Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
White Supremacist Terror Week Sucks. I Miss Infrastructure Week.
Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I’m nostalgic for the early days of mere blundering incompetence.
We’ve always known Government Cheese Goebbels would behave this way once his back was truly against the wall, that he’d burn the whole country to ash to save his own spray-tanned, jowlsy, neck, without a moment’s regret…and I’m tryin’ to find the jokes, but today, it’s hard, friends.
But I know y’all come here for some much-needed levity in these deep, dark, turd-encrusted times, and I don’t want to let you down. Therefore, for this post only, I will be outsourcing the humor to other sites, where appropriate, in those moments when the news coverage becomes too tragic, enraging, tragically enraging, or engagingly tragic.
Of course we entered the weekend dealing the aftermath of a mass-assassination attempt by a Trump-inspired terrorist. While much of America grappled with tough questions about how we got here, and how we’ll ever find our way back to decency again, President Crotchvoid took time to grieve…the fact that the terrorist pushed his preferred headlines off the front page. Littlefinger had stuff he wanted to whine about, but the mean ol’ mail bomber stole his thunder, WAAAAAAAAAH!
I suppose I can understand why he’s upset. God knows he’s worked harder on his precious migrant caravan diversion than he ever did on crafting a health care bill. Yes, your President cares more about feeding the fears of white bigots than in solving any of the problems facing the nation. And that’s not funny, but you know what is? Garfield Minus Garfield.
Oh, and mean ol’ Twitter deleted his bot followers, FURTHER WAAAAAAAAH!
And you wouldn’t expect a little ol’ thing like somebody sending a bomb to CNN headquarters to get Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to back off his attacks on the press, even for a day, wouldja? Naw, when you start to see concrete results (like TERRORISM), you double down, brah! The only reason he’s not using the word “Lügenpresse” is that he can’t pronounce it. This bloated assclown won’t be happy until a bomb actually goes off.
Meanwhile, the Shart Administration popped up to say, “Oh hey, remember that despicable act of state-sponsored terrorism we perpetrated a little while back, where we stole children from their families at the border? Well, wouldn’tcha know it, we just found 14 extra migrant children we separated, and have been illegally detaining and tormenting, OOPSIE!” Like fucking spare change they found in the sofa, instead of human beings. Instead of fucking CHILDREN.
Dear reader, I imagine we both need to cool off a bit at this point, so may I direct you to one of my favorite diversions, a little site called Texts From Superheroes?
Brian Kemp continues his voter-suppression crusade like it’s his goddamn job, which, regrettably, it sort of is, since he’s the Georgia Secretary of State. Jimmy Carter took a break from building homes for the less fortunate (unlike Drumpfy’s evangelical cultists, Jimmy is an actual Christian) to call on Kemp to resign and, y’know, actually let Democracy happen in the United States. If I were Kemp, I’d watch out. Jimmy Carter beat cancer, little man, he’ll toss a wannabe-authoritarian runt like you over his knee and give you a richly-deserved spanking.
Brazil became the latest nation to turn to a terrifying right-wing “populist” fuckhead for leadership. Reading about this creep sends an ice-cold shiver down my spine, so maybe we should all check out this merciless roast of everybody’s favorite Journalistic Standards-Lowerer, Chris Cillizza, at McSweeney’s.
I see the Uncredible Huck returned to briefing room podium after a month-long absence today, I guess cuz she missed lying and inciting hatred of the press. I get it. It’s hard to quit anything cold turkey.
Fat Q*Bert added another shiny new lawsuit to his ever-growing collection today. This one’s for fraud, and names some of his shitty kids, too. It’ll be fun, won’t it? Watching that ill-gotten fortune whittled down, lawsuit by lawsuit?
Saturday morning, headlines about attempted murder gave way to stories of mass-murder, as a rabid maniac, radicalized on the internet by the very same forces that animate much of Hairpiece Himmler’s hateful base, murdered 11 at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.
The terrorist cited the very same anti-Semitic conspiracy theories about “globalists” and “George Soros” that Trump tosses around in his hate rallies, but if you point that out, some desperately centrist pundit might just clutch their pearls ’till they’re crushed into a fine powder for your heresy against the Holy Gospel of Bothsidesism, and we wouldn’t want that.
But Lou Dobbs is still out there, standing on his tippy-toes, with a bullhorn, using the full force of his platform to spread this hateful filth, even though it’s earned him a (GASP) slap on the wrist over at Fux Nooz. Kevin McCarthy, who just might be the next Republican Speaker of the House, left his own Klan-worthy tweet up for a whole goddamn day before being shamed into taking it down.
And Steve King gets bolder every day. If he’s still in Congress come January, expect King to interrupt the traditional recitation of the Constitution to offer a little reading from Mein Kampf.
HAHAHAHAH CAP YOUR BLOG IS SO FUNNY. I told you it’d be rough going tonight. Here, let me pass you off to Bad Kids Jokes. They’re funny even when I’m not.
Oh, and how did Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops himself respond to the biggest mass-murder of Jews in American history? First, with the perfunctory, insincere, “Oh yes, this is very bad and don’t do it again wink wink” teleprompter statement, and then, because he’s a Walking Human Hemorrhoid, with open, gleeful, trolling.
He enjoyed a little chuckle about how answering reporters’ questions on a national tragedy ruined his good hair day. And he took special care Saturday night to tweet about a baseball game, just to really drive home that he desn’t give a fuck about the loss of life, he doesn’t give a fuck about our grief, and he doesn’t give a fuck about the dangerous hatred he’s unleashed and encouraged.
You’ve no doubt seen the headlines about Pittsburgh’s Jewish community telling the Velveeta Vulgarian to just stay the fuck away from their mourning communities, but I urge you dig a little deeper. The leaders of Bend the Arc said the President wasn’t welcome in Pittsburgh…until he abandoned his bigoted rhetoric and denounced white nationalism. That shouldn’t be hard, right? Like, if Ben & Jerry’s held a “Free Pint to Everyone who Just Denounces White Nationalism” Day, they’d wind up going bankrupt. It’s a low fuckin’ bar to clear, is all I’m sayin’, but still too high for President Skidmark.
And Kellyanne Conway emerged from her gingerbread house just long enough to blame the anti-Semitic massacre on…late night comedians? Seriously? Does that Shart House comms shop just have a carnival wheel depicting various Trump foes, and before any surrogate goes on TV, they have to spin it and demonize whoever the needle lands on? I guess Conway’s lucky she didn’t have to pin the whole thing on Rosie O’Donnell…
“Hold my beer, Kellyanne!!!” screamed Mike Pants, who couldn’t get any actual Rabbis to appear beside his hate-mongerin’ ass, and figured settling for the “Messianic Jews” (that’s a group that works to convert Jews to Christianity, for the record) alternative would be just as good. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.
Remember a few months back, when the entire GOP tried to make a single murder committed by an undocumented immigrant the most, no, the ONLY important story in America? When Erupting HateBoil Noot Gingrich belched, ““If (victim’s name redacted, because fuck their bullshit narrative) is a household name by October, Democrats will be in deep trouble?” You’ve never seen an American political party so delighted that an American was killed. Again, racist fear-mongering is the only arrow left in their quiver.
So yeah, Fux Nooz can’t seem to go more than a couple of hours without platforming some sinister taintfungus insisting the Dread Migrant Caravan is teeming with disease, and they just can’t wait to “infect” all the good clean (coughcough white) Americans, and yeah, that genuinely is dehumanizing rhetoric directly out of the Nazi playbook. It’s happening right here in the United States. In 2018. Broadcast coast-to-coast, right from the bile-spewing heart of the media bubble that’s brainwashed a terrifying number of our countrymen.
…you’re starting to see the wisdom in outsourcing the gags tonight, aren’t you? Anyway, here’s a link to The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. That’ll make you laugh, even if I can’t.
And now, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is dispatching 5,200 troops to the border, to combat the earth-shaking menace of the constantly-shrinking migrant caravan that remains hundreds of miles away. I imagine the Hatch Act doesn’t have provisions to prevent Presidents from wasting millions of taxpayer dollars deploying the military for cheap political stunts, just one more example of the outdated “Well, we never anticipated the government would be taken over by sociopathic morons” conventional wisdom of simpler times.
Yeah, that’s more troops than we have fighting ISIS in Syria. It’s more troops than there are human beings in the caravan, including children. If I was Justin Trudeau, I’d invade now while Sharty McFly is distracted.
I should leave y’all with something to smile about. How about a little video of the most powerful person on Earth, demonstrating his inability to operate a machine as complex as a goddamn umbrella. Senile old fucker’s like, “You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, fuck it.”
No, I can do better than that. How about the story of the Muslim community in America, coming together in solidarity with their Jewish brothers and sisters, raising tens of thousands of dollars to help the shooting victims’ families? That spirit of love is what Donald Trump is desperate to destroy in America, my friends…and as you can see, like so many of his endeavors, he is failing.
Trump and the GOP, after controlling the federal government for nearly two years, have no record to run on. All they can offer now is fear and hate. It didn’t work in Virginia last November. It won’t work now.