Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Pence Gets Pantsed While Rand Rants and Kelly is Konfounded
When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I’m stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII. Less fun.
We’re all just puttering around wondering how a dude credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives (and thus denied a security clearance) was allowed to serve as one of the primary Shart House gatekeepers, literally choosing which information drifts across our Idiot Manchild President’s gnat-like attention span as he makes life or death decisions for the entire world.
(One article even noted the Tangelo Tumor had developed a Pavlovian response to Rob Porter, whose presence in the Oval Office often signified a big stack of papers in need of signing, which meant he had to abandon his Bejeweled game no matter how far he’d gotten, and actually WORK for a bit, no fair!)
Reading the #MeToo moment like Malcolm Gladwell on a meth bender, Sharty McFly talked about what a “good job” the serial wife beater did, making sure to wish him well wheresoever his path may take him now that the entire world has seen photographic documentation of his handiwork.
General John Kelly is said to have fought hard to keep this scumfuck in his job, because whatever his shortcomings, Porter was one of the only available staffers with anything resembling the skills or qualifications to actually do his job.
Me, I’m old enough to remember when a President could fill his staff without leaning on violent criminals because, y’know, the best and the brightest actually wanted to work for him.
Thursday’s press briefing was delayed numerous times, as Deputy Press Secretary Raj Shah chained himself to some piping in a supply closet, before being forcibly dragged into the press room to regurgitate the embarrassing-even-by-this-clusterfuck-administration’s-standards spin on the Porter debacle.
You know you’ve got a shit sandwich when even Sarah Huckabee Sanders won’t go near it.
Let’s be honest, here. The official Drumpf Administration position is, “We knew about it, we gave less than one eighth of a fuck about it, but then she posted pictures of her black eye on the internet so we’re all going to act shocked, but the truth is not only do we not care that we employed a domestic abuser, we’re actually pissed off that you made us fire him.”
Fuck, the only reason Kelly still holds the Chief of Staff post is WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT SUCH A SHIT JOB? The pay is pretty good, but it won’t come close to covering the lawyers you’ll inevitably need for being a lead accessory to such a massive criminal enterprise. Plus, your desk is right by the Oval, and I’m told you never get used to the reek of well-done steak farts.
Oh, and Porter isn’t even the only staffer to resign in the face of domestic violence accusations. This week. Helluva team they’ve assembled, ain’t it?
Hey, speaking of the Best People, I see a prominent Shartboy backer in Kentucky pled guilty to several charges of human trafficking. HUMAN TRAFFICKING, in some cases, of minors. The Roy Moore wing of the Republican Party is larger than we thought.
Speaking of which, it seems Blake Farenthold is skulking around, hoping nobody notices that he hasn’t yet paid taxpayers back for that $84,000 sexual harassment settlement. In CongressPerv Farenthold’s defense, that would rip a near-fatal hole in his pajama budget.
If you need a little good news, take heart in knowing that Richard Spencer is being sued over his role in the Dickless White Boy Parade in Charlottesville, but he cannot find a lawyer to represent him, because he is a fascist shitbag who nobody likes.
Hey, what’s the Vice President been up to? Mikey Hairshirt spends so much time under the radar, you’d think he’s some sort of experimental drone and not a hate-filled, pea-brained, faux Christian bigot hoping he can just blend in with the drapes until his boss goes down in flames and he can slide in like a slicker, dumber, Gerald Ford.
Well, Pence got nailed on that particular point, HARD. Journalist Ashley Parker stood right in front of the fucker and asked “Hey, you’re the Vice President of the United Fucking States of America, how come you never seem to know shit about shit?” and Mike tried some lame-ass spin but you could see in his eyes that he knew he would never again retrieve his balls, and it was funnier than Ben Stiller’s entire career.
And yeah, #2 went to the Olympics and, in protest, refused to stand for the Korean team’s entrance, because irony is stone cold dead.
So I guess the government shut down for an hour or two because Rand Paul figured it’d been way too long since one of his patented Masturbatory Shoutfests? Oh, Rand. You’re surely the last to adjust to the speed of the modern news cycle. Three days later, literally no one cares. Even I almost forget to write this paragraph in my stupid little poop joke blog.
Anyway. Yes, the Winter Olympics are here, a time to celebrate the international spirit of camaraderie and competition, primarily via the medium of doctoring curling videos to insert cats. Or, if you happen to be a high-ranking Fux Nooz honcho, it’s a chance to indulge in some holy-shit-that’s-racist-even-for-you-bastards thinkpiecery about the injustice that non-white and LGBT athletes are allowed to represent America instead of toiling in forced labor camps or something.
Steve Bannon crawled out of the gin still he’s been sleeping in since Breitbart canned him juuuuust long to express his existential terror that “the Womenfolk are coming to destroy the Patriarchy and there simply won’t be enough shirts to wear to serve as armor thick enough to protect me from their wrath and holy shit I’m gonna wind up hanging upside down in a gas station, aren’t I?”
Odd that the great dealmaker’s tantrum didn’t do the trick…I’m starting to wonder if maybe the dude who inherited daddy’s money, went through multiple bankruptcies, established himself as so untrustworthy that no one would lend him money or go into business with him, and wound up laundering Russian oligarch dough in a last desperate bid to dig himself out of ruin maybe doesn’t know as much about the economy as he wants us to think.
Nothing, not even a third scoop of ice cream, makes our President happier than when an undocumented immigrant commits a crime. Back in November, the Candycorn Skidmark used a Border Patrol Agent’s death to engage in a hearty round of the racist fear-mongering he so enjoys. And the entire GOP giddily followed his lead.
Well, it turns out in the Agent in question wasn’t murdered at all, by an immigrant or anyone else. Looks like the poor guy was just injured in a fall. Upon learning this, the President, Ted Cruz, and Fox News all issued prompt retractions, complete with soul-searching apologies at having so thoughtlessly stoked the tragic fires of racial hatred without waiting for the facts to come in.
Just kidding, they’re all currently engaged in a scheme to hold DREAMers hostage to their Klansman’s Wet Dream immigration bill, and they wouldn’t want to correct any misinformation that riles up their shitty base, certainly not in an election year!
So I guess that Omarosa lady, the Former White House Director of…Being That Omarosa Lady, Or Something went directly onto a reality TV show upon leaving the highest echelons of executive branch power, because that’s just how life is now.
Anyway, on “Celebrity Big Brother,” (Ssssssssssssssssigh) she rocked America, and indeed the world, by revealing her insider’s account of life in the Drumpf White House as “so bad.” And then the deputy press secretary said it was the fourth time “we” fired her because the President views his administration as a continuation of his reality show and if that doesn’t have you shrieking in terror, I don’t know what will because that is some FUCKED UP SHIT right there.
The Washington Post reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn’t read the daily intelligence briefing that Americans literally risk their lives for, day in and day out, because reading is boring and hard and, let’s be honest, because HE DOESN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER ANY OF US LIVE OR DIE.
Seriously, this sad, needy, broken old man is only in this thing for grift and the periodic applause of his dwindling army of Hateyokels. The security of the United States of America and her citizens? “You handle that, Mad Dog, I haven’t golfed in like, three whole days.”
Rachel Brand, the 3rd-ranking official at the Department of Justice, will be stepping down from her post, the kind of job people work a lifetime to attain, after just nine months. Rather than hanging around waiting for the Velveeta Vulgarian to fire Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, thus relocating her life to the geographic center of a constitutional crisis, she will be taking a job with Wal-Mart.
My sources tell me that during interview, Brand offered to serve as “a fucking door greeter in Boise, just get me the fuck out of here!”
As expected, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting blocked the release of Adam Schiff’s “Jesus Fuck, Are You Kidding Me, Devin?” counter-memo, because like all bullies, he is a coward at heart.
…also because what passes for his “master plan” is destroying the public’s trust in law enforcement so that when the bill for his life of crime finally comes due, the racist old ladies in the Bible Belt who get their news from Alex Jones and chain e-mails will rise up as one and break his corrupt ass out of federal prison.
Hey, I didn’t say it was a GOOD master plan.
Virginia Senator/Affable Dad Tim Kaine “is demanding the release of a secret memo outlining President Donald Trump’s interpretation of his legal authority to wage war,” and HOLY SHIT THERE’S A SECRET DRUMPF WAR MEMO? HOW MANY FUCKING MEMOS ARE THERE? WHY ARE WE RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT VIA A HANDFUL OF MALICIOUS ASSHOLES SCRIBBLING DOWN MEMOS, PROBABLY IN CRAYON? WE’RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE.
And now Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes has his own personal fake news outlet? Fucking of course he does. He probably prints out a weekly newsletter, on his mom’s computer, with headlines like “Nunes scores the winning touchdown! Again!” and slips copies under all his colleagues’ doors.
Oh, and he wants to Build a Wall (trademark, the Drumpf Organization!) in the House Intelligence Committee’s secure areas, because he doesn’t want any dirty Democrats copying off his memos in the future.
…Devin isn’t going to do so well in jail, I fear.
Aaaaaaaand Il Douche is looking at privatizing the International Space Station? Has somebody explained to him that this isn’t his personal property, and that he won’t be able to slap his shitty name on it in big gold letters and rent it out to oligarchs and porn stars?
I can’t handle this shit anymore, friends. It’s the motherfucking weekend. I should be blitzed on High Life, halfway through the LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP marathon on the Gorilla Channel by now. Fuck this shit.