Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Marjorie Taylor Greene, Jenny Cudd, and Mike Lindell? Man, Fuck the News.
If I can borrow a gag, life in the United States these days is like, having finally been liberated from the face-eating tyranny of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party, millions of folks started throwing tantrums because their own faces remained uneaten, and further demanded hefty government investments into research to discover precisely what sorts of flavoring leopards find most enjoyable so they can season their cheeks and foreheads accordingly. People are fucking nuts, is what I’m saying.
I see the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian lost his already fungus-scraped-from-the-bottom-of-a-barrel-that-stores-yak-turds-for-some-reason legal team, because he demanded they base their case around the very same Big Lie that drew a flock of homicidal assclowns to D.C. to slaughter his enemies in the first place. Their replacements are even shittier, of course, which honestly impresses the fuck out of me.
Anyway, we’re at this really fun, really healthy-for-democracy place where the defendant in the upcoming impeachment trial 100% did everything he’s accused of, on camera in most instances, and even though he looks like he won’t be able to mount a middle-school-production-of-12-Angry-Men-worthy legal defense, Senate Republicans will let him off the hook anyway, on account of how they’re all in a fascist death cult together. So that’s not great.
Another really interesting thing conservatives are up to lately is mocking Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for publicly discussing the trauma of having a white supremacist hate mob sicced on you by your colleagues. Interesting in a “well, that’s…sociopathic…and very nearly inhuman” kind of way. And while I appreciate all this fresh insight into How Hitler Happened, it would also be really cool if Republicans would, y’know, cut this shit out before further blood is spilled.
Participants in the Stoopid Coo continue workin’ their way through the legal system, like so many undigested circus peanuts sliding down a colon. I’m always happy to see more Proud Boys behind bars, because I dunno, I’ve just always felt most things’re nicer without Brownshirts around.
If I had to pick, I’d say my favorite January 6th terrorist (collect the trading cards, twelve to a pack with a free stick of bubblegum) would have to be Jenny Cudd, who is not only what would happen if you asked a Zoltar machine to make an entire human being with no personality traits beyond white privilege, but is also somehow actually named JENNY CUDD.
Jenny Cudd joined a terrorist mob that injured 140 law enforcement officers and murdered one, and still had the unmitigated gall (I have yet to witness the mitigated kind, I confess) to ask the judge to let her go on a vacation to Mexico, but not without first making sure everyone knows she regrets nothing, and would totally attempt to overthrow the American government again, given half a chance.
Those rascally access journalists over at Axios got the skinny on one of the whackjob circle jerks that went down during the bunker phase of the fall of the Turd Reich, and ZOUNDS it’s chilling, reading about blathering nutcases like Sidney Powell and Mike Flynn, salivating at the prospect of seizing the powers of the federal government to end American democracy once and for all, knowing the Cornered-Rat-in-Chief would’ve happily given them everything they wanted, if he only could’ve gotten away with it.
(Hey, open letter to anybody who told Donald Trump “no” during the transition: I’d really like to buy you a beer some day.)
After four years of unchecked impunity, it sure is something to watch the propaganda-belching wingnut media recoil like vampires from the burning light of multi-billion dollar lawsuits brought by defamed voting machine companies. The good folks at Smartmatic, apparently displeased at having been made the target of Cult45’s harassment and death threats despite providing election technology to just ONE county in 2020, have all the biggest of the Big Liars in their sights: Powell, Giuliani, Dobbs (more on him in a moment, tee hee), Bartiromo, Pirro, and the whole dang Fux Nooz KKKorporation. Thoughts n’ prayers, assholes.
And the drooling fuckwits over at Newsmax don’t know whether to shit or go blind; on the brink of getting sued out of existence, they found themselves in the awkward position of having their hosts shout down seditious cushion peddler Mike Lindell as he used their airwaves to helpfully pad Dominion’s case against them, because apparently nobody in that office had the basic common sense to just…not book Mike Lindell on TV.
Lindell has a new “movie” out, by the way, and I’m told Louise Linton’s role was tragically left on the cutting room floor, probably to make room for the hilarious THIS IS ALL TRASH PLEASE DON’T SUE US ANY HARDER JUST LET ME KEEP THE AUTOGRAPHED BON JOVI POSTER MY DAD GOT ME FOR MY NINTH BIRTHDAY IT HAS SENTIMENTAL VALUE disclaimer OAN tacked on.
So it appears as though we must once again devote a fair amount of our time together to one Marjorie Taylor Greene, who, you will recall, sprang, fully formed, from a seeping tumor on Donald Trump’s withered ballsack.
Let us begin by stating the obvious. The inescapably, undisputedly true:
Marjorie T. Greene (The “T” stands for “terrorists are my constituents”) is, by virtue of a long history of reprehensible behavior which is not even slightly in dispute, much of which is documented in her own deranged selfie rants, entirely unfit to serve on the staff of a strip mall pretzel stand, let alone in the United States Congress.
She’s a Sandy Hook truther. A Parkland truther. A 9/11 truther. She probably doesn’t believe the Earth revolves around the motherfucking sun. But beyond that, she has repeatedly, proudly called for terrorist violence. On multiple occasions, she has endorsed the assassination of Nancy Pelosi. Oh, and she sexually molested a cardboard cutout of a sloppy old man in an ill-fitting suit, which is just creepy.
And yet somehow the predominant debate in American politics this week (and there’s a fair bit going on, mind) was whether or not this bloodthirsty maniac should be allowed to serve on congressional committees, alongside the very people she has encouraged her followers to murder.
How broken do you have to be to even consider taking her side? It’s like asking “should I gargle battery acid?” It is difficult to imagine an easier moral test to pass, a lower bar to clear. It goes without saying, this was asking far too much of the Republican Party of 2021.
“Stone Cold” Steny Hoyer brought the RECEIPTS, though, so his colleagues across the aisle could no longer hide behind the lame “golly, I was way too busy rescuing kittens from trees to see all that Nazi shit a member of my party said” tactic they’ve grown so fond of, though one almost has to admire the audacity of Tommy Tuberville’s innovative-if-comical attempt to blame his lack of familiarity with basic current events on…the weather. Bless his heart.
Still, Gym Jordan’s out there whinging about “cancel culture”…and like, yeah, we cancel terrorists. Canceling terrorists is a really good thing, actually, it keeps them from killing us. We spend billions canceling ‘em all over the world, and just because these particular terrorists were radicalized by talk show hosts and Senators With Shitty Beards rather than shadowy ethnic boogeymen, doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to protect ourselves from them. No matter the weather, Senator Tuberville.
In the event Republican conference politics weren’t Orwell-by-way-of-Eli-Roth enough for you already, the MTG debate took place simultaneously alongside a Matt Gaetz-led attempt to boot Liz Cheney from her leadership post for putting country before fascist hate mob this one time. Did I say “fascist hate mob?” I’m sorry, I meant “party.*”
While it took the anonymity of a secret ballot to give the cowardly enablers of Kevin McCarthy’s Cop Killer Caucus the safe space necessary to bail out Cheney’s career, they were apparently completely comfortable giving Greene a standing ovation over her half-assed apology for approximately .02% of her crimes against decency, allowing the malicious loon to skip blithely back to her regular regimen of dispensing lies and inciting violence, having manipulated them all like the docile, well-trained drones they are.
In fact, Greene greeted her punishment with unabashed glee, because now that she doesn’t have to do any of that dumb ol’ legislating, (AKA her job) she can just belch up her fascist filth all day long. She’s gambling her constituents won’t notice she’s doing precisely fuckall to solve their problems or improve their lives so long as she provides a steady stream of unhinged social media posts. She’s very likely right.
For the first time I can recall, Former President Crotchrot gave me exactly what I wanted of him: the spectacle of his degradation, finally divorced from the context of Oh Right This Idiot Has the Power to Fuck Up All Life on Earth. I’m speaking, of course, of his sad little you-can’t-fire-me-I-quit letter to SAG-AFTRA. It’s so nice to just point and laugh at the most pathetic man alive as he humiliates himself in public for no discernible reason.
While the new administration is doing all they can to jumpstart the coronavirus response their predecessors neglected in favor of dumbfuck insurrection, they’re hitting a few road bumps, largely because the GOP has gone bath-salt-and-anchovy-pizza insane on the state level.
Wisconsin Republicans repealed Governor Tony Evers’ mask mandate, because I guess after all this time the graveyards just aren’t filling up fast enough for them. In my home state of Kansas, these demented freaks are trying to pass some idiotic ceremonial resolution praising their deposed Turd Emperor for his “work” on the pandemic, which, again, has resulted in more senseless carnage than I ever imagined was possible in my darkest nightmares** when that third-rate goose-stepper first took power.
Allen West wants Texas to secede rather than share a nation with folks who believe in stupid cuck shit like democracy and the rule of law. The Nebraska state GOP censured Ben Sasse, for the high crime of sacrificing only 99% of his reputation (and dignity) at the altar of their Hemorrhoid Messiah.
I didn’t expect the illness of Trumpism to dissipate quickly and harmlessly like a fruit cup fart or anything, but I confess I’m surprised at the length of the line at the Kool-Aid tent, especially now that everyone understands they’re getting a red Solo cup full of rat poison.
Yeah, things’re still pretty nutty, but my heart is warm and toasty, watching the GOP bitch and moan while Dems calmly sidestep their trash-faith stalling tactics on the coronavirus stimulus bill. Joe Biden’s the one with the bully pulpit now, campers, and while I can scarcely believe y’all are so lost in your own bullshit that you can’t see how effortlessly he’s winning this argument, good luck explaining to your constituents why you’re opposed to helping them now after failing them so catastrophically these last four years.
So the big Republican bet this week was pro-QAnon, but anti-pandemic aid. This seems like as good a time as any to resurrect the ol’ VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS catchphrase, because heaven help us if this careening death cult ever seizes power again.
I would like to sum everything up with a nice, incisive concluding paragraph, but Lou Dobbs just got shitcanned by Fux, and I am laughing much too hard to think now. Stay safe out there, Resisters…vaccination is closer than ever!
*Nah, I meant “fascist hate mob.”
**And my subconscious has been shaped by Garth Ennis and Grant Morrison, so I had some rather majestically fucked-up dreams back in the winter of ‘16-‘17.