weary souls, was it not?
Let’s pick out a few choice details to relish, shall we? To deeply inhale? To rub all over our bodies? 1.2 BILLION dollars, vaporized by this cud-brained goon in just one short decade! More pure, unfiltered, failure than any taxpayer in America! Like setting 320 grand on fire, every single day, for ten years! My personal favorite goes a little something like, “his losses were so big that in 1991 they accounted for fully 1% of all business losses declared that year by individual American taxpayers.”
Unnnnnnnnnnnnngh that’s good stuff.
For a pathetic, fearful, narcissist like Weehands McNodick, this is quite literally his worst nightmare. Millions of people, all around the world, laughing in unison as the one secret he’s so desperately guarded his entire life spreads across every television set on Earth. From Times Square to the most secluded corners of the planet, scarcely touched by civilization, all of humankind knows what a pathetic loser you are, you pathetic loser, you.
Florida Congressjag Matt Gaetz, who sprang, fully formed, from one of the President’s stool samples, faces an investigation from the Florida bar for potential witness tampering, on account of that one time when he committed witness tampering on his motherfucking Twitter account in front of the whole motherfucking world. And we can all laugh at Matty’s flailing incompetence, but understand he’s building himself a biography with an eye on inheriting the Turd Emperor’s mantle someday. “Ooooo…stupid, hateful AND a criminal history? Let me get my checkbook!”
ANOTHER young man died stopping ANOTHER would-be mass-murderer in ANOTHER school shooting, but don’t worry, the Republican Party still values gun manufacturers’ profits over our lives, even when we’re right on the brink of needing a dedicated Condolences For Your Child Sacrificing Their Life to Save Their Classmates section in the Hallmark aisle of every grocery store in America.
Seth Meyers held Meghan McCain accountable for some of the horrible, dishonest, shit she’s said about Representative Ilhan Omar, and YOU DO NOT DO THAT TO WHITE GIRLS FROM RICH, POWERFUL, FAMILIES, SETH! Her husband, an odious propagandist, responded by attacking Meyers with a lil’ homophobic hate speech that would feel right at home in a Klan newsletter, which will in no way interfere with Meghan’s livelihood, portraying a compassionate, moderate, anti-Trump Republican on the magic teevee box.
Treasonweasel, Jr.’s unearned victory lap got interrupted by a surprise subpoena from the Senate Intelligence Committee, and he was caught so off guard, he snorted half his marshmallow fluff sandwich right out of his nose and into that ridiculous little “beard.” Now, Junior has lied to Congress, which is a crime, but most Senate Republicans are furious with Intel Chairman Richard Burr for issuing the subpoena, because the institutional GOP has been reduced to little more than a pro bono law firm for the Trump Syndicate. Imagine working your whole life to get to the U.S. Senate, only to spend your time and energy keeping a spoiled rich boy out of jail, like some small-town traffic cop on the take.
The kid’s making noises about defying the subpoena, which means we might get to see the little crotchfungus get arrested, but I honestly don’t think I’ve been a good enough little Cap this year to deserve such bounty. He’ll probably turn up in the end, with a pre-signed pardon pinned to his shirt, plead the fifth for a couple of hours, and run away.
Rumor has it the Velveeta Vulgarian is angry with John Bolton for not making all of Venezuela’s problems disappear in week. Fuck, Don, you’re the one who looked at that bloodthirsty maniac, with a resume that reads like a nine-volume Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedia of Failure, and said, “Somebody put this guy in charge of national security!” Oh and by the way, you couldn’t find Venezuela on a map…of Venezuela.
One of the weird things about the Trump Administration is that they hate losing in court, even though it’s the one thing they do best. It’s like if LeBron James hated playing basketball, or if Bill Mitchell hated being an obsequious nincompoop. Anyway, now Mike Pants is trying to get the Supreme Court to reduce the powers of the federal judiciary to, um, interpret and enforce the law, which is sort of what the judiciary is for. Now, this seems ridiculous on its face, but here in Hell, we certainly can’t count on the feral conservative SCOTUS majority to actually stand up for the Constitution. So, who do you figure is the swing vote on fascism issues? Roberts? HAHAHAHAHAH (weeps).
Klan rally campaign event in Florida, one of the frothier deplorables had so much economic anxiety that he shouted about how much he would like to shoot immigrants to death, with a gun, or perhaps several guns, and everyone in the room, including the President of the United States, agreed that this was a good and amusing thing to say. I wonder, is it stranger that this tar-souled tick of a man couldn’t muster the decency to say something as simple as “no, no, murder is bad and you should not kill people,” or that literally no one expected him to?
So, Just the White Guys on the Boston Red Sox went to visit the Shart House today. Or the “World Cup Series Champion” Boston “Red Socks,” as the Administration That Fails at the Simplest Imaginable Tasks put it.
All this shit just makes you proud to be a Democrat, doesn’t it? Me, I never thought I’d feel pride simply for believing in science, but now I’m practically strutting just cuz I don’t think vaccines are “sorcery,” like that one random doorknob who apparently got himself ELECTED TO THE TEXAS STATE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. Y’know, I’m used to Republicans behaving like it’s 1952, but now they seem to be shooting for 1452. Perhaps Roy Moore’s next campaign will revolve around denunciation of heathen technology like fire, and the wheel.*
Well, Iran is threatening to return to enriching their uranium stockpile, just the latest problem President Discarded Liposuction Fat has managed to un-solve and recreate. The Trump Doctrine is basically a measles outbreak in diplomatic form.
And with trade negotiations with China unraveling due to his petulant incompetence, the Shart of the Deal decided to crotch-punt the global economy with a huge new wave of tariffs, which, one more time for slow kid behind the Resolute Desk, are paid by American businesses and consumers, not the Chinese. Historically, few scholars have ever posited that vindictiveness and stupidity are components of effective leadership, but at least now we know for sure.
Patrick Shanahan, who was previously not qualified to be Acting Secretary of Defense has been promoted to not qualified to be Regular Ol’ Secretary of Defense. Pat seems like a garden-variety Republican hack rather than a dangerously stupid saboteur like Betsy DeVos or Scott Pruitt, but then, the last guy I said that about turned out to be William Barr, so maybe don’t turn to the drunk in the superhero mask for authoritative analysis.
I know I’m leaving some stuff out tonight, but holy fuck, wasn’t this enough? I don’t have the strength to cover the batshit impromptu Q&A from this morning, but feel free to watch it yourself, using the following Mad Libs format to create your own jokes:
“President Crotchrot lied about __________ because he is afraid of ______________.”
…you’ll be surprised how often that works.
Anyhow, take care of yourselves, Resisters! Don’t eat any plague marmot!
*Also, naturally, lowering the age of consent.