Golly gee, a lot’s happened since last we met! Yeah, we’re a monarchy now, but also somehow the vassal of a rapidly collapsing petrostate prosecuting an illegal, genocidal war of conquest against a longtime ally. Shit moves pretty quickly these days.

Do chainsaws not come with a Do Not Operate Under the Influence of Ketamine and/or Megalomania warning label? They should. So should the federal government, now that I’m thinking about it. Though of course Elon would’ve fired whoever was in charge of enforcing that rule by now.

In much the same way the Children of the Candy Corn picked the shittiest of all possible personalities to build their cult around, they’ve sold American democracy to the shabbiest oligarch who ever mistook an image from a Batman movie for real life.

Well, at least it wasn’t a panel from a Batman comic. And yes, that’s what passes for a bright side nowadays, as we explore the lowermost limits of the judgment of the maggot-brained dipshit who’s taken it upon himself to Make Plane Crashes a Damn Near Daily Occurrence Again, for the First Time Since the Fucking Wright Brothers.

On the other hand, perhaps Musk is right. Haven’t those filthy takers at the FAA suckled at the government teat long enough? Why should I have shell out hard-earned money, money I could be dumping into meme coins and NFTs, for frivolous extravagances like “air safety?”

Or Alzheimer’s research? Frankly, given the state of the average American brain, isn’t widespread cerebral deterioration in the national interest? And maybe the Republican legislators who fought so hard to enact these programs disagree with that sentiment, but since they’re all too gutless to speak up, does it matter?

Like, if the rule of law falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it but the Senate Republican Conference, does Susan Collins feel concern?

Weirdly enough, polling indicates the American public is none too fond of their (unelected) new landlord, despite traditionally successful outreach techniques like “closing libraries,” “mocking the blind,” and “fucking thousands upon thousands of military families over at the same time.”

Anyway, the reckless dolt who fired the technicians overseeing our nuclear arsenal and who, again, struggles to distinguish Batman from reality, now believes he has uncovered a gazillion dollars in Social Security fraud. He is, of course, entirely incorrect in his assessment, being a giant fucking idiot, so maybe don’t make plans for that $5,000 DOGE refund check just yet.

Perhaps the Social Security Administration’s newest hire, Marko “Normalize Indian Hate” Elez will set Elon straight. Or not. Yeah, hundreds of thousands of civil servants get unceremoniously shitcanned, many abandoned to fend for themselves in foreign lands, but there’s always room for one more pimply white nationalist, provided he’s willing to execute illegal orders.

See, what you libtards don’t understand is that all this chaos and suffering is totally worth it because of the massive savings Musk and his unaccountable incel brigade have achieved. Like, did you know they saved taxpayers EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS by cancelling a single contract? Not only that, but the contract was actually for only eight million dollars, they straight-up lied about that shit, but hopefully you stopped reading after the preceding sentence.

Anyway, with Kid Ketamine rampaging through our government, I confess I find Lil’ Donnie Dotard’s monarchical aspirations more laughable than anything else. Honestly, old man, you weren’t even king of your Hannity segment this week.

So when he posts shit like, “He who saves his Country does not violate any Law,” sure, it’s concerning, but what about He who fucks his Country up in a dozen different ways every single day, usually before noon? I wouldn’t worry about that third term, champ; couple more tariffs and you’re gonna see torches and pitchforks on the green down at Marm-a-Lago.

It’s one thing to dick around with expanding executive power while you’re hitching a nice, cushy ride on your predecessor’s boom economy; it’s quite another to attempt a full fascist takeover while you piss prosperity away on an idiotic, multi-front trade war. Look outside your window, you soft, sloppy fop. Stock market’s down. Consumer sentiment is plummeting. Larry Kudlow’s sweatin’.

All while you stick taxpayers with those old, familiar bills for your weekly golf vacations, to say nothing of your tacky little Daytona joyride. It’s not really fair of me to bring that one up, I suppose; they fired a couple extra disabled veterans on the way back, so it all balanced out.

No wonder the honeymoon’s already over. No wonder the approval ratings have crashed. Domestically, anyway. If you polled the Kremlin, you’d get totally different results. Assuming you could get anyone to stop cackling in delight at their good fortune long enough to answer your questions, that is.

For a guy who’s always struggled to comprehend the basics, on issues ranging from trade to epidemiology to pants, he parrots Putin’s talking points with remarkable clarity and efficiency, have you noticed that?

So the Offal in the Oval dispatched Little Marco to Saudi Arabia for a Molotov-Rippentrop LARP, happily conceding Ukrainian sovereignty to the Butcher of Mariupol after his repugnant attempt to extort the nation’s mineral wealth was rebuffed. On the way out, Rubio asked Lavrov if Pootkins might be interested in going halfsies on a potential occupation of the Gaza Strip, but Sergey was cackling too loud to hear.

ZELENSKY IS A DICTATOR, bleats the Dotard, but you can tell he doesn’t mean it, because there’s none of the telltale envy in his demeanor, the way you see when he admiringly talks about the way Xi Jinping rules China with an iron (and, most frustratingly, normal-sized) fist.

Border Tsar Tom Homan is under enough pressure to provide deportation porn content for the official Shart House social media feed without pesky Congresswomen reminding folks of their constitutional rights, so he wants DoJ to investigate AOC, according to CNN. IDK WTF is going on in the USA anymore, so I’m gonna make a BLT and watch UHF on VHS. Maybe that’s TMI.

There’s actually quite a bit of thirst these days to unleash the power of the state on political opponents. For example, I see Ed Martin, the Turd Reich’s acting U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia, is shooting his shot. At the First Amendment.

Martin, a pro-insurrection former Phyllis Schlafly stooge, who has already weaponized his office against the DoJ attorneys who put violent Capitol rioters (temporarily) behind bars, seems to think he can persecute federal legislators for calling Elon Musk a “dick.” Sorry Ed, Senator Chuck Schumer and Congressman Robert Garcia aren’t exactly shaking in their boots. They’re not Republicans, y’know.

(Nice t’see Enrique Tarrio arrested again so soon, incidentally.)

Florida Republican Congressthug Cory Mills is under investigation for assaulting his girlfriend, (don’t worry, not his wife, that’s an entirely different woman) and instructing her to lie to the police about the origin of her bruises. Looking forward to “devout Christian” Mike Johnson bending over backwards to keep Mills (and his crucial vote) around while this plays out.

Other stellar ambassadors of the Party o’ Family Values™️ this week include USAID dismantler/friend to Bosnian Christian nationalist extremists Peter Marocco, and ICE prosecutor James Joseph Rodden, who lives a secret double life as hellaciously racist Xwitter poster “GlomarResponder.”

“Gee whiz, Cap, you’re all negative n’ biased, focusing on the layoffs n’ plane crashes n’ white nationalists who’ve infiltrated our government and set us on the path to national decline! You never mention all the good stuff the Trump Administration does!”

Okay then. In the interest of fairness and balance, gather ye ‘round the campfire, and listen ye to the tale of the Tate brothers: two poor, downtrodden sex traffickers, persecuted by the Romanian state, simply for sex trafficking. Honestly, have you ever heard anything so unjust in your whole life?

Well I’ll have you know, your government took time out their super-busy schedule firing veterans to  pressure the Romanian government to lift travel restrictions on these dudes, presumably so Andrew can enjoy a wild weekend getaway with Alina Habba on some far-flung, windmillless beach somewhere.

Alabama Senator Thomas Tuberville is apparently unaware that the word for a three-sided figure is “triangle.” He’s not too high up in the line of succession, right?

CPAC featured JD Vance’s extented musings on the “essence of masculinity,” (lol, you and Hawley should compare notes) as well as the latest high-profile Hitler salute from a prominent Republican, this time Steve Bannon, who was probably just giddy that he got to announce the treasonous “J6 prison choir” would get to defile the Kennedy Center.

So anyway, it’s hardly surprising that America is sick of this shit already.

Don’t believe me? Ask Georgia Republican Rich McCormick how his town hall went. Ask Wisconsin’s Glenn Grothman & Scott Fitzgerald, Oklahoma’s Kevin Hern, or Oregon’s Cliff Bentz how their constituents feel about their party selling their country to power-mad billionaires.

And lord knows we won’t need to commission a new volume of Profiles in Courage any time soon, but we are beginning to hear a few faint yaps of pushback from elected Republicans, particularly on the Ukraine betrayal issue.

That said, I understand most GOP spines have long since atrophied, so if any of you twerps need an example to look to, may I humbly recommend Maine Governor Janet Mills, who reminded the nation that behind every bloviating bully, especially the one squatting in the White House, is a stammering weakling.

I dunno, folks. Feels like the worm is beginning to turn. Feels less like a wave of fascist inevitability washing the American experiment away than overconfident dipshits sowing the seeds of their own downfall. Lotta work ahead, God knows, but we’re gonna beat these dorks. Like a drum.

However, next week is MUH BIRFDAY, my 46th, I think, and as always, my present to myself is one blesséd, peaceful week away from this madness. Therefore, know that any donations deposited in my tip jar (which now accepts Venmo, Cash App and PayPal) will be spent on not just beer, but cake as well.

So as always, follow @john_luzar and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and above all else, stay safe out there! I’ll see ya in March, Resisters!