
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Orange Man Worse Than Ever
So, the Offal in the Oval wants to send troops to Greenland. I wonder if we shouldn’t let him. Given his recent success rate, we’d wind up a Danish protectorate inside a week. On the other hand, a war of aggression under our current commander in chief runs the risk of the “launching nukes without realizing Elon fired the guy in charge of opening the silo doors” scenario.
Safe to say, the honeymoon is over. Indeed, the honeymoon suite has burned down, and the ground beneath it has been salted, as the Dotard faces his worst-ever economic approval ratings.
Now, obviously, no President wants to see numbers like that, but when your whole dang cult of personality is held together with government cheese and your ever-dwindling residual reputation for business acumen from a stint hosting a game show, well, suddenly you’re pitching Bezos a buddy reality comedy where you and Bashar al-Assad split a duplex in exile on the outskirts of some ritzy Moscow suburb.
I think the big takeaway here is before you start a trade war, make sure you understand what tariffs are, and how they work. Cuz when you don’t, it’s sorta like entering WWI on the presumption that mustard gas is good for you. So now the stock market’s hacking and spasming, and sure, you could pass out gas masks at any time, but that would entail admitting you were wrong, so bring on the “correction,” I guess.
Meanwhile, our would-be oligarch overlords are furious, because none of their bullshit works without a booming, inherited economy to coast on and take credit for. Look at Sean Hannity, impotently chastising a disobedient stock market, while Laura Ingraham orders her audience to simply ignore their disappearing 401(k)s. Tom Petty-defiling Fox bleating head Lara Trump insists us plebs “ought to be kissing the feet of Elon Musk and Donald Trump,” which strikes me as a good way to get real, real sick.
Good luck with that, dorks. Karoline Leavitt can stamp her feet and scream TARIFFS DO WHAT DADDY SAYS THEY DO until she’s blue in the face…but they don’t. And they never will.
Incidentally, this self-inflicted economic debacle is brought to you by Crazy Donnie’s New & Used Rolling Deathtraps! And if you find the spectacle of the President of the United States shilling cars at the White House a trifle undignified, know that he was well compensated: Elon pledged to pour an additional $100 million into the MAGA grift trough, starting with more than $10 million to buy a Wisconsin Supreme Court seat for the pathologically unimpressive Brad Schimel.
(This seems like a good spot to mention that there’s no better way to say “fuck plutocracy” than by donating to Susan Crawford’s campaign. Losing a SCOTUS majority in a critical battleground state is probably not the best idea right now.)
Still, all the emerald money in the world can’t buy love, especially when you’re responsible for firing more veterans than anyone in American history. Musk is actually even less popular than his pet presidential puppet, though I must caution, current polling does not yet reflect his efforts to blame Hitler’s atrocities on “public sector employees.”
Poor Elon is having a hard time wrapping his Ketamine-addled mind around the fact that he didn’t purchase the entire United States government, just one particularly subservient political party. I mean, he called Mark Kelly a “traitor,” and not one single stormtrooper battered down the Senator’s door, what’s up with that?
Not only are pesky journalists constantly debunking the lies behind DOGE’s famous “wall of receipts,” but now the federal judiciary says his unaccountable incel brigade must comply with Freedom of Information Act requests. And now he has to un-fire all those workers? It’s South Africa all over again!
I wonder if it was “Big Balls,” or the “normalize Indian hate” kid who decided to stop feeding the TSA’s bomb-sniffing dogs? Are these kids the ones gutting the nation’s scientific research capacity, or have we eliminated the middleman, and allowed the CCP to make those calls directly? It’d certainly be…efficient.
A federal judge blocked Off-Brand Orbán’s blatantly unconstitutional attack on the law firm Perkins Coie, and so, seeking consolation, he took another feeble swipe at his least favorite amendment: the first one. At the very Department of Justice, he proclaimed CNN and “MSNDC” (HAW HAW HAW GET IT) illegal, for the high crime of Accurately Reporting How Tariffs Work, but hopefully Pam Bondi’s new duties as Tesla’s head of security will keep her too busy to pursue things any further.
Yes, even with a “free speech absolutist” pulling the strings, the First Amendment is under assault in America today. Why, it’s getting so’s a sex trafficker can’t even monetize a podcast about “pimping hoes” anymore.
Speaking of power grabs, first they came for the dipshit college kid who praised the abominable crimes of October 7th, and even though I think said kid is an absolute dirtbag, I yelled my damn head off, because I for one am willing to learn lessons from poems. (If you happen to run into that fellow from Nantucket, tell him I’m looking for him.)
Seems like just last week when our treacherous administration disabled a loyal ally’s American-made weapons right smack dab in the middle of a shooting war…probably because it was. Anyhoo, now NATO ally Portugal is reconsidering a large purchase of F-35s, just in case you thought the tariffs were the only way Donnie Dumbfuck was screwing American companies over.
So, turns out one of President Rapist’s “spiritual advisers” is a child molester. Dude named Robert Morris. Remember when that would’ve been headline news? For a week, at least? Once upon a time, reporters would’ve dogged a politicians’ steps for the rest of his fucking days, demanding he denounce and re-denounce and re-re-denounce his PEDOPHILE SPIRITUAL ADVISER; nowadays we get Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend (incidentally…ew) cracking Rosie O’Donnell jokes while the world burns.
At the United Nations, Donald Trump’s Amerikkka was the lone dissenting vote against a resolution proclaiming an International Day of Hope, on the grounds that it “contains references to diversity, equity and inclusion,” because hope is just for white people now, silly rabbit.
I see Linda McMahon lacks a rudimentary understanding of the Department of Education’s most basic functions, (they must not cover the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act in wrestling promoter school) though I suppose you don’t strictly need to know how to read to burn down a library. I imagine it helps not to.
The lying lamestream media wanted you to think Kash Patel would weaponize the FBI against Republicans’ political enemies, but just days into his tenure, he’s already broken up the notorious “Habitat for Humanity” cartel, as part of a wider crackdown on EPA grant recipients.
Health and Human Services Secretary/Steak ‘n Shake spokesdolt RFK Jr. says sure, the measles outbreak that’s already killed an unvaccinated child is still spreading, but don’t worry, it’s nothing a little a rotting whale head juice from the family vineyard can’t fix.
Proposed CDC Director David Weldon and DNI Deputy Director Daniel Davis joined the impossibly ignominious Too Shitty to Serve in the Trump Administration Club. They have been exiled to Matt Gaetz’s beachfront trailer in the Florida panhandle, where they will be made to knife-fight to the death over a single post in his burgeoning methamphetamine distribution empire.
You might chuckle at headlines declaring, “Steve Bannon won’t rule out a Presidential bid,” but if the current administration’s plan to repeal and replace birthright citizenship with Paul Gosar’s bill enfranchising a variety of indigenous slime molds goes through, the Electoral College math shifts in a hurry.
Putin, in contrast, appears to be in no hurry to accept a proffered ceasefire, saying he needs a little time to come up with some new demands, since the Shart of the Deal gave him everything he asked for before even sitting down at the table.
Ok, that’s all I’ve got this week. If I missed anything, it’s because I was busy consoling Doug the Backyard Chicken, who is under no obligation to conform to your outdated gender norms. Buy Doug’s forgiveness by contributing to our beer fund, (now accepting Cash App, PayPal and Venmo) or by following @john_luzar, or signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com. And for heaven’s sake, stay safe out there…
Thanks Cap. Must note I find fElon’s repulsive looking booger picker child, Shield, another disgusting spectacle…but hey…so much to deal with!
“American Madness Journal.”
The strapline fits better every damn week.
Keep up the good work ‘Cap. Future historians are gonna keep you collected works on the bookshelf and introduce them to successive generations with terms like “one of the more perceptive chroniclers was…”
At least Elon’s trans daughter properly hates him and revealed that he attempted to buy her gender using IFV technology which backfired anyway, because she is who she is and not who he wants her to be.
I’ll say it again…nothing is funny anymore (not even you, my dearly beloved Cap), because shit’s too real for humor. Let’s all do something much more important, like helping to overthrow the despotic, tyrannical fools who are overthrowing our precious, fragile constitutional republic. Do whatever you can, whenever you can. No action is too small. Anyone can contribute in some way — join a group, talk to people about it, write postcards/letters to voters, become a Volunteer Deputy Registrar registering voters, attend a protest, call/write your members of Congress (both D and R) to praise/encourage or confront/scream. APRIL 5th DAY OF MASS ACTION in all 50 states and DC! Be there or keep enjoying the boot on your neck!! (Google HandsOff for deets, sign-ups, etc.)
Your venting with humor is still much appreciated, even though it’s harder to laugh watching the worst and stupidest among us take a chainsaw to our institutions, especially when two of them top the list as Musk and Trump, aka: Mump. But l am glad to hear you still have Doug.
I can always find a way to chuckle at your humor even when things are going extraordinarily off the rails, but l imagine it can’t be easy for you to not only follow but sum up what is the daily firehose of offal from the Oval. But l am glad to hear you still have Doug. And beer always helps.
If you need to get away Cap, come up to Canada, we have some of the best beer, thanks for making it worthwhile to get to Friday.
“Elon fired the guy in charge of opening the silo doors”…priceless! Too bad it’s really not a joke. That fucking slimeball and his posse of incels are taking a wrecking ball to our democracy, yet nary of peep out of the feckless Dems.
I generally like your Friday night missives but don’t care for your description of Mahmoud Khalil as a “dirtbag.” Only the WH fascists are claiming Khalil supports Hamas and there is no evidence that he does, including the fact that he has stated as much. He’s also not the only protester being targeted by the trump regime. They are not done yet.
“His one and only goal was to get Columbia University to divest from its complicity with Israeli government crimes in Gaza and the West Bank,” said Ramzi Kassem, the director of CLEAR, a group representing Khalil.”
I think it’s clear who the actual dirt bags are.
https://abcnews.go.com/US/white-house-allegedly-asked-updates-arrest-activist-mahmoud/story?id=119811712
Kinda like the buddy show with Frump and Assad in Moscow. Let’s hear it for winter as Best Supporting Character.
Thank you for the shout-out for Wisconsin’s April first election and Judge Crawford; was out canvassing for her today and my anecdotal evidence is Burning Rage against the unelected South African oligarch.
Cap, you are one of the very best chroniclers of this dreadful time. I still chuckle thinking of future high-schoolers assigned your history, and then being delighted at how wonderful your writing is. Give my regards to Doug.
Thanks, Cap. You know, some have suggested that T**** is the Antichrist. However now that Musk has appeared, I have to say that I don’t remember anything about the Antichrist having a goofy sidekick.
Also, I’ve had a couple of roosters as pets over the years, and I liked them so much, I didn’t even mind that they didn’t lay eggs.
Anyway, thanks for the laughs, and for clarifying some of the week’s news that I managed to miss.
Sex trafficker and whale head jokes made me laugh: laugh, in this day and age? How is that possible? Only Cap can achieve that in this monstrous time…