Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Maybe the Quarantine is to Keep Us From Storming Richard Burr’s Office
Well, I am 31 flavors of quarantined and goin’ a little stir crazy, my friends. I’m about to paint a face on a volleyball and start talking to it, y’know, like in that really obscure Cast Away movie? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one to make that joke, so just congratulate me and we’ll move on to the news…
Obviously we’ve all got a lot on our plates, in fact our plates are piled ten feet high with camel shit, but I hope everyone still manages to find time to appreciate the little things in life…like Felonious Rabbit Shipper Duncan Hunter getting sentenced to 11 months in prison for various acts of campaign finance fuckery. I may be spending the next few months huddled on my sofa, rationing Miller High Life, but at least I’ll get to make my own calls about when the lights turn on and off, Dunky-Dunc.
Having learned not one fucking thing from the current crisis, exacerbated as it has been by their pudding-headed purges, the Turmaggot Administration just keeps on hollowing out the federal government’s core of institutional expertise, and replacing it with a pack of feral assclowns harvested from the comments section of the Daily Caller. The head of the Office of Personnel Management resigned suddenly on Tuesday, as his department keeps filling up with douchebag college kids. Oh, and the acting director of the National Counterterrorism Center was fired by Richard Grenell, an over-glorified internet troll who shouldn’t have firing authority at a Forever 21, let alone anywhere within our national security apparatus.
Not so very long ago, the great state of Wisconsin was represented in the U.S. Senate by Russ Feingold, but I guess the cheeseheads got tired of brilliance and decency, and so they replaced Feingold with an oversized human thumb with a face drawn on it. That thumb, Senator Ron Johnson, doesn’t get why everybody’s freaking out over this whole “pandemic,” thing, after all, you’re looking at “only” 3.4% of the population dying off! Why, Johnson is downright pissy that Murica refuses to pull itself up by its bootstraps (without hand-washing afterwards, obviously) and take that 11-million-corpse hit like a man! Anyway, I hereby nominate RoJo to serve as Secretary of Bedside Manner for the duration of this crisis, assuming he can juggle the duties with those of his existing post, as Dumbest Man in the Senate.
I think there must’ve been a memo pinned to the bulletin board in the GOP break room this week, reading, “Ok, we’re gonna be even more openly evil now. Also, the ritual sacrifice of migrant babies has been cancelled due to coronavirus concerns,” because Rand Paul is suddenly feelin’ himself enough to stand shamelessly on the Senate floor, displaying a chilling level of calm as he casually divided the population into “people” and “non-people.” I’d suggest it’s actually Rand himself who comes off as significantly less than human here, but what do I know, I’m just a normal, non-white-supremacist, dude.
Well, COVID-19 can officially scratch “U.S. Congressman” off of its scavenger hunt list, as Utah’s Ben McAdams and Florida’s Mario Diaz-Balart have both tested positive and self-quarantined. Quite the collection you’re amassing there, Mr. Coronavirus…Tom Hanks, Monaco’s Prince Albert II, Idris Elba, half of the NBA players I’ve heard of…humanity is just one big game of Pokémon GO to you, isn’t it? And while I was drafting tonight, the Shart House announced a staffer in Vice President Mike Pants’ office has the thing as well. If we can just quarantine all these bastards as far away from the levers of power as possible, we might just make it through this thing.
I hope everyone is adjusting reasonably well to their “new normal.” It’s a lot to take on all at once, god knows…social distancing, toilet paper hoarding, and this weird thing where the President of the United States holds a press conference every morning during which he lies about the progress he’s made fighting the outbreak, and then we spend the rest of the day unraveling his fabrications. Hospital ship dispatched to desperately ailing New York City? Nope, she’s in port for repairs and won’t be ready for weeks. Limitless testing, available to all who desire it? No, we’re still miles behind other countries. Miracle malaria drug repurposed to battle coronavirus? Pure fucking fantasy. The doddering old bastard is simply incapable of learning, he really thinks he can lie his way out of this shit. And before you even ask, no, fuckhead, I don’t think COVID-19 will go away if you offer it some of your father’s money.
While the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits clearly doesn’t have the first fucking clue how to lead the nation through this emergency, you really can’t deny his natural, pampered-rich-boy, talent for blame-throwing. He’s a fucking savant when it comes to passing the buck. And so naturally, his focus isn’t on combating the coronavirus, but rather on rebranding it as “the China virus,” because stoking white nationalist hatred is a lot easier than, y’know…leadership. He’s hampered America’s response at every turn; we don’t have enough tests, enough masks, enough hospital beds, enough respirators, but thanks to the Grand Wizard Grifter what we do have is a spike in anti-Asian hate crimes. I hate him so very, very, much.
When he’s not seasoning the already hopelessly befouled stew that is our news cycle with his trademark blend of incompetence and racism, President Crotchrot likes to offer his what-if-Marie-Antoinette-was-an-elderly-jackass-who-couldn’t-tie-a-necktie thoughts on class conflict. When asked how, precisely, wealthy NBA players were able to get tested while so many patients, and even ER personnel were left up shit creek sans paddle, he mused that this was simply “the story of life,” no doubt fantasizing about the fast-approaching day when his lower-class media critics would be ground to mulch and sprinkled across one of his tacky-ass golf courses.
As we head towards negotiations for the massive stimulus package to rescue the economy from Fat Q*Bert’s historic, murderous, blunders, you’ll no doubt be shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that in the early draft of the Republican version of the bill, “about 22 million people earning under $40,000 a year would see no benefit.” Just like Wee Don can’t give up his bigotry, Senate Republicans can’t resist any opportunity to stick it to the working poor. We’re probably less than a month away from Mitch McConnell calling a press conference to suggest A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burthen to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to the Publick.
We’re all worried about each other during these tumultuous times, but I want you to rest your head easy tonight, knowing that while untold thousands are infected, and perhaps even dying, Senator Richard Burr is gonna be okay. See, Dick (Can I can him Dick? I’m gonna call him Dick.), being a big fancy Senator and all, had access to the latest, greatest, information and intelligence on the coronavirus and its spread, which is to say, the motherfucker knew what was coming.
…and, like any decent human being would, he immediately informed the public of the danger they were in, right? Right? I mean, warning your constituents about the imminent outbreak of a deadly disease, that’s…that’s a mighty low ethical bar to clear, don’tcha think? Well, Dick, because he’s such a dick, kept that information to himself, save for a handful of wealthy donor chums. Oh, and he took his insider information and used it to dump a million bucks or so in stocks, before his money got wiped out in the inevitable market plunge alongside all those loser plebs’ retirement accounts HAW HAW HAW SUCK IT, PEASANTS.
Folks, if I get the coronavirus and die, cremate my body, shove a funnel into Richard Burr’s traitorous mouth, and force every single grain of me down his rat-bastard throat. That is my last wish.
And just as your blood got to boiling at the realization that one of the very public servants tasked with getting us the fuck out of this shitstorm is in fact nothing but a dirtbag germ war profiteer, enriching himself while leaving the rest of us to get sick and die, you learned that ANOTHER Senator, Georgia’s never-faced-an-electorate, appointed-by-illegitimate-Governor-Brian-Kemp Kelly Loeffler, pulled the EXACT SAME SHIT, and I assume by now you’re exploding with rage like a Warner Brothers cartoon, skin turned bright red, smoke blasting out of your ears to the sound of shrieking train whistles.
If anybody had concerns about Strawberry Shartcake’s mental capacity during a time of extreme stress, boy howdy, your concerns were well-founded. In today’s press briefing/propagandathon, NBC News’ Peter Alexander asked him the entirely reasonable question, “What do you say to Americans who are scared?” and holy balls of pure fuck, the President of the United States staged the most horrifyingly pathetic (or pathetically horrifying?) authoritarian meltdown, like the spoiled bastard child of Joseph Stalin and Richie Rich (come to think of it, has anyone tested his DNA on that one?).
What’s nuts is, this was such a softball question, Sean Hannity would be embarrassed to ask it. It’s a lay-up, you dolt. “Hey, people are scared, say something comforting!” “NO THANK YOU I WOULD PREFER TO PISS MYSELF SO HARD I TEAR A HOLE THROUGH MY DIAPER AND EVEN MY RIDICULOUS CLOWN PANTS IDEALLY ON LIVE TELEVISION IF AT ALL POSSIBLE” and anyhow, I don’t think Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops has this whole “Comforter in Chief” thing down just yet.
And yeah, everything else is just peachy fuckin’ keen. The stock market keeps on reenacting Jules Verne novels, homebound dumbasses are clogging their plumbing with disinfectant wipes, Republicans in Kentucky are STILL pushing voter suppression laws, and we’re all trapped at home watching the death toll rise in Italy, knowing that our own country could have learned from their mistakes but instead decided that learning is for cucks, but hey, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
Ok, folks, I’m tapping out for the week. So far, my beer hoard has held up, but I’m taking it one day at a time. Stay safe, stay home, and wash those hands, dammit! I’ll see y’all soon.