Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Just Another Day Full of Shitty, Mediocre, Assclowns Fuckin’ Shit Up
I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore, folks. Somebody stapled my feet to the floor of the carousel we call the news cycle, left me with nothing but 300 pounds of cotton candy to eat, turned on CNN, and ran away laughing.
Whelp, we all woke up to the news that the Spraytan Cray Man announced via the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine that he was, by fiat, banning transgender Americans from serving in the military.
Yes, Donald J. Trump, (the “J” stands for “Stolen Valor,”) multi-time draft dodger, the dude who doesn’t even have the sack to fire Jeff Sessions, decided to shit on and dehumanize thousands of folks who’ve sacrificed in ways no one in his cheap grifter family ever will.
The idea seems to be that if he rolls back the rights of a small, vulnerable minority that his frothing, “evangelical” base loathes and fears, maybe they won’t notice that he betrayed his country and broke every promise from bringing back manufacturing jobs to building his big stupid wall to getting Scott Baio back on a Thursday-night sitcom.
As a side note, the Pentagon apparently found out about this at exactly the same time the rest of us did, because why the fuck would the President bother to actually think before he does anything?
But it gets worse. Here’s the first SCROTAL tweet in the series that would announce the transgender ban:
After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow……
Fuck, what does THAT mean? And because it takes Il Douche nine whole minutes to finish typing out the rest of his sentence with his barely-functional toddler hands, the United States military waited nine of the longest minutes in human history to see if the deranged Manchild occupying the Oval Office was declaring war on North Korea in a motherfucking Tweet.
Luckily (?), he was just being a gigantic, bigoted, sack of shit. It’s like the Cuban Missile Crisis, only with idiocy instead of geopolitics.
In the magically-televised-now press briefing, Sarah HuckSands wasn’t able to answer basic questions about Shartboy’s ban, of course, because why would the government work out the details of a thing before announcing it to the world? SHS even got pissed at the press for asking questions any rational human being would ask, and threatened to end the briefing if reporters kept asking them. Suuuuuuuper-normal.
Also, I guess Ministress of Propaganda will henceforth be opening her briefings by reading a letter from some gushing Drumpkin, praising the God Emperor for all his greatness? That’s another totally normal thing that happens in America all the time! It’s only a shame that Norman Rockwell isn’t around to paint Sarah Huckabee Sanders reading a creepy propaganda letter to a despairing press corps, amiright?
Anyhow, things’ve been pretty rough on Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet lately, so last night he retreated to his safe space; a campaign/Klan rally in Youngstown, Ohio. Naturally he boasted about his crowd size, buuuuuuut while he played to a sold-out crowd, he was booked in a small-town hockey park that held about 8,000, less than a minor league baseball field. Let me remind you that a band that can sell out stadiums doesn’t play state fairs.
So the Marmalade Shartcannon played all his greatest hits for his pathetically tiny crowd. Free from the weiner-shrinking gaze of the fact-checkers, he gleefully lied about all the mining jobs he wasn’t creating, and the bloodthirsty brown-skinned monsters who aren’t cutting poor pony-tailed white children into pieces just for shits n’ giggles, and about how Salma Hayek wanted to date him, but he said she was too Mexican, and so she ran away and cried.
High on unearned self-regard, the Velveeta Urinal Cake even declared himself to be more Presidential than anyone but Lincoln! This actually may open up a whole new avenue for resistance, as my sources tell me that Zombie Chester Arthur has risen from his forgotten grave, and he is PISSED OFF.
So I guess DoJ (Which I pronounce, out loud, as “dooj,” try it, “Doooooooooooj.”) says that an old business partner of Paul Manafort turned out to be a bigshot player in the Russian organized crime/oligarch/money-laundering-through-New-York-real-estate circles that so many members of the Shart Administration keep getting tangled up in. These coincidences keep getting zanier and zanier, don’t they? I bet in the end, it turns out Drumpf is Bannon’s real dad, and Eric is married to Betsy DeVos, but sorry Donnie, you’re still not allowed to fuck Ivanka. Truly, these are the Days of Our Lives.
CNN tells us that Matt Drudge keeps popping up at the White House, maybe just to hang out and watch Robot Wars, but he’s always eating Stephen Miller’s Lean Cuisines, and I guess he’s getting pissy about how Orange Julius Caesar isn’t keeping his campaign promises.
Heh. Get in line, Matty.
Failed Reality Star/Somehow the Secretary of Fucking Energy Rick Perry claimed the coveted “Golden Assclown” trophy today, a title awarded to the member of the administration who most humiliates his country through acts of grotesque incompetence. It seems Perry, who you’ll remember didn’t know what his job was until he accepted it, spent 22 minutes on the phone with a couple of Russian pranksters who convinced him they were the Ukrainian Prime Minister, because Rick Perry, despite being one of the most experienced Cabinet officials currently serving, is a gigantic fucking dope who would lose his own dick if he didn’t keep a map of his groin in his pants pocket.
Anyhow. So where’re we at with the DIE, PEASANTS, DIE!!!, excuse me, “Health Care” bill?
Well, the John McCain Who Speaks made his heroic return to the floor of the Senate yesterday, delivering a rousing speech denouncing partisanship and calling for a return to regular order!
Little did the John McCain Who Speaks know that the John McCain Who Votes had just cast his (decisive) ballot to open debate on a bill developed outside of regular order, one that deliberately shut out all input from the Democratic Party!
The John McCain Who Speaks pounded the podium and boldly declared he would never vote the bill being considered, at least not without substantial changes! Six hours later, the John McCain Who Votes voted for the bill with no changes whatsoever!
One of these days the John McCain Who Speaks and the John McCain Who Votes are going to meet face to face, and thumb-wrestle for supremacy. Until then, the John McCain Who Speaks will continue to deceive cable news personalities into pretending the John McCain Who Votes doesn’t exist.
(Meanwhile Mazie Hirono, who is also battling cancer, keeps fighting to actually PROTECT health care for her fellow Americans. Mazie Hirono is the hero John McCain pretends to be, and people should talk about that more.)
Anyhow, the state of the health care debate in the Senate today is…theatre. Everybody’s voting on bills they know have no chance of becoming law, waiting for Mitch McConnell to stitch some monstrosity together, march it out to the floor, make it dance to Puttin’ on the Ritz, and see if it can get 50 votes.
Meanwhile Jeff Merkley keeps introducing amendments to slow shit down and get the GOP on the record opposing Puppies and Hugs and Basic Human Decency. Dean Heller offered a symbolic amendment pledging that Medicaid be protected, which he imagines will count for something when he eventually votes for a bill that guts Medicaid.
And so apparently it all boils down to “skinny repeal,” which is like “repeal” with a sugar-free syrup, maybe? Nobody knows for sure, but the skinny is (get it? GET IT?!?!?!?) that it’ll entail repealing the individual and employer mandates, which every rational expert tells us will strip coverage from millions and blow up the insurance markets, but FUCK, Y’ALL, Mitch McConnell wants to be remembered as a motherfuckin’ COWBOY, so let’s Wild Bunch this shit, bros!
I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen, but let’s all call our Senators and say “Hey, howzabout you don’t kill us?” and hope for the fuckin’ best. I think we’re gonna need to get out in the streets over this, Resisters.
Also, because the media can’t stop shitting in our lemonade by asking the shambling hordes of mouth-breathing Drumpf supporters what they think about things, we were treated to the knowledge that almost half of his voters believe that he won the popular vote last November. Digging a little deeper into the cross tabs, we learn that 32% of Shart voters assume network television broadcasts subliminal anti-Christian messaging, that 44% think hand-dryers in public restrooms harness the power of Satan, and that a full 82% believe the Moon is a glow-in-the-dark frisbee their neighbors hang from a tree in the backyard to fuck with their heads.
Word is, recently deposed punching bag Sean Spicer had a bunch of meetings today with all the big news companies. I imagine he was pitching a show called “The Spice Rack,” a cooking program where he verbally describes baking a cake while he obviously makes spaghetti sauce. FOOD NETWORK GASLIGHTING, BITCHES!!!!!
And now I guess Sam Brownback, fresh off a couple terms worth of burning down the majestic Kansas wheat fields and blowing up the Yellow Brick road, is getting a promotion to be some kind of Roving Faux Christian Ambassador/Scold, keeping with the current regime’s animating theme of Mediocre White Dudes Failing Upwards. Only in the Republican Party do they reward cataclysmic failure so generously.
And…what the fuck did Jeff Sessions do now? I JUST STEPPED ASIDE FOR TEN MINUTES TO TAKE A DUMP, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?
Nope, it’s real. The Justice Department of the United States of America, led by the Last Confederate, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, stood in court today, and argued that civil rights law doesn’t grant protections to gay workers. Dooooooj isn’t even a party in the case. They just knocked on the door, said “excuse me, can I borrow a cup of jagoff? Also, gay people don’t have rights.”
Can you imagine having a soul as tiny and withered as Jeff Sessions? Seeing the writing on the wall, knowing your political career is weeks, even days away from being ended in disgrace by the very raging obscenity you yourself enabled, and saying “By gum, if I’m going down, I’m doing everything I can to roll back the hard-won rights of my fellow citizens before I go!”
If…IF Jeff Sessions has a soul, it’s shaped like the maggots that feast on roadkill. Specifically the ones that gravitate towards the lower intestines. Yeah, that’s Jeff Sessions, alright…a maggot devouring a mostly-smashed raccoon rectum on Highway 90.
Oh, and what’s this? Tangerine Idi Amin indulged in a little Mt. Rushmore fantasy? Tell you what, bro…we’ll carve your name on the toilet seat in the gift shop.
As per usual, the day’s news has bludgeoned my cranium like an avalanche of rabid, wrench-wielding honey badgers. In the not-at-all-unlikely scenario where my brain runs, screaming, from my skull as I sleep tonight, and I’m no longer around to write these reaps…remember, Shower Cap sez…VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!!!!