Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The White House is a Moat Filled With Snakes and Traitors, and Even Chuck Todd Can See It
Fuck, y’all. This week. This fucking WEEK. If Churchill were alive today, he would devote the rest of his life to writing a sixteen-volume chronicle of just this week. And he wouldn’t finish it, and his kid would take over the series after he died, while HBO turned it into a hit show which would eventually develop a hellaciously toxic fan base.
Anyway. Let’s do this.
Tuesday morning, a mouse fell from the White House ceiling, right onto a group of reporters, because while God has a sense of humor, a rat would’ve been a little on the nose.
Boorish Thuglomat Mike Pompeo says he won’t let mean ol’ House Democrats bully and intimidate any State Department employees, because that’s HIS job, goddammit, with reports of threatened retaliation for any stoolies who cooperate with the investigation into his traitor boss’ treasonous treachery. Look, justice ain’t gonna obstruct itself, okay?
President Gas Station Urinal Cake, who required two years of shaming before he’d devote one single tweet to mark LGBTQ Pride Month, needed no prompting whatsoever to celebrate 70 years of oppressive communist dictatorship in China. Of course it wouldn’t be long until we’d learn just why he’s so eager to kiss autocrat ass these days…
Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue popped up at the World Dairy Expo in Wisconsin to tell all the serfs “small farms are for CUCKS, you’re all gonna get sucked up by big factory farms, learnt to love it, by the way no, we’re not taking the trade war boot off your necks any time soon, eat shit, vote Trump!” and the pure, unfiltered, populism emanating from this administration is positively blinding, isn’t it?
So, the Most Depressing Poll Imaginable revealed that 6 out of 10 Republicans don’t believe Sharty McFly brought up Smilin’ Joe Biden in that infamous, mega-illegal, call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, despite the Shart House’s own transcript volunteering the proof that he did. That’s how deep the brainwashing runs, folks; not just readily swallowing lie upon lie, but purging your own memory of any inconvenient details you may’ve stumbled across with your own two eyes. It’s not that he could shoot somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue, it’s that if he did, his zombie base would insist that although he didn’t shoot anybody, the victim totally deserved it because they were a deep state liberal plant, and also there’s no such place as 5th Avenue.
Geraldo Rivera, whose long career as a public idiot has made him one of the most trusted voices in the right wing media jagoffosphere, made an uncharacteristically intelligent observation: that the difference between Trump and Richard Nixon is, Nixon didn’t have a shameless stooge in the media, eager to spread any lie or conspiracy theory on his behalf, while Donnie Two-Scoops has Sean Hannity! Yes, Geraldo seems to be lamenting the fact that Tricky Dick was held accountable for his crimes, which may seem odd to you and me, but defending treasonous felonies is just part of the membership dues in the modern Republican Party.
If you were pitching the Trump presidency to a movie studio as a work of fiction, you’d say, “think Hitler, but dumb.” And then you’d describe the scene where the Fascist Farthuffer orders his underlings to supplement his Big Dumb Border Wall with a moat filled with snakes and alligators, and watch the producers’ eyes light up as they realize, “yes, that is precisely the sort of thing Hitler would do if he were very, very, very, dumb.” And now that you’d have their attention, you’d reel ‘em in by telling ‘em when his very stable genius idea to shoot migrants turns out to be illegal (because murder is still against the law, at least for now), he suggests just shooting them a little bit, in the legs, “to slow them down.” If I may so bold as to make a small suggestion; the next president shouldn’t be a bloodthirsty maniac.
(One of the ways you can tell we all live in Hell is how periodically the Individual Wonder will brag about how much wall is getting built on the very same day the government issues an official statement confirming that the wall remains fully imaginary.)
And Unhinged Rat-and-Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani sure has been racking up the frequent flier miles in his manic quest to blackmail the government of Ukraine into saying Joe Biden killed Kennedy, Jesus, and Seth Rich with bare hands and also totally shoplifts gum, even though he can obviously afford gum, just for sick thrill of it. He’s running a shadow foreign policy operation. He’s hand-crafting bullshit statements and forcing them into world leaders’ hands. He’s even developed his own little packet of malicious misinformation; a sort of bizarro, tooth-decay-encrusted, Steele Dossier. For extra hubris, the treacherous old fuck is actually forging White House logos to lend an aura of authority to his propaganda.*
Of course, Team Treasonweasel isn’t just colluding with foreign nations, but with with imprisoned American felons! Yes, Rudy has recruited Pardon-Hungry Paul Manafort, too, and it’s like the montage in a heist film where they’re putting the team together, only instead of a safecracker and a getaway driver, it’s all hateful old white dudes, and instead of robbing a bank vault, they’re trying to STEAL OUR MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY FROM US. I guess Rudy’s bucket list had just two entries: Incest, and Destroying American Democracy.
Shit, Weehands McNodick even asked Boris Johnson to pitch in on Operation: Joe Biden is Bad for Indeterminate Reasons But Trust Me He is So Very Bad, which shows his desperation, because from all indictations, Boris couldn’t find his own dick with a map.
Now, you might think that between impeachment and losing a fight to the worst band in the world (we’ll get there), Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot might be too distracted to continue his full frontal assault on the American economy, but no such luck; he’s jacking up tariffs again, this time on billions of dollars worth of food and booze from our closest allies in the European Union. Look, when you’re facing a tough re-election, the first thing you want to do is increase your constituents’ grocery bills and threaten their jobs, that’s just Politics 101.
Jacob Wohl makes me wonder if we aren’t all actually trapped in a Shakespeare play, where the author trots out a malevolent-but-ineffectual clown from time to time, just to give the audience a break from all the raw horror.** His latest scheme involved a young marine/bodybuilder, who he presented to the world as Elizabeth Warren’s terrified former sex slave. The preceding sentence is…not one I ever in my wildest dreams imagined I would write.
The so-called “most powerful man in the world” got one of his precious tweets taken down because it violated the intellectual property rights of the most loathed band in the history of rock. Or music, generally. Or life on Earth. And probably before that, honestly. Anyway, I’m sure America is more respected than ever now that our chief executive got his ass beat by fucking Nickelback. You watch, Kim Jong-un’s gonna get a Nickelback tattoo now. Next time Macron greets him, they’re gonna do their silly little handshake ritual, and he’ll go, “Ah, Donald, this is how you remind me of what I really am!”
While I try to be thorough in this blog, it is entirely possible I will miss an impeachable offense or two, because there are just so fucking many of them turning up these days. Evidence of a new impeachable crime by the Trump cabal is now the free prize inside every box of Fruity Pebbles.
A great deal has been made of the whistleblower complaint and the kinda-but-not-really “transcript,” and the crimes documented therein, but just for good measure, Tangerine Idi Amin impeached all over himself right in front of the cameras on the White House lawn, asking not only Ukraine, but China, to investigate his feared foe, the Bidenator. Efforts to disingenuously nitpick procedural details, or attack Adam Schiff personally, really fall apart when there’s a second whistleblower inside your own fool mouth.
Now, Marco Rubio’s latest lame is excuse is that his Turd Emperor was only kidding, which is obviously impossible since he’s incapable of understanding any human emotional experience, least of all laughter, and anyway, it must be a running gag, like Hairplug Himmler is the wacky neighbor with the too-long necktie and weird balloon pants who’s always stumbling around, betraying his country, maybe he could add a catchphrase, like, “oops I treasoned again!” or “well PARDON ME!” but anyway my point is the dumb fuck apparently brought the Bidens up in a call with China, and then buried that call on his little private server with all the other evidence of all the other crimes he’s so desperate to conceal. Still waiting on Gowdy Doody and all those other information security hawks to apply the Hillary Clinton standard to this new server.
Kevin McCarthy put his foot down, and his foot made a sad, soft, squishy, noise, like a full diaper landing on a freshly-mopped tile floor, because he is a sorry excuse for a leader of anything, let alone an entire political party’s House Caucus, still, he demanded that Nancy Pelosi immediately end her impeachment inquiry, on the grounds that it is riling up President Crotchrot and making him commit additional felonies, and Nancy, God love her, just straight fucking laughed in his weaselly little face, on official stationary and everything.
Fuck, y’all, even CHUCK TODD managed to fight through his instinctual impulse to claim “both parties are wiping their wrinkly old man asses all over Constitution” because it really is just the one party this time, isn’t it? Folks, when Chuckles, the Roman God of Bothsidesism, uses words like “national nightmare”, it’s time to strap on the helmets and lifejackets.
Late Thursday night, House Democrats released a whole fuckload (or, if you’re on the metric system, 31.72 fuckograms) of text messages given to them by Kurt “First Rat Off the Sinking Ship” Volker during his marathon testimony. The texts contain further evidence of the crimes Government Cheese Goebbels confesses to at every opportunity, and, in addition, establish quid pro quo, rocketing well past the standard Republicans had feebly set down a few short days ago. What’s the take now, campers? “You can’t call that quid pro quo! Swapping the Biden investigation for a meeting with Littlefinger? There’s no ‘quo!’ Who would want to meet with that sloppy douche? Cold hamburgers and irritating conversation, a state visit is practically punishment!”
Folks, this is the FIRST WITNESS.
So, Ron Johnson, current and reigning Dumbest U.S. Senator, probably thought he was helping the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor out, but instead he accidentally admitted to having evidence of the quid pro quo in withholding aid from Ukraine until they agreed to pay ball. Oh, and he concealed that evidence, so he’s part of the cover-up, too, which he helpfully confessed to a reporter, with no real prompting. Wisco, you coulda had Russ Feingold in this job.
Wait, did I forget to mention that Rudy got his boss to fire the ambassador to Ukraine because she wouldn’t play along with this international goofball thug conspiracy? I did, didn’t I? That’s a whole ‘nother impeachable offense right there, and it almost slipped right past me. They’re like greased pigs, dammit.
Mike Pants has received a request for docs from a trio of House committees. The Vice President has already expressed reticence about being alone in a room with a House committee, because it goes against his deeply-held religious belief that he and his co-conspirators should be above the law. With Mick Mulvaney, House Dems skipped straight to the subpoena stage. The leaves are changing color, and the season for fucking around is rapidly fading.
And now we learn that weeks ago, long before any of us plebs learned about this shit, the CIA’s chief lawyer looked at the Ukraine call and said “oh this is 31 flavors of illegal, bring me my Criminal Referral stamp, Jeeves!” only to have the “Justice” Department go, “no thank you, we will not investigate this, because if we start looking into one of Fat Q*Bert’s crimes, we’ll have to do all of them, and really, who has the time?” Billy Barr’s sitting on much criminal shit these days, when people walk into his office, they think he’s a foot and half taller.
If you haven’t gone stark raving mad yet, allow me to polish you off: a woman representing a far-right group called LaRouche PAC infiltrated Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez’s (public) town hall, in order to scream about eating babies for a little bit, on the theory that doing so would make AOC look bad, rather than making herself look like the kind of person who screams about eating babies. And before you even ask, of COURSE the President of the United States tweeted about it.
Looks like it’s finally time for Brett Kavanaugh to pay the Republican Party back for rewarding his life of abuse and dishonesty with a perch of unaccountable power, because the Supreme Court is taking up their very first abortion rights case in the Post-Anthony Kennedy, Are We Absolutely SURE Women Are People? era. Shout out once again to all you third-party voters, you sure showed us.
Rick Perry is taking his smart guy glasses and going home, or maybe back on the televised dance competition circuit, honestly, who gives a fuck? Moving on…
What’s this? Iranian hackers targeted Shart Garfunkel’s re-election campaign? Gosh, that’s a shame. Oh well, since foreign interference in our elections is totally okay, I guess there’s really nothing we can do, right?
So now we get spend our days desperately watching a handful of GOP Senators for signs that they’ll finally crawl out of the primordial ooze of the Trump Swamp and develop spines. There was promising movement in Camp Romney today, with Willard Whitebread finally showing evidence of perhaps as many as three vertebrae. Will Ben Sasse someday stand fully upright? Will Susan Collins express anything sharper than mild concern? Tune in next week for another exciting installment of the hit reality show “Keep the Republic or Nah?”
Jesus. This week couldn’t get any batshittier if the president invited a Hitler apologist to the White House to spew extra-looney conspiracy theories for…wait.
Goddammit, even I’M struggling to find a bit of good news to end on tonight, but…oh hey, Rachel Maddow’s gonna be on the new Batwoman show? Cool, that’ll at least be a fun memory in the days to come, scrounging for canned goods and Twinkies in the ashes of the former United States.
Well, I think that’s everything, so I’ll just…nope, here’s a brand new story documenting the circus horror of the Kompromat Kid’s calls with world leaders. Wow, it never fucking stops, does it? Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for the GODDAMMIT THERE’S MORE? Yes, it looks like there may be a second whistleblower to corroborate all the Ukraine shit. Lord. Fuck it, I’m leaving no matter what else happens. I need to drink beer now. You’re on your own. Stay safe.
*Jokes on you, Rudy! The White House doesn’t have any credibility any more!
**Hope we’re in a history, not a tragedy.