Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don’t Know How You’re Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Donnie
Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don’t have a choice!
Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair Bolsonaro’s rectum for a bit, because shitting all over America’s values is pretty much Mike’s whole job these days, and he is goddamn good at it. Y’know what’s a fun game I play now? I imagine World War III is about to break out, and I try to guess who winds up on which side. I figure we get Russia, America, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, and Brazil against everybody else. And yes, we’re the bad guys.
Well, add Stanley McChrystal to the ever-expanding list of career military officers to be named enemies of the state for daring to criticize Government Cheese Goebbels. I bet this is a really great time to be a general, don’t you? You can risk your life for decades, serving your country in war zones overseas, and when you come home, the commander in chief will take a dump right on your head if you decide to say something like “hey, I think lying is bad.”
Jerry Falwell, Jr. gave a deranged little interview to the Washington Post, proclaiming that no sin, however great or small, could ever come between him and his lying, thieving, pussy-grabbing, daughter-coveting, charity-defrauding, child-concentration-camp-opening Turd Emperor, and I honestly wonder how these faux “Christians” get through their Sunday services without snickering during the scripture reading.
Another victory in the Trade War, comrades! Yes, Apple announced unexpectedly weak sales, on account of somebody who shall remain nameless tap-dancing all over the global economy’s groin. “But Cap, that doesn’t sound like a victory at all! Apple is an American company!” Oh my dear, sweet, child. The Trade War was ALWAYS being waged against America and Americans.
Just before taking over Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch’s Senate desk, Willard Romney sat down in the draftiest corner of his car elevator to write himself a little op-ed. It was an op-ed full to the brim with the mildest imaginable criticism of the cheap, greedy, thug polluting the Oval Office. And I do mean MILD. If the Romney op-ed were a sauce at one of those places that has, like, 25 different degrees of hot sauce, it would be the plain ranch dressing they keep to the side, for children and wusses.
And still the Never-Trumpers greeted it like a tablet brought down from the mountain top! Hell, Bill Kristol fell to his knees and wept! I…I don’t have the heart to tell them, you guys. But the list of people who got rich betting on Mitt Romney to stand up and do right thing would fit on a particle the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t discovered yet.
So, everybody’s got their kinks, I get that and I don’t judge. Now, if watching the President of the United States of America regurgitate Russian propaganda at a Cabinet meeting while rock-headed sycophants take turns giving him lap dances is what gets you off, you must have LOVED this week. I tell you what, I’m more and more impressed with Putin every day…you never see his lips move.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown was in rare form at this meeting, helpfully offering Iran free reign to do whatever the fuck they feel like in Syria, which probably caused a few spit-takes in Israel. To the great surprise of international observers, Supreme Leader Khamenei announced that he will be taking the President up on his gracious offer, by opening a resort and water park in one of the neighborhoods where Bashar al-Assad gassed all the residents to death.
…and there was this nonsensical little Game of Thrones poster on the table the whole time, because of course there was.
Oh, and in the background, third-rate dictator Kim Jong-un continues playing Lil’ Donnie Dotard’s ego like a cheap ukulele. On the one hand, having the How to Manipulate the American President Playbook in the public domain probably isn’t a good thing…on the other, I bet if I could get him on the phone and talk about how good he looks in his circus-tent pants, I could walk away with a stealth bomber at least…can you say, “CapJet?”
Folks, this stuff with Paul Whelan, the shady-as-fuck disgraced ex-Marine currently detained in Russia for espionage, is batguano nucking futz, even by the standards of this blog. Like, if the idea here is to swap this clod for Maria Butina, I think we need to hold out for substantially more value. Maybe Putin’s willing to take on Jason Heyward’s contract*.
And though shit remains generally quite cray, gosh wasn’t it nice to just roll around in all the long-overdue good news of the new Congress’ swearing-in, like a pig in mud? For every historic first for our kickass, diverse, Trump-stompin’ freshman class, there was the giddy realization that Koch toadies like Paul Ryan and Gowdy Doody wouldn’t be making our laws anymore. My smile got so fuckin’ wide, you’d think I huffed a whole tank of Joker gas.
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, y’all, and it’s time for the feral jagoffs of the Freedom Caucus to flail impotently in the minority for a change. There are some new sheriffs in town. Adam Schiff, YOU get a gavel, and Elijah Cummings, YOU get a gavel, and Maxine Waters, YOU get a gavel, and Jerry Nadler, YOU get a gavel, and Richard Neal, YOU get a gavel, EVERYONE GETS A GAVEL!
And check out the new majority’s super-sexxxy first major bill, a voting rights extravaganza that takes on gerrymandering and voter roll purging and all kinds of good stuff! This promises to be a major setback to the Koch-backed proposal to restrict the franchise to White Property-Owning Males who have Committed No Fewer Than Four White Collar Crimes in the Last Calendar Year.
And watching Nancy Two-Times casually mention that FUCK YEAH you can indict a sitting President was just the maraschino cherry on top of the sundae, which was already one of those massive, ten-scoops-plus-two-whole-bananas-and-half-a-pound-of-sprinkles sundaes. Get yourself a spoon, there’s plenty to go ‘round.
But the good news wasn’t confined to D.C. In Maine, shiny new Dem governor Janet Mills finally ordered the implementation of the voter-approved Medicaid expansion that Paul LePage had been obstructing for years, because he hated his constituents and wanted them to die. In Washington state, Governor Jay Inslee announced a plan to pardon thousands of folks with misdemeanor marijuana convictions, which will surely pave the way for an outbreak of The Reefer Madness in the Pacific Northwest, but fear not, the National Guard stands ready. Or wait, are they getting paid?
After two years of ceaseless assaults on America’s fundamental democratic institutions, from the judiciary to the free press, two years of a criminal administration throwing children into cages even as they steal everything that isn’t nailed down, I regret to inform to inform a weary nation that we must now face the greatest scandal yet: a Lady Democrat has uttered a Swear. A Brown Lady Democrat. A MUSLIM Brown Lady Democrat.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to fetch smelling salts for their racist uncle)
Hey Republicans, if you’re this mad when Rashida Tlaib SAYS “impeach the motherfucker,” just imagine how John-McEnroe-locked-in-a-dryer-with-two-cats freaked out you’ll get when we actually impeach the motherfucker.
Whatever. Fuck your feelings.
Drumpf loyalists at the RNC want to change the rules to head off a potential 2020 primary challenge by Jeff Flake or some other equally deluded fool who imagines that the GOP can cure its white supremacist fever if somebody just reads a few David Brooks columns over the loudspeaker at one of Wee Don’s hate rallies. Lord. This really is a fantastic example the projectile insecurity and hard turn from democracy to fascism that’s rapidly becoming the entire Republican brand.
So, Matt Gaetz is a sitting Republican Congressman, a raging bigot, and dumber than a bag of hair. So naturally, Fux Nooz decided to let him co-host a show today, because something something JOURNALISM something something FAIR N’ BALANCED. Anyway, he said some dumb, racist, shit, and I guess we should be thankful they’re doing away with the pretense of objectivity, right?
And of course the Big Dumb Shartdown over the Big Dumb Wall continues, with Fat Q*Bert claiming he’ll merrily keep the government closed for months, if not years, because he is a big tuff boy and you cannot make him clean his room or eat his peas. In this, he is enabled by Mitch McConnell, who is surely feigning severe head trauma in order to explain why he’s no long able to consider the very same bill his chamber unanimously passed just two weeks ago. And to think, some say Republicans can’t govern.
Lindsey Graham went on Hannity to say that if Boss Turdworm doesn’t get his wall money, it would be “the end of his Presidency.” Heh. I guess Lindsey learned the fine art of negotiation at his golf buddy’s feet, cuz No Wall PLUS Utterly Castrated Trump sounds like the best two-for-one in history. Why not throw in a toaster oven and a year’s worth of Krispy Kreme, my dude?
Then, today, the Hairplug That Ate Decency stumbled out into the rose garden for his latest attempt at daring Steve Mnuchin into invoking the 25th amendment, and my guess is the fumes from the experimental hair tonic were extra strong today, because HOO BOY that was Nic-Cage-in-Marat/Sade-level bonkers. I have NO fucking idea what the wall looks like in that doddering old fool’s head, but it’s probably some straight Steve Ditko shit. What’s it made from today? Concrete? Steel? Crunchberries?
And Mexico is gonna pay for the wall, except they already have, through a trade agreement that hasn’t passed Congress yet, but he still needs $5 billion from us for some reason. It’s Schroedinger’s appropriation. Neat.
He said that lots and lots of federal workers absolutely ADORE working without pay and that lots of lots of Presidents tell him all the time that they wanted a Big Dumb Wall of their own only they weren’t as good at deal-making or wall-building as YOU are Mr. Trump and that lots and lots of imaginary terrorists get stopped at the southern border and while he was just pulling shit straight out of his ass a unicorn made from grape jelly appeared to him in the Oval Office this morning to say Salma Hayek really did want to date him but was afraid she’d be unable to satisfy him sexually. Anyway, he’s nuts.
And yeah, were just two days into the new Congress, and the Oversight Renaissance hasn’t even gotten warmed up yet, but Tangerine Idi Amin is already tossing around shit like “the military version of eminent domain,” and that probably does mean that he thinks he can order the military to just take anything he wants but you’ll pry my autographed copy of TOMB OF DRACULA #1 out of my cold, dead, hands, shitbag.
Yes, it’s all fun and games until Pissant Pol Pot starts talking about declaring a state of emergency to get his precious Lego set. A constitutional crisis set off by a disapproving Ann Coulter monologue? That’s where we’re at, America. Whatever new world emerges from the ashes will stand in the ruins of our once-great nation and laugh their asses off at us. And they’ll be right to do so.
And on the Entirely Predictable Consequences front, we’re already seeing a spike in TSA employees calling in sick, since they’re required to work without paychecks during a shartdown. O, the treasonous louts! Prioritizing petty concerns like “paying their bills” or “caring for the children” over the petulant whims of the Manchurian Manchild! I ASK YOU, IS PATRIOTISM DEAD?
Anyway, yes, Sharty McFly’s vanity project tantrum is already making America less safe. Isn’t that ironic? Don’tcha think?
But while all these good people aren’t getting paid, Mike Pants and other high-ranking Treasonweasel Administration officials are getting a fucking RAISE, which is exactly what would happen in Hell, and I submit this info to you as further evidence that Hell is exactly where we all live.
In all fairness, Mikey Hairshirt probably begged for combat pay after he officiated the swearing-in of openly-bisexual Democrat Kyrsten Sinema on a book that wasn’t even the Bible! Or whatever fucking book Jerry Falwell, Jr.’s been reading, even!
Oh, and while I was workin’ up tonight’s post, I came across this little nugget, about shutdown deaths in national parks, which the geniuses running our government decided, in their wisdom, to keep open even in the face of massive staff furloughs. Yeah, this whole Let the Dumbest Fucking People on the Planet Run Everything experiment doesn’t appear to be working out, y’know?
But it looks like the Groundhog of Justice saw his shadow, because we’re getting six more months of Mueller! Yes, the Bobadook’s grand jury has been extended, because there’re just so dang many crimes to investigate. No wonder Donnie Two-Scoops is melting down with such regularity these days.
Shit, y’all, it’s only been FOUR DAYS. I swear, 2019 is gonna drive me to drink…more.
*This is a baseball joke.